April 10, 2005

But who will review the reviewers? I will.

Lately I have been seeing a lot of movie reviews from an organization known as Wireless Magazine. I've never seen the print version of this "magazine," or the online version for that matter. What Wireless Magazine is doing reviewing movies is also unknown to me. Well, I guess movies are wireless in the sense that light isn't transmitted to your retina with wires, but I doubt that's the reason for the name. In any case, these reviews generally show up in previews for movies that look really shitty. The kinds of movies that look so shitty that you think, "Maybe I'll wait till it comes out on video. And I'm completely paralyzed. And I'm masochistic."

Here are some examples of the reviews, apparently all by one guy, which I found from an article talking about this same subject.

  • Undisputed "Electrifying! Jaw-Dropping! Wesley Snipes is incredible! It will knock you out of your seat! Its unforgettable!"
  • Apparently it's not unforgettable, since I cannot remember this movie even existing, let alone dropping my jaw or knocking me out of my seat.
  • Friday After Next "The funniest Friday ever!"
  • I don't know about that; I really enjoyed Three Fridays From Now, and I'm really anticipating the science fiction version, Friday, March 27, 2150

I don't mind the fact that this magazine clearly only gives positive reviews. I don't even mind the fact that, since there is no good reason I can think of to do this for free, the magazine probably gets some benefits from movie companies for being so generous. In fact, it's kind of nice. If I see a movie showing a review from Wireless Magazine, I can be pretty sure that no actual reviewers had anything good to say about the movie, and safely ignore it.

I can't help but wonder, though, what does this guy at Wireless Magazine do when he comes across an actual good movie? If Wireless magazine had to review a classic like Citizen Kane, it would say "Holy sweet fucking Christ! THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING AWESOME! This movie will punch you in your face, rape your wife, and kill your babies! You will have no choice but to commit suicide after seeing this movie! Because nothing else that could happen in the rest of your life will measure up! You will be sexually attracted to any medium (video tape, reel of film, DVD) which contains this movie! This movie is so awesome the exclamation point on this keyboard has broken and I'll be forced to use the vertical line key located above the return key|||" Posted by mill1991 at April 10, 2005 4:53 PM