November 30, 2004

Half-jogger guy

Today's entry in people who annoy me: Half-jogger guy. You think you're so helpful. When I approach the crosswalk at Rainbow in my car, you'll try to make it look like you're really hurrying across. You'll pick up your feet a little higher, pump your arms in an exaggerated fashion while tilting your back slightly backwards, and turn your face to me in a pained expression to let me know you're really putting in quite an effort. Well, too bad, half-jogger guy, I'm not buying it, and nobody else is either.
Posted by mill1991 at 9:06 PM

November 29, 2004

Ask Tim: Haircut issues

A reader asks:
Dear Tim,
I read your [column about haircuts] with great interest. As it happens, I recently got a haircut, myself. But the barber took a little too much off. Does this mean Phase 1 will last longer for me?
Sincerely,

Bald in the Big City

This refers to the analysis I did on the haircutting time frame. Phase 1 refers to the "new haircut" phase. Sorry it took me so long to get to your question, but I have been in detox for the last 6 days. By now your problem probably no longer exists, but I'll solve it anyways as an exercise, and hopefully future haircut victims can use the advice to make themselves sexier than Jude Law. Wait, what am I saying? No one will ever be sexier than Jude Law.

At this point in the year, your barber's margin for error is quite a bit larger. You see, because of the cold, it is permissible to wear a hat during the winter. Judging from people I've seen so far, it is not just possible to wear them outdoors, but also indoors. Given the length of Minnesota winters, you can go six months out of the year without anyone seeing your actual hair.

All that's left is the other six months of the year. For these months, I recommend wearing baseball caps. Come to think of it, it is probably best to just keep your head shaved all year, and just wear hats. Unfortunately this is not possble for me, as no hat fits my head because it is the approximate size and shape of a giant pumpkin. And color.

Posted by mill1991 at 8:01 PM

November 26, 2004

Turkey Bowl III

While most people come home this weekend for Thanksgiving, that is just a side benefit for me. I went home this weekend for an entirely different celebration: Turkey Bowl III. Yes, that's right, it is the third annual celebration of bowling and drinking, held in Green Bay, WI, world leader in both bowling and drinking. Turkey Bowl is similar to Sausage Fest, except that at Turkey Bowl women are encouraged to attend. It is also similar to the ski trip, except Turkey Bowl is more cleverly named, and in recent years nobody has even gone skiing on the ski trip. It might as well be called the "Drinking at a lodge near a ski hill trip."

This year, a total of 16 teams competed at Riviera Lanes for the title of "Best Drunken Bowlers." There was some sadness this year, as the traditional team of Nate Joynt, myself, and Nate Hines (who is gay), had to be broken up as Hines (gay) has moved to California. In his stead we have the reliable Jared Schmidt, whose presence instantly makes us the best looking team, but probably doesn't do much for our bowling ability.

We had hoped to improve on our previous performances of 13th and 11th place, but it's not very likely. We did, however, win the costume contest for the third consecutive year. Unfortunately, no other teams ever enter or even know about the costume contest, so it usually isn't much of a contest. This year our costume was important 1980's businessmen, which entailed wearing suits that we purchased at the thrift store. I have some great pictures that I might try to get posted. Later on, we went downtown to hang out at some bars, and we kept our costumes on, easily making us the most classy people in the entire metro area.

Posted by mill1991 at 12:18 PM

November 25, 2004

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving will be my first since becoming a vegetarian. I don't have my hopes too high for this meal - we celebrate the holiday with family at a restaurant in rural Wisconsin, where there are relatively few Tofurkeys. If you tell someone there that you're a vegetarian, they'll think you caught it from sitting on a dirty toilet seat. It is entirely possible for reasonable people to eat for twenty straight minutes without touching a single non-meat food. There will be the standard turkey, some glazed ham, fried chicken, and possibly roast duck, smoked ribs, pheasant, smoked squirrel, fried ostrich, and moosemeat sandwiches. If during the course of dinner, new animal species are discovered, they will be slaughtered and fried up for my family to feast on. All this means that for dinner I will be eating dinner rolls, mashed potatoes, cole slaw and cranberry sauce.
Posted by mill1991 at 12:00 PM

