September 19, 2005

Fanning yourself is stupid.

Today's person who really annoys me: People who fan themselves with pieces of paper when it is extremely hot. Hey, great idea! I'm really hot, so why don't I perform a repetitive physical activity that will send 8-10 molecules of air moving across my face. The cooling effect can't possibly be more than the heating affect of moving around that much. How about this idea: instead of just getting air on your face, why don't you run at full speed for half an hour. Think of all the air that will be blowing across your whole body!
Posted by mill1991 at 10:14 PM

August 30, 2005

Let me carry that for you...

Today's person who annoys me: guy who is eager to carry things around. It doesn't matter if a pillow needs to be moved 6 inches, he will pick it up over his head with a quick motion, walk it over to it's destination, and set it down again, exhaling loudly as he sets it into position. While the rest of us are pushing things around with moderate effort, he goes beyond the call of duty to make sure that not only will things be moved, but also he is strong.

Don't get me wrong - I would be this guy if I could. I stopped trying in about third grade, when I realized that the "strong guy" path had about as much promise as soy-based bacon. So, I wisely diverted my efforts into the "smart guy" path, as well as the "guy who fakes crying to get his own way" path. Okay, sometimes I was actually crying.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:22 PM

February 25, 2005

Taking things too literally

Today's person who annoyed me: People who use the word "literally" when they clearly cannot be speaking literally.

Example: "It is literally 1000 degrees in the hot tub." Oh really? Well, I'm literally about to rip your arm off and beat you with it.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:25 AM

February 23, 2005

Really really really really really really really annoying me about you, you see

Today's person that annoyed me: The woman in front of me in line at Noodles who ordered buttered noodles.

What is the point of going to a restaurant if you are going to order buttered noodles? That's like watching The Matrix, with commercials, on TBS when you already own the DVD. That's like going to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and passing up a drink from the chocolate river because you just had a chocolate Slim-Fast. It's like deciding you want a pet but are content with the bacteria that digest food in your stomach. Buttered noodles is to pasta what a toothless midget is to prostitution. Ordering buttered noodles at a restaurant is like going to a Three Tenors concert and requesting "Row, row, row your boat." Even if they were to sing it in round form with three part harmony, it's still not that great. The only reason it's on the menu is so that if a guy wants to go out to eat with his retarded brother, there is something on the menu his brother can be convinced to eat.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:32 AM

November 30, 2004

Half-jogger guy

Today's entry in people who annoy me: Half-jogger guy. You think you're so helpful. When I approach the crosswalk at Rainbow in my car, you'll try to make it look like you're really hurrying across. You'll pick up your feet a little higher, pump your arms in an exaggerated fashion while tilting your back slightly backwards, and turn your face to me in a pained expression to let me know you're really putting in quite an effort. Well, too bad, half-jogger guy, I'm not buying it, and nobody else is either.
Posted by mill1991 at 9:06 PM

November 11, 2004

Take your time

Today's entry in people that annoy me: Preemies. What's the fucking rush?
Posted by mill1991 at 8:46 AM

November 10, 2004

Justin Guarini you are NOT

This is the first entry in what I hope will be a very prolific category: People that annoy me.

Men who have hairstyles like Justin Guarini from season one of American Idol really annoy me. You see, before Justin came along, nobody really wore this haircut, with one exception: my friend Novo. This haircut, called the Caucafro (well, for Justin it might be a Mulafro), is not easy to pull off. Yet Novo did it with a pizzazz and flair that only he could muster.

Now, every fourth frat boy is trying to pull off a caucafro, and frankly, it looks stupid. People underestimate the amount of care that goes into this haircut, as well as the largeness of the personality required. It seems people think that wearing this hairstyle will make them cool. Unfortunately, it works the other way around. You must be the very epitome of charisma in order for it to have a chance. I can understand the confusion: seeing cool people wear the haircut, one might be tempted to think that the haircut caused the coolness, but that is simply backwards.

Posted by mill1991 at 6:07 PM