January 29, 2006

Is this a joke version of Star Wars Episode III?

I think Netflix might have accidentally sent me the parody version of Star Wars Episode III. In this version, there are like 1000 scenes that are 30 seconds each, and in between every one is some sort of ridiculous transition, like the blinds flipping over, or a bunch of tiles turning over, or some other nonsense. It's like they used computers from the 22nd century to create the backgrounds and effects for all the scenes, and then they ran out of money and had to use Fisher Price's My First Filmmaker in order to cover all the transitions. And the dialogue! And the acting! This is the only one of the three prequels that got decent reviews, and it completely blows! That's why I think I got a joke version. There must be a real version where there is an explanation for why there is a military command code for "Execute the Jedi who is your superior commander," where Natalie Portman is playing a princess and not a semi-retarded person, and where there is some reason for Anakin Skywalker to become Darth Vader other than that he's kind of a dick.
Posted by mill1991 at 11:01 PM

January 26, 2006

Wrong disease

How come hypochondriacs never think they have hypochondria?
Posted by mill1991 at 5:50 PM

January 24, 2006

Rejected word of the year of the week

This week's rejected word of the year candidate: Wherefore. This is not a word I made up, but to be a word of the year, a word need not be new, it just needs to have been big that year. Make no mistake, even though this is a rejected word of the year, I plan on using this word plenty this year. Wherefore, you might ask? Well, first, I'll thank you for already adding it to your vocabulary. And to answer your question, because it's fun to talk like a Shakesperean character. Second, you probably already know that using big, specific, and relatively unknown words to speak very precisely can make you sound out of touch and over-educated. Well, this is a big word that doesn't even make your message any more precise, so people will know right away you are just a pretentious dick.

"Wherefore is this word rejected?" you might ask, clearly trying to impress me, although your efforts are growing tiresome. Well, as awesome as this word is, and as full of a resurgence as it will make, I'm not sure it reaches word of the year status. A word of the year needs to be on the pulse of the hot concepts of the year, e.g. "truthiness" from this past year. While I expect asking "why" to be a huge concept this year, it's sort of always been that way. There's never been a time where people were like,
"Why are we attacking this foreign country that has no relation to 9/11?"
"Hush, you! We're not asking 'why' questions this year."

Posted by mill1991 at 11:04 PM

January 18, 2006

Things I don't need to hear

  • "Remember when we were talking about factual matter blah and you said blah blah but I thought blah blah blah? It turns out you were right."
  • Look, I don't need to be told I was right. I already thought I was right, otherwise I wouldn't have said it. I don't go around knowingly holding false beliefs just for shits. And if I didn't know I wouldn't have claimed to, unlike you, jackass.
  • "I'd be lying if I said <some obviously false statement>."
  • Yeah, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to kick the next person in the neck who uses that expression when talking to me. This is one of the most asinine rhetorical devices I have heard recently. You know what really pisses me off? Other people are going to get sick of this expression too, except, unlike me, they're not just going to stop using it. Rather, they're just going to start using a "more clever" version like "I wouldn't be lying if I told you <some obviously true statement>." Actually, I think I've heard that used already, so prepare yourself to hear the inevitable evolution of the expression to "I wouldn't not be untruthful if I didn't not tell you <some obviously false statement>." ARRRRGHHH!
  • "We've really been blessed by <Some obviously imaginary deity>"
  • It really bothers me when religious people who have good fortune in life claim that the god they worship is responsible for personally blessing them. Because for every believer who has a good life, there are hundreds who don't have shit. So how fucking full of yourself do you have to be to think that you're somehow better than all those people? You're not special, you're just lucky. Deal with it.
Posted by mill1991 at 2:46 PM

January 16, 2006

The battle for 2006 word of the year begins now!

The naming of the 2005 word of the year, "truthiness", introduced to popular culture by Stephen Colbert, started off a firestorm of controversy, leading to a lot of publicity for all those involved, as well as some serious academic research. In light of my love for making up new words (see here), as well as my insatiable apetite for publicity, I've decided to unveil my submissions for 2006 word of the year. I'll start with some of the rejects, but feel free to add these to your vocabulary, since many of them are still better than most other words.

Techtard - This word refers to people like great-grandparents, the Amish, and most of my friends, who struggle with modern technology. People who are confused by non-AOL internet, have never heard of MySpace, and refuse to use any abacus made of synthetic materials. So why is it rejected? While this is a fun word, it doesn't roll off the tongue too nicely, it may be offensive to the mentally challenged (since they are generally more intelligent than techtards), and there are already plenty of creative words available for insulting people.

