July 29, 2004

Hiatus

I will be camping for the next several days, so I will not be able to post. However, I have added a History of Sausage Fest page to this blog for anyone who is interested. The pictures aren't up yet, because they haven't been taken yet. Hopefully when I get back I can regale you with some hilarious camping hijinks. So, sorry for adding a boring administrative post. While I am gone, there will be a "Best of Broken Wing" for your amusement. You can access this by clicking on the archives on the right hand side and browsing them yourself. See you in hell!
Posted by mill1991 at 10:03 AM

July 28, 2004

Its fricken cold in here

One of the greatest inventions of all time is indoor temperature control (though not as good as sliced bread on wheels). But, as Jerry McGuire taught us in his role as Superman, "With great power comes great responsibility." Make no mistake, air conditioning is a great power. But that doesn't mean it should be applied willy-nilly at full blast at all possible times, i.e. on cold days. This may seem obvious to you, because I have the most intelligent audience on "The Internet". However, it is clearly not obvious to the sadists in charge of the cooling system of the EE/CS building (hereafter pronounced "the EEKS building").

I didn't think it was possible in the middle of summer for frost to form on the inside of windows, but now I know better. There was an eskimo family who worked in the building, but they've quit to move back to the Yukon Territory where "the temperature is a little more livable." Did you know that the Eskimo lanugage has 16 different ways to express the coldness in this building, and all of them revolve around ice forming on genitals? Undergraduates are found daily curled into the fetal position wrapped around the warmth of webservers. I have to put food in the fridge to warm it up before eating. Well, thats all the "its so cold" I have for today.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:00 AM

July 27, 2004

Too many beeps

I have a question for you: Does everything in my goddam house have to beep? Some things probably should beep, like carbon monoxide detectors, fire alarms, and sarcasm detectors. But lately, it seems like engineers are outfitting every single possible piece of material with annoying beepers. Stoves are the least bothersome, because its nice to know when the timer has run down and your food is almost done. But microwaves? Come on. The microwave makes so much noise while its running - you'll know its done when you can hear ambient noise again and your ears are ringing. This is about as useful as a beeper that lets you know when the jet engines on an airplane have shut off. Also, the timing is way off. It has those three beeps right when it finishes. Okay, I get that. Then it has these periodic beeps just in case you missed the first three while you were engrossed in The Lizzie McGuire Show in the other room. Those also make sense, but they need to be timed right for them to be useful at all. On our microwave, its like beep..beep..beep...beep! The fourth one waits like 2 seconds, then the next one waits like a minute. This is like an annoying woman who calls you a bunch of times in a row, then if you don't call back right away, stops calling completely for like a month, until you see her at Piggly Wiggly. I don't know anything about women, but I've heard there are women like this.

Finally, in the worst case of all, we have a beeping toaster. Let me repeat this in case you were skimming and failed to recognize the ridiculousness of the concept. We have a beeping toaster. We have a toaster that beeps. Just typing that sentence makes me want to throw up. íThe toaster already makes noise when its done! Its called the sound of a metal carriage throwing your toast into the air. This is at least as loud as the beeping. Also, I've been conditioned on that sound - even if I'm in the other room and the toaster isn't loud enough to register consciously, I'll start salivating. I'll be in the living room thinking "Wow that Lizzie McGuire movie actually looks pretty go... what the? Why am I drooling? Oh, toast is done!" What's really frustrating is that we have another toaster, without beeping capabilities, that otherwise works fine. But all my roommates use the beeping toaster, as if the ability to beep somehow makes the toast actually better. I have news for you: making a toaster beep costs a manufacturer approximately $0.80. It probably costed you $20. Wow, I had more rant in me than I thought on that subject.

Posted by mill1991 at 9:42 AM

July 24, 2004

Crazy weekend

We started the night at Chino Latino Bofino Mucktino's in uptown (okay we get it, you're very clever with naming stuff, and all your employees "Bangkok" t-shirts are hilarious). This is a really nice place, and you can tell this for sure because the prices on the menu only have dollar amount listed. No cents on this menu. As if anyone wealthy enough to eat there completely disregards anything less than whole dollars. But the surprising thing is the bathrooms. They have a trough instead of urinals. I thought maybe I took a wrong turn and ended up in the Metrodome bathroom, but no dice - I was in the right bathroom. To make it worse, their trough is approximately the width of three urinals, and there was already a dude on each side. Now, in case there are any female readers here, most men are uncomfortable in this situation if there ARE urinals, and private urinating zones. But with the trough, this is downright eery. So, I went to the first stall. Locked. All that's left is the gargantuan handicapped stall with gilded toilet seat and paper made of Egyptian cotton. So, I cut off this guy in a wheelchair and jumped into the stall. I figure, he already gets the best parking spots, does he think he never has to wait for a bathroom in his life just because he can't walk?

