February 26, 2006

I am going to slam dunk a basketball

Yes, you read that correctly. I am going to slam dunk a regulation size men's basketball into a regulation height (10') basketball hoop without any outside help. No trampolines, no special shoes, no surgically enhanced achilles tendons. Okay, I might get calf implants, but purely for aesthetic reasons (my unsightly calves are the only thing standing between myself and total physical perfection). From now until the end of this upcoming summer, I am going to devote myself completely to accomplishing the goal of raining down a fury of orange leather on anyone who tries to guard me in the paint. I presume you have a number of questions at this point, which I will now answer to prevent you from talking:
  1. Why make slam dunking a basketball your goal?
  2. Last summer I had the goal of growing more facial hair, but it turns out that I don't really have all that much control over that function. So I thought of doing something where the harder I worked, the more likely I would be to accomplish it. My next idea was to do a marathon, since I'm already a runner. But that's a long ways to run, and just training runs can take upwards of an hour a day. Since I am quite lazy, that was out of the question. But with an anaerobic task, I can do my training in short bursts at my convenience. Also, I believe that slam dunking a basketball will increase my reproductive fitness and allow me to spread my seed more effectively.
  3. Aren't you a sub-six foot white guy?
  4. Yes, I am. But if I were a 6'6" black dude, then this wouldn't exactly be worth talking about. I would just go do it, without bothering to blog about it. If I were the 6'6" black dude, I might blog instead about becoming really good at curling or something.
  5. Aren't you, like, not even that athletic for a white guy?
  6. What? You don't have to be mean about it. But to answer your question anyways, asshole, I am quite athletic. If you doubt me, I invite you to challenge me to a pushup contest, anytime, anyplace. But back to the matter at hand. I believe that dunking is probably close to the limits of my athleticism. But I could be wildly overconfident - it certainly wouldn't be the first time. That is what makes this goal interesting.
  7. What makes you think you have a chance?
  8. A basketball coach once told me that the best way to improve leaping ability is to just practice jumping. So I tried it for a week or so in high school, and I increased my vertical by like 6 inches in that short time. A simple calculation shows that by the end of a whole summer of training, I will be able to jump clear over the entire hoop. And that was when I was just a kid, when my total inventory of facial hair could be counted on my hands. Now that I'm a 24-year old man (with double digit numbers of facial hairs), there is no doubt my strapping physique is up to the task.
Over the next several months, I will periodically measure my progress and post reports on this site. Also, to make it interesting, I would like to involve money. Probably everybody that knows me that reads this will think that this task is impossible. So it is a very safe bet. Here is the bet: You put up whatever amount of money you are comfortable with losing. If the unthinkable happens, if I should fail at my task, then the money will be donated to a charity of your choice. If I succeed, however, you must give me the money, which I will either donate to a charity of my choosing, or use as a down payment on my calf implants.

Posted by mill1991 at 2:43 PM

February 20, 2006

Clothing review: USA boxer shorts

Today, I will review a clothing item, American flag boxer shorts.

Pros:

  • What better way to profess your love for this great country than to wear its symbol as close to your genitals as possible?
  • At 4th of July celebrations, one can show up everyone else by wearing tearaway pants over your USA manties, and at the perfect moment, jumping out into the middle of the crowd, and tearing off your pants to reveal your patriotism in underpants form.
Cons:
  • Not allowed to let them touch the ground - this can really kill the moment if you are tearing off clothing in the heat of passion.
  • You need to get a Boy Scout to help you fold them into that nice triangle shape every time you are done laundering them.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:00 AM

February 10, 2006

How to be a real man, like me

So, the metrosexual fad seems to be fading. Women are realizing that they don't need their men to be whiny and self involved, because they already have that role covered. If you want to become an ex-metro, and there aren't any conversion centers in your neighborhood, don't worry. I am a man's man, and some would even call me a man's man's man. So here are some steps you can take to stop being a metrosexual and be more like me, a red blooded, stone cold, walking, talking, pillar of masculinity.

