Broken Wing

I am going to slam dunk a basketball

Yes, you read that correctly. I am going to slam dunk a regulation size men's basketball into a regulation height (10') basketball hoop without any outside help. No trampolines, no special shoes, no surgically enhanced achilles tendons. Okay, I might get calf implants, but purely for aesthetic reasons (my unsightly calves are the only thing standing between myself and total physical perfection). From now until the end of this upcoming summer, I am going to devote myself completely to accomplishing the goal of raining down a fury of orange leather on anyone who tries to guard me in the paint. I presume you have a number of questions at this point, which I will now answer to prevent you from talking:

1. Why make slam dunking a basketball your goal?
Last summer I had the goal of growing more facial hair, but it turns out that I don't really have all that much control over that function. So I thought of doing something where the harder I worked, the more likely I would be to accomplish it. My next idea was to do a marathon, since I'm already a runner. But that's a long ways to run, and just training runs can take upwards of an hour a day. Since I am quite lazy, that was out of the question. But with an anaerobic task, I can do my training in short bursts at my convenience. Also, I believe that slam dunking a basketball will increase my reproductive fitness and allow me to spread my seed more effectively.
2. Aren't you a sub-six foot white guy?
Yes, I am. But if I were a 6'6" black dude, then this wouldn't exactly be worth talking about. I would just go do it, without bothering to blog about it. If I were the 6'6" black dude, I might blog instead about becoming really good at curling or something.
3. Aren't you, like, not even that athletic for a white guy?
What? You don't have to be mean about it. But to answer your question anyways, asshole, I am quite athletic. If you doubt me, I invite you to challenge me to a pushup contest, anytime, anyplace. But back to the matter at hand. I believe that dunking is probably close to the limits of my athleticism. But I could be wildly overconfident - it certainly wouldn't be the first time. That is what makes this goal interesting.
4. What makes you think you have a chance?
A basketball coach once told me that the best way to improve leaping ability is to just practice jumping. So I tried it for a week or so in high school, and I increased my vertical by like 6 inches in that short time. A simple calculation shows that by the end of a whole summer of training, I will be able to jump clear over the entire hoop. And that was when I was just a kid, when my total inventory of facial hair could be counted on my hands. Now that I'm a 24-year old man (with double digit numbers of facial hairs), there is no doubt my strapping physique is up to the task.

Over the next several months, I will periodically measure my progress and post reports on this site. Also, to make it interesting, I would like to involve money. Probably everybody that knows me that reads this will think that this task is impossible. So it is a very safe bet. Here is the bet: You put up whatever amount of money you are comfortable with losing. If the unthinkable happens, if I should fail at my task, then the money will be donated to a charity of your choice. If I succeed, however, you must give me the money, which I will either donate to a charity of my choosing, or use as a down payment on my calf implants.

Posted by mill1991 at February 26, 2006 2:43 PM | TrackBack