Broken Wing

State comparison

I have been living in Minnesota for over a year now, after a lifetime of living in the Cheese State. For the most part it is very similar: bone chilling winter weather, Halloween pilgrammages to Madison, and an all-consuming hatred of the NFL team in the neighboring state. There are a few important differences, though, that I think I should point out for anyone considering making the move.

Drinking:
Minnesota: Liquor stores are not open on Sundays, so be sure to stock up on liquor Saturday night if you're planning on getting sloshed on the Sabbath. Hey, that would be a good band name: "Sloshed on the Sabbath."
Wisconsin: In Wisconsin you can buy liquor on a Sunday morning from a church fundraiser.

Baseball
Wisconsin: has a perpetually shitty baseball team with an amazing stadium.
Minnesota: has a perpetually contending baseball team with an amazingly shitty stadium.

Accents
Minnesota: People in Minnesota have ridiculous accents.
Wisconsin: People from Wisconsin have no discernible accent, and are generally considered to speak perfectly.

Visitors from another time

I have done it. I have found evidence that time travel is possible, and that it occurs. Recently, some overwhelming proof has fallen into my lap that there are time travelers among us coming from the past into our glittering future of flying cars and disembodied voices coming out of everything.

The evidence I am talking about is a woman in one of my classes. She is about my age, but she looks like was the second choice for the lead female role in Weird Science. If that reference slipped by you, she looks like a fully-clothed model from a Warrant video. If you're still 0 for 2, she looks like she walked into the salon and said, "Give me Kathy Ireland circa 1985."

Since I've discovered this one time traveler, it has dawned on me that there is someone like this in most classes I've taken. I don't know why all these 1980s decade hoppers are traveling to the year 2004 to take computer science classes, but I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Do they believe that 21st century technology will enable them to have bangs that are higher, stronger, poofier? Are they searching for new acid washing techniques? Do they simply want to learn which of the Cories has become a bigger megastar?

Election uncertainty

In the days leading up the election, the rhetoric is getting fierce and the speeches more intense. All the accusations and charges being flung back and forth can be tough to keep track of. Even more difficult is verifying the accuracy of all the claims being made. Websites like FactCheck.org and Spinsanity have biases towards a "fact-based reality", while ignoring subjective values that gods and demons may instill in us. With all these competing entities, who can we turn to with our political confusion? Look no further than Ashton Kutcher, star of such wonderful television fare as "That 70's Show" and "Punk'd."

That's right, Ashton Kutcher has finally broken his long silence and taken a position on the 2004 presidential election. He appeared at the Sports Pavilion on the University of Minnesota campus Tuesday for a rally with John Edwards. One reason for his appearance is an attempt by the Democratic party to win the hearts and minds of single young women and hopeful young gay men. Another reason is that Kutcher's speeches make John Edwards' seem chock full of substance by comparison. Also in attendance was Jeff Tweedy, lead singer of Wilco, who fortunately was able to make it through the whole rally without firing a band member or having to check into rehab.

So far, no word on who Topher Grace and Wilmer Valderrama are endorsing for president.

Daily Summary

The Minnesota Daily is possibly the most widely read children's newspaper in the world. Sometimes, though, you don't always have time to read all of it, and you settle for just the crossword. Have no fear! For I will summarize the letters to the editor for the day.

Letter 1 - Rage against conservatives by Jed Ipsen

Intro: "Being a conservative on campus, I’ve experienced a lot of persecution over the years. This last week, however, has probably been the worst."

Summary: Some liberals made vague hyperbolic verbal threats. Other people vandalized my car. These isolated incidents incriminate all liberals, especially John Kerry. My head is so far up my ass I can see my breakfast.

Letter 2 - Look beyond the veneer by Karen Carmody

Intro:

"I have a challenge for Gregg Knorn after reading his Monday opinion piece, “Exceptionalism a good thing, when you’re right.”

If Knorn truly wants to understand why many people in the world are part of the “hate-America crowd,” watch “The Panama Deception,” the 1993 Academy Award winner for best documentary feature."

