December 31, 2004

Sexuality at MOA

At the Mall of America, there is a subtext of sexuality that can be hard to consciously notice. Those with a nose for subtlety, however, find themselves balls deep in a sea of sexual innuendo and metaphor. For those without this keen sense, however, a barrage of unconscious stimulation may be occurring. Let me highlight the ways:

  • Sox Appeal
  • This is a store name which is dangerously close to the phrase "Sex Appeal." I wasn't sure what exactly "sox" were at first, but I figured it was just a misspelling of "socks." It turns out, in fact, that sox is another word for bottle openers.
  • The Rack
  • This is the name for a store which sells various clothing. However, rack is also a slacker shorthand for female breasts. I could see if maybe they sold ties, and called it "The Tie Rack." But no, they figured if they opened a store named after a sought-after part of the female anatomy, people would clamor to buy whatever random crap they sell. Well, I'll have contempt in my heart every time I wear this teddy bear sweater.
  • The International Touch
  • This is a store which claims to be selling... I don't know. Honestly, my desire for foreign women was so heightened by the mere sight of this store name, I thought it best to steer clear. I think it's safe to say that this is probably a front for some kind of foreign-run prostitution scheme.
  • Gap
  • I don't think I even need to say what this store name represents. It's vaginas.
  • Abercrombie and Fitch
  • There is nothing sexual about the name of this store, thankfully. However, once you are inside, there is nothing non-sexual about the interior. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel in this store. What I've noticed is this:
    1. There is a noticeable amount of homoerotic imagery involving men or women.
    2. Pink is a very fashionable color for "men" in this store.
    3. The dividing lines between the men's and women's sections are often very ambiguous.
    Conclusion:The forces behind Abercrombie and Fitch have a sinister plot to end what scientists call "sexual dimorphism." In their vision, man and woman are no longer distinct, and "relations" can exist between any two or more people. While it is important that these evil forces be fought, it is also important to remember that they will inevitably fail because men and women can always be separated by having them attempt to answer questions about American football, or how to bake various food items.

These are unfortunate developments, because all this gratuitous imagery is an insult to the young patrons of such malls, especially the throngs of modestly dressed young women who come to the MOA to shop for chocolates for their bedridden grandparents and occasionally purchase sodapops for their own pleasure.

I, for one, am outraged. This is surely only part one in a master plan. Once our subconscious has accepted this creeping sexuality, it will surely become more overt. I discovered plans to rename Ann Taylor into Lesbi-Ann Tailor, which would be a tailor for women who are attracted to other women, sexually. This is oh-so-shameful, while I admit a bit hot.

Posted by mill1991 at 4:39 PM

December 29, 2004

It's all starting to make sense

I went home this past weekend and I found out I was adopted. Well, I just kind of assumed I am adopted. Judging from the temperature of my parent's house, they are descended from Eskimo types and I am descended from whiny tropical types. It is so fricken cold in that house. I'll say, "Wow I'm really really freezing." And they'll go look at the thermostat and say, "Well, it says here that it's 73 degrees in here. So you must be warm. I may have given birth to you and raised you for 18 years, but I'm gonna take the thermostat's word over yours." And then I'll say, "Well, if the thermostat says I'm warm, I must be. My feet, which are turning blue as we speak, are obviously mistaken."
Posted by mill1991 at 3:24 PM

December 28, 2004

Courtroom sketch artists

Are there still people acting as courtroom sketch artists? They always show the sketches on the evening news, and I don't really understand the point. Couldn't they just take a blurry picture? It seems like such a waste to have a person employed just to draw pictures of a trial. A painting of Judge Ito just isn't any more informative than a photograph. Is this just another way of keeping records? Does the picture get filed along with the testimony? So that the jury, while deliberating, can request the picture of the defendant's testimony because they can't remember if he was wearing blue or black slacks?

I wonder if Judge Judy or the People's Court have a courtroom artist? For Judge Judy, I bet every picture looks the same - her with her mouth open yelling at a redneck. What makes a person want to go on Judge Judy? She's like your friend's irrationally mean mother. They must have recruiters looking for "interesting" cases, because I cannot imagine at what point in a disagreement two people are like, "We should take this to Judge Judy. She's such a good judge she gets to be on television every day! Plus the cases are heard fairly, and the well being of both parties is obviously the foremost concern."