November 24, 2004

I am so very thankful

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I have made a list of things that I am thankful for.
  • I am thankful that I am a man. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure being a woman has some advantages, but I'll take the ability to pee standing up and the relatively uncomplicated genitals, thank you very much.
  • I'm thankful that I am so amazingly handsome (at least, according to my mother and the ladies at her church).
  • I am thankful for the UThink blogging system, which allows my whining, ranting, and coarse sense of humor to be shared with anyone who bothers looking.
  • I am thankful that Turkey Bowl III is fast approaching, and I will get to spend one last day in a drunken haze before my social life is officially put on hold for a month.
  • Finally, I am thankful for the gods on Mount Olympus, who have clearly blessed the United States and my family, and hopefully our leaders will come to realize that our reverence for these gods and their ideals should be key to our nation's foreign policy.
Posted by mill1991 at 11:39 AM

November 23, 2004

Cell phone craziness

One of my many lovable quirks is that I am somewhat flaky when it comes to the location of my cell phone. I lose cellphones like Heisman Trophy candidate Chris Samp loses defensive backs. About two months ago I lost a Motorola that was especially dear to me. While it's battery only lasts about 42 seconds on a single charge, I liked it because it had a color screen and a datebook. It was like a combination cell phone/PDA. Compare this to the Nokia which replaced it, which had a black and white screen, and instead of a datebook it just came with a pad of post-it notes. It could best be described as a combination cell phone/paperweight.

So, imagine my delight when I got a call from the AT&T store at MOA saying someone had turned in my phone. Questions ran through my head: Why hadn't someone e-mailed me saying they had found it (I had my e-mail address written on the back in anticipation of losing it)? What had taken so long for it to be turned in? Would it have stickers on it from it's world travels, like a battered suitcase? When did I get all that hair on my feet?

I picked it up and had it activated immediately, starting the charging process as soon as I reached my car. It was touch and go for a few hours - I wasn't sure if the battery would even be able to charge, but it eventually made a full recovery. Now, I'm no longer embarrassed to use my cell phone in public and the soreness in my arm from lifting that old brick of a phone to my ear has subsided.

I'm already thinking of ways to expedite the process of getting my phone back for the next time I lose it. Maybe I could put my phone number on it, but that would confuse people when they called the number and the phone they found started to ring. My next option is to put a more enticing label on it, like "Reward if returned to owner." I don't want to pay anybody money, though, so I'd have to trick them. If they gave it back, I'd just say thanks and walk away. Then, if they ask for their reward, I'll act disgusted and say, "I was going to give you your reward if you hadn't said anything. But since you have shown yourself to be greedy, I'm going to donate your reward to charity." Except then I'd spend the money on crack.

The final option is to play the god card. I don't like to have to do this, but I needs my cellphone. This entails putting an entirely different label on the back. This label would read "This phone is owned by God. Please return it to Him or He will damn you to hell. And hell is not very nice." This would definitely result in me getting my phone back quickly. Most likely, the person will ask how God could lose a cellphone. I'll just say "I'm not one of those omnipotent gods. I'm more like the wacky, anthropomorphic greek gods who are always meddling in human affairs and fucking them up. But I could still damn you to hell. Especially if you ask me any more difficult questions."

Posted by mill1991 at 5:15 PM

November 22, 2004

Pusher with a degree

Going to the dentist is one of the most feared occurrences in my life. I'm never doing anything right. No matter what you say you are doing, it is never enough. If your dentist asks me how often I brush, I'll say "Twice a day, every day, no matter what," with a proud smile. He'll come back with "Hmm... you know, you should be brushing on your lunch hour. You do have sinks at work, yes? And then maybe once on the commute home. Yes, that would really help." So, anticipating his tactics, when he asks me how often I floss, I'll say "Umm... (here I'm thinking)... about 8 times a second." At this point he gets flustered and sticks his hands further in my mouth so that he won't understand what I'm saying from now on. Then he'll say, "Well, we're recommending now that people floss at least 15 times a second." It's just a game to these people. By the time I'm 40, I'll be brushing my teeth in between each breath and I'll be swooshing around Listerine that comes into my mouth in a constant stream from a straw coming out of one of those backpacks that mountain climbers have for water. Wow, that last sentence really had a lot of prepositions.

