February 25, 2005

Taking things too literally

Today's person who annoyed me: People who use the word "literally" when they clearly cannot be speaking literally.

Example: "It is literally 1000 degrees in the hot tub." Oh really? Well, I'm literally about to rip your arm off and beat you with it.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:25 AM

February 23, 2005

Really really really really really really really annoying me about you, you see

Today's person that annoyed me: The woman in front of me in line at Noodles who ordered buttered noodles.

What is the point of going to a restaurant if you are going to order buttered noodles? That's like watching The Matrix, with commercials, on TBS when you already own the DVD. That's like going to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and passing up a drink from the chocolate river because you just had a chocolate Slim-Fast. It's like deciding you want a pet but are content with the bacteria that digest food in your stomach. Buttered noodles is to pasta what a toothless midget is to prostitution. Ordering buttered noodles at a restaurant is like going to a Three Tenors concert and requesting "Row, row, row your boat." Even if they were to sing it in round form with three part harmony, it's still not that great. The only reason it's on the menu is so that if a guy wants to go out to eat with his retarded brother, there is something on the menu his brother can be convinced to eat.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:32 AM

February 22, 2005

Ask Tim: Gift Horses

A reader asks:
I have question for Tim who is wise like the old Piut Indian. While herding cattle on the Ponderosa a Indian savage told me, "Don't look (or was it lick) a gift horse in the mouth". I understand what this is supposed to mean, but it makes no sense? Can you try to explain the origins of this saying? And is it "don't look..." or "don't lick..."

Thanks, Benjamin Cartwright

First of all, I'm pretty sure it's "look" - licking a horse is lowly recommended, gift or no gift. Second, the meaning of the expression: The idea is that if you are given a gift, you shouldn't question it. For example, when you are accidentally given a large french fries instead of a medium, you shouldn't complain if you find a finger in it. Finally, to the origins of this expression: This website explains it nicely. The gist of it is that looking at a horse's mouth (and jaw, in particular), is one way to examine it's quality. If one is given a horse as a gift (a gift horse, if you will), it is an insult to the giver to inspect it by looking it in the mouth. Unfortunately, this does not bode well for my own pet theory, that gift horses could shoot blinding lasers out of their mouths.
Posted by mill1991 at 12:22 PM

February 18, 2005

Like Barry Bonds, in a way

If making an ass out of oneself were a professional sport, I would be accused of using performance-enhancing substances.
Posted by mill1991 at 2:20 PM

February 17, 2005

Blind Justice: Where the shit really hits the celluloid

There was a bus passing by with an advertisement for a new show called "Blind Justice," about a blind policeman. I haven't seen the show (no pun intended), and I don't plan to. The slogan is this: "He may have lost his sight, but ne never lost his vision." This is clearly a case of the marketing team developing a clever tagline and wrapping a show around it. The unfortunate thing is that sometimes people fall for it. If it pans out, we can expect a slew of copycats on other networks, just like the reality craze. Here are some possible shows with their catchphrases.

Copycat 1:
Premise: A drunk driver gets his license revoked after a DWI but learns his lesson and returns to his job as a pizza delivery guy, using his bike for transportation. Ummm, he also fights crime.
Tagline: He may have lost his license, but he never lost his drive.
Title: DWI: Delivering With Intensity

Copycat 2:
Premise: A world-class gardener gets into a roto-tilling accident in which both of her hands are shredded. She must work her way back up the gardening ranks using only moxy and prosthetic hands shaped like gardening tools. In addition, she must overcome prejudiced competitors and her parents, who want her to become a soccer player.
Tagline: She may have lost her hands, but she still has a green thumb.
Title: Cynthia Trowelhands

Copycat 3:
Premise: A food-taster has his tongue removed by a mysterious man, and he dedicates his life to finding the man who ruined his life.
Tagline: He may have lost his tongue, but he still has a taste for revenge.
Title: A Bitter Taste

Copycat 4:
Premise: A genius has a rare genetic disorder and must have his legs amputated. He works for the NSA and everyone from the FBI and CIA always ask him questions, trying to trick him, but he always finds the answers.
Tagline: His legs may be missing, but you can't stump him.
Title: Leg of Wood, Heart of Gold

Posted by mill1991 at 1:49 PM

February 16, 2005

Friends and enemies

They say the best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend, but I still think it's punching.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:27 AM

February 15, 2005

Revolutionary new dental floss will amaze and astound

When I unpacked my groceries, I noticed that the dental floss I bought has the description "High tech." Just what sort of innovation would qualify floss as high tech? Well if you're like me, you imagine the following: The floss contains compounds that, when coming into contact with organic material, release proteins. These proteins enter the areas between your teeth as you are flossing. Inside of the protein is a nano-bot (a really small robot), which contains a nano-laser (not a real thing, but just imagine it is a really small laser). The nano-bot uses its nano-laser to destroy plaque, as well as the germs that cause the gum disease gingivitis. The bacteria that cause bad breath witness this massacre and will rush to exit your mouth in a fit of panic. After the nano-bot wielding proteins have finished ridding your mouth of plaque, bacteria, and germs, they dissolve into a thin coating. This coating eats away at the stains on your teeth, making your teeth brighter and shinier, while providing a barrier protecting them from future attacks.