Posted by mill1991 at 12:56 PM

December 27, 2004

My record on resolutions

It's getting to be that time of year when I have to start thinking about making New Year's resolutions for next year. Before I do that, however, I'd like to take a look back at some resolutions I made last year to score myself. Without further ado:
  1. Have sex with a super model.
  2. I came close on this one. She wasn't a super model, just a regular model. And I didn't have sex with her. Maybe next year.
  3. Don't lose or gain any weight
  4. Alright! Nailed this one. Unfortunately all of my body mass did go from lean muscle to neck fat.
  5. Stop procrastinating so much
  6. The very existence of this post, indeed this very blog, is incontrovertible proof that I did not keep this resolution. My use of the word "incontrovertible" is incontrovertible proof that I keep a thesaurus next to my computer.
    Posted by mill1991 at 10:18 PM

December 21, 2004

My, is it cold out

If you didn't go outside today, I envy you. I had to walk outside for about 100 yards to hand in a paper, so I didn't bother with the scarf. In that 100 yards, my face became the coldest object ever in existence. They freeze bull semen at temperatures that seem balmy by comparison.

Speaking of scarfs, I really need help. I seriously question whether I am mentally retarded every time I have to attempt to wear a scarf. Is there a technique, like tying a tie, that I was supposed to have been taught by my parents? Because I know no such technique. You see, my parents raised me in a religion where scarfs were not allowed. It was sort of the opposite of Islam - you were required to show as much skin as possible. Therefore, it is a sin to wear socks and shirts, not to mention scarfs. For it is written, "He who shall covereth himself in silks and threads shall be smoten with great vengeance. For what your father has created, let no man hide, unless he has big puss-oozing sores or something." It then goes on to talk about the proper ways to pray in order to have God on your side for sporting competitions.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:31 PM

December 20, 2004

I'll have one rant on evolution, soaked in sarcasm, please

There is a new theory of human origins that has recently been forwarded by the scientific elites. This theory says that human beings have descended from simpler animals by a process called evolution by natural selection. The most recent human ancestor, according to this "theory"? Apes. That's right - these genius scientists sitting in their ivory towers think that man came from apes. Here are some reasons why people of faith should not believe these claims:
  • Potential for teasing:
  • In every science fiction movie with aliens from other worlds, earthlings are always derided as being "simians" or "apes." Do we really want to set ourselves up for this kind of inter-galactic teasing? We don't want earth to become the universe's equivalent to the table in the high school cafeteria where the math team sits.
  • Inability to explain facts
  • Notwithstanding the Olson twins, Patrick Ewing, and my hairy back, human beings bear no resemblance whatsoever to apes.
  • None of my relatives are apes
  • I have a big family - 15 legitimate aunts and uncles, and probably several others who were bastard children. All of these aunts and uncles have children. Some of those children have children. Out of all of those people, not a single one was ever an ape. For a while we thought my cousin Danny was an ape, but it turned out he just got lost at the zoo and a chimp had followed his parents home.
  • Evolution promotes competition
  • In this "theory," competition between species determines which survive, and which traits get passed on to offspring. This kind of competition is bad for children to hear about. As head of my children's soccer league, I initiated a plan where every child gets a trophy, no matter how bad they are at soccer. Also, we don't keep track of goals during a game. Instead, we determine a winner by who has had the most fun during the game. So far every game has been a tie.
  • It is difficult to understand
  • Evolution is incredibly hard for me to understand. Scientific theories should always follow intuitions of the common man, so that they can be understood by all. If I can't understand how it works, then it isn't true. The stories in the bible are much easier to understand. Granted, there are two different stories that are completely at odds with each other, but I'll take two easily understood but contradicting theories over one difficult theory any day.
Posted by mill1991 at 5:44 PM

December 19, 2004

How to have a disappointing lunch

In an effort to spend less money on lunch, save time, and eat healthier, I started shopping for stuff that I can bring into the lab and eat while working. One of the masterpieces of cuisine which I purchased is called "Soup at Hand," made by Campbells. I like soup, I have hands, so it seems like a perfect match. Unfortunately, the "creamy tomato" is more likely to be "ketchup with pepper added." It is not good.

