April 21, 2005

Mello Yello

Today is the first entry in the Citrus Flavored Soda Connoiseur category. And the honor goes to... Mello Yello. Ever since Coca-Cola's hostile takeover of the University of Minnesota, Mello Yello is the only citrus-flavored soda available in vending machines on campus. And I don't have any first hand experience, but I'm told that anyone carrying a Mountain Dew can will be efficiently "removed" from the campus under the cover of night. On the bright side, Mello Yello is a very good choice. It reminds of my childhood, when I would have sleepovers at my friend's house. His parents kept a shelf in their refrigerator solely for Mello Yello, and we took pride in the quickness with which we emptied said shelf. We would stay up late, drinking can after can of Mello Yello until our stomachs hurt. I'm not sure how we ever got to sleep, since building things out of Construx and playing with Ouija Boards are not especially tiring activities.

On to the review. On the whole, I give it two sticky thumbs up. Here's why:

Flavor: Mello Yellow is perhaps the most citrusy of the various citrus flavored sodas. The syrup may be a little heavy for some folks, and if a drop of this stuff is allowed to dry onto a surface, it quickly becomes the most sticky surface on the planet (actually, it's in a tie with all the other Mello Yellow spills).
Effervescence: This is one of the most bubbly sodas in its milieu. Drinking immediately after opening may cause a shock, as it doesn't get halfway down your throat before you feel the need to burp.
Extremity: Highly caffeinated citrus drinks seem to lend themselves to marketing based on how "extreme" the product is. In this case, the "Mello" name would seem to preclude any extremity. Fortunately, the advertising of the early '90's has worked, and I still remember that "there's nothin' mellow about it." However, the complete dearth of recent advertising may have some younger citrus connoiseurs questioning Mello Yellow's extremity, given more recent campaigns for Mountain Dew and Surge. Alas, unless finishing a paper 6 seconds before a deadline qualifies as an extreme sport, I don't have the qualifications to judge this category, since I lead a relatively non-extreme life.
Watch out for:If you buy a bottle from the vending machine, watch out. It is best to wait 5-10 minutes before opening. The fall from the machine turns the bottle into an explosive weapon. And if you do open it up too early, the best case scenario is that soda leaks over the edges, leaving the bottle extremely sticky for all eternity.

Conclusion: Mello Yello gets high marks for me because of its rich, full-bodied flavor. I admit it also wins some nostalgia points, and I am probably acclimated to its taste due to all the Friday nights of my early youth I spent chugging the stuff. My dentist says it is better to drink diet soda, but if I have to drink regular soda, drink it fast rather than nursing it over the course of the afternoon. To that, I say, "Bottom's up!"

Posted by mill1991 at 5:06 PM

April 20, 2005

Citrus soda connoisseur

I recently saw the movie Sideways, about two guys who go on a tour through wine country in northern California. One of the guys is a wine connoiseur. It occurred to me that I would like to be a connoiseur of some type. Alcoholic beverages are probably not the best idea, because I have the tolerance of a cricket, and also because I'm not supposed to drink at work anymore after "the incident." And by "the incident" I mean the time I tried to seduce a robot.

Coffee was also a possibility, but there are already a lot of people (one on UThink even) who do analysis of coffee and coffee-related issues much better than I could ever hope to. One thing I do have a lot of experience with is citrus-flavored soda (pop). This makes me the perfect person to review various citrus-flavored sodas. Also, there are not that many people who do this kind of work, so in a sense I'll be blazing a trail - a sticky trail of fruityish burp inducing sleep averting goodness.

What are my goals here? Let me tell you.

  1. To stay awake
  2. To produce more blog entries
  3. To help people decide which citrus flavored carbonated beverage is best for them, so that they can make an informed decision when they head to the vending machine/gas station/grocery store.
  4. To get people to realize that there is more than just Mountain Dew
  5. To give my friends in dental school better job prospects by encouraging behavior that leads to tooth decay.
Posted by mill1991 at 2:15 PM

April 19, 2005

Animal sniping

Per this article in the Minnesota Daily yesterday: I am no animal lover. In fact, I'm not even an animal liker. But I think what people today are calling "hunting" is ridiculous. Since most hunters sit safely off the forest floor with high powered scopes and rifles, "animal sniping" is probably a more appropriate term. Hunting should involve some sort of danger posed by the prey, like a counterattack, or the threat of starvation if the hunter should fail. The most dangerous part of animal sniping is other snipers, or getting too drunk and falling out of your tree stand. If you want to call it hunting, you should have to do it with tools you made yourself. You should have to stalk the animal in groups, forming a complex plan by which one member of the team can get close enough to the animal to stab it or chuck a spear through it. And, during hunting season, you are only allowed to eat what you have successfully hunted. Finally, at no stage in between the kill and the eating can any preparation be done on the carcass by another in exchange for money.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:37 AM

April 17, 2005

Natural selection acting through me

I always find it interesting when people say that the "holy spirit" has "moved" through them. As an atheist, I don't get to enjoy this experience, and sometimes wonder what it must be like (to be crazy). But today, I got as close as I ever will, when a natural force moved through me - natural selection.

I was driving through campus looking for a parking space, when I saw one on a side street. I was forced to stop quickly in the intersection, and I started turning before seeing pedestrians crossing. So, I had to stop in mid-turn, in the oncoming lane of traffic, until they crossed. But as soon as they crossed I quickly accelerated, to get out of the way of oncoming traffic (and avoid being naturally selected myself). As I was going through, I saw a bird land in the crosswalk. It was too late (and dangerous) to stop, and anyways, birds seem to have some miraculous ability to avoid being hit. But not this time. When I got out of my car, I saw the bird, still in the crosswalk, but now less alive than before. Obviously, this bird hadn't perfected it's "miraculous car-avoidance" capability yet.

