Of all the things in the world that frustrate me, trying to eat three meals a day is near the top of the list. My irritation over this makes me long for the days when any problem could be solved by putting a spear through it. My top two other annoyances are probably sleeping and dogs that seem to be able to detect clean jeans and slobber all over them preferentially.
I would pay top dollar to have a feeding tube system that would allow me to skip meals. Whenever I want to eat, I could just plug a few morsels into the system and return to work. No more preparing food, no waiting for the oven to preheat, no checking nutrition labels, no chewing, no sneaking moldy cheese into your friends sandwich. Well, I guess that last one I'll miss, but otherwise you get the point.
This would make dating easier, too! Dinner conversation would never lull because it would be too short.
Me: Hey, that's a nice feeding tube. Where'd you get it?
Her: Oh I got it on sale down at the...
Me (rudely interrupting): Well, looks like we're done eating, do you want to make out now?
This does not need to be the end, though. Sometimes, not being a nice guy can be attractive. If someone tells me I'm a nice guy, I say "You think I'm a nice guy? You should ask the guy that cut me off on the freeway if he thinks I'm a nice guy. Oh wait, he's dead! Now do you think I'm a nice guy?" Then, just for effect, run up to the nearest person and punch him in the kidney. I'm telling you, works every time.
Why are you slowing down!!?? Do you realize the logistics involved with trying to get a non-moving police car into a quickly moving, traffic filled, under construction lane of traffic? This guy is not about to put his life at risk to give someone a ticket for going five over. You could probably be barreling down the highway at 80 with a howitzer mounted on your hood and a dead guy's arm hanging out of your trunk and the cop would still be hesitant about pulling out into that mess o' traffic.
Anyways, the slowing did not end until traffic was moving at 40 miles per hour. 40! That's 15 miles per hour BELOW the legal limit, and about 25 below what it takes to get pulled over. People who slow down to 40 MPH, I do not wish to be rude, but I have a question: Are you retarded? When you see a security camera at a department store, do you put your own possessions on the shelf so it really looks like you're not stealing? If you see a minimum speed limit sign in a rush hour traffic jam, do you try to get up to 60, just to be safely over the 45 MPH minimum?
Query:What is the surface of Venus made of?
(1) Continents and lowlands - Only 8% of the surface of Venus is made of continental highlands
(2) Venus - - The surface of Venus is made of a thick crust of dried up volcano lava.
Analysis: (1) is tough to make sense out of, and is only a partial answer. (2), on the other hand is muy impressiv.
Query:Who is Scrooge McDuck's nemesis?
Result: Limited supplies ) - $6.00 Disney’s DuckTales #2 (July 1990) - "Scrooges Quest" Part 2 - "The Nemesis of Napalabama" Scrooges search for Webby takes our heroes to the Howling Hills of Pandamonia.
Analysis: Not very impressive. The correct answer, of course, is Flintheart Glumgold.
Query:Where is AAMAS being held this year?
(1)Sounds very interesting and Ill certainly be trying to submit a paper for this! (the fact AAMAS is held in Melbourne this year has nothing to do with it!) posted by Jamie at 5:56 PM << Back to blog.
(2) The award carries an honorarium, along with an invitation to give a talk at the annual Autonomous Agents and Multi - Agent System (AAMAS) Conference, which this year will be held at Utrecht University, the Netherlands July 25 - 29.
Analysis: This search makes it clear that the search technique is still using a "bag of words" approach instead of some kind of semantic analysis. Notice that the string "this year" appears in both results, and also that the two results give two different answers. "This year" could be resolved into the current year in a fully understanding system. Incidentally, if I changed the search to "Where is AAMAS 2005 being held," the search works perfectly.
Query:How do you make an old fashioned?
The result of this query was a polite request to limit queries to factual questions. I think the search engine got thrown off by the word "you," thinking I was trying to make smalltalk, so I gave it the benefit of the doubt and tried again.
Query (try 2):How is an old fashioned made?
(1) The Old Fashioned is made by taking an orange wheel and a couple of maraschino cherries with a dash of sugar syrup and Angostura bitters and "muddling" them - basically squishing them all together in the bottle of the glass.
(2) For instance, an Old Fashioned is made by muddling an orange and a cherry with a dash of bitters then filling the glass with bourbon or whiskey and a splash of soda water. So that makes 4 non - alcoholic ingredients to 1 alcoholic ingredient, but I have yet to meed a chick who likes it.
Analysis: Result (1) seems to be incomplete - there is no mention of adding liquor or soda. Result (2) is a little better, plus it has that hilarious last line. I could probably figure out how to make it from answer (2), but I'll let #1 Dad be the judge of whether it's a good recipe or not.
So, with the factual questions out of the way, I moved on to more opinion and values-based questions:
Query:Why don't girls like me?
Answer: Nice Girls Don`t Get Drunk. - - Like a good girl I then lifted my dress over my backside and leant forward, ready to be screwed by my new black lover, who began to pull my panties down.
Analysis:I'm not quite sure what to make of this. I'm unsatisfied with the response yet strangely intrigued.
Query:Who is the best wide receiver in the NFL draft?
Answer:# Charles Rogers, WR Michigan State - Not only is Charles Rogers rated as the top NFL Draft prospect at wide receiver, many scouts feel he is the best player in the draft.
Analysis:Not only is this two year old information, but it completely neglects Chris Samp (WR - Winona State), who is clearly the cream of this year's class.
Query:If God is infinitely good, why do bad things happen?
Result: Just as human parents operate according to a higher wisdom than children do, so God operates according to an infinitely higher wisdom than we do.
Analysis: That really makes me feel a lot better.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she responds to teasing. There are many different response types, all of which are very revealing. Some women like to stick to one response type, while others like to switch between them like they are brands of laundry detergent in that great laundry cycle called life. Here are a few examples:
Secretly Crushed Type
Description: This girl responds well outwardly, but is inwardly unable to withstand any type of suggestion that she is less than perfect.
You: Are you sure you want to go into Abercrombie? After that hoagie you just inhaled, maybe we should just go straight to Deb Plus.
Her (outloud): Ha, ha, yeah I sure did. (Gamely makes cookie-monster noises to simulate how she ate).
Her (inwardly): (Violent sobbing)
The Instant Revenge Type
Description: This girl refuses to be insulted, and will instantly retaliate, assuming you were trying to be insulting rather than just friendly or flirtatious. Even the most light-hearted teasing is taken as a vicious personal assault.
You: That was quite a sneeze! Shall I alert the paramedics?
Her: Your pants are too tight and you reek like curry.
Description: This is the best type, because not only does she laugh it off, but she'll often respond with much funnier insults, leading to an entertaining back and forth interplay.
Her: Do you think I'm hotter than Summer on the OC?
You: Oh, definitely. Wait, you said fatter, right?
Her: No, I said your mom is a huge slut.
You: Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Have you been drinking?
Her: Well, that's possible, but on the other hand your mom does sleep around quite a bit.