Summary: I've seen one movie with one viewpoint on American foreign policy and now I'm an expert. If I were to watch Field of Dreams, I could manage a major league baseball team. I watched "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" and became a world class bluegrass musician. Basically, any movie that I see makes me infallible when discussing that topic.

Letter 3 - Helping the environment, economy by Jerry Hiniker

Intro: "Emily Kaiser’s Friday article, “Bike paths provide alternative transit” was interesting and timely."

Summary: Making biking easier for me will improve the environment and the economy. It will also cure AIDS, end terrorism, and be a solution to the war on drugs that both sides enjoy. In short, the addition of bike lanes and bike paths is the greatest thing that mankind can do to improve the world.

Ask Tim: Dating Advice

A reader writes:

Why are guys afraid to talk to girls they're attracted to? Do these women have some type of secret "dominance ray" that they use preemptively on potential mates? Is this an evolutionary adaptation designed to control population size? Or perhaps God is really a woman and this is some cruel feminist joke?

I think your ideas are all very sound, and scientific research will most likely prove all of them to be true eventually. In the meantime, however, I think I can provide some insight into how better to talk to females in order to get them to find you attractive. Keep in mind, however, that I am about as qualified to provide dating advice as Michael Jackson is to provide "not getting charged with molesting little boys" advice.

There are two simple cogs in any successful dating machine:

1. Confidence - Having confidence can make you appear attractive, even if you have a face that causes seizures.
2. Attractiveness - Actually being attractive can do wonders for your confidence.

There you have it, two basic rules. The sharp-eyed reader may have noticed that there seems to be no way to have either confidence or attractiveness without the other. You think you're so sharp-eyed. Get off your damn pedestal. Anyways, there is a way out of this vicious cycle. It's called faking.

Faking confidence is key to any successful endeavor, be it dating, fishing, or trying to become the first person to walk across Newfoundland on stilts. Most people are unable to tell the difference between fake confidence and the real deal. Then again, most people believe in ghosts and a Biblical creation. The lesson? Most people are morons. This should give you some actual confidence to work with.

Here comes the difficult part: women know about faking confidence and they have several tests they use to discern fakers from authentically confident men. One is "ignoring you" for what seems like the entire amount of time that you have known them. This is a classic confidence test, easily overcome by constant attention and talking to them, even if they appear disinterested or annoyed. Another test is known as the "telling you to 'piss off' and walking to the other side of the bar" test. This one is almost so well known that I would expect them to stop using it soon. Sometimes it is used in tandem with the "get my ex-boyfriend to kick your ass" test. The final test is the "file a restraining order" confidence test. This has been known to break down even the most resolute fakers, but it is important to remember that this is just a fancy government-sanctioned confidence test.

Through all these tests, you must continue to be strong in your fake confidence. Does this advice always work? Of course not. There are always going to be times when you "get arrested" or "get beaten to within inches of your life" by ex-boyfriends. No method is foolproof. This is simply the best known method.

Self conscious

"God I'm so fucking fat. I can barely see my fucking shoes. I hate my body."

Crazy protester

There was a guy on the street next to my bus stop with a giant sign reading "Stop Evil. Stop the liberal agenda." Or something to that effect. And he was arguing loudly with passersby. I don't think all conservatives are crazy, but this guy clearly was. I was pissed, because this is like the first day in several months that I didn't have my digital camera with me. I wanted to take a picture of him, then photoshop myself in with a similar sign reading "Support increased mental health spending."

Keys

I got a key today for the new lab space where I'll be working. This brings my total up to 6. Every time I get a new key I feel a little bit more important. When I was a little kid I used to admire how many keys my father had. I thought a guy must be really important to have access to that many locked areas. It turns out he was a janitor.

Getting dressed

I am getting really tired of dressing myself. It is absolutely amazing to me that everybody else in the world who has reached the age of 23 is still trying to wear something different every day. It is such a chore. I am seriously considering adopting a unitard which I will wear everyday, a la Star Trek. Don't get me wrong, I value clean clothes, which is why I would own several identical unitards and change everyday.

