June 30, 2004

Country "Music"

Man, if there is one thing that really polarizes this great nation of ours, its country music. For an example, this article in Rolling Stone mentions country singer Joe Nichols' hit-laden debut. So, riddle me this: If this album is really so hit-laden, how come I have never even heard of the person? Granted, its possible that I could miss hearing a certain hit song. However, for me to miss out on the sheer volume of popular music that would comprise an album described as hit-laden, well, its just unfathomable. I'm way too well informed, what with my 8 hour a day web surfing addiction. Its like country music radio exists in this alternate universe where everyone wears ten gallon hats and carries six-shooters. Meanwhile, those of us in the real world still think that Billy Ray Cyrus is extremely popular. And maybe I don't get it, but from what I have heard of modern country music, real country music doesn't even exist anymore. Neo-country seems to me to pretty much be pop music with acoustic guitars, cowboy hats, and southern accents. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying its all bad, just that its changed so much. Its still a hell of a lot better than Christian rock. Comparing Christian rock to country is like comparing Danielle Steele to Shakespeare. And comparing country music to the music that I listen to is like comparing hamsters to super-hamsters with night-vision goggles and laser guns.
Posted by mill1991 at 5:04 PM

June 28, 2004

Behind back talking

I don't understand what the big deal is about talking behind people's backs. People pretend like they really hate to do it right before doing it. Here is an example sentence - in parentheses is the unspoken meaning.
Irritating person: I don't want (people to think I like) to talk about <friend name> behind her back (,although I do it all the time anyways), but she is a huge slut.

Here is that same sentence as I would utter it:
Me: I like to talk about people behind their backs, and <friend name> is a huge slut.

Yeah, we all know somebody like this. I just don't understand why talking about someone behind their back is so bad. The only other options are talking about them in front of their back, or to the sides. I don't think the latter option really makes any sense, which leaves only talking about someone in front of their back. Thats just dangerous. Who wants to do that? There is another term for talking about someone in front of their back - an intervention. I think it makes more sense to talk degradingly about them behind their back with cohorts for a decent amount of time (10-20 years), if only to work up enough evidence for an intervention.

There is another positive side to talking about people behind their backs. If a person blows off a commitment that other friends uphold, then the main topic of conversation among participating friends is required to be "How much of an a-hole our no-show friend is." Its an unwritten rule of friendship. Well, prior to this blog entry it was unwritten. I guess from now on it will be referred to as an "Until recently unwritten rule."

Posted by mill1991 at 9:07 PM

June 26, 2004

Low-carb beers

There have been quite a few beer ads over the past few months about which beers have less carbohydrates, which have more, and whether it matters. Miller Lite struck first, with an ad saying Miller Lite has less carbs than Coors Light or Bud Light. Then the other two struck back, claiming the carb content is low in all light beers. "You could work off the extra carbs making out with the drunken spinster at the end of the bar." Clearly, people at Bud and Coors aren't from Wisconsin. Bud Light is 6.6 grams per serving, Coors Light is 5 grams, and Miller Lite is 3.2 grams. Full chart here. Sure, 2 grams and 4 grams is not much to work off. But, who drinks one beer? In Wisconsin, once a person opens their first beer, he or she averages 15 servings before stopping. This leads to a carb total of 99 grams, 75 grams, and 43 grams, respectively. Now can you see what the big deal is? Miller Lite is clearly the best selection. Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to get fat and die? Oh, I'm sorry. By all means, drink the competitor's beer. Here is what the conversation would be like if beer bottles were women:

Miller Lite: Oh my god! I have so many carbs!
Coors Light: What? Are you kidding? Beer, you got no carbs!
Bud Light: Oh my god! I'm gonna cry! You two are so low in carbs, and I'm just a big fat carb monster wearing an ugly label.

