Broken Wing

Ask Tim: Dating Advice

A reader writes:

Why are guys afraid to talk to girls they're attracted to? Do these women have some type of secret "dominance ray" that they use preemptively on potential mates? Is this an evolutionary adaptation designed to control population size? Or perhaps God is really a woman and this is some cruel feminist joke?

I think your ideas are all very sound, and scientific research will most likely prove all of them to be true eventually. In the meantime, however, I think I can provide some insight into how better to talk to females in order to get them to find you attractive. Keep in mind, however, that I am about as qualified to provide dating advice as Michael Jackson is to provide "not getting charged with molesting little boys" advice.

There are two simple cogs in any successful dating machine:

1. Confidence - Having confidence can make you appear attractive, even if you have a face that causes seizures.
2. Attractiveness - Actually being attractive can do wonders for your confidence.

There you have it, two basic rules. The sharp-eyed reader may have noticed that there seems to be no way to have either confidence or attractiveness without the other. You think you're so sharp-eyed. Get off your damn pedestal. Anyways, there is a way out of this vicious cycle. It's called faking.

Faking confidence is key to any successful endeavor, be it dating, fishing, or trying to become the first person to walk across Newfoundland on stilts. Most people are unable to tell the difference between fake confidence and the real deal. Then again, most people believe in ghosts and a Biblical creation. The lesson? Most people are morons. This should give you some actual confidence to work with.

Here comes the difficult part: women know about faking confidence and they have several tests they use to discern fakers from authentically confident men. One is "ignoring you" for what seems like the entire amount of time that you have known them. This is a classic confidence test, easily overcome by constant attention and talking to them, even if they appear disinterested or annoyed. Another test is known as the "telling you to 'piss off' and walking to the other side of the bar" test. This one is almost so well known that I would expect them to stop using it soon. Sometimes it is used in tandem with the "get my ex-boyfriend to kick your ass" test. The final test is the "file a restraining order" confidence test. This has been known to break down even the most resolute fakers, but it is important to remember that this is just a fancy government-sanctioned confidence test.

Through all these tests, you must continue to be strong in your fake confidence. Does this advice always work? Of course not. There are always going to be times when you "get arrested" or "get beaten to within inches of your life" by ex-boyfriends. No method is foolproof. This is simply the best known method. Posted by mill1991 at October 25, 2004 9:51 AM | TrackBack