May 28, 2004

Trivial Pursuits

The scariest thing that happens to me during a typical day is that half second where the Ruffles bag teeters on the edge and looks like it might get caught by the metal and not fall into the bin. Then it does fall, and my world comes together. Its kind of emasculating though, like they talk about in Fight Club, how modern technology and mass production and white-collar jobs have de-mannized us. We don't have to hunt or fight for anything anymore. But, I suppose its better than dying at age 25 at the hands (paws?) of a hyena. Plus, they didn't even have fireplaces back then. They actually had to watch their fire the whole time! What a waste of time. How could you get your Simpson's fix if you're constantly worrying about keeping the fire going and protecting your berries from bears and keeping your loincloth free of biting insects? Now that I think about it, being a caveman pretty much sucked, and modern technology kicks ass. If the worst part is that my male aggression needs to be bottled up a little bit, then I can take that. I'll just let it out next time I go bowling and it becomes competitive. Isn't that why sports were invented? I'm going to let my nails grow about an inch and sharpen them, and when an opponent gets a strike I'll run up to him and give him a good slash across the face like Wolverine from the X-men, letting out a scream like its a Klingon death ceremony. Wow, an X-men reference and Star Trek reference in the same sentence. I have reached new heights of nerdliness.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:30 AM

May 26, 2004

Classic Cinema

The other day I called Papa John's for pizza because my food shelf was down to those little noodle shavings that fall out of the bottom of pasta boxes and a cooler which is not edible (though not for lack of trying). The man on the other line told me the special was a free DVD with a large pizza. I said, "I'll have a large spinach alfredo pizza and Return of the King please." It turns out you can only choose from one of three movies, Weekend at Bernie's (Is there anybody who has seen this less than 10 times?), Trial and Error (A legal farce starring Michael Richards), or Don Juan de Marco (The movie I chose). It turns out these would've been my next three choices anyways, so it worked out okay. So I watched DJdM (as its referred to in Internet chatrooms) last night. This movie would've been immensely better were Marlon Brando not so amazingly fat. There was a scene where he had to be affectionate with his wife, and it looked like the Kool-Aid man was attacking one of the children whose thirst he had broken through the wall to quench. Let me take this opportunity to apologize to Microsoft Word for using the passive voice, but I just thought it sounded better there. Anyways, it's hard to believe that despite the ease of making fun of fat people, it's still so entertaining.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:32 AM

May 21, 2004

Random

Dick Strong of Strong Capital Management was fined $175 million and accepted a lifetime ban from the mutual fund industry. It is unknown what career path Strong will now take, but with a name like that, I have to recommend porno actor.

I had a dream last night that I accidentally peed all over the kitchen counter (I was trying to get it in the dishwasher). Then, I tried to clean it up before my roommates came downstairs. First, I dried it with paper towel, and then I was going to use disinfectant on it, but right then my roommates came down and I didn't want them to know what had happened, so I just left it. Then, I ate a big bowl of cereal out of a casserole dish.

Last night while golfing:
Other guy: (whispering) With your fade, you might want to aim at that...
Me: (whispering) You can just call it a slice if you like.
Other guy: (whispering) With your slice, you might want to aim at that tree, because to the right is out of bounds.

Pros and cons of my latest haircut:

Pro: Inexpensive ($12) Con: $12 looks like the approximate amount they pay for a month of rent in that facility
Con: Employees spoke Arabic the whole time, didn't really know any English Pro: Didn't have pretend to be interested in incredibly banal barber "smalltalk"
Pro: Barber appeared to be experienced and professional Con: Cutting speed while barber did the blending could be meausured in megahertz. A little scary. Hair was flying all over like Edward Scissorhands was trimming the shrubs.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:35 AM

May 19, 2004

Nothing

Nothing interesting happened to me today, so I have writer's block. Thus, I have compiled a list of things that are gross.
  • The kid in one of my project groups who always grabbed his crotch while using my mouse.
  • Thinking about whether or not other people have read library books while filling up the grump box.
  • Unwashed mixed-drink glasses that have the unremovable circle of mold on the bottom by Tuesday afternoon.
  • Anything that has touched the floor of a college bar
  • Shaking hands with people who sneeze a lot.
  • Birds.
  • Full garbage bags with liquids in them
  • Mice and keyboards in public computer labs
  • Bathrooms at any library
Posted by mill1991 at 6:36 AM

