May 28, 2004
The scariest thing that happens to me during a typical day is
that half second where the Ruffles bag teeters on the edge and looks like
it might get caught by the metal and not fall into the bin. Then
it does fall, and my world comes together. Its kind of emasculating
though, like they talk about in Fight Club, how modern technology
and mass production and white-collar jobs have de-mannized us. We don't
have to hunt or fight for anything anymore. But, I suppose its better
than dying at age 25 at the hands (paws?) of a hyena. Plus, they
didn't even have fireplaces back then. They actually had to watch
their fire the whole time! What a waste of time. How could you
get your Simpson's fix if you're constantly worrying about keeping
the fire going and protecting your berries from bears and keeping
your loincloth free of biting insects? Now that I think about it,
being a caveman pretty much sucked, and modern technology kicks ass.
If the worst part is that my male aggression needs to be bottled
up a little bit, then I can take that. I'll just let it out
next time I go bowling and it becomes competitive. Isn't that
why sports were invented? I'm going to let my nails grow about an
inch and sharpen them, and when an opponent gets a strike I'll run
up to him and give him a good slash across the face
like Wolverine from the X-men, letting out a scream like its a Klingon
death ceremony. Wow, an X-men reference and Star Trek reference in the
same sentence. I have reached new heights of nerdliness.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:30 AM
May 26, 2004
The other day I called Papa John's for pizza because my food shelf
was down to those little noodle shavings that fall out of the bottom
of pasta boxes and a cooler which is not edible (though not for lack
of trying). The man on the other line told me the special was a
free DVD with a large pizza. I said, "I'll have a large spinach
alfredo pizza and Return of the King please." It turns out you
can only choose from one of three movies, Weekend at
(Is there anybody who has seen this less than 10 times?),
Trial and Error
(A legal farce starring Michael Richards), or
Don Juan de Marco
(The movie I chose). It turns out these
would've been my next three choices anyways, so it worked out okay.
So I watched DJdM (as its referred to in Internet chatrooms) last night.
This movie would've been immensely better were Marlon Brando not so
amazingly fat. There was a scene where he had to be affectionate with
his wife, and it looked like the Kool-Aid man was attacking one of the
children whose thirst he had broken through the wall to quench. Let me
take this opportunity to apologize to Microsoft Word for using the passive
voice, but I just thought it sounded better there. Anyways, it's hard
to believe that despite the ease of making fun of fat people, it's still
Posted by mill1991 at 6:32 AM
May 21, 2004
Dick Strong of Strong Capital Management
was fined $175 million
a lifetime ban from the mutual fund industry. It is unknown what
career path Strong will now take, but with a name like that, I have
to recommend porno actor.
I had a dream last night that I accidentally peed all over the kitchen
counter (I was trying to get it in the dishwasher). Then, I tried to
clean it up before my roommates came downstairs. First, I dried it with
paper towel, and then I was going to use disinfectant on it, but right
then my roommates came down and I didn't want them to know what had happened,
so I just left it. Then, I ate a big bowl of cereal out of a casserole dish.
Last night while golfing:
Other guy: (whispering) With your fade, you might want to aim at that...
Me: (whispering) You can just call it a slice if you like.
Other guy: (whispering) With your slice, you might want to aim at that
tree, because to the right is out of bounds.
Pros and cons of my latest haircut:
|Pro: Inexpensive ($12)
||Con: $12 looks like the approximate amount
they pay for a month of rent in that facility
|Con: Employees spoke Arabic the whole time, didn't
really know any English
||Pro: Didn't have pretend to be interested in
incredibly banal barber "smalltalk"
|Pro: Barber appeared to be experienced and
||Con: Cutting speed while barber did the
blending could be meausured in megahertz. A little scary. Hair was flying
all over like Edward Scissorhands was trimming the shrubs.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:35 AM
May 19, 2004
Nothing interesting happened to me today, so I have writer's block. Thus,
I have compiled a list of things that are gross.
- The kid in one of my project groups who always grabbed his
crotch while using my mouse.
- Thinking about whether or not other people have read library
books while filling up the grump box.
- Unwashed mixed-drink glasses that have the unremovable circle of
mold on the bottom by Tuesday afternoon.
