Broken Wing

Tom Cruise is a crazy person

It hurts me to say that, because twice in my life I have been told that I sort of look like Tom Cruise, once by my friend's mom and once by a gay dude, and I always wore it as a badge of honor. Now, I know that they weren't saying I'm as hot as Tom Cruise, just that I kind of resembled him. Unless having the muscle mass of an anorexic holocaust survivor is considered really hot, in which case I'm golden. Still, it was something I liked to tell everybody I know. Whenever Tom Cruise is slighted he can just say, "Hey! You can't treat me like that! I'm Tom Cruise!" I could similarly say "You can't treat me like that! A gay dude once said I sort of look like Tom Cruise!" Not quite as effective, and frequently responded to with incredulous laughter, but still.

Anyways, the point of this post is that I no longer feel like Tom Cruise is a flattering comparison. For the past month or so, he has been absolutely batshit crazy. First, he's spouting off all this Scientology crap. In case you're not aware, Scientology is a cult religion based on the works of science fiction hack writer L. Ron Hubbard. My personal belief is that all religions are fiction. However, it's usually better if the made up stuff happened so long ago that nobody actually witnessed it being made up, notwithstanding my own attempt with The Church of Futurama.

Next, Cruise has been basically retarded about his new girlfriend, Joey from Dawson's Creek. Given how much of a dickhole Cruise has seemed in all of his recent public appearances, I don't know what Joey from Dawson's Creek sees in him. My theory is that she is really attracted to Maverick from Top Gun, and ended up with a guy who looks like Maverick but has the personality of a dickhole. (Note: I spent 5 minutes trying to think of another fictional character whose personality Cruise reminds me of, but I couldn't think of any character that lame, so I just stuck with dickhole). I bet before sex, she makes him say "I feel the need... the need for SPEED!" And during, "Did you order the code red!?" And finally, "Show me the money!" But that's just conjecture. My point is, a gay dude told me I sort of look like Tom Cruise, and I am not a dickhole, so Joey from Dawson's Creek should just save herself the hassle and date me, although I will probably have to learn her real name. In any case, I approached her with this idea, but her "people" and "activist judges" keep coming between us, with pepper spray and restraining orders, respectively. Posted by mill1991 at June 27, 2005 03:01 PM | TrackBack