June 28, 2005

2005 NBA Draft

The NBA Draft will be held tonight, and while I usually don't write about sports, today there is special reason. It is the NBA draft, and Travis Diener, a fellow Marquette University alumnus, is hoping to be selected. While a marginal pick at the end of the college season, it sounds like he's improved his stock quite a bit so that he should get drafted sometime in the second round.

A few months ago, I gave a ridiculous answer to a ridiculous question about Travis Diener's draft prospects on this blog. Since then, many Diener fans have stumbled upon that post (from Google), apparently thinking it was a serious discussion of the NBA draft. Anyways, that post has basically become an ad hoc message board in which Diener fanboys and fangirls have left 25 comments, easily making that my most commented on post ever (much to my embarrassment).

I was flabbergasted that anyone might confuse my idiotic ramblings with serious commentary, but I didn't know what to do. I thought about closing comments to that post, but truthfully, they were so unintentionally funny I wanted to leave them up. Another thing I considered was sending an e-mail to everyone who left a sincere comment, containing only one sentence: "You are an idiot." But that seemed too harsh. So I just left it up, as the comments kept coming in. In conclusion, this post is basically pointless, but I just wanted to point out the thriving community of Diener worshippers lurking on my blog to some of my regular readers who might only look at the front page.

Postscript: In case you're curious about the reference above to Google, apparently Google thinks my blog is some kind of font of information on Travis Diener. A search on his name returns this blog on the very first page! Adding the word "draft" produces the same result. No doubt that this post will soon appear very highly on the returned results page as well.

Posted by mill1991 at 1:53 PM

June 27, 2005

Tom Cruise is a crazy person

It hurts me to say that, because twice in my life I have been told that I sort of look like Tom Cruise, once by my friend's mom and once by a gay dude, and I always wore it as a badge of honor. Now, I know that they weren't saying I'm as hot as Tom Cruise, just that I kind of resembled him. Unless having the muscle mass of an anorexic holocaust survivor is considered really hot, in which case I'm golden. Still, it was something I liked to tell everybody I know. Whenever Tom Cruise is slighted he can just say, "Hey! You can't treat me like that! I'm Tom Cruise!" I could similarly say "You can't treat me like that! A gay dude once said I sort of look like Tom Cruise!" Not quite as effective, and frequently responded to with incredulous laughter, but still.

Anyways, the point of this post is that I no longer feel like Tom Cruise is a flattering comparison. For the past month or so, he has been absolutely batshit crazy. First, he's spouting off all this Scientology crap. In case you're not aware, Scientology is a cult religion based on the works of science fiction hack writer L. Ron Hubbard. My personal belief is that all religions are fiction. However, it's usually better if the made up stuff happened so long ago that nobody actually witnessed it being made up, notwithstanding my own attempt with The Church of Futurama.

Next, Cruise has been basically retarded about his new girlfriend, Joey from Dawson's Creek. Given how much of a dickhole Cruise has seemed in all of his recent public appearances, I don't know what Joey from Dawson's Creek sees in him. My theory is that she is really attracted to Maverick from Top Gun, and ended up with a guy who looks like Maverick but has the personality of a dickhole. (Note: I spent 5 minutes trying to think of another fictional character whose personality Cruise reminds me of, but I couldn't think of any character that lame, so I just stuck with dickhole). I bet before sex, she makes him say "I feel the need... the need for SPEED!" And during, "Did you order the code red!?" And finally, "Show me the money!" But that's just conjecture. My point is, a gay dude told me I sort of look like Tom Cruise, and I am not a dickhole, so Joey from Dawson's Creek should just save herself the hassle and date me, although I will probably have to learn her real name. In any case, I approached her with this idea, but her "people" and "activist judges" keep coming between us, with pepper spray and restraining orders, respectively.

Posted by mill1991 at 3:01 PM

June 21, 2005

Oral transmission: It's not just a way to get VD!

When you hear the words "oral transmission" you might think it's a way your health teacher warned that one could contract herpes. You might alternatively think it's a system which allows your car to shift gears based on speech commands. You are right on both counts. But it is also a way of communicating history, and a not very good one at that.