May 18, 2004

Basketball

I think if the Timberwolves moved their home court to the hoop in my driveway I could play for them. I can't miss out there! I'm not saying I could take Garnett's place, but I would be at least as good as Fred Hoiberg (yes there is really a player in the NBA named Fred Hoiberg). Granted, the seating capacity of my backyard is vastly exceeded by that of the Target Center. But I think the thousand or so that could fit would really make some noise. You should hear how loud everything outside is in my bedroom at 2 AM the night before important exams. Plus, the hoop is a little slanted to one side, and it should be harder for the NBA players to hit from the opposite side, but I'm telling you, I hit everything from that side! Also, the whole left side of the backboard is pretty much a giant hole. I have the experience to not shoot from that side. Does Fred Hoiberg have that experience? No. Finally, from the recent storms, there are branches and leaves strewn about the driveway that make a basketball bounce about as reliably as a football usually does. This levels the playing field! I can't dribble, but now neither can they! Speaking of basketball, if Jesus played basketball, would he bother advancing the ball upcourt and setting up the offense, or would he just shoot as soon as he got his hands on the ball? I say "Just shoot, Jesus."
Posted by mill1991 at 1:37 PM

May 15, 2004

Labels

Is it really necessary to have a peanut allergen warning on the side of a can of mixed nuts? I realize peanut allergies are serious and everything, but if a person picks up a can of nuts wondering, "Do these have nuts in them?" he or she deserves to die. Also, I wonder if people at the peanut company have been making this observation for decades now. In a related anecdote, the HI-C fountain at Erbert and Gerbert's has a sign that says "Contains no juice." Is it really necessary for products to list ingredients that they don't contain? This could fill up the label in a hurry. "Contains no juice, arsenic, formeldahyde, asbestos, broken glass, gasoline, etc..." Now, I know it is probably required since it's a juice-like drink. But, do they have to put a label on Apple Jacks that says "Contains no apples," or a label on Grape Nuts that says "Contains no grapes or nuts?" Well, you probably get the point. I'm going to continue anyways because its fun for me. Do they need a label on Camel cigarettes that says "Contains no camels?" Why isn't there a label on my Chumba Wumba CD that says "Contains no Chumbas and only 10% Wumbas." Why doesn't the FDA make Ice Mountain add a label that says, "Contains no solid ice?"
Posted by mill1991 at 6:38 AM

May 13, 2004

Weather

Today I actually said this sentence: "Shit, its 70 degrees out. Well at least it's not sunny." If I had been talking to an actual person, and not Weather.com's website, I would fully expect and deserve to get hit in the face. But I was pissed because I had to be dressed up for a thing so I had to wear pants. I didn't say what the thing is because I'm trying to conserve energy so that I don't sweat too much in these goddam pants. I'm doing anything I can to reduce my personal energy expenditure, like choosing small words to type that have most of their letters on the home row. And forget about me going up to the top row for a number. How old am I? Twenty-two. How hot is it out? Very. See? No energy wasted. If only I could get a fire pole installed to get downstairs to breakfast. Yeah. Then I'd be set.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:39 PM

May 11, 2004

Biting

When I was in elementary school, I bit somebody at recess one day and I had to go to the principals office along with my victim. The principal was a really nice guy, and he didn't yell or anything, probably because I was like 2 foot 6 at that point in my development and the strong breeze that yelling generates could've sent my meager frame across the room. But he asked me if I knew what the most dangerous kind of animal bite was. Now, this is the type of bullshit question that he's trying to answer just by asking. (Like, "Isn't that the true meaning of Christmas?" kind of stuff). So, his answer was humans, but I was thinking, I don't know, maybe shark, a shark bite? Because, you know, I've never been bitten by a shark, but they do have awfully sharp teeth, meant for killing live animals. Or crocodile! Yes, it has to be crocodile. They can generate so much force! You'll never escape. Human bite? Give me a break. Are you looking at this kid? He has a freaking red mark! Why don't you ask him if he'd trade that for a shark bite. The absolute worst case scenario is spreading disease, and lets face it, I was more likely to catch disease from that chomp-inviter than he was from me.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:40 AM

