April 07, 2005

Ask Tim: Selecting a Bowling Ball

Recently I purchased my own bowling ball, for $5 at a local Salvation Army. It also came with a bag, and it is engraved with the extremely creative name "Striker." I bet the guy who donated that ball also owns a dart case with "Bullseye" engraved on it. Anyways, with ownership of a bowling ball I am now only a pair of shiny white Etonics and a wrist brace away from contending with #1 Dad for "Lamest Guy" at next year's Turkey Bowl. Since this purchase, people have been bombarding me with questions about how to select a ball of their own, especially when they are just using the ones at the alley. Here is my take on the situation.

There are two schools of thought on the subject. The first perspective comes from the "You suck at bowling" angle. You could spend an hour canvassing the bowling alley hefting every ball, sticking your fingers into every set of holes you run across, ignoring screams of terror in search of the perfect bowling ball. But the end result is that you will end up with a slightly less shitty ball than if you had just picked one at random. Thus, the best idea is to just scan the racks, looking for the coolest looking ball at the alley. Pick this ball, and no matter how many 13-year-old girls laugh at your score, stick with it, because you suck at bowling anyways.

The counter-argument comes from the "It's impossible to look cool while bowling" school of thought. This theory says that, no matter how "cool" any ball might be, you are still bowling, an activity which scientists have proved is not done by anyone cool. Therefore, you might as well go through a little bit of trouble and select a ball which works for you, and pick up a couple extra pins. Posted by mill1991 at April 7, 2005 10:59 PM | TrackBack

Comments

You forgot that a bowling ball can also be a status symbol, an indication of social class among bowlers. I remember Bill Murray's character ("Big Ern") in Kingpin, with his clear bowling ball, which encased a fresh rose. Now THAT was a touch of class. And some characters, "The Jesus" from The Big Lebowski comes to mind, experience a level of intimacy with their balls that the rest of us might not fully comprehend, even going so far as to lick the ball seductively before hurling it down the lane.

Posted by: Jim at April 8, 2005 01:51 PM

So am I right in my assumption that Mello Yello is available in Minnesota??

I live in Los Angeles and about to relocate!

Excellent.

Posted by: erik at June 22, 2005 04:34 PM

okay?!

Posted by: Me at November 13, 2005 08:49 AM
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