Broken Wing

Sausage Fest Friday

So we awoke bright and early on Friday morning with the goal of going to the beach to get some sun, play some beach volleyball, and blast such manly songs as "Girls Just Wanna' Have Fun" and "Its Raining Men." As Linz and I were sitting around the campsite, the ranger came around in his truck and stopped. He started asking us if we had been swearing a lot the previous night. Linz and I started thinking, like we're supposed to remember how many times we said swear words and at what times. Apparently Linzes face was saying this too, and the park ranger said, "Don't look at me like that. You guys know what you did." He told us that he would evict us, but he already knew that we were leaving that day, so it was a pretty easy threat for him to make. Then, as he turned around to get back in his truck, we started pelting him with oysters.

Random
So, here is some stuff that doesn't fit into any particular day, or that I have forgotten which day it occurred. Someone said (feel free to credit this in the comments) that there is a three-way race for cancer in Critser's body between skin, lung, and liver. Once again, Critser sat outside all day on Friday with no sunscreen, and once again he turned red as shit. It looked awesome though on Saturday. Oh wait, no, he still looked red as shit. I broke the hell out of two separate lawn chairs. The first time, I made fun of Joynts name, so he poured some beer on me, so I tackled him while he was seated in the rainbow warrior. Surprisingly, the "aluminum" frame (I'm pretty sure it was actually salt-water taffy painted silver) collapsed under our 200 pound combined weight. The second time, I was getting up to console Tony after zinging him (see below), and someone (I will save him the embarrassment of mentioning his name), stuck his finger so far up my asshole he was touching prostate. Only somewhat surprised, I spun around 900 degrees and landed in Tony's lap, thus destroying lawn chair number two.

Samp is fricken huge. Like cover of Men's Fitness huge. Since the rest of us tip the scales at about 50 kilos, this is a big deal to us. As Samp first took off his shirt at the beach, Joynt commented, "Samp, you have more muscle in your shoulder than I have in my entire body." I followed with, "Samp, you have more testosterone in your right nipple than I have in my entire body." In a similar vein, someone later said, "I have more hair on my big toe than Jared has on his entire body."

My ass-kicking zinger
The first night, Tony was laying down some law on us laymen, after finishing his first year at law school, and he took a little bit of crap for being so academic. The next night, he said he wasn't going to talk anymore about it because of the shit he took for it. I told him no, he should do it, because we all like making fun of people. So, literally like 5 minutes later, we were talking about statutory rape and consent laws (for extremely creepy reasons, I'm sure), and Tony started talking his lawyerin' mumbo jumbo. My ears perked up, and I turned and leaned into the pitch (literally, as Linz can attest to), and said, "Hey, Judge Wapner, nobody gives a shit." After that home run of a rip, I was ready for bed. Posted by mill1991 at August 3, 2004 10:06 AM