June 13, 2005

Election 2008

Our current cognitively disabled commander-in-chief was just inaugurated a few months ago, and already there is plenty of talk about the next presidential election. In fact, it is possible to already forecast the most likely contenders from both Republican and Democratic primary fields. Some pundits say it is too early to even consider the next presidential election, since it is too far away. What these well-intentioned people are forgetting is that in the last election, a large chunk of people were undecided up until the day of the election. Clearly these retards need as much time as possible, so I'm going to start analyzing the field right now. And fucking-ay, how about you morons make up your minds a little earlier this time. I mean, Christ, you're 18, pick a fucking ideology already.

Democrats

  • Hillary Clinton - If elected, it would be the first U.S. election of a woman president, the first president to be the spouse of a former president, and a fucking miracle. While most Democrats like her, for some reason she seems to piss off Republicans more than a monster truck rally without an eight story tall fire-breathing robot. In order for the Democrats to win, they'll need someone who can appeal to leftists and undecideds (Ooh, those undecideds, they're so thoughtful, they're considering the issues so thoroughly they can't even make up their minds until they step in the booth. Shit, we might as well just give them coins to flip when they walk into the polls, but that would probably hurt the incumbent.)
  • John Kerry - After having been narrowly defeated by a drooling imbecile, Kerry hopes to make a run against someone who can really kick his ass - say, someone with charisma and the ability to string together a coherent sentence. While Kerry may have high hopes, I don't think the Democrats are likely to nominate a loser. And by loser, I don't mean the literal, "Kerry was the loser of the 2004 election" sense, but instead the "Kerry, get away from our lunch table, loser" sense.
  • And now, some dark horsies:

  • Russ Feingold - Before I make any sarcastic comments, just let me say that Feingold is currently my political hero, and I would love for it to be possible for him to be president. But lets look at the strikes against him: He is virtually unknown to the average American, he was the only Senator to vote against the Patriot Act (part of the reason he's my hero, but I can already see the attack ads - Russ Feingold voted against your security just so his library records could stay private!), and finally, he is Jewish, or at least his name sounds Jewish. Unfortunately, this probably hurts him in red states. While I am not a fan of any organized religion, I do enjoy Jewish culture, by which I mean Woody Allen movies. Finally, Feingold gives straight talk - he would actually defend his votes on a rational basis. That sounds like a positive, but Americanidiots don't have the attention span or the ability to listen to reasoned arguments.
  • John Edwards - No, not the psychic medium guy who talks to the dead, although that guy probably has as good a chance of being elected President as the substanceless ex-senator from North Carolina. He's been essentially unemployed since losing the 2004 election. Things could've been so much different, if only Cheney would have agreed to make the Vice Presidential debate a dance off, as Edwards wanted. I was getting tired of Edwards "all stories no ideas" platform halfway through the Democratic primaries last time, and I can't imagine people will put up with it again, although maybe I am naive to underestimate the average American's thirst for stories.
  • Barack Obama - Hold on, there, let's get him out of diapers first.

Tomorrow: Republicans!

Posted by mill1991 at 11:45 AM

November 3, 2004

Affirmative action

Over the years, affirmative action has been a contentious policy in the United States. On the whole, I think it has been a good policy - it attempts to right some wrongs that occurred against minorities in the past, and it creates some new wrongs against majorities in the present that satiate my apetite for sweet poetic justice. With all these benefits, it's not hard to see why affirmative action has stuck around for a while. But this time we've taken it to far.

For the second election in a row, Americans have elected a mentally challenged man to the highest office in the land. I can agree with you that, in the past, people of questionable mental capability have been under-represented on the presidential ballot. I'm just saying, maybe this is a good thing. You see, "president" is a very difficult job. Maybe Bush was a wild success as the guy who collects the shopping carts in the Rainbow Foods parking lot on Sunday mornings, and maybe he was a huge hit as the guy who passes out all the free breadsticks at Fazoli's, but this is a whole new ballgame.

It is clear that even if Bush was at one point intelligent and articulate, he is nowhere near that now. For his second term, I heard he was creating a new cabinet post for "Secretary of Wiping the Drool off my Face." I know, I know, if there's anything we've learned from There's Something about Mary, it's that watching mentally challenged people speak can be entertaining. But couldn't we just have Kerry be president, and then have him agree to appoint Bush as "Secretary of Slapstick" or "Secretary of Malapropisms?"

Posted by mill1991 at 10:40 AM

November 2, 2004

Voting is for chumps

Here is a list of people who have told me to vote:
  • P. Diddy
  • MTV
  • Minnesota Steelworkers Union
  • The Minnesota Daily
  • President Bruininks
  • CASH
  • The TV in my CSCI5481 class
  • scunci
  • MoveOn.org
  • ALF (the TV alien, not the terrorist group)

Well, that's all I can remember of the top of my head, but that's probably only about 10% of the total. I've said it before, voting is really not that important. If you don't want to do it, but you've been scared by the "every vote counts" folks, find a friend who's voting for the opposite candidate and agree to stay home.