You see, before the Old Testament was written down, it was passed down through generations of nomadic illiterate clans by storytelling. The problem with this approach is the same problem that plagues the game "Telephone," in which a message is passed, via whispering, through a throng of a group of children, inevitably incoherent by the time it reaches the last snot producer. Except the problem is even worse, because the children are trying expressly to maintain the fidelity of the message, while storytellers have the temptation to make the story interesting by exaggerating. If you think the bible is boring now, you can't even imagine what a snoozer it was before the storytellers got to it.

The following is a list of outlandish events from the modern Bible, followed by the actual events from which storytellers derived them:

StoryActual event
The burning bushMoses interprets literally the description of the symptoms of a nasty illness passing through the clanswomen.
Ten commandmentsMoses' wife made a list of things that made her mad.
Noah's ArkNoah took his family to the zoo and it rained.
The parting of the Red SeaA really fat guy did a cannonball into the Red Sea.
Cain kills AbelCain stops talking to Abel over a $6.76 debt.
Eve is deceived by a serpentA woman did something stupid and made up an elaborate and ridiculous cover story involving talking animals and magical fruit rather than risk losing an argument.

For people who take a literal interpretation of the bible (read: retarded people), the defense is that since the bible is divinely inspired, god guided the transmission of the bible from its beginning. Of course, the end result of several different versions, each of which considers all the others inferior, makes this argument laughable. I've even heard some people say that the bible is the truth because it says so in the bible. Oh, that's nice! Anytime I want to make a claim, just write out that claim, and underneath write "The above claim is true." Let me start right now:

  • The Bible is a ridiculous book full of myth and contradiction.
  • Every statement in this list is true.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:03 PM

June 17, 2005

Why yes, I have plenty of time to talk about the environment!

If you've been walking around on the U of M campus at all recently, you've probably run into the scourge of the sidewalks: those people who want to talk to you about the environment. Now, I've never stopped to talk to them, but I'm assuming they're pro-environment.

When the summer started, I would just politely decline, and pretend I was busy. Then, I just started giving a curt "No," with no explanation. But now, it's getting out of control. I walked by one, said no, went in and got some food to go and walked right by that person again. She asked me again and I said "Still no." You just asked me two minutes ago! How much could my schedule have possibly cleared up in the meantime? The next day I pledged to ignore them. This is more difficult than it sounds. Have you ever just completely ignored someone that you could see looking directly at you, trying to talk to you? It's a good way to feel like an asshole. So, the next day I decided I didn't want to feel like an asshole, so I planned this circuitous route by which someone else would always be closer to the environment guy. It must have been a slow day at the corner, because the guy went out of his way to talk really loud at me, so I was forced to ignore him again. It's getting to the point where one time I'm just going to go batshit crazy, cover my ears and yell "No! I don't want to talk to you about the environment! Ever!" Doing this would probably help those people to remember me, so that they would know not to bother me the next time I pass.

Here's the deal: I like the environment as much as the next guy, maybe even more. I just don't think the environment stands to gain much by me talking to either 1) a college dropout or 2) a college student not industrious enough to get a decent summer job. And by "help the environment" they definitely mean "give my organization money." I don't think the person holding the clipboard would be too pleased if I said, "I would like to help the environment. I'll sell my car and start riding my bike everywhere." Also, a person holding a clipboard is not likely to be able to do credit card transactions. Since I am not 90, I don't bring my checkbook with me. Which only leaves cash donations. I'm supposed to entrust my cash with someone just because they have a uniform on (and by uniform I mean t-shirt)? Not bloody likely.

Posted by mill1991 at 1:29 PM

June 14, 2005

Election 2008: Republican Candidates

In yesterday's post I highlighted some of the contenders of the Democratic field, and listed each of their strengths and weaknesses (well, mainly weaknesses). Today, I'm going to take a slightly different tack with the Republicans, just to mix things up a little bit. I will be ranking each of them on physical attractiveness, with categories for face, hair, overall fitness, and ass. Bulge has been eliminated as a category because there are not enough photographs of the candidates wearing tight-fitting pants.