May 7, 2004

Eating until I puke

So, my mom sent me a package with chex mix and cookies in it, and I saw that it was good, and it was pleasing to me. But once I tear the lid off those Chex mix, I don't stop until its gone. I'm like a puppy that doesn't know to stop eating when it is full and eventually pukes on your sweater. Speaking of puke, I saw a bird pecking at the sidewalk today and I was wondering why they always do that. How much food can there really be on the sidewalk? Well, this particular time, the birds were pecking at the food remnants of some dried puke on the sidewalk (there were 4 major puke areas). This is so disgusting, I just wanted to punch the crap out of these birds. Birds are so stupid. Stupid animal behavior like this is what makes me a vegetarian. I'd like to be able to tell people I'm vegetarian because I'm against killing animals, but really animals are just too gross to eat. Have you ever been inside a barn? I have. Its disgusting. There is shit everywhere. You want to eat the flesh of an animal that feeds on the remains of its fallen brethren, spends its entire life covered in feces, spends its childhood suckling at the shit-covered teat of its disgusting mother, and doesn't have the mental capacity to wipe its ass? Good luck with all that. I'm sticking with plants. It works out well because the "waste" that they produce is actually pretty good for breathing, which I've grown quite fond of.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:40 AM

May 6, 2004

Looking young

I've been told by several people that I don't seem as old as I am (I'm 22). Some of this is probably due to the fact that I still cannot grow more facial hair than most middle schoolers. It may also have to do with the fact that I routinely wear Transformer t-shirts and slap bracelets, and frequently ask my professors when recess will be. But people are neglecting the things I do that prove that I am, indeed, a 22-year old college graduate. For instance, I now pronounce the 'g' at the end of the word 'fucking'. Would a college dropout do that? Well, how about someone who is still in college? I don't think so. Also, I often wake up before 9:00, something I never did when I was an undergraduate. If I was out of bed, or in class, or eating breakfast before 9:00, I can assure you I was not anything that resembles awake. There was a period of a few weeks my senior year where I was getting almost as much sleep as Stanman. If you know his sleeping habits, you know this is remarkable. For a while I was under consideration for a presidential medal of courage for this feat. They ended up giving to the host of Fear Factor for his tremendous courage in not constantly lunging at the contestants' breasts. You may have won this time, Joe Rogan, but the day will come when you realize that the new Man Show really sucks.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:41 AM

May 3, 2004

Conspiracy unraveled

Yesterday at the store, I bought some Cranberry Almond Crunch cereal, as I do every weekend. This time, to my surprise, the box says, "25% more cranberries!" I thought, what did I do to deserve this? I must be the luckiest man alive. This morning I tried some of my "improved" CAC (thats what the kids call it to save time). To my dismay, I discovered that they are using different corn flakes. Ones that are really hard and don't respond well to soy milk. In other words, the cranberries are just a red herring - Hey! Look over here! More cranberries! No! Don't look at the flakes! They must think I'm some kind of moron. This is insulting. If truth in advertising laws were enforced, the box would have to read "25% more cranberries! 100% shittier flakes!" I'm hopeful I can help bring this travesty to the forefront of our national discourse. On a positive note, my grapefruit was very juicy this morning.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:43 AM

May 2, 2004

Insult Comedy

Hey, old guys with cigars: Is it not enough that you're an old bastard already, you also want to smell like shit? Come on, George Burns, what are you trying to prove? Speaking of this, what is the deal with those ass-clowns smoking pipes every time I go mini-golfing? Somebody get these Sherlock Holmes wannabes a clue. What is my problem with these uber-smokers? Elementary, my dear reader, they smell like shit and their faces look like worn leather. I don't have anything but insults today.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:44 AM