For the last 5-6 years, I have been selecting my own clothing and dressing myself, and to be honest, I'm sick of it. First, you have to keep a reasonable amount of clothing clean so it can be worn on short notice. Next, you have to make sure it does not have too many wrinkles. Then, you have to make sure you are wearing something appropriate to the wildly varying weather conditions in Minnesota. Finally, you have to have matching between the pants and the shirt.

Assuming you can do all this stuff well (and seriously, I cannot), there is still a kicker. You can't wear the same thing twice within a short time period. There is an entire branch of applied mathematics dedicated to studying this phenomenon. Early results are that the amount of time you must wait after wearing an "outfit" is directly proportional to the salience of that outfit. For instance, if you have a t-shirt with a really funny written message, e.g. "Stop reading my shirt", a time period of at least two weeks is required. For a shirt that doesn't attract as much attention, say with a school name on it, ten days should suffice. If you just wear white t-shirts, you can wear these everyday.

There is another complication, though. If you last wore an outfit on a certain day, say Monday, the next time you wear the outfit must be on a non-Monday, even if you're well past the waiting period. Some people only see you once a week. I call them Monday people. If you wear a shirt the first and third Monday of a given month, all your Monday people will be under the illusion that you wear that shirt all the time.

Seriously, this could be a thesis topic.

Ask Tim: A Modern M*A*S*H?

A very interesting question came to me recently:

I have a couple questions that I would like addressed by Tim. Recently the Fox affiliate in Milwaukee, Wis. stopped airing Seinfeld in the 6:30 time slot and replaced it with Malcolm in the Middle. Can anyone over 11 years of age rationalize this decision? Today when people of our generation flip through the channels and M*A*S*H is on we think, “who is the heck ever watched this show, and why was it so popular, this is a waste of perfectly good air space…” Has Seinfeld become our generation’s M*A*S*H?
Love,
Frankie Muniz

I think this is an excellent analogy. M*A*S*H was, by all accounts, a very well-written show which attracted dozens of viewers, yet I can't sit through more than 10 seconds of it. I don't know if it's because of the grainy video quality that could be easily exceeded today using a $50 camera phone, or the fact that a war-time emergency room has already been mined of all comedic value, or the theme song which was seemingly composed with the goal of making me want to hit myself in the head with a hammer.

Now, Seinfeld, there's a show I get. I too question the wisdom of replacing Seinfeld with Malcom in the Middle. The only possible justification, and I know I've discussed this with #1 DAD before, is that over our 4-5 years of college and handful of years since then, we've seen approximately 365 * 6 = 2190 episodes, assuming one a day. Since this show has been shown approximately six times a day, one a day is probably a low estimate. This means that you've probably seen each episode several times.

Meanwhile, I've not seen many Malcom in the Middle episodes at all. So, this seems like a marriage made in heaven. Unfortunately, the honeymoon is already over. There is a reason I have not seen many Malcolm in the Middle episodes. I don't like the show. It is hard enough dealing with actual women (though I assure you this is as much my fault as theirs). Trying to listen to the wildly exaggerated matriarch on that show is painful. She makes "Murphy Brown" seem endearing and sensitive by comparison. She makes Elaine Benes seem the epitome of reason.

So, change is inevitable, and usually bad. I dread the day when "The Simpsons" is taken from syndication and replaced by "8 Simple Rules." Come on, you know it's gonna happen.

"Cute" birds

Yesterday a colleague pulled me away from my desk with great urgency, saying there was something that was so cute I just had to see it. This brings up the first problem. As a 23 year old, ostensibly straight man, I cannot imagine a single thing that I would describe as "cute" in the sense that she meant it. As she neared the window, I got a sinking feeling in my gut. Just what could be so cute? She pointed to a puddle, with a little bird flapping around stupidly. She said, "Look at how hard he's trying to get a bath." I said, "I think it's just retarded. If it had any sense at all, it would drown itself as soon as it realized that it was a bird."

Later on she showed this to another male, who was similarly not impressed. She said something about men not appreciating things of that nature like women do. I explained that I just have a personal vendetta about birds, as well as a healthy phobia. This started some contention, as she explained herself as a bird lover. Long story short, we have agreed never to be in one another's company again. I cannot even comprehend how someone could utter the sentence "I love birds." To me, that seems as irrational as liking getting punched in the face.