  • Rick Santorum - The man who brought "man on dog" into the public debate. I may as well admit that his savage-like views on homosexuality prompted the format of this evaluation. So, for reference, open up this link in another window, so you can see what I'm talking about.
    • Face: As you can tell, he's not much to look at. He looks like he has a scrotum hanging off the bottom of his neck. His head looks like it's missing a few neck bolts. His shit-eating grin is just begging for a slap. Score: 3/10
    • Hair: He has your basic Lego-Man haircut, nothing to see here. Better than being bald, but not much. Score: 5/10
    • Overall fitness: He is mostly trim, but he seems to wear loose-fitting suits so as to conceal a paunch he's been cultivating ever since his family learned that overfeeding him is a way to shut him up. Score: 6/10
    • Ass: Again, it's hard to see much when he always wears suits. Unfortunately, a Google search for "Rick Santorum ass" brings up only web pages where he is being called an ass. I'll have to give him the average score. Score: 5/10
    • Total Score: 19/40
  • Bill Frist - He's been drawing so much attention to himself in the Senate lately that one can only assume he's gearing up for a presidential run. Unfortunately he got bitch-slapped by John McCain recently on the judicial nominee compromise. He's also (in)famous for using his surgical skills to diagnose Terri Schiavo's brain activity by watching a few minutes of edited video footage. Here's a picture for reference.
    • Face: Looks a bit Skeletor-ish. Sunken cheeks, protruding facial bones, and visible vocal organs may go over well in your pro-anorexia Internet forums, but here I'm declaring them a grotesque abomination. Score: 2/10
    • Hair: Same old Republican Lego-man bullshit haircut. Come on guys, let's mix it up a little bit! Score: 5/10
    • Overall fitness: As mentioned above, he is damn near gaunt. My grandmother would certainly scold him for not eating enough. But being dangerously skinny is different than being fit, so he loses some points there. Score: 5/10
    • Ass: There is not a lot of meat on his ass, to be sure, although I'm sure what meat exists is soft and supple, gentle to the touch. From experience I can tell you that sitting on that bony thing for too long is not comfortable, so he's probably an "Up and at 'em" kind of guy, but in this forum I'm only concerned with attractiveness. Too bony. Score: 3/10
    • Total score: A pathetic 15/40
  • Newt Gingrich - This one is hard to imagine, because he's been out of the public spotlight for a while. Recently, however, he seems to be looking for and getting more attention. In his appearance on the Daily Show last week he sounded very much like someone who wants to run for president. On to the judging! ( Reference):
    • Face: This man has an enormous dome. Talking about the face on a head this big is like talking about the beauty of a single pebble on Mount Rushmore. With that said, this is not a pretty grill. He is almost never pictured smiling, and when he is, you get the feeling unnatural means were used to get his mouth into position. Score: 3/10
    • Hair: He has basically the same haircut as every-fucking-body else. His hair color is a distinguished silver, though, which makes it slightly more interesting. Score: 6/10
    • Overall fitness: Ummm... not too good. The only evidence for a skeletal structure within his amorphous amoeba-like frame is his ability to stand up. He looks like the kind of guy whose idea of a diet involves getting a Diet Coke with his Super-sized Big Mac meal. Score: 2/10
    • Ass: Well, at least he has some meat to it. Unfortunately, it is likely to be Grade D beef, with splotchy color and rife with asymmetry. Score: 2/10
    • Total score: An astonishingly low 13/20
  • John McCain - One of the few likeable Republican politicians in existence. McCain doesn't do much grandstanding, preferring "getting a lot of work done" to "giving the appearance of getting a lot of work done." I might actually vote for him, if he were running against a total dickface Democrat (believe me, there are plenty), because he at least seems to be a reasonable person. Unfortunately, I'm started this evaluation format, so I have to continue it with McCain. Here is a reference
    • Face: McCain actually smiles occasionally, which definitely helps, even though he will never be the prettiest girl at the ball. Being the elder of the aforementioned candidates, his face shows more age, but normalized for age he does okay. Score: 6/10
    • Hair: The only candidate to step out of LegoLand when he needs a haircut. Unfortunately, being bald, this event does not occur that often. Also has a distinguished silver streak. Score: 5/10
    • Overall fitness: He probably is used to taking one too many trips to the buffet, as opposed to Gingrich, who settles in at Bonanza for lunch and keeps eating right through dinner. Overall, not very shapely, but he seems to be in control of his body mass, and appears a very powerful man. Score: 6/10
    • Ass: It's hard to tell, because I accidentally deleted my stash of McCain porn to make more room for Linux distributions. But he's probably the cream of the crop as far as Republicans go, which isn't really saying much. Score: 4/10.
    • Total score: An astounding 21/40! McCain is my prediction
Posted by mill1991 at 1:39 PM

