How to drive like a man
In high school I took driver's education classes at night at a driving center in my neighborhood. They give you a nice general overview of how to drive, and it also gives you an opportunity to spend some more time with that cute girl from your trig class with the early onset adult breasts, although you will never get the courage to talk to her because you are six inches shorter than her and also a huge loser. Hypothetically, I'm saying. Anyways, back to the drivers ed. While they tell you about all the rules, and how to pass your driver's exam, what they don't tell you is that driving can be optimized based on your station in life. You see, as an American, it is your right, nay, your duty, to create as many superfluous driving opportunities as possible, and it is important to optimize the experience.
So I present here a drivers guide for young, single, childless males who are poor. Really, it's for any economic classes, because all men should drive like they're poor, because spending a ton of money on your car is really a waste - you should not be pouring money into a vehicle just as a misguided attempt at achieving status. Unless, of course, you're involved with women who are really into cars, in which case, you need to drop her like a bad transmission. Anyways, here are my tips:
- Take all curves at the maximum possible speed.
Some people will take a sharp curve by slowing down almost all the way, and then only speeding up as they feel comfortable. As a young male with no children to protect, and potential mates to impress, it is vitally important that you do the exact opposite. Assume that you can take the curve at full speed, or even while accelerating, and only brake within a split second of tires sliding just off the road. That way, you can get where you want to slightly faster, get good use out of your tire tread, and, most importantly, get a feel for the performance capabilities of your car in case you are ever using it to flee at high speeds from nazis or robot tanks.
- Only fill up with gasoline after the gas light has come on.
When that light comes on, you still have like a gallon or two left, which is at least 20 miles unless you drive some sort of tank. Once the light is on, then you start keeping your eyes open for gas stations with the lowest prices, and don't find one until you are satisfied. Try to find one reliably cheap seller and become a regular. Personally, I fill up at a place that keeps prices low by only accepting cash and also you have to refine the oil yourself. Its not easy, or safe, and the fumes kill brain cells by the thousands, but its ten cents cheaper per gallon.
- Be extremely cheap with car maintenance.
Your car's manufacturer probably recommends that you change your oil every 3000 miles. But those guys are totally in bed with the oil change guys, and they're not just lying there holding each other, they're humping like rabbits. So only get your oil changed every 30,000 miles. And when you do go in, they're going to try to "upsell" you, just like they do at fast food restaurants, by telling you you need a new air/oil filter/tube/basin. So, no matter what they say you need to replace, react by looking furious and saying "What?! I just replaced that yesterday at the Rolls Royce dealership." Because even if you don't drive a Rolls Royce, they probably do quality work at their dealerships, assuming they exist. Then the person at JiffyLube will feel really bad and if you play your cards right you can probably score a date with his sister.
- Use your car as a free storage facility
Some people keep all their "stuff" in their apartments, and the only things in their car are things they are transporting, or things they need for their car. These people are not thinking outside the box. But the problem is much worse than that, as most of these people do not even realize that they are inside a box, but rather think of it as a kind of spheroid with a wavy texture, which is way off. You need to think of your car as a second home on wheels, a "mobile home", so to speak. Keep as much junk in it as possible, and cover it up with blankets, because then it protects it from thieves, who will be like, "What's in this car? Oh, nothing but a huge pile of blankets probably."
Posted by mill1991 at April 2, 2006 11:22 PM
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