What is going on in the toothcare industry? I feel like a caveman with this technology. The only recent breakthroughs in this area are cosmetic (make your teeth so bright that passersby are blinded!). Other than that, I'm still just a short technological distance from moving a stick back and forth across my teeth. There has to have been inventions that make toothcare easier, but I bet they are being held down by the giants in the toothbrush industry. I bet there is a pill you could take once, when you are an infant, and never have to worry about your teeth. But dentists and toothbrush manufacturers are worried about their precious jobs.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:58 AM

November 19, 2004

How am I not the biggest pimp in the world?

If you are like me, you probably have trouble coming up with solid answers to difficult questions from females. Come to think of it, I'm not even that good at answering simple questions, since I sometimes answer "What's up?" with "Good," and sometimes I reply to "How are you doing" with "Aaahhhh!" and wetting my pants. Women have a lot of magazines purporting to tell them how to satisfy their man. Men do not have this kind of resource. Sure, there may be some advice in the printed section of "adult" magazines for men, but those sections get touched about as much as the "Hers" towel in my bathroom. In the remainder of this entry, I will be examining some of the more difficult questions that women may ask. It is best to memorize these question-answer pairs and just recite the answer if the question ever comes up - trying to come up with spontaneous answers to these questions is only slightly less dangerous than attempting to disarm a nuclear weapon or reading in dim lighting. Though me giving advice for dealing with women may seem a bit like John Kerry giving advice on brevity, bear with me.

Questions:

Should I eat this ice cream?
Desired: You could eat whatever you wanted and never gain any weight. Whatever shape your body is in automatically becomes our culture's standard for beauty.
Try not to say: Sure. At this point, what's a few more pounds going to do?
Try this: I'm a cancer researcher and I just discovered that ice cream causes cancer in you and all of your family members. Maybe you should have carrots instead.

If you could change something about my face what would it be?
Desired: The perfection of your face is an airtight proof that god exists, and that you are her.
Try not to say: It would be in my crotch more.
Try this: The only thing I would change is that I would get to see it more.

Doesn't that girl look like a slut?
Desired: Oh my god, yes. I can't believe people still think you have to dress like that to be attractive. You'd be more attractive than her even if you were wearing a mumu and orthotic shoes.
Try not to say: Yes, but you say that like it's a bad thing.
Try this: What? Oh, I didn't see her. I was just thinking about something intellectually stimulating you said before.

Do you think I'm smart?
Desired: I'm sorry, could you use smaller words please? Your super intelligent vocabulary confuses me.
Try not to say: Let's just say if beauty was a section on the SATs, you might have cracked 1000. But no, you're not smart.
Try this: You're as smart as you are beautiful. (Caution! Do not try this if your significant other knows that she is extremely ugly.)

Posted by mill1991 at 3:20 PM

November 18, 2004

Just numbers, please

I don't mean to sound like a Stiffly Stifferson, but the menu at Erbert's and Gerbert's could not be more inane. All I want to do is order a sandwich and I have to spend five minutes reading the entire menu to see which sub is which because all the subs have wacky names like "Henry Catapult Boonswaggle" and "Apostrophe Harpoon Cartoon" that don't tell you anything about them. Is anyone over the age of six amused by these names?
Posted by mill1991 at 1:19 PM

