April 20, 2006

Slam Dunk: First things first

Becoming a great athlete takes a lot of hard work and dedication. The best athletes in the world are those who are able to sacrifice the most in order to reach the top. Or else they use illegal performance-enhancing drugs. But I will not use drugs! Besides my allergy medicine.

This series on my attempt to slam dunk a basketball is more than just a hard-hitting piece of gonzo journalism, more than just shameless self exploitation, and more than a documentation of potentially the greatest athletic achievement in the history of mankind. I also view it as a sort of running "Howto" document, for anyone who would like to achieve athletic greatness, but especially for the children. Millions of little Wingamaniacs out there have been following my career closely, buying my "Wingamaniac" merchandise, and starting their own blogs, which, while cute, are not nearly as polished and hilarious as mine.

This document is a description of the baseline life choices one needs to commit to before embarking on an historic fitness and strength regime like I'm about to. Many of my readers have asked for excruciating detail, and they shall be satisfied. Here are some tough choices I've made:

  • Aerobic training
    • This can be troubling, since I want to accomplish my goals easily, but it's crucial. So in light of its importance, it is worth the effort. What I do is fit this into my regular routine by walking to work (when I miss the bus), taking the stairs (when the elevator is broken), and running several times a week (when I am being chased by wild birds).
  • Strength training
    • I mentioned in the original post that I would just practice leaping, because that would be easy. But in fact, it's not quite that easy. What I recommend is that you put peppy music on repeat, get together multiple changes of athletic clothes, and for each one of those outfits, do a small number of reps of an odd-looking but effective exercise while filming yourself. The important thing is, for the first 9 months, I am not allowed to touch a basketball. I don't know why this is, but in sports movies that sort of thing tends to work.
  • Drinking in moderation
    • Scientists say that having a serving of beer or wine each day is good for your heart. I did some preliminary research during my 4 years of undergraduate work on compressing those 7 drinks into a single night (Friday). My unpublished results show that this regimen has negative effects on athletic ability, although a positive effect on social ability.
  • Refrain from sexual activity immediately before the event
    • As a graduate student in computer science with a large catalogue of science fiction DVDs who's a huge asshole, this will be quite difficult. But! It's very important. World class athletes say that sex before athletic activity can cause you to "lose your edge". Scientists have not yet discovered what this "edge" consists of, but they're pretty sure it's found in spunk.
Posted by mill1991 at April 20, 2006 10:36 PM | TrackBack
Comments

You know, Tim, building off of your comment that not touching a basketball for nine months seems to work in movies:

Why don't you just film yourself doing various exercises towards improving your jumping and then set those scenes to some adrenaline-inducing jam ala "Eye of the Tiger" or "I Would Do Anything For Love". This is called an "80's video montage". You could even mix in some hilarious mishaps of you forgetting to put the top on your blender as you mix a steroid shake, spraying batter all over the kitchen.

If the montage is done quickly and correctly, you could probably dunk by tomorrow.

The other possibility is to become a werewolf whose outstanding basketball prowess only comes out when angered. You would also have to practice car surfing and find a friend with a T-shirt that reads "What are you looking at, Dicknose?"

Best of luck!

Posted by: Joynt at April 20, 2006 12:59 AM

Also, could you please define "spider humping" in your glossary for those of us on the ice fishing trip who had no idea what you were talking about, namely my brother's roommate who you were spider humping?

Posted by: Joynt at April 20, 2006 1:02 AM

Well Joynt, I guess my description of a video montage wasn't good enough for you, but thats what I meant. And your brother is on record that I did not spider hump Diamond Dave, that is a vicious rumor that you started, I can only assume out of a blossoming jealousy over my slam dunking prowess.

Posted by: Tim at April 20, 2006 9:38 AM

It's true, Miller did indeed spider-hump me and not Diamond. However, he did give Diamond a play by play while spider humping me. I believe the phrase, "I'm actually quite shy, but sometimes I have to spider hump" came up. However, even though I have been the recievee of a spider hump, I would like a definition so I can try it out on the ladies...I know I enjoyed it.

Posted by: Little Joynt at April 24, 2006 10:16 PM

Okay, fine, I'll get to it eventually.

Posted by: Tim at April 24, 2006 10:24 PM