November 29, 2007

Cigar Football

In an earlier comment, #1 Dad made a reference to "Cigar Football". I thought this would be a good place to get down the rules, since there was some disagreement about them this year.

First of all, to the uninitiated, Cigar Football is a burgeoning new annual Thanksgiving tradition, less well known than Turkey Bowl but better known than the tradition of punching a bread turkey until your knuckles bleed. The game is played Friday morning after Thanksgiving dinner, before Turkey Bowl in a small grass field in Green Bay. The rules are basically the rules of 2-hand touch football, except everyone must be smoking a cigar during the game.

Because cigars do not last forever, this game is usually somewhat short, sometimes played to 5 touchdowns, but the number can vary based on cigar size, player stamina, time constraints, number of players with torn ACLs, etc. The important part of the rules has to do with the cigars themselves.

In summary:

  • During the game, a player's cigar must stay lit at all times.
  • On offense, a player may never remove his cigar. Penalty for violation is loss of down.
  • On defense, a player may remove the cigar between plays only.

At any time, incidental contact may cause a player's cigar to fall out, or become unlit. It is that player's responsibility to call attention and get his cigar re-lit during the next stoppage in play. If, at some point during the game, a player calls for a "Cherry check", and your cigar is unlit, your team may be penalized one down (-1 down on defense, +1 down on offense).

Tips for maximal Cigar Football enjoyment:

  • Sickly or handicapped players may be allowed to play all time quarterback.
  • In the case of a deep pass to the endzone, you may be tempted to face-guard the tree. But a tree cannot catch touchdowns. STAY ON YOUR MAN, NATHAN! I mean, in general.
  • It is important to have fun, and not get too worked up over winning and losing. Without this attitude, people like Nathan would never have any fun.
  • You may be covered by your friend's 60-year-old dad, who is a bit of a dirty player. Shove him to the ground on the first play. The penalty is worth it just to let him know who's in charge.
Posted by mill1991 at 2:00 PM

November 28, 2007

The Thrilling Conclusion to "The Laundry Room Bandit"

"But," said Tim, "If the Laundry Room Bandit is stealing everyones clothing but mine, then the Laundry Room Bandit must be...," BANG! Just as he was coming to his regretful discovery, he was shot through the gut from behind. Onlookers peered through the gaping hole in Tim's torso at the real Laundry Room Bandit, some guy named Dave.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:04 AM

November 21, 2007

Cohabitation prank idea

This morning when I woke up, I turned over the sheets as usual, and was surprised to see a guitar pick laying on my bed. And this gave me a really good idea for a prank if you normally sleep with another person.
  1. Purchase a whimsical costume or accessory. For example, a Star Trek uniform, a blacksmith's hammer, or full-body chainmail.
  2. Shortly before your alarm goes off (and your sleeping partner wakes up), retrieve your accessory and put it on.
  3. Lay back down in bed and pretend to sleep.
  4. When your alarm goes off, wait for your significant other to wake up and notice your odd accoutrements.
  5. When you are awoken, look at your strange apparel in awe and amazement, and exclaim, "So it wasn't a dream!"
  6. For the rest of your life, never reveal that it was a prank.
Posted by mill1991 at 8:16 PM

November 20, 2007

A study in contrasting coaching styles

Watching the Marquette vs. Oklahoma State basketball game tonight, I couldn't help but notice a stylistic difference between the two head coaches. Allow me to illustrate with annotated images.

Tom Crean: Looks like he wants to kill somebody.

Sean Sutton: Looks like he's thinking about where to hide the knife.

Posted by mill1991 at 8:40 PM