Next we went to Tonic. This was alright, nothing too good or bad. Ran into some old high school friends. But I'm still stuck in high school hierarchy mode so I told them to go do my homework and not to talk to me when people are watching. Okay, finally we went back to the launching point and hung out for a bit, then I started my journey home.

As I was walking home, there was a group of guys milling about on the sidewalk, sounding like they were talking one guy down. When I passed them, I heard one guy say, "Dude! Just go up to this guy [me] and clock him! Just go and jack this guy!" I'm thinking, what the fuck. So, just to turn the tables, I went up and jacked him. Usually I don't do stuff that stupid, or I do stuff that stupid when I'm surrounded with burly friends. In this case, though, I was alone, so it was fairly stupid. Okay I didn't really hit him. But I did yell something at them like "What the fuck? Why you hatin' on me?" (Seriously, I think I used the word "hatin'.") But they were impressed that I didn't just run away like a little bitch, so he didn't jack me.

Once I got home, I heard some my neighbors talking in the front porch like it was midday (mind you, it was like 4:30 am). So, I walked into the porch like I own the place and just sit down and start talking. And they were so nonchalant about it, like this is a regular occurrence. So I started talking with them, and found out that these are the type of guys who, when trying to give advice on dealing with women, tell you about ways to try and trick them. It should be mentioned that I don't mind getting unsolicited advice on women. When it comes to females, I am completely hapless. I have no hap. Hap is what I need. But I'm not looking for tricks (in either sense of the word).

Posted by mill1991 at 1:11 PM

July 23, 2004

Blind guy

As I was walking home from work last night, I saw a blind guy talking to a really beautiful girl on the sidewalk, and it sounded like they were just making introductions. I walked by without thinking too much of it. Then, as I approached the crosswalk, I noticed that the two of them were crossing the sidestreet, and the blind guy !pulled her hand to his and kissed it! Immediately some questions came into my head. For instance, "How is it possible that Jamal Reynolds failed his physical? He got injured like three years ago. Are his knee joints made of Play-Doh or some other gooey substance?" and "They couldn't get anything for him at all? They should've traded him and a square of Lambeau Field sod for $100 and some footballs."

But more apropos to the situation, I was wondering how a blind guy possibly hits the jackpot when finding people to walk him across the street. I can go all day without seeing an attractive female, and this guy just lucks out... or does he? There are a few competing theories on this. One is that with his other senses heightened, he is able to both smell and hear beauty. I don't know how this would be possible, but my senses aren't heightened, so how would I know? If anything, my senses are shrunk due to my $1000/week crack habit.

The second theory is that he's not really blind. This is my personal favorite. I know, you're thinking, "How can you accuse a blind guy of faking it?" Well, I'm telling you, he's not blind if he's faking it, so then its okay. Besides, I've tried this same trick myself. Except I don't own a dog, so I just strapped one of those harnesses on a squirrel from my backyard. Then, if someone asked me why I had a squirrel I just acted all surprised, like I just thought it was a small dog. And believe me, it works like a charm. Oh wait, charms don't work. It works a lot better than a charm.

Posted by mill1991 at 9:15 AM

July 22, 2004

Retarded

Anyone who watched any part of the NBA playoffs on television recently has heard the Black Eyed Peas singing "Let's Get It Started." What I didn't realize is that, on their album, this song is called "Let's Get Retarded." You may be thinking that I am hopelessly out of the loop, and I would tend to agree. I am out of any and all loops. I am so far out of the loop I don't even know how many loops there are.

Back to the Black Eyed Peas. If you have ever looked at the glossary which I have linked on the side, you will notice that Nathan and I proposed making the word "retarded" to mean "cool" several years ago. We had our detractors. They mocked us. They called us retarded (and not in the sense that we meant it when we said it). But our persistence has paid off, and now super-hip singing group Black Eyed Peas has taken our word and run with it. And let me say, it could not be any more satisfying.

