Broken Wing

How am I not the biggest pimp in the world?

If you are like me, you probably have trouble coming up with solid answers to difficult questions from females. Come to think of it, I'm not even that good at answering simple questions, since I sometimes answer "What's up?" with "Good," and sometimes I reply to "How are you doing" with "Aaahhhh!" and wetting my pants. Women have a lot of magazines purporting to tell them how to satisfy their man. Men do not have this kind of resource. Sure, there may be some advice in the printed section of "adult" magazines for men, but those sections get touched about as much as the "Hers" towel in my bathroom. In the remainder of this entry, I will be examining some of the more difficult questions that women may ask. It is best to memorize these question-answer pairs and just recite the answer if the question ever comes up - trying to come up with spontaneous answers to these questions is only slightly less dangerous than attempting to disarm a nuclear weapon or reading in dim lighting. Though me giving advice for dealing with women may seem a bit like John Kerry giving advice on brevity, bear with me.

Questions:

Should I eat this ice cream?
Desired: You could eat whatever you wanted and never gain any weight. Whatever shape your body is in automatically becomes our culture's standard for beauty.
Try not to say: Sure. At this point, what's a few more pounds going to do?
Try this: I'm a cancer researcher and I just discovered that ice cream causes cancer in you and all of your family members. Maybe you should have carrots instead.

If you could change something about my face what would it be?
Desired: The perfection of your face is an airtight proof that god exists, and that you are her.
Try not to say: It would be in my crotch more.
Try this: The only thing I would change is that I would get to see it more.

Doesn't that girl look like a slut?
Desired: Oh my god, yes. I can't believe people still think you have to dress like that to be attractive. You'd be more attractive than her even if you were wearing a mumu and orthotic shoes.
Try not to say: Yes, but you say that like it's a bad thing.
Try this: What? Oh, I didn't see her. I was just thinking about something intellectually stimulating you said before.

Do you think I'm smart?
Desired: I'm sorry, could you use smaller words please? Your super intelligent vocabulary confuses me.
Try not to say: Let's just say if beauty was a section on the SATs, you might have cracked 1000. But no, you're not smart.
Try this: You're as smart as you are beautiful. (Caution! Do not try this if your significant other knows that she is extremely ugly.)

Posted by mill1991 at November 19, 2004 03:20 PM | TrackBack