February 10, 2006

How to be a real man, like me

So, the metrosexual fad seems to be fading. Women are realizing that they don't need their men to be whiny and self involved, because they already have that role covered. If you want to become an ex-metro, and there aren't any conversion centers in your neighborhood, don't worry. I am a man's man, and some would even call me a man's man's man. So here are some steps you can take to stop being a metrosexual and be more like me, a red blooded, stone cold, walking, talking, pillar of masculinity.

1) Don't let anyone tell you what to do
Real men don't take orders from anybody, with the exception of men in the military, because they take orders all the time, and what are you saying? That they're not real men? Well, fuck you, traitor. Anyways, back to my point: Civilian real men don't take orders from anybody. For instance, the other day, I was doing my laundry, and the sign on the washing machine said, "Don't overfill", but I still had a few pairs of colored socks left in my basket. At this point, you're probably wondering why on earth I have so many pairs of colored socks, so I should explain: I wear colored socks every day, because I don't like the way that white socks look with jeans, and who wears khakis this year? Anyways, as a real man, I don't listen to anyone, especially a washing "machine", so I threw those socks right in there.

2) Be self sufficient
Whiny half-men go crying with all of their problems to others, while real men aren't afraid to roll up their sleeves and get dirrrty. As an example, last week a tear developed in my duvet cover when I was cutting out some stencils while sitting in bed, and I got a little careless with a razor. Now, a helpless girlie-man might go running for help to his mom or girlfriend (if he even has one, hah!). But a real man doesn't need help from anyone, so I got out my sewing kit and stitched that bad boy up! And after I figured out how to do that, I was so inspired I went and sewed some patches from my old kitschy t-shirts into the back of a jean jacket! If you want a step-by-step I might post it later :). The point is, I did it myself, and if you want to be a real man, you have to learn to support yourself.

3) Don't obsess over appearance
One of the hallmarks of the metrosexuality fad is an obsession over physical appearance. But real men don't spend hours and hours getting their hair perfect and deciding exactly what to wear. I'm a real man, and I don't spend too long on my hair. I buy "Just out of bed" chunking cream and apply it while my hair is moist, not wet, and I can be done with that natural look in as little as 15 minutes. It's only $25 for a week's worth, and it saves me so much time! Take that, you metro wussies! And as far as taking too long to decide what to wear, I can't believe that some prissy little femi-men still do that. What I've done is built a database of my entire wardrobe, split into pants, shirts, shoes, socks, manties, and accessories. Every day I enter in the database what I've worn, along with my personal mood, weather conditions, schedule for the day, people I might run into, and approximate maximum required walking distance for the day. Using a simple machine learning algorithm (exponentiated gradient descent - I know, I went real simple), I simply find the optimal outfit every morning when I wake up. It takes about 15 minutes to run on the University supercomputer (sorry, bioinformatics! You'll have to wait in line!), but I start it before I shower, and then by the time I get out, I already know what I'm going to wear.

Now you've seen that it isn't too difficult to rejoin the ranks of the masculine, even if you have been previously seduced by the beautiful siren song of metrosexuality. Follow these simple tips, and you can be a real man, just like me. Posted by mill1991 at February 10, 2006 6:18 PM