That is what I figured a "high-tech" dental floss must do. So what actually makes it "high-tech?" It's a little bit wider than regular floss.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:05 AM

February 14, 2005

Good weekend

I spent the weekend in Milwaukee for a friend's birthday party, and to make up for flaking out over winter break. It was a good time, though I wasn't "on," so everything interesting that happened was the result of someone else and I just took notes. But it was activity-filled. I got there just in time for the birthday party which went all night Friday. The next day we did activities ranging from free bowling (paid for by Marquette's Habitat for Humanity chapter), watching Wisconsin's basketball team beat themselves like Urban in a pup tent, kicking field goals in the park by the lake, and watching some more college basketball with friends at Buffalo Wild Wings. It's really hard to be a vegetarian there - the soda comes with beef chunks in it, and you have to special order to get napkins that aren't made out of dehydrated goat innards.

While watching the game, Nate's brother $ (pronounced "Money") told us that one of the players we were watching had down syndrome. Nate called from the end of the table "That's right." "No way - that is ridiculous," I said. "I know," Nate replied quietly. "I told him that as a joke a few weeks ago and now he's been telling everybody since then." So we had a good chuckle about that. Then about an hour later, someone new showed up, and $ told him the down syndrome anecdote, and this guy, who knows college basketball but was not in on the joke, exposed it for how ridiculous it was, and Nate was forced to admit it was a lie. $ told us that he had been telling a lot of people that, like people at the school he teaches at, and basically anyone within earshot whenever this team was on TV or mentioned.

Another funny story about $, which didn't happen this weekend, but just hearing the story was one of the funniest things that happened to me this weekend. The scene: A house party.

Girl: So where are you teaching now?
$: I'm in Whitefish Bay.
Random eavesdropping guy: Hey! I'm from Whitefish Bay! Do you know anybody?
$: (Turns to random guy with evil eyes) Do you know any fucking 8th graders? Because that's all I know.
$: (Turns back to girl) What a fucking weirdo.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:16 AM

February 10, 2005

Various

  • Thomas L. Friedman thinks that we should lower the bounty on Osama bin Laden because it is feeding his ego. Hey! I have an idea. How about we take him off of the "Most wanted" list, and put him at the top of the "Least wanted" list. He'll be so demoralized he'll cry himself all the way to FBI headquarters to turn himself in.
  • How many drinks does it take to kill my internal censor? About one.
    The scene: A downtown Minneapolis bar mens room with troughs instead of urinals
    Guy: Troughs? What is this, the Metrodome?
    Me: Yeah, all it needs is a shitty football team.
  • You know how your cell phone shows how long your call was when you hang up? For some reason I take pleasure in keeping the time under a minute if I'm leaving a voicemail, because I know for billing purposes the time is rounded up to the higher minute, so if I keep it under a minute I'm using the least possible amount of minutes. But when it's the weekend, I take even more pleasure in voicemail calls that take like 1:02, because I think of it as lost revenue for my phone company. Thoughts like these are the reason I haven't updated in so long.
  • Question: Do you always wear those pants?
    Answer: Yes. Even in the shower.
  • I've been obsessed with Blackjack ever since returning from Las Vegas. My gambling friends seem to think that it is about even money if you play smart, but I'm not convinced. To test it, I've been running a simulator that will play against various types of players and keep track of scores. I have lots of results already, but I have a few more player types to try, like a machine learning version and a simple card counting version. I'll let you know if I find anything interesting. If you are a programmer and want to make a player, let me know.
Posted by mill1991 at 11:16 AM

February 6, 2005

Super Bowl Commercials

Here is a running tally of the Super Bowl commercials with a ranking of how bad they suck, on a scale of one to four Tony Danzas. The best possible score is zero Tony Danzas (think horses kicking field goals), while the worst one can do is four Tony Danzas (think talking baby).
  • Hitch
  • This commercial did not debut at the Superbowl, but it's being played a lot nonetheless. I have no idea what this movie is about, but if I were to see it, I fully expect the dance instruction scene to last an hour and a half. There just can't be that much more to the movie, because that is all I see in the previews.
    Verdict: Three Tony Danzas
    danza_head.jpg danza_head.jpg danza_head.jpg
  • FedEx Commercial
  • This commercial didn't suck too much - though choosing commercials as a topic of the commercial is a weird decision, especially since we've seen how much commercials suck. It would make more sense to base the commercial on something that doesn't suck as much, like killer robots.
    Altogether: 2 Tony Danzas.
    danza_head.jpg danza_head.jpg
  • Cosentino
  • The commercial has said some women's name several times, and I don't know what it means yet, though I'm thinking it's either a kind of surface tiling or else a machine that causes washed up sports figures to appear relevant for 30 more seconds. While this commercial certainly sucked quite a bit, it did not plumb the depths of suckhood that one might expect from a commercial with Mike Ditka.
    Result: Two Tony Danzas
    danza_head.jpg danza_head.jpg danza_head.jpg
  • GoDaddy.com
  • Wow. Talk about one of the greatest all-time commercial suck jobs. Not only did this commercial lose points for having a completely stale reference to Janet Jackson, but the rest of it was belabored and lacked anything resembling humor or creativity. One time I accidentally wiped my ass with a role of film. When I then played it back, it was a lot better than this commercial.
    Verdict: 4 Tony Danzas.
    danza_head.jpg danza_head.jpg danza_head.jpg danza_head.jpg
Posted by mill1991 at 7:17 PM