Posted by mill1991 at 4:12 PM

June 23, 2004

Truck commercials

I think commercials for pick-up trucks are consciously made to pander to those with 8th grade educations. You always hear something like this: "Ford F-150 has more <truck attribute 1> than Chevy and more <truck attribute 2> than Dodge." The two attributes are always different, and they are always something like: Payload, towing ability, horsepower, asskickery, bitchin curves. Only a total moron could hear something like this and think that the featured truck is the best. They are pretty much admitting that their truck beats the others in only one category of comparison. What is even more painful is that all of the categories they have to choose from are practically useless. I've never come close to exceeding the payload on my Ford Taurus, what could possibly cause me to do so on a pickup truck? Unless, like in the commercials, giant cranes are dropping tons of dirt and gravel into the bed. Is that even what payload means? Does anybody know, who isn't wearing a flannel right now? Most trucks are being sold to soccer dads who need the pickup to bring home their wives' treadmills from Sears, or hicks who get rashes at the very thought of being less than 3 feet above the road while driving.

In a completely unrelated note, I like rollerblading by infants. Especially when they're right at the age where they're smart enough to recognize that I'm a person, but naive enough to think that I'm a person with wheels.

Posted by mill1991 at 6:29 AM

June 22, 2004

Golfing

When I play golf, I swing the club pretty damn hard. If I ever play with an older person, there is a virtual guarantee that at some time during the round, I will hear the expression, "Woah! Almost came out of your shoes on that one, young feller!" Okay, they don't always say young feller, but its at least implied. The funny part is, its always someone who has lost the capability to swing hard, and I think they are just jealous. Like, its an 80 year old man who needs to liberally apply Ben-Gay to his bony thighs in between every shot just to finish 9 holes. Or, its a fat guy who has to swing while he's moving because he has too much momentum going to bother taking a stance. The energy required for him to stop and start up again could only be generated by a campus full of squirrels on oversized hamster wheels hooked up to a generator.

I went golfing with Hines yesterday, and we were paired with two other young fellers. One of the guys, I swear, had never played before. Not only did he blow, but he did it really slowly. He walked like he was magnetically repelled from the green. I think he read the article in Golf Digest about taking your time and relaxing and he forgot to read the part about actually practicing occasionally and not swinging like a jackass. Also, there was one hole where both of these guys were talking on their cell phone at the same time, while I was hitting! And then they had the nerve to ask me to put my shirt back on! How am I supposed to get a tan with a shirt on? Damn.

Posted by mill1991 at 6:17 AM

June 21, 2004

Being Mexican

Man, I bet it must be really tough to be Mexican. I've had homemade tacos and nachos for dinner the last few days (with Boca meat substituted for hamburger), and my digestive system is hating me. So, do Mexicans' bodies just adapt and digest Mexican food normally, or do Mexican people just get used to the effects of their cuisine? I hope its not the latter, because that would mean some smelly casas. I bet the dogs don't get blamed for as much in Mexico, though. They get off scot free, even if it is their fault, because nobody can tell the difference. Or, maybe they get unfairly blamed for every single offensive smell. Whose idea was it to make refried beans anyways? What are refried beans? Is it possible to eat one refried bean? Americans eat way too much fried food, but Mexicans are frying their food twice! If you're on a diet in Mexico, and the waiter asks you if you want refried beans, do you politely ask for beans that have only been fried once? I know, Mexicans do not always eat the food that Americans refer to as "Mexican" food. Sometimes its worse! There is a place in Green Bay called Taco Burrito Mexico (I kid you not), run by Mexican immigrants, that has the greatest burritos mankind has ever produced. In fact, historians place them between the assembly line and the cotton gin for greatest ideas ever. But they are certainly not better for my digestive system than any American Mexican food I've eaten. Its pretty much just a doughy ball of sour cream, cheese, lettuce, and steak about the size of a forearm. Mmmm.... maybe its not that far of a drive from the Twin Cities to Green Bay...
Posted by mill1991 at 2:30 PM

June 18, 2004

Bird dies

In my_hatred_of_birds news, we have a vulture that died by diving into a van while stupidly trying to protect its nest. Further proof that birds are stupid and useless. I could start a whole website based on my dislike of birds. Some of you bird-likers and bird-lovers (if thats possible) might be thinking, "He only dislikes birds because he's afraid of them." Well, you're goddam right. I'm scared to death of birds. The bird in this article is so stupid it DIED by trying to attack a moving VAN. Think about what something that irrational could do to a human. Bikers in a race were also attacked, but luckily they were wearing helmets. If you're not afraid of birds, you're not paying attention. Incidentally, this happens near my parents house, which is close to a bunch of farms and general countryside. While running or biking on back roads, birds will follow you because you are near their nest. But, they will follow you for like a mile! How far away from a nest does one have to run before he or she is no longer a threat? Believe me, birds, if I was trying to get to your nest, I'd be eating omelets by now. Did you know that these same stupid birds, which will attack any moving object within a mile of their nest, cannot tell if another bird puts its eggs in the nest? The cuckoo does just that to other birds, and the other birds raise the baby cuckoo for it! Not only that, but when the cuckoo chick hatches, it pushes the other eggs out of the nest to have more resources to itself. Okay, so maybe the cuckoo bird is smart enough to justify not killing, but to hell with the rest of them.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:27 PM