June 13, 2005

Election 2008

Our current cognitively disabled commander-in-chief was just inaugurated a few months ago, and already there is plenty of talk about the next presidential election. In fact, it is possible to already forecast the most likely contenders from both Republican and Democratic primary fields. Some pundits say it is too early to even consider the next presidential election, since it is too far away. What these well-intentioned people are forgetting is that in the last election, a large chunk of people were undecided up until the day of the election. Clearly these retards need as much time as possible, so I'm going to start analyzing the field right now. And fucking-ay, how about you morons make up your minds a little earlier this time. I mean, Christ, you're 18, pick a fucking ideology already.


  • Hillary Clinton - If elected, it would be the first U.S. election of a woman president, the first president to be the spouse of a former president, and a fucking miracle. While most Democrats like her, for some reason she seems to piss off Republicans more than a monster truck rally without an eight story tall fire-breathing robot. In order for the Democrats to win, they'll need someone who can appeal to leftists and undecideds (Ooh, those undecideds, they're so thoughtful, they're considering the issues so thoroughly they can't even make up their minds until they step in the booth. Shit, we might as well just give them coins to flip when they walk into the polls, but that would probably hurt the incumbent.)
  • John Kerry - After having been narrowly defeated by a drooling imbecile, Kerry hopes to make a run against someone who can really kick his ass - say, someone with charisma and the ability to string together a coherent sentence. While Kerry may have high hopes, I don't think the Democrats are likely to nominate a loser. And by loser, I don't mean the literal, "Kerry was the loser of the 2004 election" sense, but instead the "Kerry, get away from our lunch table, loser" sense.
  • And now, some dark horsies:

  • Russ Feingold - Before I make any sarcastic comments, just let me say that Feingold is currently my political hero, and I would love for it to be possible for him to be president. But lets look at the strikes against him: He is virtually unknown to the average American, he was the only Senator to vote against the Patriot Act (part of the reason he's my hero, but I can already see the attack ads - Russ Feingold voted against your security just so his library records could stay private!), and finally, he is Jewish, or at least his name sounds Jewish. Unfortunately, this probably hurts him in red states. While I am not a fan of any organized religion, I do enjoy Jewish culture, by which I mean Woody Allen movies. Finally, Feingold gives straight talk - he would actually defend his votes on a rational basis. That sounds like a positive, but Americanidiots don't have the attention span or the ability to listen to reasoned arguments.
  • John Edwards - No, not the psychic medium guy who talks to the dead, although that guy probably has as good a chance of being elected President as the substanceless ex-senator from North Carolina. He's been essentially unemployed since losing the 2004 election. Things could've been so much different, if only Cheney would have agreed to make the Vice Presidential debate a dance off, as Edwards wanted. I was getting tired of Edwards "all stories no ideas" platform halfway through the Democratic primaries last time, and I can't imagine people will put up with it again, although maybe I am naive to underestimate the average American's thirst for stories.
  • Barack Obama - Hold on, there, let's get him out of diapers first.

Tomorrow: Republicans!