On the value of AP English classes

Yesterday I got a package in the mail from my parents with my tax forms that had been sent to their house. For some reason, along with these documents, they included some of the essays I wrote for my college applications (I think the reason is a combination of nostalgia and a desire to get my shit out of their house). These writings of mine make the script of "Angels in the Endzone" look like The Iliad. Actually, come to think of it, Angels in the Endzone is kind of like the Iliad, with angels instead of greek gods, and Peewee football in place of war, and a guy who looks like a strung out pedophile (Christopher Lloyd) playing the role of Achilles.

Mercifully, no one will ever have to read my college application essays ever again. I cannot imagine anything more embarrassing than having someone I know read these, besides maybe a naked photo of myself circulating on the internets holding a sign reading "I Love W". The admissions people must have been so confused: "The GPA and ACT score say 'accept', but the essay says 'Someone wipe this drool off of my chin.'"

The source of my ineptness? While most of my high school friends were toiling for the ruthless master known as AP English, I was in lower level senior English classes, such as Public Speaking for Retards and Expository Writing for People Who Will Probably Never Write Anything More Important than a Complaint Letter to the Makers of Milwaukee's Best. In AP English, my friends were mastering the art of rhetoric in speeches exploring the subtleties of Joyce's prose. In my speech class, my final exam speech involved me taking off my shirt to reveal a taped-on wig, simulating back hair, which I proceeded to shave off with a Bic razor tied onto a back scratcher, for which I received an A+. In AP English, students produced intricate essays on the trade-offs of government intervention in free markets. In my writing class, we made a mock newscast with an anchor named "Stoned Phillips" and got an A.

Posted by mill1991 at 12:27 PM

February 5, 2005

What I learned from Saturday afternoon movies

There is not too much good television on Saturday afternoon without cable, especially when the best college basketball game available is Northwestern vs. Purdue. In case you do not follow college basketball at all, this is like watching an Iron Chef with the White Castle french fryer vs. a toaster. I did learn one astounding thing though - there is a sequel to the movie "Angels in the Outfield" called "Angels in the Endzone." Surprisingly, it even stars Christopher Lloyd of the first movie, and yet I had never heard of it until today. There are many valuable lessons to be learned in this movie.

  1. Christopher Lloyd has a very expensive drug habit
  2. This movie is the epitome of awful, and for Lloyd to star in it reveals severe desperation. The dialogue sounds as if it were the product of tests to see if it is true that an infinite number of monkeys typing at keyboards for an infinite amount of time really could produce Shakespeare's entire works. Unfortunately, in this test, they realized that they only had five hamsters and twenty minutes, and the script to this movie is the result.
  3. If you have a shitty athletic team, name it the angels
  4. If you pick a name like Warriors or Papermakers, what sort of expectations can you really have for supernatural interference? But with a name like Angels, you can virtually guarantee that an angel who looks like an alcoholic child molester (Lloyd) will come along to help the team. There really is no motive supplied for the interference, but my theory is that the supernatural angels are embarrassed by uncoordinated little bastards who suck at sports representing them.
Posted by mill1991 at 7:24 PM

February 2, 2005

Bad joke

Q: Did you hear about that new porno movie they filmed on a campground?
A: Yeah, it's fucking intense. (It's fucking in tents)
Posted by mill1991 at 10:13 AM

February 1, 2005

Groundhog Day Quickly Approaching

As everybody knows, tomorrow, February 2, is Groundhog day, the day when we find out absolutely nothing and nothing remotely important ever happens. What most people don't know is that Groundhog Day is only one in a series of many rodent-themed holidays. For instance, March 3 is Beaver Day. If a beaver comes out of his dam and all his hair on one side sticks straight up from sleeping on it wrong, then your rash will go away without any ointment. If the beaver's hair looks mostly normal, then you should see a doctor about the rash, and he will prescribe you some kind of balm or salve.

Another rodent holiday is June 6, known as Porcupine Day. This holiday is very popular in Manitoba, for reasons I don't need to mention. Here is how it works: On June 6 a porcupine comes down from his tree. If his quills are sticking up, then your summer will be filled with passion, and your car will run quite well as long as you change your oil every 3000 miles (it seems like an odd combination, but that's because it was recently combined with another holiday, Aardvark Day). If the quills aren't sticking up, then you will be a pathetic loner all summer and your car will spontaneously burst into flames on the interstate.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:55 AM