In light of our recent success, Nathan and I have decided to make another word cool. There are a few recent proposals. Nathan has proposed "cottage cheese discharge" and "yeast infection." As in, "That fire that Urban built is so cottage cheese discharge." Or, "!That would be so yeast infection if we went to the strip club tonight!" I didn't mention this when talking to him, but we could also use the word "gay," which is sometimes used now to mean "bad," as in "That sweater is so gay." I've even heard gay people use it in this sense. But if our past history is any indication, we could flip the script, so to speak, and make gay mean good.
P1: "You guys want to play volleyball?"
P2: "That sounds gay!"
P1: "Dude? Volleyball is awesome."
P2: "Yeah I know it's so gay."

Hopefully, if this catches on, it will not be seen as a stigma to be gay, but young children everywhere will think being gay is cool, and will do it for fun. This would be great, because it eliminates some of my competition for a female mating partner, thus making my babies even more beautiful and intelligent.

Posted by mill1991 at 9:35 AM

July 20, 2004

Birds still suck

Apparently the wildfires out in California were caused by a bird. I'm not really surprised. Just wait until it comes out that birds were responsible for McCarthyism and also the Bolshevik Revolution.

In related news, one of the three readers of this blog sent in a personal experience that serves as a cautionary tale:

Yesterday I had a meeting before I cam into the office. When I got into the office my desk was covered with dirt and dust. The lady I share an office with told me how a bird had gotten into the ceiling tiles and then was flying around in the office before someone finally chased it out. I told her that if I would have been here that I would have screamed like a girl with that thing dive bombing me in the office. Needless to say I was happy I had a meeting before I cam in yesterday.
The lesson here is, don't come in to work early because that is when birds usually try to attack humans. Also, a fear of birds can induce so much fear that a person will repeatedly forget to type the 'e' at the end of the word "came." I hope I didn't just offend a third of my readership.

Update: The only good bird is a... (from the New York Times)

Posted by mill1991 at 11:36 AM

July 19, 2004

I Love Gay Men

Yesterday was my birthday, so I went out a few times this weekend to let loose, whereas usually I stay in to work on my knitting. Since most (read:All) of my guy friends are gay, they went to Gay 90's on Sunday night and I tagged along. It should be noted that while, yes, Gay 90's is a gay club, The Roaring 20's is not a lion club. One of my friends (whose name I will not mention) is "very friendly," and there is a common theme to what happens when I go to the gay club with him, which I will present now for your amusement in an ordered list.
  1. Walk into club one step behind friend.
  2. Present identification one step behind friend.
  3. Go into main area of club one step behind friend.
  4. Blink.
  5. Friend is nowhere to be seen.
  6. Look around for a few seconds before seeing friend making out with some random who looks like he's 16.
I hope that ordered list worked out okay for you. Anyways, Gay 90's is awesome on a Sunday night, even for a straight boy. Drinks there consist of near-toxic amounts of alcohol. I peeked behind the bar there, and they were using discarded Long Beach Iced Teas to strip paint off the back wall. If one were so inclined, one could probably save money by buying all of ones liquor at Gay 90's.

The other awesome part about Sunday night is how many females are there. There is a drawback to this however. It is like this: There are about 4 main groups of people at the 90's, which I will list now, in rough order of amount.

  1. Gay boys
  2. Lesbians
  3. Straight girls who came to the gay bar because they want to dance but without getting hit on relentlessly by stupid straight boys
  4. Stupid straight boys like me who will hit on these girls anyways
Therein lies the problem. Most of the women there either don't like boys, or "don't want to talk to straight boys tonight." But it was actually cool last night, because some of the girls were sort of with us, so they would talk to me and dance with me even though I'm straight, which seriously impairs my talking and dancing abilities.

One last thing. There is a time of the night, quizzically called "Fishbowl," where anybody can get up on stage and dance. The boys strip down to their underwear, but the girls can't really remove anything. Listen close, its about to get important. !Anybody in the crowd can come up and put money in these people's underwear like they're strippers! This is key. Some people do this just so that they can afford another glass of paint thinner ERRR... I mean mixed drink. There was one really hot girl up there, so I gave her a dollar (cause all my gay friends were giving away dollars up there). Afterwards, she came up and talked to me and gave me her number! That is what is so awesome about fishbowl. A) Put money in hot someones underwear. B) Hot someone knows you are attracted to them. C) Awkward approaches and tacky pick-up lines are a thing of the past. This was especially important at the time, because not 10 minutes before this I was shot down by a really hot lesbian at the bar. From now on, I'm only talking to girls who I've met by stuffing money in their underwear.

