June 07, 2005

Fake names we used on Saturday Night

Lately, my friends started informally awarding a King Tipsy honor to the person least able to handle his alcohol when we go out. Before going out last Saturday, there was a flurry of activity on our e-mail list. It started when Jared declared that he was going for the double award of both King Tipsy and the award of King of Assholes, which he had just made up, and after that the floodgates opened as everyone gave themselves feudal nicknames, which we referred to each other by all Saturday night in Madison. I will record them here for posterity, with brief explanations where appropriate. I know I didn't get them all down, and I am going to kick myself when I hear the ones I forgot, because they are hilarious, but nobody e-mailed them to me, so here they are.

  • King Asshole - This one is for Jared, who was already one-half of the revered Euchre team "Team Asshole" with a legendary Green Bay Packer's Wide Receiver.
  • Viscount of Scrots - This was awarded to Tone Loc. Mind you, "Scrots" is pronounced with a long 'o'. It is in honor of a certain part of his body which is large enough to be its own fiefdom.
  • Peasant of Pap Smear - This was for the Wizard. It is completely nonsensical.
  • Duke of Awesome - This is me. One time when filling out a magazine subscription card, in the spot that said "Title," I put "Duke of Awesome," because I thought it would be cool to get magazines addressed to that name.
  • Prince of Sweetness - This is $, who once claimed to have been kicked out of a Green Bay bar because he was "too fuckin' sweet."
  • Count of Crunk - This name was given to TZ.
  • Earl of Inebriation - I think this was #1 Dad
  • Vassal of Asshole - This one went to T Joynt, not because he's anymore of an asshole than the rest of us, but because we were so proud of our cleverness in coming up with it, and he was the last person to get a nickname

Posted by mill1991 at June 7, 2005 11:19 AM | TrackBack

Comments

Probably the finest name of the night went to little Timmy J.--the Vassal of Asshole--this name was for no reason other than the rhyme was priceless.

Other stories included:
The Prince of Sweetness's role in fooling #1 Dad as he entered the Terrace was to goad him into a fight. Therefore, as Al shouted a good-natured greeting to everyone from afar, the Prince of Sweetness retorted, "Nice T-shirt, shithead."

During the bowling fiasco, the Viscount of Scrots once again displayed his ineptness at conversing with anyone of the another ethnicity by mistakingly assuming an African-American boy with cornrows was a girl. When he picked up a spare, the Viscount yelled, "Nice pick up, Girlfriend!" (I may have exagerrated this story a bit, but he DID call one of the boys a girl).

In front of the capitol building, we asked a man to take a picture of all of us in front of a statue that was pointing towards the north. He politely asked if any of us knew what it meant, so we replied that it was pointing towards Iron Mountain, MI. He asked what we were all doing together, and the King of Asshole aptly said, "We're a bunch of cocky assholes." As he asked us if we wanted a countdown to the picture, someone said, "Just take the fucking picture."

At one of the establishments, a bachelorette party, unaware of Tim's prowess, entered with a Suck for a Buck game. After $$$ purchased one of the suckers, we started to chant "Throw it back...Throw it back" at which point the Prince of Sweetness winged it off the back of the bachelorette's head. She immediately went to get a bouncer, who came over and before he could say anything, $$$ said, "I admit I threw it, and I'm going to leave right after I finish this drink." The bouncer said, "Okay, so you're going to leave RIGHT after this drink?" "Yes" $$$ left two hours later.

I heard that at the after bar party, $$$ and T Mills cleared out the dance floor by going wild, including a pass the robot dance.

At one point in the night, a friend of a girl we knew asked who Al was, to which our she-friend replied, "Oh, don't worry about him, he's REALLY old." Al is one year older than all of us.

King Tipsy came home early, and he and his scrot passed out on the bed. When the Duke of Awesome and King Asshole returned to see their royal bed taken, the King of Asshole proclaimed, "There is no way Tony is sleeping on a bed." He promptly shoved Tony off the bed, and on the way down, his head struck the nightstand solidly. Tony did not wake up; rather, he proceeded to use the nightstand as a pillow.

Posted by: Joynt at June 8, 2005 08:18 PM

Yes, Joynt, we did indeed clear out the dance floor. It was as if $$$ and I had some sort of anti-mojo, because it surely had nothing to do with our dancing prowess. The most likely scenario, however, is that as soon as people saw us dancing, they backed away because they wanted to just sit back and enjoy watching in amazement, without risking getting in our way.

Posted by: Tim at June 9, 2005 10:18 AM
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