Broken Wing

Shopping Extravaganza

Saturday was a mean shopping day. The first stop was the new Ikea in Minneapolis. Ikea is a Swedish word which roughly translates to "Magnet for slack-jawed loiterers." The size of the crowd gathered could mean only one thing: Jesus had returned to earth and was looking for the most righteous furniture in the world, which He apparently thought was in a trendy Swedish furniture store in the Twin Cities.

I had decided to go shopping alone, because other people tend to slow me down and frustrate me. "Tim doesn't shop well with others," my elementary school teachers warned my parents. Going to Ikea alone turned out to be a mistake. In the throngs of yokels, there is a sort of current which can easily sweep up people who came to shop in insufficient numbers.

The layout of the store has showrooms along the outer wall of the whole top floor. Most people walk around the outer edge, going into every room, walking around it, and moving on to the next room. While this is efficient, it is not advised. Halfway through the showroom, and I am not making this up or exaggerating, I was dizzy and nauseated after going in circles around all these sample rooms. Granted, I had just given blood and sniffed glue that morning, but nonetheless, I recommend eating a large meal and drinking plenty of water before attempting to traverse the showroom floor at Ikea.

Since Ikea is right across the street from the Mall of America (or MOA for my buddies in the acronym club), I went there. I realize that since this is the largest mall in the U.S., many stores exist there that would not necessarily make it in the East Town Mall in Green Bay. But come on, Magnet Max? Are there really people thinking, "I wish I didn't have to run from store to store to fill all my magnet and magnet related supply needs."? Is this kind of consolidation really necessary?

Also, there are two(!) American Eagles, which doubles my chances of accidentally wandering into the women's section of the store and trying to squeeze into women's jeans. I swear, the line between men's and women's apparel could not be more ambiguous, especially with pink becoming a hot color for men this year (I swear, Fat Joe is the only reason I know this). My idea is to make it blatantly obvious which side is men and which is women. The men's side should be painted blue on the floors, wall and ceilings, and the women's should be pink all over. You might be wondering how pink would represent women if its trendy for men now. I've already thought of that. The walls on the men's side would be stenciled with giant penii. Problem solved. Posted by mill1991 at August 23, 2004 11:44 AM