September 22, 2005

I'm sorry for saying what I think...

Ryan Church, baseball player for the Washington Nationals, issued an apology the other day for statements he made regarding Jews. Specifically, he mentioned that his ex-girlfriend, who was Jewish, was going to hell. And then he mentioned that all other Jews are going to hell also.

The way I see it, his apology has one of two motivations behind it:

  1. Christianity really believes that everybody else is going to hell, and Church is only sorry that he said it out loud, rather than just thinking it. In this scenario, Church is sorry in the same way that you might be sorry if you meet someone with cancer and start talking about mortality rates. Sure, you're just speaking the truth, but it's kind of insensitive.
  2. Christianity doesn't really believe every other religion is going to hell. In this case, your best choice is to pick the religion that offers you the best benefit in your daily life, yet still gets you into heaven. There are a lot of factors to consider: How little money you can get away with donating, how much the rituals actually benefit you (for example, possible benefits of Buddhist meditation), how many good looking women attend their services, and most importantly, the minimal time committment. Regarding that last point, I always wondered what the fuck the Coptic people in Egypt and monks and shit are thinking. They pray for like 8 hours a day! And they're Christians just like all the lazy assholes in this country who go to church twice a year! And clearly all the extra prayer hasn't benefitted them in this world - those people are poor as shit!
Posted by mill1991 at 9:45 AM

September 21, 2005

Hilarious standup

This is a video of Andy Samberg, one of the new cast members of the upcoming season of Saturday Night Live, doing standup comedy. Absolutely hilarious. You can see more of his wit as part of the comedy group The Lonely Island. My favorite is "The 'Bu."

Update: I just realized that the full video of the standup is posted at the Lonely Island website. Here it is.

Posted by mill1991 at 8:01 PM

September 20, 2005

Morality at airport security

While waiting in London for airport security, I saw a woman skip ahead in line when one of those cloth ropes got disconnected. I could've skipped it myself, but then I thought, what would Jesus do? And then I realized that Jesus would just fuckin teleport, and I had to think for myself.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:18 PM

September 19, 2005

Fanning yourself is stupid.

Today's person who really annoys me: People who fan themselves with pieces of paper when it is extremely hot. Hey, great idea! I'm really hot, so why don't I perform a repetitive physical activity that will send 8-10 molecules of air moving across my face. The cooling effect can't possibly be more than the heating affect of moving around that much. How about this idea: instead of just getting air on your face, why don't you run at full speed for half an hour. Think of all the air that will be blowing across your whole body!
Posted by mill1991 at 10:14 PM

September 18, 2005

Why, I'm a doctor!

In the middle of a flight from London to Chicago, I started thinking maybe I should've gone to medical school. We were in the middle of watching the new Herbie movie, with Lindsay Lohan. It was the part where she was she was all depressed because she lost in a drag race to Matt Dillon's character, who was a Nextel Cup champion on the NASCAR circuit. Then, all of a sudden, the flight attendent said over the intercom, "If there is any passenger who is a medical doctor, could you please alert a flight attendent?" Apparently someone got sick on the plane, though I never found out what the condition was. I'm pretty sure it didn't involve vomiting, because on an 8 hour flight we would've found out eventually. Anyways, some guy got up and started talking to the flight attendant, and even though I never heard what he said, I could tell he was the doctor, and he was gonna heal some shit. And I instantly had this respect for him, like if I was a chick I'd totally want to bone him. But if I were him, I would be all dramatic, get up from my chair and, in a booming baritone, yell out "Why, I'm a doctor! What seems to be the problem?" Then people around me would be like, "You're supposed to tell a flight attendant, not everybody on the plane, showoff. We're trying to watch Herbie:Fully Loaded here." At this point my fantasy world falls apart, because I would trudge up to the front of the plane to administer care to the melodramatic a-hole who probably has, like, a broken arm or something stupid. Just wrap a towel around it, genius! I guess I forgot to travel with my instant bone repair kit! Fucking moron. And I would totally miss the end of Herbie, and never know whether Lindsay Lohan wins her first NASCAR race. I mean, it really had me quite on edge whether she could possibly win the final race of the movie as a plucky woman in a magic car that nobody gave a chance.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:05 PM

September 1, 2005

Non-worthless bumper stickers

I thought it would be good to get some of my good ideas down on paper, or internet, as it were. Usually what happens is I have a really good idea, and then 5 years later some big company has the same idea and makes oodles of money off of it. For instance, I had the idea for music you could download over the internet in 1987. That's right, bitches, when I was 6 years old. And I had the idea for Netflix while I was in the womb. That's before DVDs were even invented, motherfucker!

So my new good idea is about bumper stickers. I'll admit that I think bumper stickers are pretty worthless. In fact, they have negative worth because they take value away from your car and also make you look like a douche. No one cares to read a 5 word summary of your opinions thats stuck for some reason on your mode of transportation. So, my idea is to have the bumper stickers reflect the opinions of the car itself, were it to be a sentient being. Here are some of my preliminary ideas. And let me know if you see some big company stealing these.

  • 10W30 Rules!!!
  • I (heart) freeways
  • If you can read this, you must be a car with robotic vision
  • That's not a rust spot, it's a... oh, that? Yeah, that's a rust spot.
  • My other driver is a supermodel
  • I don't have political views, I'm a car. Sure, you might think that a car with enough sense to create bumper stickers and the dexterity to apply them to itself would also have the ability to have well-formed political views. Alas, this sticker was created by the owner of the car in a clever ruse.
That last one is a bit long, but I figure that can go on SUVs maybe, or on the side of stretch limosuines.
Posted by mill1991 at 8:29 PM