November 17, 2004

Confusing lyrics

One of the biggest trends in the modern world is "hip-hop music." It is bigger than the pet rock, but not quite as big as eating. For people who aren't familiar with rap, it is a person talking with a rhythm over a "beat," which as far as I can tell is a single measure of music and drums, repeated over and over ad nauseum through the whole course of the song. These songs can be very difficult to understand. As the whitest man alive, I often struggle to make sense of lyrics, and sometimes even what the actual words are. Through this struggle, though, I have become a better person. In an effort to have others share the same breakthrough, I will interpret some of the most confusing lyrics in modern hit songs.
  • Song: "Sunshine" by Lil' Flip "featuring" Lea
    Confusing lyric: "I'll treat you like milk and spoil ya."
    Meaning: What this means is that Lil' Flip is lactose intolerant. Because of this, he can't drink any of his milk and it always spoils. He is similarly intolerant of "bitches" (Sorry ladies, but in hip-hop that is a technical term). This may seem a roundabout way to express himself, but can you imagine how few records he would sell if that lyric was changed to "I can't eat dairy because it makes me really gassy?" You may be wondering why Lil' Flip bothers buying milk at all if he is lactose intolerant. Well, he is a relatively green rapper. A more experienced rapper would start buying soy milk and then rap "I'll treat you like milk and leave you on the shelf."
  • Song: "21 questions" by 50 Cent
    Confusing lyric: "I love you like a fat kid love cake."
    Meaning: Fat kids become fat because they eat waaaay too much cake, as well as potato chips and bacon pie. This is clearly a cry for help from 50 Cent, as he thinks his current relationship is dysfunctional. If it was a good relationship, he would have said, "I love you like a priest doesn't love molesting altar boys." The point is that fat kids are hurt by their love for cake, but it is healthy for priests to not molest others.
  • Song: "Public Service Announcement" by Jay-Z
    Confusing lyric: "Shoot at you actors like movie directors."
    Meaning: A lot of people have misinterpreted this lyric as being about gun violence. To do this is to drastically underestimate the subtlety and thought that goes into rap lyrics. You know how when you were that age where you are between being a baby and a small child? You wanted the freedom that comes with not being a baby, but you still wanted the benefits of being a baby, like constant attention and the bottomless cup of milk that was your mother's teat. At some point in this transition, you probably did something immature and one of your parents inevitably said, "You want to act like a baby, I'll treat you like one." Then they put you in you back in your baby crib, put diapers on you, put a pacifier in your mouth, made you eat baby food, then took pictures of all this and hung them up in your high school. This is sort of what Jay-Z is doing here. He's saying, "Fine, you want to be an actor, I'll treat you like an actor. I'll film you using expensive cameras and one of those phallic microphones and I'll make you say the same thing over and over and then when we're done I'll edit it down to two hours and show it on a big screen. Is that what you want, actor?" Since he is a professional writer, he was able to do it much more concisely than I did.
Posted by mill1991 at 9:50 PM

November 16, 2004

Ask Tim: Travis Diener's pro prospects

I received the following question about amazing Marquette University basket-baller Travis Diener:
Will Travis Diener be playing in the NBA? I hear the Cavs are trading LeBron James to move up in the draft to pick him.

FREEWAY

Well, first of all, I'd like to thank Freeway for taking time out of his busy schedule as an Aldi's rep to ask this question. Certainly, Diener is one of the most coveted players in this year's senior class. Unfortunately, that is because all the other good players have already gone pro. With that said, Cleveland would still be silly not to bundle Lebron James and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in a trade for whoever has the top pick in the next NBA draft. This is probably the only player/hall of fame combination lucrative enough to make a team holding the #1 pick pull the trigger. Maybe a Brett Favre/Packer Hall of Fame package could do it, but that is another sport, so it's really just silly.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:38 AM

November 15, 2004

Babies are overrated

People are always talking about how great babies are. They look cute, they make cute noises, they're innocent, etc. Well, there must be some kind of international baby conspiracy because no one ever talks about the bad things. For instance, I learned last night that babies are really bad at paying attention during a choir concert. Last week I found out that babies are also really bad at listening to a lecture at the computer science colloquium.

I can totally understand the rationale for bringing a baby to these places - "Oh, little Elroy will love sitting still for two hours to hear this chamber music." Or "I bet our one month old son would really appreciate listening to Dr. Bekey talk about the robot revolution that is about to occur. Usually, he makes a lot of gurgling noises and breaks into spontaneous crying, but I bet during this lecture in a room full of quiet people he'll just fall in line."

The moral of this sarcasm is to keep your damn baby away from me when I'm trying to listen to things. I like babies as much as the next guy, but, like an ugly girlfriend, there are limits to where you can take them. The only thing babies do better than me is drool, and even then it's pretty close.