June 17, 2004

Car Emissions

There was a good article in The Onion yesterday about hydrogen cars depleting the world's hydrogen supplies. This got me started thinking about how anything that generates energy needs some input and will generate some output. It seems to me that current energy producers just find the easiest way to generate energy, then have the inputs and outputs fall into place. It would be better to first determine the inputs and outputs based on what we as a society don't and do like, then figure out how to get the energy in the process. Now, let me throw a few ideas into the ring so you will think I'm not all talk (though I secretly am all talk).
  1. Input: Dirty diapers. Output: iPods.
  2. Input: Tyrannical dictators. Output: Puppies
  3. Input: Anti-matter. Output: Matter
  4. Input: American Eagle clothes. Output: Abercrombie and Fitch clothes
  5. Input: Pennies. Output: Flattened pennies with cool logos on them
  6. Input: Birds. Output: Dead birds.
  7. Input: Gender-specific definite articles in foreign languages. Output: Gender-neutral definite articles (like 'the')
There are many other possible combinations. The only work left is figuring out how turning dirty diapers into iPods produces energy. Scientists, get cracking! Cancer and AIDS will have to wait.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:02 AM

June 16, 2004

Upsets

Some people have said the Piston's beating the Lakers in the finals is the greatest upset in history. Personally, I think the greatest upset in history is me losing to Jared Schmidt and at least two others for "Most Attractive Male" in Preble High School's Class of 1999 senior survey. But I digress. I thought I could take some time here to look at other major upsets in world history.
  • Broncos over Packers, Superbowl 32 (Screw Roman Numerals!!!). Venue: Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego, CA. Date: January 1998. Story: As someone from Green Bay, this story is too painful to even recount. I'm going to need a minute to have a good cry. Modern implications: I cry myself to sleep every January 25th.
  • And finally, the biggest upset of all time: Satan over God. Venue: Garden of Eden. Date: ~4000 B.C. Story: In a major shocker with implications still being felt today, evil triumphed over good as God's "perfect" creation was subverted by a fricken snake. The Ominscient, Omnipotent, and Omni-everything deity of all judeo-christians everywhere created a perfect environment for humans to live with dominion over the earth. Unfortunately, a woman ruined it by being misled by the devil disguised as a snake (Note to women: talking animals are generally the devil in disguise). Modern implications: Well, one positive is that now we have knowledge of good and evil, courtesy of a vastly powerful apple. However, believers everywhere have the unfortunate downside of living in a non-paradise environment, as opposed to the paradise of Eden. Non-believers have it even worse, as we have to listen to believers complain about fairy-tales all the time.
Posted by mill1991 at 3:51 PM

June 15, 2004

Autobiography

Okay, maybe I'm the only person who does this, but I doubt it. Do you ever think about your life as if you are telling a story to an interviewer or writing an autobiography? Then, after like 8 seconds, I'm like, "Wow, thats really boring. I hope if anyone ever writes a biography about me, they borrow liberally from novels and the lives of interesting people. I can't believe what kind of pretentious jerk I must be to even have such ridiculous thoughts." But it doesn't end there. Then you start thinking about how that would be part of your biography, how you never thought your life was very interesting.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:48 AM

June 14, 2004

Energy plan follow-up

Since my last post, I have received many fictional queries about my money saving plan for the university. Here I will take the time to answer them.

1)What happens if the squirrels die of hunger or tiredness?
This is unfortunate from the point of view that now we have to purchase more energy. But, it does get rid of a squirrel. Also, in order to maximize usefullness, the pelts of all dying squirrels will be used to make giant blankets to cover buildings which are hardest to heat.