1) Don't let anyone tell you what to do
Real men don't take orders from anybody, with the exception of men in the military, because they take orders all the time, and what are you saying? That they're not real men? Well, fuck you, traitor. Anyways, back to my point: Civilian real men don't take orders from anybody. For instance, the other day, I was doing my laundry, and the sign on the washing machine said, "Don't overfill", but I still had a few pairs of colored socks left in my basket. At this point, you're probably wondering why on earth I have so many pairs of colored socks, so I should explain: I wear colored socks every day, because I don't like the way that white socks look with jeans, and who wears khakis this year? Anyways, as a real man, I don't listen to anyone, especially a washing "machine", so I threw those socks right in there.

2) Be self sufficient
Whiny half-men go crying with all of their problems to others, while real men aren't afraid to roll up their sleeves and get dirrrty. As an example, last week a tear developed in my duvet cover when I was cutting out some stencils while sitting in bed, and I got a little careless with a razor. Now, a helpless girlie-man might go running for help to his mom or girlfriend (if he even has one, hah!). But a real man doesn't need help from anyone, so I got out my sewing kit and stitched that bad boy up! And after I figured out how to do that, I was so inspired I went and sewed some patches from my old kitschy t-shirts into the back of a jean jacket! If you want a step-by-step I might post it later :). The point is, I did it myself, and if you want to be a real man, you have to learn to support yourself.

3) Don't obsess over appearance
One of the hallmarks of the metrosexuality fad is an obsession over physical appearance. But real men don't spend hours and hours getting their hair perfect and deciding exactly what to wear. I'm a real man, and I don't spend too long on my hair. I buy "Just out of bed" chunking cream and apply it while my hair is moist, not wet, and I can be done with that natural look in as little as 15 minutes. It's only $25 for a week's worth, and it saves me so much time! Take that, you metro wussies! And as far as taking too long to decide what to wear, I can't believe that some prissy little femi-men still do that. What I've done is built a database of my entire wardrobe, split into pants, shirts, shoes, socks, manties, and accessories. Every day I enter in the database what I've worn, along with my personal mood, weather conditions, schedule for the day, people I might run into, and approximate maximum required walking distance for the day. Using a simple machine learning algorithm (exponentiated gradient descent - I know, I went real simple), I simply find the optimal outfit every morning when I wake up. It takes about 15 minutes to run on the University supercomputer (sorry, bioinformatics! You'll have to wait in line!), but I start it before I shower, and then by the time I get out, I already know what I'm going to wear.

Now you've seen that it isn't too difficult to rejoin the ranks of the masculine, even if you have been previously seduced by the beautiful siren song of metrosexuality. Follow these simple tips, and you can be a real man, just like me.

Posted by mill1991 at 6:18 PM

February 5, 2006

Steve Novak draft prospects

A reader asks:
Tim, I know you don't typically address sport related topics, but in what round of the NBA draft will Steve Novak (a fine Marquette basketballer) be drafted? (The main reason for this post is so that when the world Googles "Steve Novak NBA" this site will be #1. (see Diener post)) GO MARQUETTE!!!
First, I would like to thank #1 Dad for ending the comment drought that my blog has experienced recently. Second, I appreciate your efforts to get my site noticed by Google. And at this point I'm going to use the word "girlfriend", because in my site logs I notice that people coming to my Travis Diener post from Google often used the query "Travis Diener girlfriend".

But enough of that, on to the question. I think Novak will be drafted in the second round. "Wherefore the second round?" you might ask. "Isn't he 6'10" with a killer J?" So he is. But who is he going to guard? The short answer is nobody.

It will be interesting to see what happens with him. But even more exciting is the Marquette team this year! Who ever thought they would be doing this well? I wouldn't have guessed that they would have this record even if they had Butch Lee back in uniform. Because he's like 50.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:16 PM

Misheard

Person 1: "You know who's a good tennis player? Andy Roddick."
Person 2: "Do I know anyone who's a good tennis player and erotic? Umm... not really."
Posted by mill1991 at 4:42 PM