Broken Wing

Sausage Fest VII

Sausage Fest VII took place this past weekend at the thumbnail of Wisconsin, and as always, it was the greatest Sausage Fest ever, as well as the best weekend of the past year. Near the end, we started brainstorming ways to bring all the stories together into one coherent narrative. In this process, we realized that were we to finish the task, we would easily have the greatest story ever as our product. In fact, this story would be so fucking sweet that anyone who heard it would have their head explode, and yet they would be willing to accept that as a consequence of hearing such a good story. However, in the interest of avoiding legal expenses, I will only summarize the story using bullet points, because I don't need thousands of my readers' family members suing me. Here goes:

• We played twilight golf at Peninsula State Park on Friday. As Tone Loc rolled into the lot, we saw a brand new Dodge Sprinter (take a look), and jokingly said, "That's probably Jared's new ride." Sure enough, as soon as we got out of Tone's car, Jared and Ludacritz pop out of the Sprinter, beers in hand. We later found out it is not legal to purchase or consume alcohol on this course, but before we did, we finished a twelver in the Sprinter in the parking lot waiting for our tee time, and probably another case out on the course. Tone Loc rolled up to the starter with a beer in his cupholder. Despite our consumption, we all played decent and had many laughs catching up and speeding around the course in our carts.
• Had dinner at Husby's Friday night, had some shots and drinks, and retired to the campsite, where we had a nice fire and went to bed relatively early in preparation for our next day at the beach.
• Got up insanely early for a weekend (9ish), and drove to the beach (at Peninsula State Park). We played volleyball, bocce, testes toss, one-handed under the leg catch, we swam, and probably a few other sports/games. All the while we were consuming malternatives and sub-premium beers. We started as soon as we got to the park, which was around 10 AM - it's noon somewhere, right?
• That morning we had stopped at a grocery store for liquor and food. On our way out, we ran into a fake tattoo machine, where we all purchased one. We put these on at the beach in a manner which can only be described as "extremely gay."
• While getting tattoos, we noticed that they were coming out of the machine in the exact order they were displayed on the machine signage. Jared came up last, and said he wanted the puma tattoo (as did everyone else). But we were all like, "No, it goes in order, you're going to get the lame next one." But Jared got the fucking bad-ass puma! It seems like Jared has a lot of instances like this in his life. This led Machs to say that it's like Jared has a Game Genie for life, which later we called Life Genie. This may go on a future t-shirt of Jared's.
• Tone Loc left the beach early, before grilling, and took all of my fake meat which I had left in his cooler. I'm not fucking pleased with you, Tone.
• About 80% of the conversation dealt with the sexual escapades of one of our friends, who recently told us that during one overnight encounter, he received 9 hjs in 12-15 hours. Every time someone new hears this story, they try to figure out a way in their head to make the math work. It's not worth the effort. It's just one of those crazy things that you will never figure out.
• Last, and certainly the opposite of least, we went to Husby's again, this time just for drinks. Now, this is a nice quiet bar and restaurant. There are no crazy bars in Door County. But that bar got fucking crazy when we were there. First, a random girl bought Machs a drink from across the bar. She was not particularly attractive, but Linz did describe her as "big-titted." Our friend ~~~ (pronounced "Lander") knew the big-titted girls companion, and struck up a conversation with her. Before we knew it, ~~~ and this girl are dancing up on the bar together, and ~~~ is so sauced at this point that his not falling off the bar and cracking his skull is almost enough to make me question my lack of god-belief. Meanwhile, me and Ludacritz were working together on a mother-daughter combination. Luda started out talking to the daughter, but she was clearly more into me, so Luda kindly stepped aside and went to work on the 50-year old. Hot daughter obviously wanted to make out with me, but not in front of her mother. I suggested we go for a "walk" outside, she counter-offered to go to the women's bathroom, and I graciously accepted. While in there, Machs noticed my disappearance, heard what happened, jacked Joynt's camera, and raced into the bathroom to photograph. When I got back out to the bar, the craziness had been kicked up yet another notch. ~~~ and big-titted girl are still dancing all over the bar, except now she has her shirt off. Basically, this girl spent the rest of the night with her tatters hanging out at the bar. Her and ~~~ got kicked off the bar 3 times, so eventually they moved over to the side table and danced up there. Hot daughter and her mother went home at some point in the night, but before they left, 50-year old turned around and made out with Luda for a bit. Luda had made it clear that he wanted to make out with her, because it's just something you could say you've done. (I believe his actual words were "I'm sure I could learn a lot from her.")

Okay, that was a novel of a last bullet point, not to mention the length of this whole entry. Sausage Festers, please add any stories I might have forgotton. Posted by mill1991 at August 15, 2005 06:00 PM | TrackBack