2)Isn't this plan somewhat cruel to squirrels?
I'm not sure if it is cruel, but I don't really care either way. I have no compassion for animals. Some people assume that I'm an animal lover because I don't eat meat, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't eat poison either, but that doesn't make me a poison lover.

3)How will we get the squirrels into the wheels?
Christ, do I need all the answers? I'm just an idea man, I'm not so good with details.

4)Hey Tim, couldn't we use <insert other animal> for energy?
Come on, thats the worst idea I've ever heard. Squirrels are the key.

5)Are you crazy?
I think its pretty clear that I am.

Posted by mill1991 at 9:26 AM

June 11, 2004

A Modest Proposal

I have a modest proposal for the university community to consider. In the next few years, it looks like the U will be facing serious financial difficulties as swashbucklin' Gov. Pawlenty slashes budgets like the smiley face guy cuts prices at Walmart. You may know Pawlenty best as the guy who makes you long for the days when a former professional wrestler was governor. Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure the budget for the next two years has an allotment of thirty cents for building repair. This budget problem is possibly the number one issue facing the university.

Let me switch gears for a second here (you'll see where I'm going if you hang in there). Now, one of the U's other major problems (number two if you ask me), is squirrel overpopulation. Let me give you some fictional statistics to back up my claim:

  • There are 1800 squirrels for every student on the Twin Cities campus
  • One-third of these squirrels commute from nearby suburbs (this doesn't relate to anything else, but its funny to picture squirrels coming in with lunch pails, punching in at 6 every morning)
  • Campus squirrels are scientifically proven to be the ugliest squirrels in existence. They're all lumpy from malnutrition, and they look like they got their fur trimmed at Great Clips (sorry, personal vendetta).
  • Campus squirrels are ridiculously aggressive due to overpopulation and underfeeding. Once, a squirrel stole my Nature Valley granola bar at knifepoint. While armed robbery is infrequent, pushing and shoving are quite common. On a scale of -8 to 2, an average squirrel is -4, while a campus squirrel is 1. For comparison's sake, the only known animals with an agressiveness level of 2 are hyenas and Chris Samp.
Feel free to leave any undocumented evidence in the comments section. Something must be done about this, or the squirrels will eventually be the dominant species on earth, and humans will be pushed down to number four. Squirrels get free reign on campus, and many even live here for free. But when I fall asleep in the hedges ONE TIME with a hooker I get the third degree.

Now, I haven't seen the University's utility bill, but my guess is that a fair amount of money is spent on electricity. Squirrels spend all day running around looking for nuts, most of their energy completely wasted on their own well being. I say, lets put that energy to use. Heres the idea: We drastically reduce our payment to energy companies by setting up a room full of "hamster wheels" which are connected to generators. Since they are for squirrels, they will need to be bigger than hamster wheels. We then use the generators to make the electricity for the entire campus! Think of it: 1800 * 60000 = A lot of squirrels on wheels. The beautiful part is, we don't feed the squirrels! They still have to find their own food, so no fuels get wasted! This is so brilliant I can barely contain myself. I would love to write more, but I'm so psyched I'm going to go build a squirrel wheel generator. Have a good weekend.

Posted by mill1991 at 6:34 AM

June 10, 2004

Vitamins

I said, 'I can't remember what I dream. Maybe I don't dream. I don't remember anything when I wake up.' - Vitamins , by Raymond Carver

Is it just me, or is it impossible to find vitamins for regular people? They have vitamins for every possible subgroup at the grocery store. Over 50, Menopausal, Female, children, latino midgets, all have their own bottles of vitamins. Yet there is no 'regular.' I'm not sure I fit into any of those groups. I ended up just getting children's chewables because they taste awesome and have cool shapes. Well, Flintstones brand has cool shapes. Of course, I buy generic, which is ostensibly shaped like something, but I'm not sure what. I think its maybe rocks? Shrubbery? Who knows? Speaking of vitamins, at the place I'm living this fall, the manager attempted to introduce as a perk the fact that there is a nutritional salesman who comes in to give talks about supplements. Wow! I bet he'll even let you buy them if you ask nicely. I hope there's also homeless people that wander around the facility that will let me fund their drug habit! Boy, that would be swell.

