April 23, 2006

Chris Samp ist ein ausgezeichnet Fussballer!

Alle personen wissen dass Chris Samp, der besten Fussballer am die Welt, hast nach Deutschland fur Amerikanishen fussball zu spielen gegangen. Was Sie nicht wissen, is dass Samp ist vor der Amerikanishen Fussball Revolution auf Deutschland. Kleine Kinder haben fussball geliebt, aber die heute sagt, "Amerikanishen fussball ist besser als fussball, und Amerikanishen fussballer Chris Samp ist meine hero." Er ist schneller, mehr stark, und kann mehr bier drinken dann jemand, aber er drinkt nur ein bischen, denn die Kinder ihm verehren.

Diese entry, und meine Deutsch, suchen. Schwer. Es tut mir leid. Ich weiss nur ein bischen Deutsche worten.

Continue reading "Chris Samp ist ein ausgezeichnet Fussballer!"

Posted by mill1991 at 7:28 PM

August 17, 2005

Word of his greatness spreads far and wide

Check out the following Samp-related news efforts: Noticably absent from this list is any coverage from philly.com, a website with (until now) a very credible reputation.
Posted by mill1991 at 12:21 PM

August 16, 2005

This just in: Samp still awesome

This website has been getting many hits and comments of late, due to Samp's signing a free agent contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. I thought the least I could do is put some of the latest tidbits of news about the golden child out on the main page. So here goes:
  • Samp played sparingly in the Eagles first preseason game, no doubt because the Eagles, already thin at receiver, need him to be healthy for when the bullets are live. Nonetheless, he managed to lead the Eagles in receiving with one catch for 67 yards.
  • As good of a player as Samp is (he's the best, in case you were unsure), he is an even better person. A recent commenter left a note about a good deed of Samp's that can only be described as Jesus-esque. And unlike most of Samp's good deeds told on this site, it sounds like it actually happened. You can read about it near the bottom of this page (Look for a comment left by a M(r/s). NotWearingPants).
  • Samp is widely expected by experts to be the number one pick in most Fantasy Football drafts. Normally receivers aren't as highly valued as running backs and quarterbacks, but remember, Samp is only considered a receiver because the NFL hasn't officially recognized his actual position of hyper-juggernaut extreme.
Posted by mill1991 at 9:28 AM

April 25, 2005

Samp rebuffs draft attempts; signs with Packers

Over the weekend, Chris Samp turned down draft overtures by every team, signing with the Green Bay Packers as a college free agent. Samp has long been critical of the high salaries given to football players, given the disparity of income in our world. Besides the Minnesota Vikings, every team attempted to draft Samp in the first round, only to be turned down. The Vikings, notorious for draft screwups, attempted to draft Samp in the 7th round. Coach Mike Tice explained that he thought the 7th round was more important than the 1st round, since 7 is bigger than 1. When he was informed otherwise by an assistant, Tice stabbed him in the eye with a pencil, conveniently held aloft by his ample ears.

The Green Bay News Chronicle reported on Samp's signing. I think it is fair to say that the Green Bay Packers have just entered what history will surely remember as "The Chris Samp Era." While there are very few streets in Green Bay not already named for former Packer players, coaches, administrative assistants, cheerleaders, waterboys, or custodians, I believe there is a Washington Avenue in the downtown area that will one day be named after somebody of real importance: Chris Samp.

Posted by mill1991 at 4:03 PM

April 6, 2005

How does Samp stack up to other receivers in the draft?

This year there is a good crop of wide receivers in the NFL Draft, led in large part by Chris Samp (Winona State 1992-2005). In preparation for the big day, it will be informative to look at Samp's "competition" for draft position. Hopefully, heretofore uninformed GMs and scouts will realize that Samp has the advantage over just about every wide receiver in the draft.

Chris Samp vs. Mike Williams (USC)
Samp: Spent the last year rewriting NCAA receiving records and dirtying opposing defensive backs' underwear.
Williams: Didn't play last year.
Advantage: Samp

Chris Samp vs. Braylon Edwards (Michigan)
Samp: Dictated the opponent's gameplan in every single game, was the focus of gimmick defenses, twice was attacked by hyenas during games.
Edwards: Surrounded by top-tier D1 talent, one of many of his team's weapons, and his numbers still pale in comparison to Samp's.
Advantage: Samp

Chris Samp vs. Everybody else
There are other receivers in the draft that are, for whatever reason, still ranked ahead of Samp. One rumor I've heard is that some scouts are afraid that Samp is too intellectual and may become bored with the mundanity of the game. This comes as a result of Samp's performance on the Wonderlic test, in which he was amused by the simplicity of the questions. With the extra time, he proceeded to fold the paper test into a computer, which then answered the questions on the test and registered a perfect score. There is a real possibility of Samp eschewing life as a professional athlete to become a chess grandmaster or Federal Reserve Chairman (Once Mr. Greenspan retires).