Of course, there's a danger that your friend might try to cheat and sneak out to vote anyways. There is a simple solution for this: handcuffs. Handcuff your friend to his radiator, or if he doesn't have a radiator, chain him to a tree and tell the neighbors that he has rabies. Then, you can go vote, and your candidate will get a boost. Finally, do this with a hundred friends. This way, the person you like will get a hundred vote boost.

I was a little disappointed when I looked at the ballot this morning and didn't see the race between Patty Wetterling and Mark Kennedy. This campaign has been hilarious to watch because the commercials are ridiculous. Here is what I've learned from Kennedy's commercials. If he wins, he will strap on a machine gun and go kill all "the terrorists" himself. If Wetterling wins, she will spend most of her time baking cookies and cakes to give to "the terrorists," whom she will invite into our country to enjoy her delicious baked goods. Wetterling's ads basically say "Mark Kennedy is a liar. Okay, so I do like baking."

Posted by mill1991 at 10:12 AM

November 1, 2004

Yard signs

Okay, these yard signs are starting to get ridiculous. George W. Bush and John Kerry both have signs that have no colors besides red, white and blue. Okay, we get it. You both are very patriotic, and you have the colors on your yard signs to prove it. Don't you think having to choose from only three colors is creatively stifling though? I can just imagine, if Kerry had put another color, say green, on his signs.

(At the debate)
Bush: My opponent, well, he likes to say he loves America, but his signs, well, green isn't one of the, you know, the colors are red, white and blue.

(Meanwhile, if Bush had a touch of orange on his signs)
Kerry: The president would like you to believe that he has America's interests in mind. What he won't tell you is that Halliburton received a no-bid contract to make his yard signs, and they painted them orange because that color has the highest profit margins.

Anyways, it has been suggested to me before that I run for state senate. That would be a good starting point to a solid political career, but unfortunately there are pictures of me that preclude me ever running for any public office above sanitation director. If I ever did gain prominence in some law making body, I would enact laws that require political candidates to use at least two colors that are not in the set of red, white, and blue. Some may see this as limiting free expression, but I see it as enforcing creativity.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:45 AM

October 27, 2004

Election uncertainty

In the days leading up the election, the rhetoric is getting fierce and the speeches more intense. All the accusations and charges being flung back and forth can be tough to keep track of. Even more difficult is verifying the accuracy of all the claims being made. Websites like FactCheck.org and Spinsanity have biases towards a "fact-based reality", while ignoring subjective values that gods and demons may instill in us. With all these competing entities, who can we turn to with our political confusion? Look no further than Ashton Kutcher, star of such wonderful television fare as "That 70's Show" and "Punk'd."

That's right, Ashton Kutcher has finally broken his long silence and taken a position on the 2004 presidential election. He appeared at the Sports Pavilion on the University of Minnesota campus Tuesday for a rally with John Edwards. One reason for his appearance is an attempt by the Democratic party to win the hearts and minds of single young women and hopeful young gay men. Another reason is that Kutcher's speeches make John Edwards' seem chock full of substance by comparison. Also in attendance was Jeff Tweedy, lead singer of Wilco, who fortunately was able to make it through the whole rally without firing a band member or having to check into rehab.

So far, no word on who Topher Grace and Wilmer Valderrama are endorsing for president.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:20 AM

October 7, 2004

Political qestions

With elections around the corner, everybody is thinking about politics. Since I consider myself a political know-it-all, I am going to be answering some political qestions. If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments section, otherwise I will keep making them up myself. Regular readers will note that this site is no good when it consists of my original material, so get crackin!

Everybody I know hates Bush and is voting for Kerry. How is this race even close? Who are these people voting for W?

I hear this qestion all the time on campus, and it's understandable, because informal sticker polls on campus have Kerry-Edwards winning with at least 90% of the sticker vote. The answer to this qestion requires one to think back a few years, before college. Remember how many stupid people you went to high school with? Well, they're still alive, and they're voting for George W. Bush. Combine that with the fact that some educated people are voting for W (the 10% I noted earlier), and there's your close race.

intel1.jpg
"There's going to be a raging kegger at my place after the hearing. You guys should come. Oh, don't tell Daschle."

Posted by mill1991 at 9:38 AM

August 17, 2004

Voter Encouragement

This is the second in my series of word collections that talk about politics. Today's topic is the movement to get young people involved in voting and politics. MTV (or as I call it, EWN for Epileptics Worst Nightmare) has been advocating voting for a while, with the Choose or Lose program and the Rock the Vote program. Just recently, P. Diddy started the Citizen Change program to encourage young people to vote, with the slogan "Vote or Die." I applaud EWN and Mr. Diddy for their intentions, but I think they might be going about it wrong.

People my age and younger aren't stupid. Well, okay, many of us are quite stupid. But still, these slogans are an insult to our intelligence. MTV seems to think that merely putting the word "rock" somewhat near the word "vote" will somehow make voting instantly cool. Rocking the vote is pretty unrealistic, though. There are just so many goddam old people who can vote. They have much more free time, given that the only thing they're busy doing is waiting to die. A more realistic slogan might be "Nudge the vote." Young people do have the ability to nudge the vote if we show up in somewhat large numbers.

