November 23, 2004

Cell phone craziness

One of my many lovable quirks is that I am somewhat flaky when it comes to the location of my cell phone. I lose cellphones like Heisman Trophy candidate Chris Samp loses defensive backs. About two months ago I lost a Motorola that was especially dear to me. While it's battery only lasts about 42 seconds on a single charge, I liked it because it had a color screen and a datebook. It was like a combination cell phone/PDA. Compare this to the Nokia which replaced it, which had a black and white screen, and instead of a datebook it just came with a pad of post-it notes. It could best be described as a combination cell phone/paperweight.

So, imagine my delight when I got a call from the AT&T store at MOA saying someone had turned in my phone. Questions ran through my head: Why hadn't someone e-mailed me saying they had found it (I had my e-mail address written on the back in anticipation of losing it)? What had taken so long for it to be turned in? Would it have stickers on it from it's world travels, like a battered suitcase? When did I get all that hair on my feet?

I picked it up and had it activated immediately, starting the charging process as soon as I reached my car. It was touch and go for a few hours - I wasn't sure if the battery would even be able to charge, but it eventually made a full recovery. Now, I'm no longer embarrassed to use my cell phone in public and the soreness in my arm from lifting that old brick of a phone to my ear has subsided.

I'm already thinking of ways to expedite the process of getting my phone back for the next time I lose it. Maybe I could put my phone number on it, but that would confuse people when they called the number and the phone they found started to ring. My next option is to put a more enticing label on it, like "Reward if returned to owner." I don't want to pay anybody money, though, so I'd have to trick them. If they gave it back, I'd just say thanks and walk away. Then, if they ask for their reward, I'll act disgusted and say, "I was going to give you your reward if you hadn't said anything. But since you have shown yourself to be greedy, I'm going to donate your reward to charity." Except then I'd spend the money on crack.

The final option is to play the god card. I don't like to have to do this, but I needs my cellphone. This entails putting an entirely different label on the back. This label would read "This phone is owned by God. Please return it to Him or He will damn you to hell. And hell is not very nice." This would definitely result in me getting my phone back quickly. Most likely, the person will ask how God could lose a cellphone. I'll just say "I'm not one of those omnipotent gods. I'm more like the wacky, anthropomorphic greek gods who are always meddling in human affairs and fucking them up. But I could still damn you to hell. Especially if you ask me any more difficult questions." Posted by mill1991 at November 23, 2004 5:15 PM | TrackBack

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