But I've eaten plenty of shitty food before, because my main goal with food is to eat it and be done - I'm not the kind that savors a delicious meal. I think the necessity of eating is one of the greatest hindrances to mankind. But enough about that. The thing that really bothers me about this soup is that there is a warning on the lid that says, "Caution: Contents are hot." Okay, I can sort of understand putting this on a coffee cup at McDonald's or Starbucks. There, you are being served boiling hot coffee. Wait, no, I can't understand it. It's stupid even at Starbucks. But bear with me. This soup is purchased at room temperature. You have to heat it yourself for it to get hot! Who the hell could possibly spend 5 minutes of their time watching this thing in the microwave with the express purpose of heating it, only to be surprised when the beeper goes off and it is hot!? Finals stress and holiday stress is really getting to me, and now this soup thing on top of it. I am going to go punch another hobo.

Posted by mill1991 at 1:10 PM

Christmas Cheer

Holiday shoppers get me so angry I just want to punch a hobo. Who are these people who actually go to Best Buy in the middle of the afternoon on the Saturday before Christmas? It is unfortunate that the grocery store is right next to Best Buy, but even if it were five miles away, there would still be Best Buy shoppers using its lot for overflow parking. I don't understand this concept of wasting all of your money during one month of the year on Christmas gifts. People should follow the model that I do in which you waste money on useless shit all year long. It's worked quite well for me, as my cluttered apartment and empty checking account can attest to.
Posted by mill1991 at 12:01 AM

December 18, 2004

Garfield Blows

I just saw a commercial for Garfield Chia Pets. What is most pathetic about this is that this does nothing to hurt the reputation of Garfield. In fact, it may even help it. That is a testament to the depths of which that particular comic strip blows.

For a while, I was considering creating my own comic strip, called "Still funnier than Garfield." It would be a three- or four-panel strip. Here's one idea for a comic: It's a picture of a person walking down an empty street. In every panel, the person is a little bit further down the street. Nothing else happens. "What? That's not funny," you might object. Yes, that is exactly the point. It is not funny at all, and yet it is infinitely funnier than Garfield. If you would like, I can add in a speech bubble that says "Blah blah blah blah Lasagna blah blah blah blah," because apparently to Garfield fans this sort of thing is hilarious.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:46 PM

December 17, 2004

Linzes greatest hits

In honor of Linz visiting the Twin Cities, I have put together a collection of his greatest moments.
  • In our senior year (high school) math class, Linz was called on and somehow got started telling a story about what he had done the previous weekend with his friends. Except what he was saying was actually the storyline from "I know what you did last summer." It started with "Me and a bunch of friends were driving through the mountains, and we had been drinking," and it ends with someone being killed by his car. Yet Doodles (our teacher) let him go on for what seemed like five minutes, not figuring out what was going on.
  • One weekend in Madison me and Linz got back to his place and ate some pizza. Then, he got a booty call of sorts where he had to go pick some girl up. So I crashed in his bed while he was gone. When I woke up, I was in bed with Linz and a red-headed girl in between us. Apparently she was trying to make out with him in the bed while I was sleeping.
  • Me, getting ready to pass out in Linz and Joynt's dorm room with about 10 other people: "Is it alright if I just put my wallet and keys and everything right in one place on your desk?"
    Linz: "No, you have to scatter it all around the room."
  • Linz: "You should program a robot to love you, and then don't love it back, so that it's forced to masturbate."
  • Linz: "Miller and I need practice talking shit about as much as Reuter needs to practice smoking pot."
  • Linz: "When you are programming the robot, do you program it to think that you're really cool?"
    Me: "No, that behavior just emerged naturally."
  • Me: "I'm thinking of taking up skateboarding."
    Linz: "If you take up skateboarding, I'll take up not being your friend."
Posted by mill1991 at 12:46 PM

December 14, 2004

Guess the celebrity voice!

We had a review session for my neuroscience class yesterday. One of the lecturers from early in the semester was there. When he was lecturing, all I could think about was trying to figure out which celebrity's voice his sounded like, and it frustrated me to no end that I couldn't pinpoint it. So, yesterday, I put a lot of thought into it, and the best I could come up with was a combination of Mr. Rogers and Christopher Walken - the tone of Mr. Rogers and the rhythm of Christopher Walken. But then today I figured out the real person it reminded me of, and it's Kevin Spacey, with maybe a dash of Kermit the Frog.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:50 AM

December 13, 2004

Ask Tim: Ridiculous workloads

An imaginary reader asks:
Aren't you way too busy to be blogging?
Posted by mill1991 at 10:04 AM

December 11, 2004

Marquette vs. Wisconsin, 2002

This Saturday Marquette takes on Wisconsin in men's basketball in Milwaukee. In honor of this game, I would like to take a day to reminisce on one of the greatest days of all time. I am speaking, of course, of the last time when Marquette University took on the University of Wisconsin in basketball at the Bradley Center, 12 December 2002. Some of you may not want to read stories about my friends laden with inside jokes that you will not understand. To you I say: I'm sorry, but you really need to stop whining. This is free entertainment. Anyways, on with it.