Posted by mill1991 at 11:45 AM

June 9, 2005

Crazy dreams

I had the craziest dream last night, which I would like to share. Now, I know listening to other peoples' dreams can be boring, but not if they're mine. Nevertheless, I'll put it below the fold, so you can skip this entry if you'd like.

The first thing that happened was that I was in a coatroom, and Elaine Benes (the character from Seinfeld) started hitting on me relentlessly. As a Seinfeld viewer with a longtime crush on Elaine, I was well pleased. Except, during the interaction, I became aware of how ludicrous it is to be talking to a character (as opposed to an actress). So, I deduced that I must be schizophrenic, and as soon as I came to that conclusion, Elaine Benes disappeared, leaving only the coat she was wearing.

Now, that's already a somewhat weird dream, but the amazing thing is that the feeling of schizophrenia from that dream carried into other dreams. In the other dream, I was riding my bike on a gravel road alongside a rural highway, with a wooded area to the side of the road. All of a sudden, I started to wonder how I got there, and I freaked out because I couldn't remember. Now, this fact was really frustrating to me when I woke up, because one of the keys to having lucid dreams is to ask yourself periodically if you remember how you got somewhere. In this dream I noticed right away that I didn't know how I got on the bike, yet I still wasn't smart enough to realize I was dreaming. Had I figured out I was dreaming, I probably would've turned my bike into some sort of flying bicycle, or gone back to make love to Elaine Benes, but that is beside the point. What happened was that my feelings that I was somehow delusional (from my previous dream) caused me to think that I had blacked out, or taken on another persona during the missed time.

Then, my sister came and found me by the side of the road on her bike, and rode back home (our parent's home) with me. When I got back I asked her how I had gotten to where I was, and she started crying and said she didn't know, that my family thought I was going crazy. That part of the dream was weird, because I don't think my sister likes me enough to start crying over me (just kidding).

Also, there was some part of the dream where I went swimming in what I thought was a lake, and I'm pretty sure was a lake when I was in it. It was connected to another lake by another narrow little isle (like 2 feet wide). So I was swimming through this isle, when I saw a sign at the other lake that said it was raw sewage. Then I got out and toweled off the sewage. I think this is the point in the dream where I got on my bike.

Posted by mill1991 at 4:56 PM

June 8, 2005

Storm the Capitol! (or, weekend of organized binge drinking continued...)

Note: For an explanation of the nicknames used in this article, see the post directly below this one.

On Saturday morning we packed up and left Milwaukee at 11 AM for Madison, WI, for what has become known as Storm the Capitol! Basically it involves drinking in Madison. We were going to golf in the afternoon, but because of the forecasted rain, we decided to go play cards at the Union terrace, and drink, staying outside during non-raining periods. Before #1 Dad arrived, we decided that we would all take on ridiculous roles in the conversation, and see which one of us was figured out first. TJ said the opposite of whatever Dad did, I mentioned birds every time I spoke, The Wizard related everything to the weather, King Asshole spoke in mathematical equations, and Tone Loc only said "Whats up Al!" I'm proud to say that when #1 Dad found out what was going on, he declared me the winner for such gems as "Hey Tim, could you wing me another beer," and "Quoth the raven, nevermore."

After cards, we went to another student union to bowl. The teams were easy to set up, as we had 3 Marquette alums (God's team, despite the presence of a heathen) vs. 3 Wisconsin alums (Marx's team). MU won handily in the first two games, despite our beloved alma mater's current lack of a nickname, while UW won a meaningless third game. Both King Asshole and The Viscount of Scrots put together turkeys to garner shots of Wild Turkey, while for winning the game our team won Jagie-bomb shots. Unfortunately, by the time we got to the bars to get these shots, we were already pretty tired, so they were mostly nursed.

Okay, time to skip to the end of the night. Everybody was wasted. I was near our hotel, for reasons that alcohol has prevented from reaching my long term memory. Suddenly I see the Viscount of Scrots stumbling down State St, head mostly down, in the direction of our hotel. However, he was not going to the hotel. I'm pretty sure that, had I not stopped him, he would've kept stumbling until he hit the Capitol Building. But I did stop him, and attempted to corral him, but unfortunately I did not have a key to get into the room and put him to bed. Earlier in the night, when offered a key, I declined, because I tend to lose things (cellphones, digital cameras, shoes) when I go out. So, I had to call up the Peasant of Pap Smear in order to get a key.

