April 28, 2006

Today is the worst day of my life

Well, I just heard back from the people at Chevrolet, who had previously contacted me to do a commercial for them. Here is what they said, along with my sentence by sentence reaction:
On behalf of Chevy and the all new 2007 Tahoe, we’d like to thank you for your outstanding effort in the Chevy Online Apprentice contest.
Oooh... they're starting out by thanking me! That's a good sign!
The commercial you submitted was strong...
Yes! Yes! Yes! Fortune and fame, here I come! Save me a chair at the fanciest strip club in Hollywood, I'm on my way!
...but, after careful deliberation, we’ve decided to go in another direction.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Another direction? What the fuck does that mean? Into the ground, that's the direction they're going by rejecting my glorious commercial.
...take a look at the five finalists for some insight on which commercials caught the judges’ eyes.
Okay, in all seriousness, I looked at the finalists, and they all blow. Obviously they wouldn't select a commercial that claimed their vehicle was superior to Jesus Christ (as mine did). But, given the limitations of the tool they released to create the commercials, I think parody commercials have the highest potential quality.
Posted by mill1991 at 2:15 PM

April 25, 2006

Cool tattoo

Okay, that may sound like an oxymoron, but this tattoo is pretty dope. I found this at Boing Boing
Posted by mill1991 at 6:07 PM

April 23, 2006

I don't blame you for doubting me but I shall prevail!

I had the following conversation with my friend Ludacrits at a bar in Green Bay last weekend.

Luda: So what are you doing this summer?
Me: I'm going to slam dunk a basketball. [Ed: The original conversation was not hyperlinked]
Luda: (Incredulous laughter)
Me: Why don't you think I can do it?
Luda: Because you're a sub-six foot white guy.
Me: Have you been reading my blog?
Luda: No.
Me: Because I already addressed that concern on there. Well, do you want to put some money on..
Luda (interrupting): Yeah, I'll bet you $100 you can't do it.
Me (continuing): ... it for charity?
Luda: For charity? No thanks.

He had the #2 concern I originally listed almost verbatim! How well do I know my friends?

Posted by mill1991 at 6:57 PM

April 22, 2006

I am an ass

Girl next to me at coffeeshop: Are you going to be here for, like, 7 minutes?
Me: Yeah, I was going to stay for at least 9 more minutes.
Posted by mill1991 at 6:38 PM

April 20, 2006

Slam Dunk: First things first

Becoming a great athlete takes a lot of hard work and dedication. The best athletes in the world are those who are able to sacrifice the most in order to reach the top. Or else they use illegal performance-enhancing drugs. But I will not use drugs! Besides my allergy medicine.

This series on my attempt to slam dunk a basketball is more than just a hard-hitting piece of gonzo journalism, more than just shameless self exploitation, and more than a documentation of potentially the greatest athletic achievement in the history of mankind. I also view it as a sort of running "Howto" document, for anyone who would like to achieve athletic greatness, but especially for the children. Millions of little Wingamaniacs out there have been following my career closely, buying my "Wingamaniac" merchandise, and starting their own blogs, which, while cute, are not nearly as polished and hilarious as mine.

This document is a description of the baseline life choices one needs to commit to before embarking on an historic fitness and strength regime like I'm about to. Many of my readers have asked for excruciating detail, and they shall be satisfied. Here are some tough choices I've made:

  • Aerobic training
  • This can be troubling, since I want to accomplish my goals easily, but it's crucial. So in light of its importance, it is worth the effort. What I do is fit this into my regular routine by walking to work (when I miss the bus), taking the stairs (when the elevator is broken), and running several times a week (when I am being chased by wild birds).
  • Strength training
  • I mentioned in the original post that I would just practice leaping, because that would be easy. But in fact, it's not quite that easy. What I recommend is that you put peppy music on repeat, get together multiple changes of athletic clothes, and for each one of those outfits, do a small number of reps of an odd-looking but effective exercise while filming yourself. The important thing is, for the first 9 months, I am not allowed to touch a basketball. I don't know why this is, but in sports movies that sort of thing tends to work.
  • Drinking in moderation
  • Scientists say that having a serving of beer or wine each day is good for your heart. I did some preliminary research during my 4 years of undergraduate work on compressing those 7 drinks into a single night (Friday). My unpublished results show that this regimen has negative effects on athletic ability, although a positive effect on social ability.
  • Refrain from sexual activity immediately before the event
  • As a graduate student in computer science with a large catalogue of science fiction DVDs who's a huge asshole, this will be quite difficult. But! It's very important. World class athletes say that sex before athletic activity can cause you to "lose your edge". Scientists have not yet discovered what this "edge" consists of, but they're pretty sure it's found in spunk.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:36 PM