Cast:(I have given them pseudonyms)

  • Me
  • #1 Dad
  • Jaunty Joynt
  • Tone Loc
  • Ludacrits
  • Jared (he really needs a good nickname)
The day started out with a brewery tour. We had heard wonderful things about the Lakefront Brewery tour in beautiful (cough!cough!) Milwaukee, Wisconsin. We were all overflowing with curiosity about the process of beer-making. Unfortunately, we got somewhat lost along the way, owing to the fact that I was navigating. So, we arrived about 15 minutes late. It turns out the tour is only 20-25 minutes long anyways, and it was the last tour of the day, so they decided just to give us our beer tokens and let us go get our "samples" instead of doing the actual "tour" part of the tour. It turned out there were plenty of other students who were using this as a pre-party for the game, and we got the feeling that most of them had skipped the tour despite arriving on time. For $5, you get to try about half a pint of a few different beers. But they give you full pint glasses, so it's actually up to the bartender how much you get, and if you compliment him on his Grizzly Adams beard or the dragon tattoo winding all the way down his arm you may end up getting a full pint.

The brewery was closing, so we had to finish our beers fast. But these are not watered-down mass produced light beers. These things are thick, stout, microbrews. Chugging these things is like chugging oatmeal. We managed to get them down, though, and headed to the game, dizzy, stumbling, and as full as we would be if we had just finished Thanksgiving dinner.

At this point, Ludacrits needed to go to the ATM. We were a little worried, because he has a tendency to spend a lot of money in Milwaukee. One time we invited him down (from Green Bay) to a keg party in our apartment and he brought his own keg, just in case we were getting a kind of beer he didn't like. Another time he brought down an entire case, ended up just drinking out of our Kegerator (yes, we had a kegerator, awesome I know), and left all his beer with us. And, he always bought lots of shots and drinks at Murphy's and Caffrey's. So, making a note of history, Luda wisely took out all the money he would need and gave me his ATM card with the instruction that I was not to give it back that night under any circumstances. At this point I feel the need to insert some kind of foreshadowing, but I think its pretty clear already what's going to happen.

Tone Loc and Joynt were both Wisconsin students at the time (though Tone has since enrolled at a less communist institution). Nonetheless, we let them sit by us at the game. Jared had worked his charisma, and was able to get into the game about half an hour before any other students. He secured us front row seats in the corner of the endzone after kicking some old ladies and handicapped people out of them. By the way, these are the best seats in the Bradley Center because they are just offset enough so that you can view the whole court, and they do not have the backboard in the way like endzone seats. So, nice work, Jared. But the thing was we had just scored the best seats in the house, and we had these ass-clowns in Wisconsin shirts sitting next to us. It was kind of embarrassing, so we had to periodically pour our beers on them during the game so that people wouldn't know they were with us.

There is a strict policy at MU games that students can only purchase one beer at a time. It is a good policy, because otherwise anybody could buy beer for his underage friends. The policy had not been completely fleshed out for that season, though, so it was only enforced in the student section. We had just started getting settled in our seats when we turned to see Ludacrits coming down into our section carrying many more large Miller Lites than you would imagine a 100 pound man can carry. It turns out that if you went one concession stand over from the student section, they would sell you as many beers as you want. You could probably buy it by the gallon if you wanted. To test this theory, I went up wearing my student section t-shirt to try to buy multiple beers - surely they would recognize I was a student and refuse me. I was 21, but even now people tell me I look like I'm 18. Two years ago, I looked anywhere from a max of 18 years old down to possibly infant. The woman asked me if I was a student, and I told her I was an alumni. Somehow buying this, she started filling up tub after tub of beer for me. We drank a lot of beer that game, mostly paid for by Ludacrits. The game went by superfast, and Dwyane Wade was awesome, as always. He had one spectacular dunk which, amazingly, I still remember.