Posted by mill1991 at 9:55 PM

November 12, 2004

Haircut time frame

I believe the idea of the haircut cycle has been well established elsewhere, but I will repeat it here for clarity. First, there is the "new haircut" phase. This starts the instant you leave the salon (or back alley in my case), and lasts up to a week. You will know when this phase is over because people will stop sympathetically asking "Oh, did you just get a haircut?" The next phase is where you can look in the mirror and say, "That's a pretty good haircut." This assumes, of course, that you spent more than $15 on your haircut. Thus, I have never achieved this stage. The best thing I hope to say at this stage is "Well, the sideburns are somewhat even, and, well, at least I'm not bald." For men, this stage is fairly short, say a few weeks. For women, this stage can last several months. The final stage is the "God I need a haircut stage." Depending on how busy and broke I am, this stage can last between a week and a decade.

The unfortunate upshot of all this is that this cycle has two back-to-back bad periods - the "new haircut" phase directly follows the "need a haircut" phase. So, being an engineer, I look for ways to minimize this. The obvious method is to get a haircut as soon as possible into the "need a haircut" phase. But, as I mentioned earlier, I don't like spending the time or money to get my haircut that often (my hair grows fast enough to be easily noticed by passersby).

So, there is a better solution, but it needs a more complex model. Instead of maximizing the number of days with a good haircut, we want to maximize the amount of utility your haircut provides you. For example, having a great haircut day if you're in meetings all day is not very useful - you're wasting the prime of your haircut. On the other hand, having a great haircut day on singles night at the bowling alley may be worth a week of bad haircut days in Duluth. For the mathematically inclined, the new function we want to maximize is approximately the number of days times the utility per day. This new optimization scheme requires some flexibility with your schedule. There are two parts of the plan:

  1. Get a haircut about a week before a major planned social event - This way, you will be just out of the awkward "new haircut" period and into the prime of your haircut when your event rolls around.
  2. Plan social events around your haircuts - As soon as you step off the barber chair, whip out your cellphone and start filling up next weekend's schedule. This way, you make sure that the days when you have a good haircut are filled with reasons to have it.
Posted by mill1991 at 3:26 PM

November 11, 2004

Take your time

Today's entry in people that annoy me: Preemies. What's the fucking rush?
Posted by mill1991 at 8:46 AM

November 10, 2004

Justin Guarini you are NOT

This is the first entry in what I hope will be a very prolific category: People that annoy me.

Men who have hairstyles like Justin Guarini from season one of American Idol really annoy me. You see, before Justin came along, nobody really wore this haircut, with one exception: my friend Novo. This haircut, called the Caucafro (well, for Justin it might be a Mulafro), is not easy to pull off. Yet Novo did it with a pizzazz and flair that only he could muster.

Now, every fourth frat boy is trying to pull off a caucafro, and frankly, it looks stupid. People underestimate the amount of care that goes into this haircut, as well as the largeness of the personality required. It seems people think that wearing this hairstyle will make them cool. Unfortunately, it works the other way around. You must be the very epitome of charisma in order for it to have a chance. I can understand the confusion: seeing cool people wear the haircut, one might be tempted to think that the haircut caused the coolness, but that is simply backwards.

Posted by mill1991 at 6:07 PM

November 9, 2004

My slow descent into alcoholism

Yesterday I participated in this conversation fragment:
Girl (sarcastically): Thanks for not calling me this weekend.
Me (incredulous): What? You told me not to call you if I was drunk, and I was drunk all weekend.

I think its clear from this exchange that I am slowly becoming Homer Simpson. What is most amazing is how little I was exaggerating the facts. This past weekend was crazy because I had five high school friends visiting from Milwaukee to go to the Winona State football game, because another one of our high school friends plays for them. They got in at 9:00 on Friday night and basically started downing shots as soon as they crossed the threshold in my apartment. We went downtown to party and returned at about 3:00 A.M. At that point we learned a very valuable lesson: There is such a thing as "too drunk for a hot tub." Prior to this, it was thought that hot tub enjoyment only increased with drunkenness, but it turns out that there is a point where enjoyment begins to decrease. I am currently writing up an article on this which I will submit to Nature.