Posted by mill1991 at 9:19 AM

June 7, 2004

Blogs

I don't know how many people reading this read any blogs besides mine, but if you were thinking about trying it, I would say don't. The following (in no particular order) is a list of all the blogs in the world that are worth the time spent reading them.
  1. My blog
  2. Chris King's blog
In case you have not seen too many other blogs, and you are under the mistaken impression that all of them are as wonderful as the two above, here are some links to some representative samples of other blogs here at the U that really blow. I don't have any particular problem with the specific blogs below; I am not saying they suck more than average, just that they suck as much as most every other blog, which is to say a lot.

Pick one

Every other blog in the world is apparently written with the intention of being used as a torture mechanism to bore people to death. Here are a few guidelines I've come up with for those who are blogging who want your blog to be as devastating as possible, while reducing the total number of boredom related casualties.

  1. Never talk about what you had to eat. That is boring.
  2. Don't have any entries that are poems. Your poetry is uncreative and contrived.
  3. Don't talk about things that actually happen to you. If your life was really exciting, people would make websites about you, you wouldn't need to have your own website where you talk about all the boring things you do. Try this: If something mildly interesting ever occurs to you, then think of the most wildly hilarious fictional elements you could add to your account. Now, add a small, talking animal sidekick with attitude to spare.
  4. Blogs that repeatedly post stupid pictures from the internet that everybody has already seen 10 times are useless.
  5. Don't use your blog as a cry for help. Thats what razors are for.
Posted by mill1991 at 9:30 AM

June 5, 2004

Farmers

Farmers are really hard to please. If its a sunny season, everyone says, "Oh, this is no good for the farmers. They need more rain!" Then, this year it rains, and everyone says, "Oh goodness! How are the farmers to plant anything! There's far too much rain!" I say, farmers are always going to complain. Maybe its just part of the farmer mystique. Maybe farmers secretly wanted to become computer programmers but were lured into farming by the siren song of the almighty dollar. I think its about time farmers worried about me. Have you ever heard a farmer say, "Oh no, its raining again! Tim is never going to be able to rollerblade to work now! He'll have to walk over a mile without an umbrella!" And then when its sunny, "Heavens to betsy! Tim will never make it to work without a sunburn. That boy is way too fair-skinned." That brings up another point I'd like to make. "Fair-skinned" is really a stupid expression, in my opinion. Whenever there is an evaluation to be made on a survey, the last two options are inevitably fair and poor. Fair really just means "not quite poor." I refuse to have my complexion debased like that. From now on I demand to be called "awesome-skinned."
Posted by mill1991 at 9:38 AM

June 3, 2004

New system

Hello reader, as you can see there is a new system now. The other way works fine, and its fun for me to do the actual programming stuff, but this way makes it a lot easier for other people to leave comments, and to keep track of comments. On the old blog where I hacked the comments section together, I wasn't really comfortable with that for various reasons, one being I have no clue how to make it secure. Here, that part is out of my hands, so have at it. If you've gotten this far and are disappointed theres nothing funny in this post: Remember the Dave concert when that guy went crazy: "And if my day keeps going this way I just might break my folding chair tonight!" So, in conclusion, leave a lot of comments so I have something funny to read everyday.
Posted by mill1991 at 4:45 PM

Waffles

My roommate moved out about two weeks ago to live at home. Not too big of a deal, since I did not see too much of her anyways. The best part, as far as I can see, is that I don't have to smell waffles and syrup when I go downstairs in the morning. I'm not sure why I dislike waffles so much. People have told me that its probably because when I was 10 I was molested by my uncle, who is a waffle. But I think its because waffles taste like shit, especially with Eggo waffles (or the like) with sugar syrup that you find at grocery stores these days. I can think of things I like less than Eggo waffles with sugary syrup, but almost all of them involve eating feces.
Posted by mill1991 at 9:46 AM

June 2, 2004

Univision

I love Univision. They're really onto something with that tactic of putting attractive women in every role they have. There might be a baby, a nurse, a she-devil, a grizzled WWII veteran, and a bear cub in the same scene, and they'll all be played by Hispanic supermodels. Then there will be the token 5 foot tall Hispanic male with a handlebar mustache and some kind of blunt weapon threatening to hit all these attractive women unless one of them bends over to kiss him. Or maybe this is just a dream I had.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:29 AM