In conclusion, I had an awesome birthday, even though I'm rapidly approaching the oldest person alive title, and I basically feel like I have one foot in the grave. I really have to get to procreating pretty soon.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:53 AM

July 15, 2004

Emergency Update

Hey, this is in response to the comment received on the 'Potpourri' post. This made me think to check if the "Jared Schmidt Fan Club" site was still up. IT IS! AND IT IS LIKE A PRECIOUS ANTIQUE HANDED DOWN THROUGH THE CENTURIES! Go check it out! This really made my day that the site is still up. Thanks for the reminder Chris, you are the greatest.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:52 PM

Potpourri

  • I was flipping through the stations last night and "Wheel of Fortune" came on. I haven't seen that show in a while. Its changed. It used to be that the wheel had Bankrupt, Lose a Turn, Free Spin, and the Large Valued Sparkly Wedge (like $3500 or $5000). Now, to keep up with flashier competitor game shows, the wheel has gotten flashier. Now, approximately every other wedge on the wheel has some sort of special significance. I almost had a seizure watching this thing spin around. And, making so many of the wedges special makes them non-special. They should have just increased all the monetary amounts, like Jeopardy did. What "The Wheel" did is analagous to Jeopardy adding like 10 daily doubles to the game board. It would just be silly, because now its just a different game. Wow that was hysterical.
  • I don't know whose decision it was to make the newer "high definition" TV's, or whatever they're called, wider. If your going to increase one dimension, I would have made them taller. There is a lot of room above my T.V., but not much to the sides. Did they consider me when they made this decision? Okay, technically I don't even "own" a television, but I watch television on a TV that fits this description. Then movie screens could be tall, too. Can you imagine the excitement you'd feel when you get a full-height shot of Michael J. Fox? Um, I mean Tom Cruise? Um, I mean Sly Stallone? What the hell, are there any tall celebrities? Uh, okay, maybe Nicole Kidman.
  • I had a dream that I was back living in Renee Row with my old roommate Jared. In the dream, my current roommate Adam's alarm was going off quite loudly at 6:30. (This is a frequent waking life occurrence. In mid-winter, hibernating cartoon animals will knock on our door in the morning asking about the noise, and could we please stop it. The animals are generally wearing night-caps.) Coincidentally, Jared almost always had classes earlier than me, so often his alarm would wake me too, though it was not nearly as loud, frequent, or annoying as my current roommates. Anyways, back to the dream. Ahhh... its not that interesting. I just wanted to say something about the hibernating animals.
Posted by mill1991 at 2:25 PM

July 13, 2004

Caveman difficulties

One of the most annoying things in my world is my allergies. If unmedicated, I become a (even more) useless human being, although quite useful as a phlegm producer. But with drugs, I'm like Superman and Darkwing Duck rolled into one. This got me thinking: what would someone like me do before allergy medicine? Its hard to imagine, but I would probably be even less successful with women. They might just throw me in a bubble or something. But what if we take a ride in the way back machine, to caveman (sorry, caveperson) times? Then it starts becoming interesting. Well, hopefully it does.

I don't know how they treated a person with allergies back in caveperson days. They're no good to hunt with, what with all the random sneezing. We're constantly whining about how our eyes itch or our nose is running or the roof of our mouth itches. Given all that, I would suspect that a fair amount of pre-historic allergy sufferers were discovered dead early in the morning outside the cave with mysterious club-like indentations all over their bodies. I seriously don't know how people with allergies survived natural selection. I'm really starting to doubt the validity of evolutionary theory. What's the other theory? A benevolent god created us? And allergies? Yeah, thats believable.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:14 PM

July 12, 2004

Weekend Review

So I went tubing down the Apple River with some friends on Sunday. That was a lot of fun. One guy (I'll protect his anonymity) fell overboard when the faster current started, and when he re-emerged he was not wearing his swimming suit. An underwater branch had snagged it - luckily he was able to grab it before losing it, so he didn't have to ride back to the cities naked. I also was tossed by the current, my supple body dragging along the rocks for several meters before I emerged from the surf covered in bruises, with jagged rocks sticking out of every orifice on my body. I also became sunburned, but only on the part of my body that faces up when lying on a inner tube.

