May 24, 2006

Immigration politics

In light of all the news about possible new immigration policy, it is important to remember that mmigrants can do anything!

Posted by mill1991 at 10:23 PM

May 14, 2006

Ask Tim: Am I an alcoholic?

A reader asks:
In high school one of our teachers gave us a list of criteria to determine if you were an alcoholic. But now, as a college student, they seem awfully harsh. Can you tell me how I can tell if I am an alcoholic?
No problem, anonymous reader! Here are some example cases so that you can tell whether you are an alcoholic or someone whose life is worth living.

If you come home everyday after work to your apartment and have a six-pack, you are an alcoholic and you need to seek help.
If you come home everyday after work to your apartment and have a six-pack with your roommates, you are not an alcoholic, you are a social drinker.

If you drink the same inexpensive beer 4 or more days of a week, then you are an alcoholic and you need to seek help.
If you drink a different expensive beer 4 or more days a week, then you are not an alcoholic, you are a connoisseur and you are worthy of admiration.

If you are drinking in the street in the middle of the day, you are an alcoholic and you need to seek help.
If you are drinking in the street in the middle of the day, and are in one of New Orleans, Las Vegas, or Mexico, you are not an alcoholic, you are a tourist, one of the driving forces of our economy.

If you woke up in the gutter with a wine bottle in your hand, wearing puke- and urine-stained clothes, and haven't showered in a week, you are an alcoholic and you need to seek help.
If you woke up in the gutter with a wine bottle in your hand, wearing puke- and urine-stained clothes, haven't showered in a week, and are currently enrolled in a four-year college or university, you are not an alcoholic, you are a college student, the future of our great country.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:05 PM

May 9, 2006

My band

I always wanted to be in a rock band. A lot of people say that, and follow it with, "But I don't have any musical talent." But my problem is much more subtle. I had a very easy childhood. My parents are great, everything in my life has pretty much been given to me, and also I'm not a melodramatic fuckhead who makes a big emotional deal about every stupid little thing. As a result I don't have anything interesting to write songs about. For a while I thought maybe that very lack of things to write about could be just the burden that could be my muse, but upon further reflection I realized that meta-angst is just not that compelling.

And it's really unfortunate, because I constantly find myself coming up with great band and song names. Let me throw a few at the wall for you, see what sticks.

Band names with most likely musical genre (obviously, since there's like 17 million bands, some of these names are taken, but I didn't steal them):

  • FAS (emo-core/grunge)
  • Bun of a Stitch (ska)
  • Ha ha your mom is dead (avant-garde pop)
  • Splintered diamond (speed metal)
  • Some White Guy (techno/industrial bluegrass fusion)

Now, on to the song names. A good song name should tell you what the song's about, but not give away the whole story, because it has to lure you in. One would think that adding swear words would make them cooler, but this makes it harder to get played on the radio, as the Backstreet Boys found out when they first released "I Want It That Way" by its original title, "You're Fucking-Ay Right I Want It That Way." I have categorized these by subject matter: First, party songs.

  • Ha ha your mom is dead
  • Anything you can do, I can do while looking cooler
  • Why does the last song on every CD I own put me to sleep? (this would obviously be the last song on the CD, and it would be the loudest, fastest 2 minute shot of aural adrenaline the earth has ever seen)
Now, for some love songs:
  • Girl, please stop hitting me
  • Is that a rape whistle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
  • (The best love songs always have) Parentheses in the title
  • I don't see why I can't love you and your sister
Okay, those weren't that good. But here are some really good country song titles:
  • It's raining sideways (in my heart)
  • Quiver of guitars (This one has Toby Keith's name all over it)
  • Sore Right Wrist (Bowling injury blues)
And there you have it, a solid selection of band and song names. Sometimes I just cannot fathom how amazing I am.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:45 AM