- Anything that has touched the floor of a college bar
- Shaking hands with people who sneeze a lot.
- Full garbage bags with liquids in them
- Mice and keyboards in public computer labs
- Bathrooms at any library
Posted by mill1991 at 6:36 AM
May 18, 2004
I think if the Timberwolves moved their home court to the hoop
in my driveway I could play for them. I can't miss out there! I'm
not saying I could take Garnett's place, but I
would be at least as good as Fred Hoiberg (yes there is really a player
in the NBA named Fred Hoiberg). Granted, the seating capacity of
my backyard is vastly exceeded by that of the Target Center. But I
think the thousand or so that could fit would really make some noise.
You should hear how loud everything outside is in my bedroom at 2 AM
the night before important exams. Plus, the hoop is a little slanted
to one side, and it should be harder for the NBA players to hit from
the opposite side, but I'm telling you, I hit everything from that side!
Also, the whole left side of the backboard is pretty much a giant hole.
I have the experience to not shoot from that side. Does Fred Hoiberg
have that experience? No. Finally, from the recent storms, there
are branches and leaves strewn about the driveway that make a basketball
bounce about as reliably as a football usually does. This levels the
playing field! I can't dribble, but now neither can they! Speaking
of basketball, if Jesus played basketball, would he bother advancing the
ball upcourt and setting up the offense, or would he just shoot as
soon as he got his hands on the ball? I say "Just shoot, Jesus."
Posted by mill1991 at 1:37 PM
May 15, 2004
Is it really necessary to have a peanut allergen warning on the side
of a can of mixed nuts? I realize peanut allergies are serious and
everything, but if a person picks up a can of nuts wondering, "Do
these have nuts in them?" he or she deserves to die. Also, I wonder
if people at the peanut company have been making this observation for
decades now. In a related anecdote, the HI-C fountain at Erbert and
Gerbert's has a sign that says "Contains no juice." Is it really
necessary for products to list ingredients that they don't contain?
This could fill up the label in a hurry. "Contains no juice, arsenic,
formeldahyde, asbestos, broken glass, gasoline, etc..."
Now, I know it is probably
required since it's a juice-like drink. But, do they have to put a
label on Apple Jacks that says "Contains no apples," or a label
on Grape Nuts that says "Contains no grapes or nuts?" Well, you
probably get the point. I'm going to continue anyways because its
fun for me. Do they need a label on Camel cigarettes that says "Contains
no camels?" Why isn't there a label on my Chumba Wumba CD that says
"Contains no Chumbas and only 10% Wumbas." Why doesn't the FDA make
Ice Mountain add a label that says, "Contains no solid ice?"
Posted by mill1991 at 6:38 AM
May 13, 2004
Today I actually said this sentence: "Shit, its 70 degrees out. Well
at least it's not sunny." If I had been talking to an actual
person, and not Weather.com's website, I would fully expect
and deserve to get hit in the face. But I was pissed because
I had to be dressed up for a thing so I had to wear pants. I
didn't say what the thing is because I'm trying to conserve
energy so that I don't sweat too much in these goddam pants.
I'm doing anything I can to reduce my personal energy expenditure,
like choosing small words to type that have most of their letters
on the home row. And forget about me going up to the top row for a
number. How old am I? Twenty-two. How hot is it out? Very. See?
No energy wasted. If only I could get a fire pole installed to get
downstairs to breakfast. Yeah. Then I'd be set.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:39 PM
May 11, 2004
When I was in elementary school, I bit somebody at recess one
day and I had to go to the principals office along with my
victim. The principal was a really nice guy, and he didn't
yell or anything, probably because I was like 2 foot 6 at that
point in my development and the strong breeze that yelling
generates could've sent my meager frame across the room. But
he asked me if I knew what the most dangerous kind of animal
bite was. Now, this is the type of bullshit question that he's trying to
answer just by asking. (Like, "Isn't that
the true meaning
of Christmas?" kind of stuff). So, his answer was humans, but
I was thinking, I don't know, maybe shark, a shark bite? Because,
you know, I've never been bitten by a shark, but they do have
awfully sharp teeth, meant for killing live animals. Or crocodile!
