December 19, 2005

Did you know?

Mild depression is the only kind of depression that is also a kind of salsa.
Posted by mill1991 at 9:44 PM

The good ol' days

I miss the old days, when seeing a red laser dot meant that you were about to witness an assassination.
Posted by mill1991 at 4:21 PM

December 17, 2005

The greatest day ever

Yesterday I had the greatest day ever. First of all, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get a workout in, because I had a final to cram for and take, and a project to finish after that. But fate worked in my favor! I was able to get a workout in after all, when my car got stuck on a drift and I had to spend half an hour kneeling in dirty snow, jabbing at ice clumps under my car's chassis with a window scraper. All that jabbing and kneeling is great for the back, and I can sure feel it today! I also gained a lot of self esteem, as for the first half an hour, many people passed by without any offers of help at all. I must really look like I am in total control, and do not need help from anyone! What a great feeling.

The next great thing happened in the half an hour preceding my exam, when I was doing some final review in the lobby of the building where the final would be. Several of my classmates showed up, and they all started socializing loudly in the foyer! Socializing is great, especially right before an exam, when it helps to relax and forget about the material altogether.

After the exam, the most amazing thing happened: I learned the wonderful lesson that I need to study a LOT more, and I also learned quite a bit about the limits of my intellect! It's great everytime you learn something, especially something so important as these two facts.

It was now time to work on my project for another class, and I was excited to go get some dinner before I had to buckle down for the stimulating work. On my way to and from dinner, I ran into two different groups of colleagues, on their way to the bar to get drunk, and they invited me along! Yay! Of course, I had to say no to both of them, since I had lots of work to do on my project, but it's so exciting that my friends are all done with the semester and having so much fun!

The final great thing that happened was when I came home to find a horrible stench emanating from my apartment! I was sure that my toilet had exploded, and in the process, some of the porcelain shrapnel had started up the stove, which then started burning clumps of hair and dirty sweatsocks! But no, it was just some beans I had thrown away that morning. So that was great that it wasn't the exploding toilet/burning hair and socks thing, it was only beans, which had been perfectly fine smelling in the morning, becoming the most awful rancid refuse one can even imagine! What a great ending to a great day!

Posted by mill1991 at 4:12 PM

December 10, 2005

Christmas shopping tips

The holiday (oops, better say Christmas - I would hate to think I'm part of the assault on Christmas) shopping season is in full swing, and most of you are probably completely confused, because I have not yet issued my annual shopping guide. And I forgot to do one at all last year, so you probably didn't even realize it was Christmas. So, with no more ado, I present, in handy list form, this year's guide:
  1. Buying stuff for other people is stupid. I can barely afford to buy 3 soy lattes a day, and I'm supposed to shell out my not-hard-earned money for others? Plus, people always over-interpret the presents I get for them, like that time my girlfriend flipped out when I bought her a bathroom scale, and my parents read too much into the book I got them, "Why your religion is stupid." Anyways, now that I have scientifically proven that it is dumb to buy presents for other people, the rest of the list will be tips for shopping for things for yourself in the midst of the hordes of people who are buying things for others. You see, you already know that they're stupid (see item number one), and they're also fat (assuming the reader is in the USA), and they're also in hordes. These factors taken together mean that buying stuff for yourself during Christmas shopping season is almost as dangerous as challenging me to a jousting contest.
  2. Avoid electronics retailers during daytime and weekends. Electronic gadgets are hotter than ever, so stores like Best Buy and Circuit City are busier than ever. And while I appreciate their efforts to keep costs low by only having two cashiers working, it is somewhat frustrating to wait in a line for an hour to get a $9.99 CD. In between Thanksgiving and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day it is best to avoid Best Buy unless it is past 9:30 PM on a weeknight, and even then, it's safest to phone in a bomb threat ahead of time to make sure the store is clear.
  3. Shop on the internet - Shopping online can be a great way to avoid the hustle and bustle of "real world" shopping, plus it makes you feel like you live in the future. However, be careful - identify theft is possible whenever you enter your credit card information. To be safe, only use credit cards that you have stolen from others when you do your online shopping.
  4. Burn your receipts as soon as you get to the parking lot - Conventional wisdom says you should keep your receipts in case you need to take anything back. But the only thing more frustrating than dealing with other Christmas shoppers is dealing with other people taking things back in the days after Christmas. If you thought the lines to give the store money before Christmas were understaffed, just imagine how little incentive the store has to staff the lines where they give you your money back! Just burn your receipts and kiss the money goodbye. If you are unsatisfied with your product, just make up for it by stealing something from the store later.
Posted by mill1991 at 4:32 PM

December 2, 2005

Nixon resignation

Whenever someone does a Nixon impression, they do the hands up in the air in the peace sign and say "I am not a crook." Maybe instead of a peace sign, Nixon meant to be giving sarcastic hand quotes, and he didn't really mean to resign? So instead of saying "I resign this office," it's more like "Yeah, like I'm resigning this office." Just something to mull over.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:35 PM