April 19, 2006


They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but I bet they also mixed in some of the blood of the sinners.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:30 AM

April 2, 2006

How to drive like a man

In high school I took driver's education classes at night at a driving center in my neighborhood. They give you a nice general overview of how to drive, and it also gives you an opportunity to spend some more time with that cute girl from your trig class with the early onset adult breasts, although you will never get the courage to talk to her because you are six inches shorter than her and also a huge loser. Hypothetically, I'm saying. Anyways, back to the drivers ed. While they tell you about all the rules, and how to pass your driver's exam, what they don't tell you is that driving can be optimized based on your station in life. You see, as an American, it is your right, nay, your duty, to create as many superfluous driving opportunities as possible, and it is important to optimize the experience.

So I present here a drivers guide for young, single, childless males who are poor. Really, it's for any economic classes, because all men should drive like they're poor, because spending a ton of money on your car is really a waste - you should not be pouring money into a vehicle just as a misguided attempt at achieving status. Unless, of course, you're involved with women who are really into cars, in which case, you need to drop her like a bad transmission. Anyways, here are my tips:

  • Take all curves at the maximum possible speed.
  • Some people will take a sharp curve by slowing down almost all the way, and then only speeding up as they feel comfortable. As a young male with no children to protect, and potential mates to impress, it is vitally important that you do the exact opposite. Assume that you can take the curve at full speed, or even while accelerating, and only brake within a split second of tires sliding just off the road. That way, you can get where you want to slightly faster, get good use out of your tire tread, and, most importantly, get a feel for the performance capabilities of your car in case you are ever using it to flee at high speeds from nazis or robot tanks.
  • Only fill up with gasoline after the gas light has come on.
  • When that light comes on, you still have like a gallon or two left, which is at least 20 miles unless you drive some sort of tank. Once the light is on, then you start keeping your eyes open for gas stations with the lowest prices, and don't find one until you are satisfied. Try to find one reliably cheap seller and become a regular. Personally, I fill up at a place that keeps prices low by only accepting cash and also you have to refine the oil yourself. Its not easy, or safe, and the fumes kill brain cells by the thousands, but its ten cents cheaper per gallon.
  • Be extremely cheap with car maintenance.
  • Your car's manufacturer probably recommends that you change your oil every 3000 miles. But those guys are totally in bed with the oil change guys, and they're not just lying there holding each other, they're humping like rabbits. So only get your oil changed every 30,000 miles. And when you do go in, they're going to try to "upsell" you, just like they do at fast food restaurants, by telling you you need a new air/oil filter/tube/basin. So, no matter what they say you need to replace, react by looking furious and saying "What?! I just replaced that yesterday at the Rolls Royce dealership." Because even if you don't drive a Rolls Royce, they probably do quality work at their dealerships, assuming they exist. Then the person at JiffyLube will feel really bad and if you play your cards right you can probably score a date with his sister.
  • Use your car as a free storage facility
  • Some people keep all their "stuff" in their apartments, and the only things in their car are things they are transporting, or things they need for their car. These people are not thinking outside the box. But the problem is much worse than that, as most of these people do not even realize that they are inside a box, but rather think of it as a kind of spheroid with a wavy texture, which is way off. You need to think of your car as a second home on wheels, a "mobile home", so to speak. Keep as much junk in it as possible, and cover it up with blankets, because then it protects it from thieves, who will be like, "What's in this car? Oh, nothing but a huge pile of blankets probably."
Posted by mill1991 at 11:22 PM