Yes, it has to be crocodile. They can generate so much force!
You'll never escape. Human bite? Give me a break. Are you looking
at this kid? He has a freaking red mark! Why don't you ask him if
he'd trade that for a shark bite. The absolute
worst case scenario is spreading disease, and lets face it, I was
more likely to catch disease from that chomp-inviter than
he was from me.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:40 AM
May 7, 2004
Eating until I puke
So, my mom sent me a package with chex mix and cookies in it, and I
saw that it was good, and it was pleasing to me. But once I tear the
lid off those Chex mix, I don't stop until its gone. I'm like a puppy
that doesn't know to stop eating when it is full and eventually pukes
on your sweater. Speaking of puke, I saw a bird pecking at the sidewalk
today and I was wondering why they always do that. How much food can
there really be on the sidewalk? Well, this particular time, the birds
were pecking at the food remnants of some dried puke on the sidewalk
(there were 4 major
puke areas). This is so disgusting, I just wanted to punch the crap
out of these birds. Birds are so stupid. Stupid animal behavior like
this is what makes me a vegetarian. I'd like to be able to tell people
I'm vegetarian because I'm against killing animals, but really animals
are just too gross to eat. Have you ever been inside a barn? I have.
Its disgusting. There is shit everywhere. You want to eat the
flesh of an animal that feeds on the remains of its fallen brethren,
spends its entire life covered in feces, spends its childhood suckling
at the shit-covered teat of its disgusting mother, and doesn't have
the mental capacity to wipe its ass? Good luck with all that. I'm
sticking with plants. It works out well because the "waste" that
they produce is actually pretty good for breathing, which I've grown
quite fond of.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:40 AM
May 6, 2004
I've been told by several people that I don't seem as old as I am (I'm
22). Some of this is probably due to the fact that I still cannot grow
more facial hair than most middle schoolers. It may also have to do
with the fact that I routinely wear Transformer t-shirts and slap
bracelets, and frequently ask my professors when recess will be. But
people are neglecting the things I do that prove that I am, indeed, a
22-year old college graduate. For instance, I now pronounce the 'g' at the
end of the word 'fucking'. Would a college dropout do that? Well, how about
someone who is still in college? I don't think so. Also, I often
wake up before 9:00, something I never did when I was an undergraduate.
If I was out of bed, or in class, or eating breakfast before 9:00, I can
assure you I was not anything that resembles awake. There was a period
of a few weeks my senior year where I was getting almost as much sleep
as Stanman. If you know his sleeping habits, you know this is
remarkable. For a while I was under consideration for a presidential
medal of courage for this feat. They ended up giving to the host
of Fear Factor for his tremendous courage in not constantly
lunging at the contestants' breasts. You may have won this time,
Joe Rogan, but the day will come when you realize that the new
Man Show really sucks.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:41 AM
May 3, 2004
Yesterday at the store, I bought some Cranberry Almond Crunch cereal,
as I do every weekend. This time, to my surprise, the box says,
"25% more cranberries!" I thought, what did I do to deserve this? I
must be the luckiest man alive. This morning I tried some of my
"improved" CAC (thats what the kids call it to save time). To my
dismay, I discovered that they are using different corn flakes. Ones
that are really hard and don't respond well to soy milk. In other
words, the cranberries are just a red herring - Hey! Look over here! More
cranberries! No! Don't look at the flakes! They must think I'm some
kind of moron. This is insulting. If truth in advertising laws were
enforced, the box would have to read "25% more cranberries! 100%
shittier flakes!" I'm hopeful I can help bring this travesty to
the forefront of our national discourse. On a positive note, my
grapefruit was very juicy this morning.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:43 AM
May 2, 2004
Hey, old guys with cigars: Is it not enough that you're an old
bastard already, you also want to smell like shit? Come on,
George Burns, what are you trying to prove? Speaking of this,
what is the deal with those ass-clowns smoking pipes every time
I go mini-golfing? Somebody get these Sherlock Holmes wannabes
a clue. What is my problem with these uber-smokers? Elementary,
my dear reader, they smell like shit and their faces look like
worn leather. I don't have anything but insults today.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:44 AM