After the game we went to the bars in downtown Milwaukee. It wasn't long before Ludacrits realized that he had already spent all of his money and started begging me for his ATM card back. Of course I gave it to him, because with Ludacrits there is always the threat of physical violence. Seriously, I'm surprised I remembered this much. So, Dad, Joynt, anyone else who reads this who was there, did I forget anything?

Posted by mill1991 at 2:50 PM

December 10, 2004

Treatise on the setting of reasonable goals

Recently I've noticed that I'm not very good at attaining my set goals. Everyday I wake up and think about what I'm supposed to accomplish that day. After making a mental task list, without fail I say to myself, "I am so fucked." Then I look at my calendar and see things like "Finish assignment early to allow for questions," and "Submit rough draft for feedback," or "Write interesting blog entry." These things are clearly all unobtainable, since they require me to stop procrastinating. If you're like me, you may find it discouraging if you set your goals too high, only to find out that they were unrealistic and you are basically useless to society. In that vein, I am laying out a new goal which is attainable: From now on I will set reasonable goals.

There a few really easy things I could lay out that I'm sure I will accomplish. The purpose of these goals is mainly to boost confidence. Some of my first ones include: December 15, 2004: Don't go out on a date with Sasha Cohen. This should be very easy to follow through on. December 31, 2004: Tell someone that I will see them in hell. Again, it's practically guaranteed. January 1, 2005: On rent check, print the year as "2004." Have you ever not done this? Here are three goals that I've basically already achieved. And to think, I once considered myself a procrastinator.

Then there are some higher-tier goals that actually require some positive effort to do, so I will actually have a sense of accomlishment. For instance: January 1, 2005: Watch football for 6 straight hours. I've already committed myself for six hours a whole month ahead of time! Can you believe my dedication? Also on January 1, 2005 I have on my calendar: "(If Time) Eat half a bag of chips." I could probably even do this while I'm watching six hours of football. This kind of multi-tasking is usually only seen in high-powered executives and the Linux kernel.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:03 AM

December 9, 2004

Dr. Date can't floss on my level

Today in my class I was quite distracted, so I took to answering Dr. Date's questions, and I thought my answers were slightly better so I'll share them. Also, I have no other ideas and I feel the need to keep cranking out mediocrity. Enjoy!

Dear Dr. Date,
I like this girl I have known for the semester. she is really cute and exciting. sometimes when we stare at each other, i canít help but feel as if there is some sort of connection between us.

Every time i see her i just wanna take her hand in mine caress her cheek and kiss her. And the way she looks at me sometimes makes me just melt and i get lost in her eyes.

My problem is I suck at reading signals, so as part of me is saying that she likes me, the other part points of to the number of different dates she has a week. I sometimes get jealous at the number of guys she seems to have dates with. Is it common for a girl to tell a guy she likes about all these different dates she has? or does it mean i have indeed miss read signals and she is not feeling anything but friendship for me?

- Confused Romantic

Dear Confused Romantic,
I wouldn't get your hopes up; she doesn't sound like the "settling down" type - the most you can hope for is a single date. Granted, there might be quite a bit of caressing on this date, but you seem to be looking to be more than a one date Horace. Given your timidity up to this point, asking her out now is just begging her to pat you on the head and say "Awwww... how cute!" Nevertheless, she may pity you and say yes, since she is dating so much already. And if you play your cards right (hint: play the "hapless rube" card early and often), you may even find yourself getting some pity sex.

- Dr. Date imposter

Dear Dr. Date,
Iím in a major dilemma, my boyfriend and I have been going out for a few weeks and this weekend was kind of awkward. I live in a sorority and we had a formal this weekend. After the formal we went to a hotel for the night which is when the trouble started. My boyfriend got really drunk, did a cannonball in the hot tub and passed out. So instead of calling it a night I went out with my friendís boyfriend for a walk. There was definitely a connection but I am unsure if I should pursue this new guy. Please help a girl in need!

- Trouble in AOP

Dear Trouble in AOP,
Clearly you are not on a mission to break down any "sorority girl" stereotypes, so I say go for it. It is obvious your boyfriend is a drunken lout, so dump him regardless of what happens with the other bloke. Trust me - it will not be difficult to find another drunk at a large state university, if that's what you're interested in. In addition, all girls secretly hate each other anyways (Dr. Date has seen Mean Girls), so you have nothing to lose by going behind your friends back with her man.