Trophies

When I was growing up, the trend was just beginning where everybody who participated in a sport got a trophy. In piano competitions all I ever got was stickers and plaques, and I didn't suck at piano. But at soccer I completely blow! I only played one year - I went the whole year without scoring, then I had a breakaway in the last game, wide open, and for some insane reason I decided to kick it with my left foot, and I missed it by a decent margin. I still got a trophy.

Lets recap: I'm terrible at soccer (I missed a wide open shot), I'm not good at making soccer decisions (going with the left foot), and this is not a one-time occurrence (I sucked all year). Yet they still rewarded me with a trophy. What kind of message is this supposed to send? The only way I should've gotten a trophy is if I had promised never to play soccer again.

But it gets me thinking, the generation before ours had to be good to get a trophy. My generation got trophies just for participating. What's it going to be like for my children? If we continue the trend forward, they're going to get trophies for things they didn't even participate in! They'll come home from school with a karate trophy, and I'll say:

Me: "I didn't know you were in karate."
Son: "I'm not. They give us trophies for everything now. Hey -- how come you didn't ask me about the ballet trophy?"
Me: "Umm... I guess I didn't see it."
Son: "What do you mean you didn't see it? Its 6 feet tall! And its sitting on the fireplace! You know that I'm not in girl scouts, right?"
Me: "Look - I'd love to sit here all day and took about what I don't know about you, but in the meantime lets throw some of these trophies in the fireplace - I forgot to pay the heating bill again."
Son: "Right - forgot. Just like you 'forgot' to pay the phone bill and car payment last month."

Okay, so I guess in the future I turn into some kind of deadbeat. I have no explanation for that. I didn't ask for these powers!

Path obstructor

You know how sometimes when walking down the street you might be distracted and walking right towards somebody who's walking towards you on the same line? And then, as soon as you both notice, an effort is made by someone to get out of the way. Sometimes, though, someone will turn into your lane towards you. In this case, I expect the person who turned into my lane to go around me. But sometimes he just keeps coming towards me, until I veer out of the way at the last second. What happens when there are two people like this going towards each other? Do they just run into each other? Afterwards, onlookers are surprised, so both people try to explain themselves to the crowd like "Oh, I'm just stubborn." Stubborn walkers should have to identify themselves so that the courteous among us know to avoid them. Maybe they could wear an 'S' patch on their shoulders.

Packers game

I originally intended to keep track of stupid things that John Madden said during the Packer game on Monday night and mocking them, but I have decided not to for two reasons:

1. It is way too easy - I could delegate this to some of my proteges.
2. The Packers game was extremely painful to watch, so I missed some of it.

Instead, I have compiled a list of things that are less painful than watching the 2004 Packers.

• Jabbing myself in the eye repeatedly with my thumbs (this is what I actually did during the game).
• When you are rinsing your face in the shower and someone downstairs flushes the toilet, causing scalding hot water to rain down on your face.
• Remembering at 11:30 PM that you decided to wash your bedsheets tonight, but haven't put them in the dryer yet, and you have to stay up and wait until they are done.
• That dream you have every finals week that you've been signed up for a class all semester that you forgot about, and now you're going to fail it.
• Getting hit over the head by a shovel-wielding eskimo.
• Penis cancer.

Indian summer

A reader writes:

Tim -
I hear you are wise like the old indian man, well answer this one for me. Why do meterologist, heck, and everyone else for that fact, call the warm days in October, Indian Summer? What do the indians have to do with warm fall weather? I don't see the connection. Also, are their native american tribes out there protesting againt weathermen who use the terminology "Indian Summer"? Do they find it offensive?
Regards and enjoy your Indian Summer!

Tom Mahoney

Well, I would just like to say that I am honored that the illustrious Green Bay TV weatherman Tom Mahoney would visit my website to ask me about the weather. That's like Chris Samp asking me a qestion about being an awesome football player.