Posted by mill1991 at 2:25 PM

April 11, 2005

The Ultimate Lawsuit

This is hilarious... The Ultimate Warrior, pro-wrestler turned thesaurus-toting conservative commentator, has threatened to sue a website for libel. Read the hilarious e-mail exchange.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:16 PM

Walking normally

There are some things that I do that I figured everybody did, but I have recently been informed that they do not, and I am actually just a really weird guy. One of these things is watching how other people walk. Did you ever watch someone with a really strange gait, like maybe they lift their heels high on the pushoff stroke, so they're basically on their tip-toes, or they stick their butt way up in the air, or they have a really slow guy-on-stilts gait. After I see this, I wonder if these people know about their unusual gait. Then I figure, no, they probably don't, because most people don't think about such retarded things as much as I do, and people probably just do what comes naturally, as opposed to what is "normal". Then I think, what if MY gait is extremely bizarre, like the weirdest possible walking style ever seen? What if, say, what feels normal to me actually looks like something from the Ministry of Silly Walks? Then I usually try to find some glass or other reflective surface to see if it looks normal. But then, as soon as you try to look normal, you're virtually assuring yourself that you won't look normal for some time, especially since you're gawking at your own reflection in a plate glass window and bumping into people left and right. So, anyways, after seeing a person with an unusual gait, any walking I do for the rest of the day is not normal.
Posted by mill1991 at 4:09 PM

April 10, 2005

But who will review the reviewers? I will.

Lately I have been seeing a lot of movie reviews from an organization known as Wireless Magazine. I've never seen the print version of this "magazine," or the online version for that matter. What Wireless Magazine is doing reviewing movies is also unknown to me. Well, I guess movies are wireless in the sense that light isn't transmitted to your retina with wires, but I doubt that's the reason for the name. In any case, these reviews generally show up in previews for movies that look really shitty. The kinds of movies that look so shitty that you think, "Maybe I'll wait till it comes out on video. And I'm completely paralyzed. And I'm masochistic."

Here are some examples of the reviews, apparently all by one guy, which I found from an article talking about this same subject.

  • Undisputed "Electrifying! Jaw-Dropping! Wesley Snipes is incredible! It will knock you out of your seat! Its unforgettable!"
  • Apparently it's not unforgettable, since I cannot remember this movie even existing, let alone dropping my jaw or knocking me out of my seat.
  • Friday After Next "The funniest Friday ever!"
  • I don't know about that; I really enjoyed Three Fridays From Now, and I'm really anticipating the science fiction version, Friday, March 27, 2150

I don't mind the fact that this magazine clearly only gives positive reviews. I don't even mind the fact that, since there is no good reason I can think of to do this for free, the magazine probably gets some benefits from movie companies for being so generous. In fact, it's kind of nice. If I see a movie showing a review from Wireless Magazine, I can be pretty sure that no actual reviewers had anything good to say about the movie, and safely ignore it.

I can't help but wonder, though, what does this guy at Wireless Magazine do when he comes across an actual good movie? If Wireless magazine had to review a classic like Citizen Kane, it would say "Holy sweet fucking Christ! THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING AWESOME! This movie will punch you in your face, rape your wife, and kill your babies! You will have no choice but to commit suicide after seeing this movie! Because nothing else that could happen in the rest of your life will measure up! You will be sexually attracted to any medium (video tape, reel of film, DVD) which contains this movie! This movie is so awesome the exclamation point on this keyboard has broken and I'll be forced to use the vertical line key located above the return key|||"

Posted by mill1991 at 4:53 PM

April 7, 2005

Ask Tim: Selecting a Bowling Ball

Recently I purchased my own bowling ball, for $5 at a local Salvation Army. It also came with a bag, and it is engraved with the extremely creative name "Striker." I bet the guy who donated that ball also owns a dart case with "Bullseye" engraved on it. Anyways, with ownership of a bowling ball I am now only a pair of shiny white Etonics and a wrist brace away from contending with #1 Dad for "Lamest Guy" at next year's Turkey Bowl. Since this purchase, people have been bombarding me with questions about how to select a ball of their own, especially when they are just using the ones at the alley. Here is my take on the situation.

There are two schools of thought on the subject. The first perspective comes from the "You suck at bowling" angle. You could spend an hour canvassing the bowling alley hefting every ball, sticking your fingers into every set of holes you run across, ignoring screams of terror in search of the perfect bowling ball. But the end result is that you will end up with a slightly less shitty ball than if you had just picked one at random. Thus, the best idea is to just scan the racks, looking for the coolest looking ball at the alley. Pick this ball, and no matter how many 13-year-old girls laugh at your score, stick with it, because you suck at bowling anyways.

The counter-argument comes from the "It's impossible to look cool while bowling" school of thought. This theory says that, no matter how "cool" any ball might be, you are still bowling, an activity which scientists have proved is not done by anyone cool. Therefore, you might as well go through a little bit of trouble and select a ball which works for you, and pick up a couple extra pins.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:59 PM

April 4, 2005

Something I'd like to get off my chest

  1. If I'm ever retiring as coach of a local high school sports team, and my wife offers to buy me a dinner, we better not fucking be going to Applebee's. I didn't dedicate my whole life to instructing bratty suburban teenagers so that, when I finally do retire, I could eat at a shitty corporate chain restaurant.
  2. If somehow I do end up at Applebee's for my retirement dinner, and one of the waitresses comes up to me and asks me for help, I will definitely tell her to fuck off. I don't work at Applebee's, remember? I'm the guy who just retired. It doesn't matter that she knew to refer to me as "coach." I don't care if she calls me the "Duke of Awesome," you can hang up your wall tchotchkes by yourself.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:43 PM