The first interesting sign says: "Been taken for granted? Imagine how God feels!" The point of this sign is apparently to make me feel sorry for God. Wow, yeah, he certainly does have it pretty rough. Oh, wait, he's God. But, I can't just jump to conclusions here. I have to really consider what its like to be god. ...(Cue dream sequence)... Wow, I'm omnipotent! I can do whatever I want! For instance, I could get a woman pregnant without her knowing, then just tell her later in a dream. Topping that, she will happily raise the child without my help or financial support. Wow, I'm even more powerful than... Shawn Kemp. Also, in the New Testament, Jesus creates wine from water. With such a huge supply of water, I could make tons of wine! Well, I don't really like wine that much, but I suppose as god I could do the same thing with Brandy Old-Fashioned's (or Space Ages, in modern terminology).
Ooh, I'm also omniscient. I can see and know everything! Finally, I can find out what Katie Couric looks like naked without being arrested. Also, if I am omniscient, I also have an understanding of everything that will happen in the future. Hate to waste your empathy, loyal subjects, but this means that you're taking me for granted is neither surprising (I saw it coming) nor disappointing (I created you knowing it would happen). Wait a second, I'm omnipotent and omniscient, and you're trying to assign me credit for creating humans? That's the craziest theory I've ever heard. As your god, its my duty to tell you that its more likely that you developed due to "the non-random selection of randomly varying replicators," (Richard Dawkins) as did the rest of life.
The second sign that caught my eye read: "You're Speeding! No wonder, Door County Candle Company is ahead!" (Sorry, this isn't an exact quote, but the closest I could remember). Yeah, this makes sense. Because candle aficionados are the fastest driving people I can think of. Finally, I have an explanation for why my grandmother and mother drive so freakin fast. But, seriously, I think the sign may be mistaken; at the least, it could be made more accurate. Follow me here: most candle crazies are women, right? So, most people going up to DCCC are women, right? So, the sign should read "You're driving over-cautiously while straddling two lanes! Also, you assume that hitting the brake pedal is the best solution to any driving difficulty! No wonder, you're probably a woman going to Door County Candle Company." I guess I can understand why they wouldn't put this on a sign - if charged by the word, overall costs would be absolutely horrific.
Posted by mill1991 at August 9, 2004 08:36 AM