Golfing Monday night. Here is a sample dialogue after I totally pulled a shot into the woods:
Tim: How could I hit a ball with that lie and pull it and hook it? Am I just way too powerful?
Nate: Whatever makes you feel better about yourself.
Tim: I'm very optimistic. Even when I fuck up its because I'm awesome.
Our witty repartee makes the Gilmore Girls sound like doddering oafs. Just kidding Gilmore Girls are awesome. I'm so sorry Lorelai and Rory.

"Drive for show, putt for dough" is the stupidest aphorism I have ever heard. No one is offering me any "dough," show is all I've got. Screw practicing on the putting green with my $12 Fleet Farm flatstick, I'm headed to the driving range with my six foot long graphite shafted driver with a head the size of a burrito. A big burrito.

Posted by mill1991 at 8:45 PM

July 9, 2004

NASCAR Sponsors

I don't follow NASCAR at all, but since a large percentage of my family lives in rural Wisconsin, many of them do. We're talking regularly wearing hats and t-shirts emblazoned with drivers names, numbers, portraits, and sponsors. One of the funniest things about stock car racing in general is how many advertisements they put on these cars. Its like, you know what happens the first day they get a label maker at work? They label everything that day. The next day, the coffee maker has a "Coffee" label. The computer has a "computer" label. The cubicle of the guy who always comes in looking disheveled has a label reading "Crazy guy." I think something very similar happened to these stock cars.

Anyways, back to my family. I have nothing but sympathy for fans of Mark Martin. Imagine this scenario: You are a twenty-something Mark Martin fan, boldly wearing t-shirts bearing his likeness, and a hat with his number and main sponsor (Folgers) on it. Then, Mark Martin switches sponsors to Viagra. Now, you dutifully switch hats to one with a large Viagra logo on it. This happened to a cousin of mine. He is in his twenties and married, and he wears a Mark Martin Viagra hat everywhere. He's probably got 80-year-olds slapping him high-five everywhere he goes. I can't imagine the balls this takes.

So, I'm thinking, what kind of sponsorship change would it take for this guy to switch drivers? Is he extremely loyal, or is that the only hat in the world that fits him, and he needs a hat because he has a swastika tattoo on his head? Those are the only two possibilities I can think of. I can see if he still likes Mark Martin, but can't he root for a driver without wearing the baseball cap? If the Packers changed their name to the Ass Clowns, I would not wear a hat that read "Ass Clowns," but I would still cheer for them.

If I were a NASCAR driver with a loyal following, I would switch to the most repellant sponsor ever just for the joy of seeing my inbred fans blindly follow. First, I would pick something neutral, like instant coffee. Then, once I've won the fans over with my irresistible charisma and impeccable defensive driving, I'll switch to ACME Puppy Traps, which are giant metal traps with sharp teeth used to capture and kill puppies that wander onto my lawn. The logo would be a puppy caught in the snares, with blood and tears flying everywhere. This logo would appear on the hood of the car and on all the hats and t-shirts. The phrase "ACME Puppy Traps" would be spelled out in the splashing blood of the helpless pup. That is such a great idea.

Posted by mill1991 at 9:10 AM

July 8, 2004

Random thoughts

The past couple days there has been some kind of high school wrestling or basketball camp at the U so every morning I walk by dozens of high school boys on my way to work. I keep thinking, "Did I wake up in Hines' dream?"

The last couple days I feel like I have a tired soul... or maybe its my legs.

I think its ridiculous that we still have to get up to go to the bathroom. I mean, come on, its 2026.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:05 PM

Fashion

Okay, so this article is in defense of buying clothes at stores like Abercrombie or Gap. I don't take a lot of crap for this, but I know others do, like Samp and, in a different life, Urban. But I do shop at these stores, and I am not ashamed to admit it. The only way to explain this is to look at the alternatives.

I am not a very intelligent man when it comes to fashion sense. That is where these stores come in. They tell me what is in fashion, I wait until it is on clearance, and I buy it. Following this system, I am generally only a few months out of style. Without this system, I would probably look like this guy , supposedly representing the latest fashions in the New York Times. This look will be out of style in six seconds. Go ahead, take another look at it. I've been looking at it every 5 minutes just for a good laugh.

