Election 2008: Republican Candidates
In
yesterday's post I highlighted some of the contenders of the Democratic field, and listed each of their strengths and weaknesses (well, mainly weaknesses). Today, I'm going to take a slightly different tack with the Republicans, just to mix things up a little bit. I will be ranking each of them on physical attractiveness, with categories for face, hair, overall fitness, and ass. Bulge has been eliminated as a category because there are not enough photographs of the candidates wearing tight-fitting pants.
- Rick Santorum - The man who brought
"man on dog" into the public debate. I may as well admit that his savage-like views on homosexuality prompted the format of this evaluation. So, for reference, open up this link
in another window, so you can see what I'm talking about.
- Face: As you can tell, he's not much to look at. He looks like he has a scrotum hanging off the bottom of his neck. His head looks like it's missing a few neck bolts. His shit-eating grin is just begging for a slap. Score: 3/10
- Hair: He has your basic Lego-Man haircut, nothing to see here. Better than being bald, but not much. Score: 5/10
- Overall fitness: He is mostly trim, but he seems to wear loose-fitting suits so as to conceal a paunch he's been cultivating ever since his family learned that overfeeding him is a way to shut him up. Score: 6/10
- Ass: Again, it's hard to see much when he always wears suits. Unfortunately, a Google search for "Rick Santorum ass" brings up only web pages where he is being called an ass. I'll have to give him the average score. Score: 5/10
- Total Score: 19/40
- Bill Frist - He's been drawing so much attention to himself in the Senate lately that one can only assume he's gearing up for a presidential run. Unfortunately he got bitch-slapped by John McCain recently on the judicial nominee compromise. He's also (in)famous for using his surgical skills to diagnose Terri Schiavo's brain activity by watching a few minutes of edited video footage. Here's a picture for reference.
- Face: Looks a bit Skeletor-ish. Sunken cheeks, protruding facial bones, and visible vocal organs may go over well in your pro-anorexia Internet forums, but here I'm declaring them a grotesque abomination. Score: 2/10
- Hair: Same old Republican Lego-man bullshit haircut. Come on guys, let's mix it up a little bit! Score: 5/10
- Overall fitness: As mentioned above, he is damn near gaunt. My grandmother would certainly scold him for not eating enough. But being dangerously skinny is different than being fit, so he loses some points there. Score: 5/10
- Ass: There is not a lot of meat on his ass, to be sure, although I'm sure what meat exists is soft and supple, gentle to the touch. From experience I can tell you that sitting on that bony thing for too long is not comfortable, so he's probably an "Up and at 'em" kind of guy, but in this forum I'm only concerned with attractiveness. Too bony. Score: 3/10
- Total score: A pathetic 15/40
- Newt Gingrich - This one is hard to imagine, because he's been out of the public spotlight for a while. Recently, however, he seems to be looking for and getting more attention. In his appearance on the Daily Show last week he sounded very much like someone who wants to run for president. On to the judging! (
Reference):
- Face: This man has an enormous dome. Talking about the face on a head this big is like talking about the beauty of a single pebble on Mount Rushmore. With that said, this is not a pretty grill. He is almost never pictured smiling, and when he is, you get the feeling unnatural means were used to get his mouth into position. Score: 3/10
- Hair: He has basically the same haircut as every-fucking-body else. His hair color is a distinguished silver, though, which makes it slightly more interesting. Score: 6/10
- Overall fitness: Ummm... not too good. The only evidence for a skeletal structure within his amorphous amoeba-like frame is his ability to stand up. He looks like the kind of guy whose idea of a diet involves getting a Diet Coke with his Super-sized Big Mac meal. Score: 2/10
- Ass: Well, at least he has some meat to it. Unfortunately, it is likely to be Grade D beef, with splotchy color and rife with asymmetry. Score: 2/10
- Total score: An astonishingly low 13/20
- John McCain - One of the few likeable Republican politicians in existence.
McCain doesn't do much grandstanding, preferring "getting a lot of work done" to "giving the appearance of getting a lot of work done." I might actually vote for him, if he were running against a total dickface Democrat (believe me, there are plenty), because he at least seems to be a reasonable person. Unfortunately, I'm started this evaluation format, so I have to continue it with McCain. Here is a reference
- Face: McCain actually smiles occasionally, which definitely helps, even though he will never be the prettiest girl at the ball. Being the elder of the aforementioned candidates, his face shows more age, but normalized for age he does okay. Score: 6/10
- Hair: The only candidate to step out of LegoLand when he needs a haircut. Unfortunately, being bald, this event does not occur that often. Also has a distinguished silver streak. Score: 5/10
- Overall fitness: He probably is used to taking one too many trips to the buffet, as opposed to Gingrich, who settles in at Bonanza for lunch and keeps eating right through dinner. Overall, not very shapely, but he seems to be in control of his body mass, and appears a very powerful man. Score: 6/10
- Ass: It's hard to tell, because I accidentally deleted my stash of McCain porn to make more room for Linux distributions. But he's probably the cream of the crop as far as Republicans go, which isn't really saying much. Score: 4/10.
- Total score: An astounding 21/40! McCain is my prediction
Posted by mill1991 at June 14, 2005 01:39 PM
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