Broken Wing

Election 2008

Our current cognitively disabled commander-in-chief was just inaugurated a few months ago, and already there is plenty of talk about the next presidential election. In fact, it is possible to already forecast the most likely contenders from both Republican and Democratic primary fields. Some pundits say it is too early to even consider the next presidential election, since it is too far away. What these well-intentioned people are forgetting is that in the last election, a large chunk of people were undecided up until the day of the election. Clearly these retards need as much time as possible, so I'm going to start analyzing the field right now. And fucking-ay, how about you morons make up your minds a little earlier this time. I mean, Christ, you're 18, pick a fucking ideology already.

Democrats

• Hillary Clinton - If elected, it would be the first U.S. election of a woman president, the first president to be the spouse of a former president, and a fucking miracle. While most Democrats like her, for some reason she seems to piss off Republicans more than a monster truck rally without an eight story tall fire-breathing robot. In order for the Democrats to win, they'll need someone who can appeal to leftists and undecideds (Ooh, those undecideds, they're so thoughtful, they're considering the issues so thoroughly they can't even make up their minds until they step in the booth. Shit, we might as well just give them coins to flip when they walk into the polls, but that would probably hurt the incumbent.)
• John Kerry - After having been narrowly defeated by a drooling imbecile, Kerry hopes to make a run against someone who can really kick his ass - say, someone with charisma and the ability to string together a coherent sentence. While Kerry may have high hopes, I don't think the Democrats are likely to nominate a loser. And by loser, I don't mean the literal, "Kerry was the loser of the 2004 election" sense, but instead the "Kerry, get away from our lunch table, loser" sense.

And now, some dark horsies:

• Russ Feingold - Before I make any sarcastic comments, just let me say that Feingold is currently my political hero, and I would love for it to be possible for him to be president. But lets look at the strikes against him: He is virtually unknown to the average American, he was the only Senator to vote against the Patriot Act (part of the reason he's my hero, but I can already see the attack ads - Russ Feingold voted against your security just so his library records could stay private!), and finally, he is Jewish, or at least his name sounds Jewish. Unfortunately, this probably hurts him in red states. While I am not a fan of any organized religion, I do enjoy Jewish culture, by which I mean Woody Allen movies. Finally, Feingold gives straight talk - he would actually defend his votes on a rational basis. That sounds like a positive, but Americanidiots don't have the attention span or the ability to listen to reasoned arguments.
• John Edwards - No, not the psychic medium guy who talks to the dead, although that guy probably has as good a chance of being elected President as the substanceless ex-senator from North Carolina. He's been essentially unemployed since losing the 2004 election. Things could've been so much different, if only Cheney would have agreed to make the Vice Presidential debate a dance off, as Edwards wanted. I was getting tired of Edwards "all stories no ideas" platform halfway through the Democratic primaries last time, and I can't imagine people will put up with it again, although maybe I am naive to underestimate the average American's thirst for stories.
• Barack Obama - Hold on, there, let's get him out of diapers first.

Tomorrow: Republicans!

Posted by mill1991 at June 13, 2005 11:45 AM | TrackBack