April 29, 2004
- I'm afraid of small animals (squirrels, rabbits, birds)
- I'm constantly whining about trivial problems
- My blog lacks subtlety
- I have no muscle tone.
- I don't know the proper way to tie a scarf
- I am afraid of attractive women
- My shoes are a little too big, so I have to tie them really
tight to keep them on, and it looks like I have really skinny feet.
Also, the laces are thus too long, so they're always coming untied.
- I don't really like any of the pairs of pants that I own.
- My ability to get a suntan ranks between "dismal" and "piss poor"
Posted by mill1991 at 7:45 AM
April 27, 2004
Paint the bridge!
So, last week was "Spring Jam" here at the U of M, and thus there were festivities
all week long. One of these activities was "Paint the Bridge!" meaning the Washington
Avenue bridge, which crosses the Mississippi river from the East Bank to the West Bank.
Now, in the weeks prior to this, facilities management types had been stripping old
paint and applying new base coats to the bridge. I thought, "Oh great, they'll let
students paint a bright mural or some such pleasantness." Not so, my naive inner
voice. Paint the Bridge! day came, and guess what? It involved like 5 students
painting over the new base coat with a slightly different base color. Thats
right, Paint the Bridge! day is nothing but a University scam to get already
over-worked and under-drunk students to put a second coat of paint on the bridge
by dressing it up as an "event." Whats next, "Vacuum the Student Union Night!"
Maybe "Wash President Bruininks SUV Day!" If you're not outraged, you're not
paying attention. Or, maybe you are paying attention, but you are just too
tired to work yourself up to outraged. Maybe you aren't paying attention because
you're drunk. It is you I envy.
Posted by mill1991 at 5:46 AM
April 26, 2004
She said: "Why did you do that?"
I said: "Because I was drunk."
She said: "Thats not an excuse."
I said: "Yes, thats exactly what it is."
Posted by mill1991 at 6:46 AM
April 23, 2004
Prophet or crazy
Today I was thinking about how God doesn't talk to people like he used to.
If you talked to god earlier than, say, the Renaissance, you were a
prophet. Now, if you talk to god, you're just bat-shit crazy.
This may lead many of you to think, "Well, what about
Reggie White? Does he really talk to God, or is he crazy too?"
However, this led me
to think, "How could someone who is so
clearly crazy play professional football for so long?"
See the difference? He's fucking insane. I can't even comprehend the
size of the ego a person would have to have to think that God would
talk to them, let alone about issues such as which teams contract
offer looks the best. God's all, "Reginald, I think you should sign
with the Packers. The other offer is worth more overall, but its all
backend money. With the Packers' bonus offer, and assumed annual
interest rate of blah percent, it ends up being worth more in
the long run." Congratulations, Reggie White, for trivializing your
deity more than any non-believer could. If your wife isn't around,
do you ask God which belt matches your slacks better?
Does God tell you which lane is moving faster on the freeway? If your
god really gives a shit about the things you think he does, then
you've probably picked the wrong god. You might want to try
Shinto or Huyijih (okay I made that one up).
Posted by mill1991 at 7:48 AM
April 22, 2004
I thought of a better idea for the crazy religious fanatics on our
campus. First, when I'm walking by minding my own business and they call to me,
I'll pretend like I'm surprised and flattered that a stranger wants
to talk to me. "Who, me? Sure, I've got time to talk."
Then, when they ask me if I've heard the "good news,"
I'll ask, "You mean about a
UMD alumni winning the Pulitzer Prize?"
Then they'll say, "No, the
good news about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." And I'll reply, "No,
doesn't really ring a bell. I'm a first year grad student, though, so
I'm always a little bit behind on the news."
"Well, God sent his son,
who was actually himself, to die on earth for us."
"Wow! That sucks! So your god is dead?"
"No! It's great! Now, we can do whatever we want, and
as long as we apologize for it sometime before death, we're not responsible."
Anyways, I could probably drag
this out for a while, but the idea is that I'd gradually let them think
that they were converting me. Because this is like their wet dream, right -
finding someone who isn't going to heaven and getting him in! Then
if I could help by donating money. When
they tell me yes, I will reach into my backpack and unfold a giant
cardboard novelty check written for $10,000 (Granted, its heavier than
carrying around a few tracts, but its a worthwhile cause).