The next day we got up at 10:00 and went down to the Metrodome for the game. We started tailgating at around 11:00 or 11:30. Since we are all originally from Green Bay, you would think we are all world-class tailgating experts. However, our tailgating consisted only of bloody marys and beer. I had one bloody mary and that doubled my vegetable intake for the entire previous week. So Saturday we basically drank from 11 AM to the next morning when bars close.

By 7:00 PM we were exhausted. I'm pretty sure I slept through dinner, though that didn't stop me from eating. From that point on, everything we ordered, we demanded they add Red Bull to. By 9:00 the city's entire supply of energy drinks was depleted. We took turns as "hitters" to keep each other up - one person is designated to punch any of the others that start closing their eyes. After dinner we wanted to go to Brothers. Unfortunately, they would not let us in because Joynt was wearing a Winona State jersey. According to the bouncer, Winona State jerseys are a leading cause of gang violence, ever since the escalation in popularity of Chris Samp caused by a certain website. So, we went elsewhere.

Around 12:30 AM, we decided that we were all just too damn tired, and, combined, we had spent almost as much as Critser does on an average night out. We decided to skip the hot tub because we didn't want our parents to have to read the headline "Drunken revelers drown in nursing home hot tub."

Posted by mill1991 at 3:23 PM

November 8, 2004

Crabby asshole

Okay I'm sick so I'm about to launch some crabby. There is a guy in one of my classes, and I have deduced every thought that is running through his head at all times. It is: "I love tucking in my shirt. It's my favorite thing." For some reason it really bothers me that his shirt is so neatly tucked in. If he were doing the pre-date interview for Blind Date, and they asked him what he liked to do, he would say "I like to tuck in my shirt." The quality of the tuck is so great that there is no other conclusion to draw besides that tucking in his shirt is the highest priority in his life. If he were captured by an evil villain who wanted to kill him in a complicated fashion, the perfect trap would be one which requires him to untuck his shirt in order to gain access to oxygen. It would be fun to watch, but unfortunately I already know the conclusion: He would suffocate to death before he would dare untuck his precious shirt.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:55 AM

November 5, 2004

This may be extremely offensive

Today in my neuroscience class we were talking about Huntington's Disease, a terrible genetic disorder where inhibition (the brakes) to the motor system is cut off, so a person with the disease makes uncontrollable spastic muscle movements. We saw a video, and I couldn't help but have the following thoughts:
  • It kind of looks like she's doing the robot.
  • If I had Huntington's Disease, I would just always carry a boombox around with me and tell people I was dancing.
  • If I had Huntington's Disease, it would take a long time to diagnose, because people would just thing my dancing had improved.

One word which doesn't make sense to me is the verb "preying," as in "The lion preyed on the gazelle," or "The 23-year old graduate student preys on nubile young undergrads." Shouldn't that word be "predators?" Lions predator on gazelles. Well, I'm going to start using it.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:25 AM

November 4, 2004

Movie cops

I have a simple lesson for movie cops in the suspense thriller serial killer genre. At some point near the end of the movie, you are going to realize that one of the victims is still alive and you will try to find him. He is going to be either tied up and gagged or so brutally injured that he will be unable to speak, but will be making loud murmurs. Pay attention!

When you come upon this final victim, do not let your guard down. You will be tempted to lower your gun, maybe even holster it. Then, you will race over to the victim, ignoring everything else in the room, going explicitly against your years of training and experience which teach you to always be on guard. Perhaps your bulletproof vest is chafing you and you would like to remove it so that you can make easier movements. I have never seen this done, but it would not surprise me.

The point, movie cops, is that the murmuring is occurring for a reason. The killer is lurking in the shadows (it's always dark) with a crow bar or a civil war era pistol or a board with a nail in it. So, even though you will inevitably win the ensuing fight with the suddenly inept mass murderer, you should save all of us some of our lives by just paying attention and killing him immediately. In fact, it might not be a bad idea to do some of your policework in tandem with another police officer, called a "partner." That way, one of you can untie the victim while the other one stays on guard.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:59 AM

November 3, 2004

Affirmative action

Over the years, affirmative action has been a contentious policy in the United States. On the whole, I think it has been a good policy - it attempts to right some wrongs that occurred against minorities in the past, and it creates some new wrongs against majorities in the present that satiate my apetite for sweet poetic justice. With all these benefits, it's not hard to see why affirmative action has stuck around for a while. But this time we've taken it to far.