At this point, the story is as was related to me later by the Peasant of Pap Smear. Apparently, when he arrived, I was holding the Viscount of Scrots up against a brick wall with a forearm to the chest (he has about 4 inches and 40 pounds on me, mostly muscle and scrot). I was also apparently being completely belligerent with him, because (I suppose) of mounting frustration at dealing with this mountain of a man. So we took him upstairs as I forcefully and sarcastically pushed the Viscount of Scrots into the elevator. At this point, he started saying our room number (321) repeatedly, as in "3! 2! 1! Contact!" Also, there were two girls in the elevator, both of whom were invited into our room with as much grace as a 200 pound drunken zombie can muster, as PoPS and I repeatedly told the girls to ignore our friend.

Okay that's the most interesting stuff I can remember, but I'm sure there are things I'm forgetting, so if any of the "Capitol Gang" would care to add, go ahead.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:42 AM

June 7, 2005

Fake names we used on Saturday Night

Lately, my friends started informally awarding a King Tipsy honor to the person least able to handle his alcohol when we go out. Before going out last Saturday, there was a flurry of activity on our e-mail list. It started when Jared declared that he was going for the double award of both King Tipsy and the award of King of Assholes, which he had just made up, and after that the floodgates opened as everyone gave themselves feudal nicknames, which we referred to each other by all Saturday night in Madison. I will record them here for posterity, with brief explanations where appropriate. I know I didn't get them all down, and I am going to kick myself when I hear the ones I forgot, because they are hilarious, but nobody e-mailed them to me, so here they are.

  • King Asshole - This one is for Jared, who was already one-half of the revered Euchre team "Team Asshole" with a legendary Green Bay Packer's Wide Receiver.
  • Viscount of Scrots - This was awarded to Tone Loc. Mind you, "Scrots" is pronounced with a long 'o'. It is in honor of a certain part of his body which is large enough to be its own fiefdom.
  • Peasant of Pap Smear - This was for the Wizard. It is completely nonsensical.
  • Duke of Awesome - This is me. One time when filling out a magazine subscription card, in the spot that said "Title," I put "Duke of Awesome," because I thought it would be cool to get magazines addressed to that name.
  • Prince of Sweetness - This is $, who once claimed to have been kicked out of a Green Bay bar because he was "too fuckin' sweet."
  • Count of Crunk - This name was given to TZ.
  • Earl of Inebriation - I think this was #1 Dad
  • Vassal of Asshole - This one went to T Joynt, not because he's anymore of an asshole than the rest of us, but because we were so proud of our cleverness in coming up with it, and he was the last person to get a nickname

Posted by mill1991 at 11:19 AM

June 6, 2005

Weekend of organized binge drinking

This past weekend I headed to visit some friends in Milwaukee and Madison. On Friday night we went downtown in Milwaukee, where there was a festival called Riversplash in which Water Street (the street in downtown Milwaukee with all the bars) is opened up and it becomes legal to buy and consume beer in the street. As far as I could tell, the legality of drinking outdoors is the only feature of this "festival." During the summer, it seems Milwaukee has a festival just about every weekend in which drinking in the streets is encouraged. Many of these festivals celebrate the variety of ethnic groups that call Milwaukee home. All that changes is the area of Milwaukee where it is legal to drink, and the ethnic flavor of the food sold by street vendors. And there are different hats.

Anyways, we went to a bar with an outdoor patio where we could sit and drink. While there, we hung out with Tone Loc's new (to us) girlfriend, who made a crucial blunder in overestimating the restraint of her beau's friends. When getting up to get herself another drink, she politely asked if anyone else would like a drink. She probably made the reasonable assumption that she would not be inundated with drink requests by people who barely knew her. However, that assumption proved to be way off, as she immediately saw 6 hands go up with widely varying drink requests.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:07 AM