Posted by mill1991 at 8:49 AM
April 18, 2004
Blind people are hard to offend
As I was walking back home through the campus today, I noticed some people
were pretending to be blind, wearing blindfolds, using the canes, and having
an assistant to help guide them. This is probably a useful exercise in some
way, though it currently escapes me in which way. Anyways, the "blind" people
weren't taking it seriously at all - they were all laughing and smiling and
making a game of it. I thought, man, that must be offensive to blind people,
that these schmoes are walking around like being blind is a big joke. But
then I thought, who the hell cares? It's not like the blind people can see
this at all.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:54 PM
April 17, 2004
More alarm clock laziness
I have one of these alarm clocks where to set the time, you can't go
backwards. You can only go forward slowly or forward quickly. But it
takes a long time to go backwards like 2 minutes, because you have to
go forward 23 hours and 58 minutes to get there. So this is my all
time lazy story: One time the power went out, so my alarm clock reset to
midnight, and I didn't want to have to hold the button down until 5:00
PM, so I just waited until midnight. Mind you, I usually go to bed earlier
than that (at least I did when this story took place).
Can you beat that for laziness? Feel free to e-mail me with any
stories documenting your laziness thus.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:55 PM
April 16, 2004
Have you ever woken up like 2 minutes before your alarm clock is set
to go off, and instead of just getting up, decide to savor those 2
minutes and just roll over? Okay, silly question, everybody does
that. But, I have an alarm clock that also has the seconds available
if you press the giant button on top. Should this matter? Well, I'm
here to tell you it does. I had to get up mega-early today to get to
the breakfast at the
Computational Neuroimaging Seminar
. At 6:29 I woke up, but still tired
from a late night of studying, I pressed the giant button to see how many
seconds I had left. 14. I turned back over. Speaking of alarms, the
alarm on my cellphone is useless. It rings once. This thing wouldn't
wake up the princess from "The Princess and the Pea." Okay, thats a
weird reference, but the point is her sleep is easily disturbed and well,
Posted by mill1991 at 1:56 PM
April 12, 2004
I saw a guy wearing a "Big Dog
t-shirt today. If you're not aware, this
is a clothing line for tubby men (well, its mainly just shitty t-shirts).
The shirts might as well read "I'm a big
fat guy," because that is what my brain registers when I see the phrase
"Big Dog." If its not bad enough that these lard-asses are wasting the
earths resources by being fat, they are also dumb enough to have their
tubbiness exploited by a company surely founded by an evil skinny genius.
The pride that this clothing instills in fat men just encourages them
to keep getting fatter.
It is a way of saying, "It's okay to be fat as hell."
Unfortunately for these
butter-chuggers, it is not okay. Stop wasting food resources. Stop eating
when you are full. Stop treating food like it is medicine for your
pathetic, unfulfilled life. Stop filling up idle time with food - get a
hobby instead. I recommend huffing or driving motorcycles really fast without
a helmet on balance beams.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:57 PM
April 4, 2004
Chair smashin' fun
Last nite I went to bed around 3, only to be awoken a few minutes
later by loud yelling and smashing noises. It sounded like it was
coming from our backyard, which we share with another house,
so I looked out my window to see what it was. Our neighbors had
about 10-15 people outside, and some of them were just smashing the
shit out of this plastic chair. By the time I bothered to look, the
chair was already in pretty rough shape. The main smasher was holding
it by two legs, which were barely connected by a thin piece of cheap
plastic. I wasn't pissed, but I was tired, and I figured they were done,
so I went back to bed. To my surprise, the yelling and smashing sounds
continued on for at least another 15 minutes. I was thinking, how tiny must
the remaining plastic shards of that poor chair be that they're smashing?
Don't you reach a point where further smashing is no longer fun? I guess
not for these guys. It is not possible to break this chair into smaller
component parts without electron microscopes and some kind of
is a (rather dark) picture of the wreckage I took
tonight (a day later - chair shards are white).
Posted by mill1991 at 1:58 PM
April 3, 2004
Vegetarian hot dogs
You may have heard me rant about this previously. I saw they have
vegetarian hot dogs in the natural foods section of the store I shop
at. My question is, do they really think this will lure in more
vegetarians? Was there a whole segment of the meat-eating population
out there saying, "If only they could make a food that looked and tasted
like hot dogs, without meat, I would become a vegetarian?" Because I hate
to break it to those people, but hot dogs are really not that great.
The only good reasons to
eat a hot dog are a) If you're in college, living hand-to-mouth and buying
groceries using plasma-donation money, b) you are homeless, c) you are
on your sixth PBR in the parking lot of a baseball stadium, with a grill
going full bore, and nary a brat or hamburger to be found. Even then,
it might be preferable to grill the stuffing from your carseats. Not much
flavor, but it has a sort of cotton candy-like consistency.
Posted by mill1991 at 2:00 PM