- Dr. Date imposter

Dear Dr. Date,
I was reading ĎNot a party girlísí entry on Friday I am kind of in the same boat. Iím a guy, not really a party guy, but just like to hang out. Where are all these non-party girls at? It seems like all the girls are partiers and just go after all the sleazy guys, when in fact there are other guys all around the place who are much better. Also, Dr. Date, you said to go to the rec center to find someone, but its kind of awkward to just go up to someone, especially at the rec center. Whatís your take on all this?

- Not a party guy

Dear Not a party guy,
I hate to break it to you, but asking girls out is going to involve going up to them, and (gasp!) talking to them. The main piece of advice I can give to you here is this: stop being such a pussy.

You asked where these party girls are. There have been plenty of socially disadvantaged like this throughout history. For a record of them, walk through a graveyard sometime and look for the tombstones that are by themselves. There are probably thousands of women at the University who aren't party girls, and they have one thing in common: they will all die alone.

- Dr. Date imposter

Posted by mill1991 at 4:22 PM

December 8, 2004

This is all I got

People sometimes say things like, "Boy, I wish I had a third hand right now." I think if they did have three hands, they would always just be wishing for a fourth one.

I need posters for my cubicle. I was thinking it would be cool to just have a poster of myself hanging on the wall, like Master P or basically anyone on MTV cribs. But it would probably be cheaper just to get a mirror.

Today on my drive in to work, there was a guy just walking in the street, and I said to myself, out loud, "What the hell? Get out of the road, Slappy McDickslap." I just thought that was funny. Linz proved years ago that names of this format are inherently funny when he invented the pseudonym Nutty McAssgravy. The ingredients seem to be a first name ending in "y", a last name starting with "Mc", and a vulgar word thrown in somewhere.

You know how if you do a bunch of math problems, your brain starts to hurt, and you're like, "Man, I gotta take a break from math."? I wonder if that's why we sleep? Because the rest of your brain is like, "Screw this, I need a break."

Gay men don't die, they just flame out.

Posted by mill1991 at 1:59 PM

December 7, 2004

Ask Tim: Questions about atheism

Okay, I get a lot of questions from people when they find out that I am a hardcore atheist. In the interest of saving myself some time, I will answer some frequently asked questions about being an atheist.
  1. Where did everything come from?
    I don't know. There are a lot of things I don't know, but I don't assume the answer is God to all of them. I don't know what that awful smell is in the hallway of the CS building, but I'm not going to blame it on God. If he doesn't get credit for the unexplainable bad stuff, he doesn't get credit for the unexplainable good stuff. Except golf. That could only have been God.
  2. What do you think happens when you die?
    Well, I'm certainly not looking forward to dying. But I'm not afraid of actually being dead. I reckon it will be just like it was for the billions of years before I was born, which wasn't that bad, except I was a little thirsty.
  3. Don't you want to go to heaven?
    Oh, certainly, don't get me wrong. It would definitely be nice if I was able to live in eternal paradise after dying. Hey, you know what else would be nice? If dogs could give hand jobs. But I don't think either of them is going to happen, no matter how hard I pray.
  4. What about the bible and Jesus' love?
    Well, that's a pretty old book. For all I know, the people that wrote it may have been doing opium. Or maybe the Gospels are Israel's version of Harry Potter, except much much more boring. Or perhaps it was like The National Enquirer - which would explain the miracles - and we're just missing the back page which read "Luke and Thomas seen canoodling at Last Supper - spokesmen deny involvement."
Posted by mill1991 at 7:39 PM

December 6, 2004

Ask Tim: Marching band uniforms

A reader writes:
Why do college bands wear such awful uniforms? Do you think more people would be in band if they didn't have to wear a 16 piece suit which consists of a crazy hat with shit growing out of it? Whoever invented these uniforms and why don't they change, they are a bit old fashioned.
You make a good point. In high school I was in marching band for two years. I didn't really want to be in marching band, but it was a requirement for regular band, which I looooved, especially since it gave me the opportunity to hang out with my band geek friends Joynt and Tony, who played the sax. Tony, I just realized, would probably look quite a bit like Kenny G if he let his hair grow out a lot. Anyways, the uniform worked out all right - by the time I had finished putting on my uniform for the first game of the season, it was the last game of the season.

