February 06, 2005

On the value of AP English classes

Yesterday I got a package in the mail from my parents with my tax forms that had been sent to their house. For some reason, along with these documents, they included some of the essays I wrote for my college applications (I think the reason is a combination of nostalgia and a desire to get my shit out of their house). These writings of mine make the script of "Angels in the Endzone" look like The Iliad. Actually, come to think of it, Angels in the Endzone is kind of like the Iliad, with angels instead of greek gods, and Peewee football in place of war, and a guy who looks like a strung out pedophile (Christopher Lloyd) playing the role of Achilles.

Mercifully, no one will ever have to read my college application essays ever again. I cannot imagine anything more embarrassing than having someone I know read these, besides maybe a naked photo of myself circulating on the internets holding a sign reading "I Love W". The admissions people must have been so confused: "The GPA and ACT score say 'accept', but the essay says 'Someone wipe this drool off of my chin.'"

The source of my ineptness? While most of my high school friends were toiling for the ruthless master known as AP English, I was in lower level senior English classes, such as Public Speaking for Retards and Expository Writing for People Who Will Probably Never Write Anything More Important than a Complaint Letter to the Makers of Milwaukee's Best. In AP English, my friends were mastering the art of rhetoric in speeches exploring the subtleties of Joyce's prose. In my speech class, my final exam speech involved me taking off my shirt to reveal a taped-on wig, simulating back hair, which I proceeded to shave off with a Bic razor tied onto a back scratcher, for which I received an A+. In AP English, students produced intricate essays on the trade-offs of government intervention in free markets. In my writing class, we made a mock newscast with an anchor named "Stoned Phillips" and got an A. Posted by mill1991 at February 6, 2005 12:27 PM | TrackBack

Comments

I think you right good. But I didn't have AP English either.

Posted by: Jim at February 6, 2005 12:51 PM

Oh, sweet Jesus, my admissions essay was so bad that I have to soak my eyes in bleach every time I read it....you might think it strange that I read my college admissions essay a lot considering I am 26, but I do. My mother found it so beautiful and touching (it was a brilliant treatise on racial equality...and I'm a white girl from a farm town who'd never even met a black person until I was 18-years-old) that she keeps a copy in her purse and shows it to strangers. Just last month she said, "And I showed this lady at the dentist your essay..."

The only thing that makes me feel better about my admissions essay is that one of my roommates wrote a paper senior year where the last sentence was, "In conclusion, the Vietnam war was a very bad thing that I hope never happens again."

Posted by: Sarah at February 6, 2005 03:17 PM
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