"Indian Summer" is an interesting expression, though. While some may find it offensive, it is much less offensive than some of the forms it has had in the past, such as "Redskin Summer" and, before that, "Brutal Savage Summer." Nonetheless, the more politically correct term "Native American Fall Warming Period" has been gaining traction.

As far as the origin of the term, that's another story. When Europeans first started colonizing the Americas, Native Americans (then mistakenly called Indians) were already here, living the good life. There were plenty of buffalo, and the marijuana practically grew itself. Life wasn't all buffalo steaks and mary jane, though. Those living in the upper midwest needed a way to tolerate the cold seasons. Towards the middle part of fall they would begin to do their "warm dances," in an attempt to change the weather. Back in the 1600's, these dances were quite effective, since the gods that the Native Americans worship are actually the real gods. The effectiveness of the dances surprised the Europeans, who for centuries had been foolishly making "coats" and "hats" to keep themselves warm. The Native Americans wisely cut out the middle man and just made the weather warmer. Thus, Europeans started to call it the "Indian summer." As the influx of white people continued, the white man's diseases were spread to Indian Shamans. These diseases attacked the ability of the Shamans to change weather patterns. Now, Native American dances are mainly ceremonial, although I have it on good authority that much of what is called "Global Warming" is actually the accumulated effects of the few remaining Indian Shamans. Also, Native American dances are responsible for Roe v. Wade and why magic carpets used to work.

Must be a full moon

Yesterday saw a few crazy headlines, including:
Motley Crue Guitarist Undergoes Hip-Replacement Surgery

A few things occur to me. First, at some point it might be prudent to stop referring to Mick Mars as "Motley Crue Guitarist." That would be like calling me "Cardinal Red Striker" in reference to my role on my 8-year-old SAY Soccer team. Motley Crue hasn't exactly been extremely prolific recently. "Former Motley Crue Guitarist" I could accept. Second, one of the members of one of the baddest ass heavy metal bands in history is having his hip replaced. I used to listen to Motley Crue, and I thought they were awesome. This makes me feel ridiculously old. It's only a matter of time before we see the headline "Hillary Duff has cancerous lump removed from breast."

The second crazy headline is:
Former NFL Kicker Sought In Shooting at Sigfried and Roy Home

Could the news be any more ridiculous? The only thing that would make this story more surreal is if the second line read "Pornstar Jenna Jameson witnesses the event while riding by on a unicycle."

Political qestions

With elections around the corner, everybody is thinking about politics. Since I consider myself a political know-it-all, I am going to be answering some political qestions. If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments section, otherwise I will keep making them up myself. Regular readers will note that this site is no good when it consists of my original material, so get crackin!

Everybody I know hates Bush and is voting for Kerry. How is this race even close? Who are these people voting for W?

I hear this qestion all the time on campus, and it's understandable, because informal sticker polls on campus have Kerry-Edwards winning with at least 90% of the sticker vote. The answer to this qestion requires one to think back a few years, before college. Remember how many stupid people you went to high school with? Well, they're still alive, and they're voting for George W. Bush. Combine that with the fact that some educated people are voting for W (the 10% I noted earlier), and there's your close race.

"There's going to be a raging kegger at my place after the hearing. You guys should come. Oh, don't tell Daschle."

Disruption follow-up

It seems like you're all rant with no ideas. What would you do to fix the disruption problem?

Well, this refers to the rant I had yesterday about people disrupting my learning experience. First, as a student, there is not much I can do. But perhaps someday I will be a teacher. In that case, I do have a solution.

Immediately before the first class meeting of the semester, I will go on a long run, followed by drinking three cups of coffee. The result of this is I will be sweaty, flushed red, and jittery. If I then add in a pained grimace and heavy breathing, this will make me seem like someone who is unstable and very close to breaking down perhaps. Then, I will walk in the classroom and drop my books on the lecture counter with a loud thud. The final move will be taking a silver revolver out of my bag and placing it gently on the counter. Surely by this point I will have the undivided attention of the class. Now I will say, "Everybody turn off your cellphones. I will not be saying that again this semester. If I hear a cellphone ring after I am in the classroom, I will come over to your seat and pistol whip you. If, god forbid, someone is to answer his or her phone before I get to your seat, rest assured you will be making a person-to-person connection with 9 millimeters of lead."