There is a reason behind the uniform madness, though. Yes, more people would be in band if they didn't have to wear "a crazy hat with shit growing out of it" (I love that phrase by the way). But that is exactly the point. It works as a sort of filter to keep out the wannabes and hangers-on. If you want to be in marching band, you have to spend hours upon hours of your personal time putting on this uniform, only to find out that you are now dressed ridiculously and will be for the next 6 hours while standing in front of up to 100,000 people. It is also a filter for intelligence, since putting together the 16-piece suit with all the pieces in the right place requires an engineering degree. I usually ended up with stirrups on my shoulders or spats around my ears. This is similar to the concept of filtering in academia, where low salaries, years of burdening as a graduate student, and dreadful job prospects keep any halfway intelligent person from pursuing a PhD.

Posted by mill1991 at 3:34 PM

December 3, 2004

Bus ads must have low rates

If you are on campus for any amount of time, you have probably seen those ads on all the buses and even billboards. Basically, they advertise for exercise. They have ostensibly witty phrases like "Test drive your neighbor's dog" or whatever. I can't remember anymore because I've been huffing, but the point is they are really lame. It doesn't appear that they're selling anything since there is no brand given or contact information. I can only assume that this is a government advertisement intended to encourage exercise so that health care costs are reduced. In this case, I have some alternative phrases that could be used that might be more effective. If you, reader, have any of your own, you can leave them in the comments.
  • If you ever got off your ass for two minutes, your tax dollars could be building schools or attacking Canada right now instead of paying for bus advertisements.
  • Vigorous sexual activity: Great for burning calories. Unfortunately no one is attracted to you, fatass.
  • If you weren't so fat, maybe you'd be reading an interesting ad right now.
  • Midget bowling works all your major muscle groups. But be careful to use actual midgets, and not your neighbor's children.
  • Exercise: It seems really boring, and it is, but it will allow you maybe 5 or 10 years of extra life right where you wanted it - at the end!
Posted by mill1991 at 7:08 PM

December 2, 2004

The Passion of the Broken Wing

When The Passion of the Christ was first about to be released, there was a lot of controversy. Jewish leaders were afraid that the movie showed Jews in a bad light, and could incite anti-semitism because it ostensibly forwarded the notion that Jews killed Jesus. First of all, let me say that even if Jews in the year 33 CE did kill Jesus, Christians shouldn't hold it against Jews living today. I don't still hold a grudge against the British for taxation without representation, and I'm not still upset at Japanese people today about Pearl Harbor.

But more importantly, this anti-Jewish sentiment has the unstated assumption that Jesus really was God. For all we know, he could have been in his world what David Koresh was in ours. If he's just some crackpot half-baked revolutionary, then what's the big deal? He wasn't the first or last to be killed I'm sure. In any case, he thought it was his duty to die, so someone had to kill him.

Given all these things, I think Jews should be more visible on this issue. If I were Jewish, I would wear this as a source of pride. "Yeah, that's right. We fucking killed god. And if you fuck with us, we'll fucking kill you too." That would be so badass! On the list of things that are completely fucking badass, "Killing God" tops even 50 Cent's "Getting Shot 9 Times and Surviving." Except when they talk about it, they should speak with an exaggerated Hebrew accent that sounds closer to Yiddish than English. Can you imagine? Wannabe badasses in schoolyards and suburbs all over would start talking with Yiddish inflections instead of ghetto inflections if they wanted to sound tough.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:40 AM

December 1, 2004

Ask Tim: The Whole: Greater than the sum of parts? An investigation: by Tim

An astute Steve Sanders lookalike has asked the following question:
I'm sure you have heard of the popular phrase, "The whole... is worth more than the sum of the parts." Can you come up with an emperical formula to prove this?

Wow, that's a difficult question. On the Putnam test that would be worth quite a few points. I think I can best answer it with an example. The Peach Pit is a Beverly Hills restaurant/hangout that is very popular. What is the Peach Pit made of? Well, table tops, booths, stools, a jukebox, waitresses, migrant workers, etc. Each of these things considered as an individual is basically worthless. Brenda Walsh wouldn't hang out at a single stool. However, if you put them all together, they have a synergy that is undeniable. The only thing that could derail it is if for some reason they decide to split up Beverly Hills into another zip code. Then the shit would hit the fan.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:17 AM