There is also a possibility that the lack of updates of this website have left scouts scurrying for information about Samp, who maintains a low profile in an attempt to mask his superhero alter ego. I don't know much about any of the other receivers in the draft, but the way I see it, I've already proved Samp is better than the top two receivers. What else do scouts need?

Posted by mill1991 at 12:16 PM

April 4, 2005

Samp travels forward in time at draft combine

Chris Samp, wide receiver extroardinaire and potential candidate for the papacy, is busy preparing for the upcoming NFL Draft. Samp participated in the pre-draft combine along with several other less talented prospects. During his physical trials, Samp astounded scouts and other on-lookers during his 40-yard dash, as he ran so fast that he broke the universe's speed limit (the speed of light), traveling forward in time approximately 3.8 seconds.

Samp is believed to be the first potential draftee to break the light barrier, although it is rumored that Darrell Green travelled forward in time 2.3 seconds during his draft workout, when timing technology was not as advanced as it is today. In other combine workouts, Samp's exploits were amazing enough that, had he been competing in the World's Strongest Man competition, he probably could have won going away. For instance, he did 30 reps squatting a platform with a bunch of girls in bikinis, and he shattered the combine record for the caber toss.

Posted by mill1991 at 12:09 PM

December 15, 2004

Matt Leinert takes Heisman - Chris Samp's lawyers protesting Ohio ballots

In an announcement that sent shockwaves through the world of college football, someone not named Chris Samp took home the Heisman Trophy earlier this week. The award was given to Matt Leinert, quarterback for USC, which is widely considered the Winona State of D1 football. Nonetheless, it is surprising, given that Samp recently finished one of the most successful seasons in the history of college athletics.

Even more surprising is that Samp was not even in the top five, and did not appear to have received any votes at all. An anonymous source affiliated with the awarding committee has told me that Samp's name did not even appear on the ballots. Given his extraordinary season, how is it possible that Samp was not given this once-prestigous award? One theory is that Samp fell off the radar when he left the country to help with famine relief in sub-Saharan Africa. Another possibility is that there was some confusion between Chris Samp and his 50 brothers, and the votes were split between them. Finally, there is a real possibility that award voters considered Samp to be ineligible for the Heisman because they perceived him to be either a superhero or demigod of some sort.

Posted by mill1991 at 12:20 PM

December 5, 2004

Chris Samp's name misspelled on Harlon Hill finalist list

Well, the final three candidates for the Harlon Hill Trophy (red-headed step child to the Heisman Trophy) have been released, and boy, the National Harlon Hill Award Committee must be embarrassed. On their website, they not only misspelled Samp's name, but they got his school, number, position, height, weight, bio, and picture wrong as well. The candidates listed are Drew Beard, Chad Friehauf, and Derrick Wimbush. I'm not sure which one is the mistake, since none of the information is even a close approximation to how Samp spells his name and various other information. This has to be a black eye for the organization, which is trying to gain some credibility in awarding the best football player in division II, especially after last year's debacle in which an administrative mix-up resulted in wheelchair-bound astrophysicist Stephen Hawking winning the award. Nonetheless, Hawking recognized the prestige of the award and placed in a prominent position on his mantel after first using it to knock off his Albert Einstein Award.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:44 PM

November 30, 2004

Crime down, superhero sightings up

In the past two weeks, police officials have noted that crime is down 50% in the Winona area, while sightings of unidentified flying persons are up. Last week a bank robbery was foiled when an unidentified man broke through a brick wall and clubbed the robber with a massively swollen left arm. He then violently kicked the air in celebration and yelled "Pour some sugar on me" before flying off. Police say the masked hero left behind a Monster Ballads CD, which will be held at the police station in case he wants it back.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:07 AM

November 21, 2004

Exclusive Interview with Heisman Trophy Candidate Chris Samp

It's common knowledge that Chris Samp is the greatest player in college football this year. Most people do not know all that much about Chris off the field. That is why this website does a feature called Chris Samp the Person. Previously in Chris Samp the Person, this site's reporting staff documented Samp's grueling victory in the Green Bay Marathon. Fresh off of that award-winning piece, we have put together another amazing article, an exclusive interview with the man himself. We secured exclusive rights in a victory over both 60 Minutes and Dateline in a round-robin style beach volleyball tournament, per Samp's wishes. Samp invited our team out to his training facility on an abandoned farm. His regimen consists of bench pressing deserted tractor engines, doing squats in which he repeatedly lifts the barn off its foundation, and running through the field pulling the hay-bailing machine. During one of his rare breaks he ripped off his shirt and used its shreads to wipe off his sweat, and drank an entire cow dry. We used this break to get in a few questions. His answers follow.

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Posted by mill1991 at 9:58 PM