Broken Wing

Ask Tim: Am I an alcoholic?

A reader asks:

In high school one of our teachers gave us a list of criteria to determine if you were an alcoholic. But now, as a college student, they seem awfully harsh. Can you tell me how I can tell if I am an alcoholic?

No problem, anonymous reader! Here are some example cases so that you can tell whether you are an alcoholic or someone whose life is worth living.

If you come home everyday after work to your apartment and have a six-pack, you are an alcoholic and you need to seek help.
If you come home everyday after work to your apartment and have a six-pack with your roommates, you are not an alcoholic, you are a social drinker.

If you drink the same inexpensive beer 4 or more days of a week, then you are an alcoholic and you need to seek help.
If you drink a different expensive beer 4 or more days a week, then you are not an alcoholic, you are a connoisseur and you are worthy of admiration.

If you are drinking in the street in the middle of the day, you are an alcoholic and you need to seek help.
If you are drinking in the street in the middle of the day, and are in one of New Orleans, Las Vegas, or Mexico, you are not an alcoholic, you are a tourist, one of the driving forces of our economy.

If you woke up in the gutter with a wine bottle in your hand, wearing puke- and urine-stained clothes, and haven't showered in a week, you are an alcoholic and you need to seek help.
If you woke up in the gutter with a wine bottle in your hand, wearing puke- and urine-stained clothes, haven't showered in a week, and are currently enrolled in a four-year college or university, you are not an alcoholic, you are a college student, the future of our great country.

Posted by mill1991 at May 14, 2006 10:05 PM | TrackBack