For the second election in a row, Americans have elected a mentally challenged man to the highest office in the land. I can agree with you that, in the past, people of questionable mental capability have been under-represented on the presidential ballot. I'm just saying, maybe this is a good thing. You see, "president" is a very difficult job. Maybe Bush was a wild success as the guy who collects the shopping carts in the Rainbow Foods parking lot on Sunday mornings, and maybe he was a huge hit as the guy who passes out all the free breadsticks at Fazoli's, but this is a whole new ballgame.

It is clear that even if Bush was at one point intelligent and articulate, he is nowhere near that now. For his second term, I heard he was creating a new cabinet post for "Secretary of Wiping the Drool off my Face." I know, I know, if there's anything we've learned from There's Something about Mary, it's that watching mentally challenged people speak can be entertaining. But couldn't we just have Kerry be president, and then have him agree to appoint Bush as "Secretary of Slapstick" or "Secretary of Malapropisms?"

Posted by mill1991 at 10:40 AM

November 2, 2004

Voting is for chumps

Here is a list of people who have told me to vote:
  • P. Diddy
  • MTV
  • Minnesota Steelworkers Union
  • The Minnesota Daily
  • President Bruininks
  • CASH
  • The TV in my CSCI5481 class
  • scunci
  • MoveOn.org
  • ALF (the TV alien, not the terrorist group)

Well, that's all I can remember of the top of my head, but that's probably only about 10% of the total. I've said it before, voting is really not that important. If you don't want to do it, but you've been scared by the "every vote counts" folks, find a friend who's voting for the opposite candidate and agree to stay home.

Of course, there's a danger that your friend might try to cheat and sneak out to vote anyways. There is a simple solution for this: handcuffs. Handcuff your friend to his radiator, or if he doesn't have a radiator, chain him to a tree and tell the neighbors that he has rabies. Then, you can go vote, and your candidate will get a boost. Finally, do this with a hundred friends. This way, the person you like will get a hundred vote boost.

I was a little disappointed when I looked at the ballot this morning and didn't see the race between Patty Wetterling and Mark Kennedy. This campaign has been hilarious to watch because the commercials are ridiculous. Here is what I've learned from Kennedy's commercials. If he wins, he will strap on a machine gun and go kill all "the terrorists" himself. If Wetterling wins, she will spend most of her time baking cookies and cakes to give to "the terrorists," whom she will invite into our country to enjoy her delicious baked goods. Wetterling's ads basically say "Mark Kennedy is a liar. Okay, so I do like baking."

Posted by mill1991 at 10:12 AM

November 1, 2004

Yard signs

Okay, these yard signs are starting to get ridiculous. George W. Bush and John Kerry both have signs that have no colors besides red, white and blue. Okay, we get it. You both are very patriotic, and you have the colors on your yard signs to prove it. Don't you think having to choose from only three colors is creatively stifling though? I can just imagine, if Kerry had put another color, say green, on his signs.

(At the debate)
Bush: My opponent, well, he likes to say he loves America, but his signs, well, green isn't one of the, you know, the colors are red, white and blue.

(Meanwhile, if Bush had a touch of orange on his signs)
Kerry: The president would like you to believe that he has America's interests in mind. What he won't tell you is that Halliburton received a no-bid contract to make his yard signs, and they painted them orange because that color has the highest profit margins.

Anyways, it has been suggested to me before that I run for state senate. That would be a good starting point to a solid political career, but unfortunately there are pictures of me that preclude me ever running for any public office above sanitation director. If I ever did gain prominence in some law making body, I would enact laws that require political candidates to use at least two colors that are not in the set of red, white, and blue. Some may see this as limiting free expression, but I see it as enforcing creativity.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:45 AM