Without somebody giving me information on stylish clothes from head to toe, I would be forced to wade through piles of clothes at the thrift store trying to accumulate outfits that are "me." Well, I got news for you - you don't want to know what an outfit that is "me" looks like. It usually involves duct tape and computer accessories. Not to mention the fact that finding clothes at thrift stores is nearly impossible. I'll grab a few things that look good, and are astonishingly cheap. Then, I'll get home to try them on and realize that one of the shirts is actually hot pink in normal lighting, and the other one is made out of melted caramels. Seriously, I can't be the only person with this problem.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:45 AM

July 7, 2004

More 4th of July

I know many readers agree with me on my violently anti-bird stance. I've always thought this was a learned behavior, but now I have some evidence that it might be hereditary. Not that any genetic justification is necessary for disliking birds, but I digress. I was golfing with some relatives from my mom's side of the family, and I was getting really pissed at these birds that swoop all over the golf course, protecting their nest, about 2 inches off the ground. These things will come within a few inches of people, and sometimes you have to dodge them so that they don't fly into your leg and die. Not that I would mind the 'them dying' part, but their beaks are very sharp and they could put a hole in my pants, not to mention the bloody carcass smeared all over my khakis. I was literally thinking about the vitriol I could lob at them in this very space, when I looked over at my cousin and his dad. My cousin says, "You're not going to hit any, Dad." His dad is holding one of his clubs out the side of the cart as they're driving and swatting at these birds trying to hit them. And this was not just any uncle. This was my Godfather. Genetics has just taken its righteous place in the pantheon of bird-hating. I have never been so proud to be part of the Vogel family in my whole life.
Posted by mill1991 at 9:20 AM

July 5, 2004

4th of July

So, I went to Milwaukee and Green Bay this weekend to visit friends and family for the 4th of July holiday. A few people mentioned to me that I look skinnier than the last time they saw me. I've probably lost some weight since I stopped eating meat, but I didn't think it was noticeable. One person even used the word "gaunt" to describe my face. I described her face as "badly bruised" after she insulted me. However, since I'm very self-conscious about my appearance, I've taken note. I stopped at 6 different McDonald's on the way back to the Twin Cities and got Big Macs. Also, since it will take a while to gain the weight back, I'm going to wear a fat suit in the meantime. The model I've selected should make me appear about 400 pounds, which will give me the appearance of an average American.

I don't see what's so bad about being a little gaunt. It gets me one step closer to my goal of marrying the anorexic Olson sister (see last post). Also, with all the recent hoopla about so many young people and Americans in general being obese, I'm just doing my part to skew the average back towards healthy.

Its not really fair that women get to have such great anorexic role models in the entertainment world, while us men are stuck with the overweight sitcom star. I don't think Hollywood producers realize the negative self image they're giving impressionable young men. Women get Lara Flynn Boyle, Calista Flockhart, and Courtney Cox - healthy, physically fit females who can easily fit through door frames. Men get George Costanza, Kevin James (King of Queens), and Dennis Franz, three guys whose attractiveness score is a combined 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. The only skinny men allowed on television are on Queer Eye, which I find difficult to watch. I know its good for me to use 7 different skin creams before, during, and after showering. I'm just saying I also have to eat, work, and sleep during a typical day.

Posted by mill1991 at 9:50 PM

July 1, 2004

Summer goals

With July upon us, summer is in full force, so with that in mind I've taken some time to get down some summer goals. Since this is as good a place as any for that, here goes:
  • Decide for good where I want my sideburns to end (and STICK WITH IT!)
  • Talk to some females that I'm not related to
  • Win the case race AGAIN at Sausage Fest VI
  • Have one person think that I look older than I really am
  • Discover a magic potion that will enable me to become proficient on the guitar without practicing
  • Be less productive at work and more prolific in this blog
  • Eat a bunch of oysters to become the most sexually carniverous man on the planet. If only I knew someone who had access to a bunch of oysters. Like someone who worked on a deep-sea fishing boat in Massachusetts. Oh well.
  • Now that I have stopped eating animal products, stop eating plant products, too. I could be like that guy who eats bike chains and stuff, except I'd eat that shit all the time, not just when cameras are around. A typical meal would be like spare computer parts with a rainwater and gravel sauce.
  • Break 90 for 18 holes of golf; or, failing that, hit someone with a drive.
  • Run 10 miles everyday; become anorexic; meet Olson sister in rehab; get married and start making pretty babies

Feel free to add any goals of your own in the comments section.

Posted by mill1991 at 2:36 PM