Posted by mill1991 at 2:58 PM

January 5, 2006

Top ten songs of the year 2005

At the end of every year, many bloggers make "Best of" lists. Now that it's the beginning of 2006, I'm a little behind the trend, but that is not a rare occurrence, as one look at my drawer full of Zubaz makes clear. When I had the idea to make a ten best songs of 2005 list, I was conflicted. On the one hand, every entry that I write is genius and will undoubtedly be loved by all of my adoring readers. On the other hand, I don't like my blog to include any serious facts or opinions, so it could be too much of a stretch for me to tell you what songs I actually like. So, to compensate, and to avoid redundancy, I've tried to include in every entry a hilarious new way to say "awesome". I'm not sure I'll actually get to 10, but here's what I got:
  1. Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day - Illinois - After all the hype this album got, I can't believe it took me so long to check it out. But I did, and this song is the best of the bunch. The harmonies in this song are so uplifting, it's like you're getting a hand-job from an angel.
  2. The Stars - Calendar Girl - Set Yourself on Fire - This is one song on the CD where the female singer in the group takes over, and the results are write-home-aboutable. So, take that, everybody who said that females were only good for cooking, cleaning, drumming, and playing the President of the USA on a fictional television series.
  3. Some By Sea - Never Climb a Mountain Backwards - The Saddest Christmas EP - This up-and-coming all over your face west-coast band really blew me with this last release. Stay in and buy it now! Or at least go listen to it! I mean on the Internet!
  4. Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine - Extraordinary Machine - After a long wait, Sony allowed Fiona Apple to release her third studio album, and I was able to end my asphyxiation strike. That's right, some pussies (cough! Gandhi cough!) stop eating to prove a point, well motherfucker I stopped breathing! So it's no small compliment when I tell you that this song left me breathful.
  5. Decemberists - The Mariner's Revenge Song - Picaresque - This epic 8+ minute tale of sorrow and vengeance is just one of many memorable tracks from the Decemberists latest album. You can almost feel the ship swaying in the waves and the spray of the ocean mist on your face, until you wake up and realize you've passed out in the bathtub with the shower on again.
  6. Bright Eyes - First Day Of My Life - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning - This poignant love song was accompanied by a heart-warming video showing loving couples listening to the song together. Some of them were gay! How novel! If you are in a happy relationship, hearing this song will make your heart swell with warm emotions for your lover. If you are not in a relationship, this song will push you into a dark, dark, depression until you put your Decemberists record back on and resume your one-man pirate opera.
  7. Hot Hot Heat - Goodnight, Goodnight - Elevators - Sure, it's short enough that if you sneeze during the record you'll miss it, but this song is everything the parents of dance-punk could have hoped for when dance-punk was just a bratty high school freshman wearing eyeliner and a spiked choker necklace.
  8. Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance - From Under the Cork Tree - Okay, I'm a little embarrassed to even own a Fall Out Boy record, let alone tell people about my love for one of their songs. But this song is more fun than a rabid cougar and it won't do as much damage to your shower products!
  9. Joanna Newsom - Inflammatory Writ - The Milk-Eyed Mender - When I showed my sister and her friend Nick my Joanna Newsom desktop background image, I explained that she was my "celebrity crush," and Nick said, "I think you could probably get her." So Joanna, if you happened to Google yourself (and I mean that in a non-sexual way), and found this blog posting, I am available and interested (24/M/Minneapolis). Anyways, usually when I fall in love with a new band, I can't believe that everybody else doesn't also love that band. But Newsom's music is somewhat avant garde, and most of you lovable oafs and blundering idiots wouldn't get it. But this song, I think everybody in the world should love, and make into your ringtone. DO IT!
  10. Sondre Lerche - Track You Down - Two Way Monologue - It's hard to pick the one song on this Swedish crooner's second CD that I loved the most, but I'll go with this one. If you are having company over that you would like to become intimate with, and are looking for something a little more subtle than Barry White or "Let's Get It On," this song would be a good starting point. I guess it does have kind of a stalker-sounding title though, so don't be like, "This song is about what I would do if you ever tried to leave me." I'm not sure, because I never did any kind of lyrical exegesis of the song, but I don't think it's about hardcore after-school-special-style stalking.
Posted by mill1991 at 11:29 PM

January 4, 2006

This shampoo bottle looks like it was raped by a rabid grizzly bear! or How to tell if my sister has used your shower products

I went home over Christmas break and had to use the same shower as my beloved sister. While there, it became obvious that she was using my shower gel. In case you are wondering if maybe my sister is using your shower gel, here are some tell tale signs:
  • The lid will be off the bottle. Not only will it be off, but it will have seemingly been flung off with maximum distaste, as if she was making an effort to break the world's record for shortest shower and could not be bothered to open the lid like someone who wasn't a raging cougar.
  • There will be gunk all over the lid and the hole where the product is supposed to come out. To look on the bright side, you won't be needing to use that hole for a while, as you can get enough gel for a fortnight of showers just by using the gunk accruing on the top of the bottle.
  • The bottle will be half full of water. Due to the aforementioned lid being off, water from all recent showers will have gone into the bottle, as if it was funneled directly in there by someone whose hatred of my shower products is so pure it makes Al Qaeda's attitude towards the West look like mild annoyance. Out of frustration, you will give the bottle a really good squeeze to get the seeming gallons of water out, only to squeeze too hard and end up with a humongous pile of gel on nature's lather builder.
  • The bottle will be completely empty in three days. I don't know what she is doing with such high volumes of shower gel. Maybe, because it has such a pleasant aroma, she thinks it will also be delicious and is drinking it. That might explain why she was really really wasted with terrific breath.
So these are some ways you can tell if my sister is using your shower products, or if your shower has been devastated by a tropical storm of category 4 or higher. How can you prevent this from occurring? One way is to put Mr. Ick stickers on all your products - this should at least prevent her from drinking them. Other than that, you're on your own.
Posted by mill1991 at 7:32 PM