This may seem a bit extreme, but its important to understand one thing: I am not good at shooting guns. I have never shot a pistol in my life. The recoil from all guns I have shot sends me flying a few feet, due to weakness caused by my anorexia. So realistically, I will probably miss the first shot, and I will be unable to get off a second before I am restrained. You were probably worried for a little while there.

Weekend qestions

There are a few qestions that came up over the weekend:

1. What happens to the stuff on a white board when it is erased? Does the eraser need to be clapped out like a chalkboard eraser?

This is something I think about all the time. All those markings on the board over time, and yet the eraser never seems to be "full." This is the type of qestion that human beings will never be able to answer. The only possibility is that God is responsible.

2. Is it morally acceptable for a married woman to kiss a gay man?

It depends. Is she happily married? Is he happily gay? Does the husband of the woman kiss lesbians? You can see that there is no simple yes or no to this qestion.

3.What would you like to rant about?

I'm glad you asked. I would like to rant about people who disrupt my learning environment. This includes people whose cell phones ring during class. Okay, cell phones have been around a few years now, your grace period is over. At this point, forgetting to turn off your cell phone is grounds for immediate placement into "special" classes.

The second kind of interruption is people who walk in to class late. Most of the time it's not a big deal because they are quiet, class has just started, and they go to the back. But once in a while, every so often, that guy walks in fifteen minutes late, slams the door, and then walks through a completely full row in the front of the room to sit in the open seat directly in front of the lecturer, all while wearing a bright tie-dye t-shirt with swear words on it. This could not be more distracting. The whole time he's saying, "Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon. Excuse me." Oh, he said "excuse me." No, go ahead. If you say "excuse me" you have the right to make any kind of disruption you like. Want to play the trumpet during a lecture? Just say "excuse me." If you want to sit in the front row with your laptop open looking at pornographic images, it's fine as long as you say you're sorry in advance.

The final disruption is when people start packing all of their things together a few minutes before a lecture is done, so that they can get a head start in going to their next class. It boggles the mind even trying to consider how many sheets of looseleaf paper and notebooks it would take to create so much noise. Do I just have supersonic hearing? Am I Superman? Sometimes I wonder if I took a wrong turn and wandered into the Georgia-Pacific paper mill in Green Bay. Surely ream after ream of paper being thrown together in a paper mill could make that much noise. But notebooks in a classroom?

Unsettled (and unsettling) question

A reader writes:

I have a question[sic] for Tim that I don't think was ever settled--are girls disturbed if you are dancing with them and they can feel your bulge?
- Dick Frisky

Well, Nate...errr Mr. Frisky, that's an interesting qestion - indeed, a qestion as old as time. Unfortunately, it's entirely inappropriate, as this is a family website. In polite company, the issue you've mentioned is referred to as the "GTB Problem" for historical reasons which I won't get into.

As far as I'm aware, this is still an open question. Fortunately, there are currently several world-class researchers here at the University in the GTB Institute working on this very problem. Some say the issue could be solved easily simply by conducting a survey of a large number of women. Unfortunately, all of the researchers are men and they are afraid to ask women. So, they've resorted to deductive methods.

Most of this research consists of sociology PhD's going to downtown clubs and attempting to dance with women, and then gauging the responses. Again, here, the research has run into a wall. You see, these people are also afraid to ask women to dance with them. In addition, even if they somehow muster up the courage, academics tend to have extremely rigid dancing styles, and the dancing partners quit before any serious dancing takes place. If you can imagine an actual robot doing the robot dance, that is an approximation for what it looks like when academics dance.

In a related note, I wonder if, when robots become sentient, they will think that the robot dance is an unfair stereotype. It will start by robots inventing a dance where they move fluidly, and they'll call it "the person" to mock the way humans dance. Then there will be some kind of PR campaign to change the name of the robot. If this occurs, may I suggest "The Moronic Person," because that's what popular opinion is on people who seriously do the robot dance. Finally, in a fit of political correctness, there will be a push by humans to rename other dances, like "The Lawnmower," that robots never really had a problem with.