If there were a contest for biggest exaggeration in slogans, Citizen Change's "Vote or Die" would take the cake. Which is disappointing, because I was looking forward to eating that cake for dessert. Bush is a terrible president, but as bad as four more years of him sounds, I will probably not die as a direct result of it. The worst-case scenario is that a draft is reinstituted and I am selected to go to Iraq (or North Korea or Iran or any of the other countries we might try to "liberate" in Bush's second term). In that case, I think most people who know me realize I am likely to pull a Clinton and move to Canada or England, or maybe I will just grow a mustache as a disguise. Even the draft is unlikely, though. The truth is, "Vote or Die" probably applies best to people already in the military or thinking of joining the military under Bush's tenure. To summarize, "Vote or Die" should be changed to "Vote or Die, if you are in the military," or "Vote or the country will be slightly worse, although probably still the richest in the world."

So far I've only suggested changes to existing slogans, as a service to the people who came up with them. Its probably best to start from scratch, though, as I've come up with a few that dominate the changed ones up above. The new slogans reflect the attitudes of young people today, without trying to appease anybody else. Here is a sampling:

  • "Voting: Its pretty easy, even if you're high on whippets." - We took civics class. We know what voting does, and that the person with more votes wins. But is it easy or not? In most elections, it's not really that easy, because the candidates are so similar. In this case, though, we have the mentally challenged right-wing nut against a fairly liberal candidate. The division is pretty clear, even for a person who goes through life in a qualuude-induced daze.
  • "Your vote matters! Sort of." - Some people want to over-emphasize the importance of each individual vote, pointing out that the last presidential election was very close. Realistically, that was probably an aberration. Most elections probably won't be that close, and your vote is really not that important in any real sense. This is especially true if people who would normally vote for opposite candidates stay home in similar proportions. Even if this coming election is as close as the last, keep this in mind: the vote in Wisconsin (where I lived for the last election) was considered very close. The difference? Over 5000 votes! One more vote would not have made any difference! So, to summarize, in some vague abstract way, your vote is really important. But, if the polls are closing soon, and you have a pie in the oven that's almost done, I'd tend to the pie.
Posted by mill1991 at 12:08 PM

August 10, 2004

Movie votes

This is my first foray into writing anything about politics. Since I don't like either of the candidates, I don't feel like I will be biased towards either, and even if I am, who cares?

It seems like the entertainment world is mobilizing more for this election than they did for the last. Hollywood could actually make a difference, and if it does, it will probably be to help Kerry. So, the actors are generally for Kerry, but what about the characters? On my most recent 5 hour drive from the GBC to the cities, I thought about a few of my favorite movies, and who the characters in them would vote for.

The Wizard of Oz

  • Scarecrow - This character has no brain. Chalk one up for Bush!
  • Tinman - Tinman lacks a heart. Hmm... sounds like a republican. Another vote for Bush!
  • Lion - The lion has no courage. Well, one candidate fought in an unpopular war, the other one upper-classed his way out of it. That would suggest a Bush vote. On the other hand, democrats are big babys, sometimes seemingly afraid to take hard-line positions. This seems like a tossup. The most likely scenario is that the lion stays home, afraid to get into a car accident on the way to the elementary school to vote.
  • Dorothy - This one is also difficult. On the one hand, she whines a lot, aligning her with democrats. On the other hand, she believes in magic fairys and witches and trusts them with important decisions. This would side her with born-again Bush and the religious right. In the end, she'll probably vote for Kerry because he's pro-choice, and thats the only important issue.

The Little Mermaid

  • King Triton - An autocratic underwater ruler who desires to maintain absolute control with little input from constituents. Well, sounds like Ashcroft, but since Bush is on the ballot, this is a Bush vote.
  • Ariel - She's independent and curious, as evidenced by her giant collection of human artifacts which interest her. Uh-oh, did someone say Nader?
  • Sebastian - He accepts dictates from Triton without asking any questions - another vote for Bush.
  • Scuttle (the seagull) - This bird is moronic, not knowing any of the correct words for human artifacts. Also, it has a severely twisted sense of reality. Wait a second... this character is George W. Bush!

The Matrix

  • Morpheus - Has faith in humans. He has a belief system which he follows but doesn't force on others. This is clearly not Bush's goal - score one for Kerry.
  • Neo - I'm remembering that scene where they ask Neo what he needs, and he says "Guns. Lots of guns." Gun nuts vote for Bush.
  • Trinity - She is completely whipped by a gun nut, so she will vote with him. Bush.
  • Cypher - First he takes the red pill, then later he wishes he would've taken the blue pill. First, he decides he wants to be out of the matrix, and when its too difficult he decides he wants back in the matrix. This is a classic flip-flop. Kerry wins Cypher's vote.

There you have it, how some of your favorite movie characters would vote in the upcoming election. My tally is: Bush - 7 votes. Kerry - 3 votes. Nader - 1 vote. Too afraid to vote - 1. Fortunately for the USA, movie characters are not yet eligible to vote, though if Bush is smart (which he clearly isn't) he'll propose an amendment allowing them to.

Posted by mill1991 at 9:12 AM