October 23, 2014

Chris Samp inducted into Winona State Hall of Fame, Sun rises in East

samp_trophy.png
The bust that will be used at Samp's Hall of Fame entry (biceps reduced in size for space reasons).

Our long national nightmare is over, as Winona State University no longer has a Samp-less Hall of Fame, inducting both Chris and his father Dan. Chris is being honored for his contributions to the football squad, while Dan is being honored for both excellence in football and in getting Chris's friends to the Las Vegas airport in time for their flights. While of course this honor is well deserved and expected, its timing raised more questions than it answers.

What took so long?
Samp has already been out of school for 9 years (nearly as long as he was in school). I personally nominated Samp for the WSHOF the day he graduated and every year afterwards (along with lesser awards like the Nobel Prize and the Macarthur Genius Award), why did it take the greybeards in their ivory tower along the Mississippi River so long to recognize world-changing greatness?

Who will introduce Samp?
The rumor mill has been churning on this topic. There are reports that Jon Bon Jovi's private jet was seen in Minnesota air space, while Jeff Query's van was spotted outside Mulligan's Pub. Still, I wouldn't rule out Jerry Rice, who most consider the second best wide receiver ever.

When will his number be retired?
It would be a tragedy if the number 85 were ever worn again. In fact, I think you can make a strong case that the number should be retired across all sports and leagues. Even math classes should probably try to avoid exercises that might contain his number. There is some precedent; in Major League Baseball, Jackie Robinson's number has been retired across all teams. But what Samp has done is in a way even more impressive, becoming the first man who once accidentally wore his sister's jeans in high school to be on an NFL roster.

Why does the WSHOF need other members?
Here's the issue: Having a large hall of fame devalues the achievements of Samp and takes up valuable space in the hall that could be dedicated to Samp-related exhibits. I had an idea for one where you simulate trying to tackle Samp to limit his YAC (it's known to be impossible to prevent him from catching the ball). The exhibit had to be scrapped because lots of people exploded during testing, but I have tons of other good ideas. Anyways, this is probably going to be one of those deals where they put the Samp display case way in the back of the HOF and you have to walk by a bunch of t-shirt sellers and slot machines to see it. My proposal is to prune the Hall to just the Samp family and Liz Narten.

Why are there only two Samps being inducted?
Samp has a mother, a sister and thirty younger brothers, separated in age by exactly 9 months each. They all deserve to be inducted.

Of course I'm nitpicking. We all know eventually the hall will contract out most non-Samp members and add the remaining Samps, but these things take time. And despite the long delay, Winona State is once again ahead of elite universities like Harvard, Yale, and Stanford, none of whom have yet inducted Samp into their halls of fame. And with that, I say congratulations to Chris, Dan, Winona State University, and all citizens of planet Earth. Today greatness has been recognized.

Posted by mill1991 at 4:29 PM

April 23, 2006

Chris Samp ist ein ausgezeichnet Fussballer!

Alle personen wissen dass Chris Samp, der besten Fussballer am die Welt, hast nach Deutschland fur Amerikanishen fussball zu spielen gegangen. Was Sie nicht wissen, is dass Samp ist vor der Amerikanishen Fussball Revolution auf Deutschland. Kleine Kinder haben fussball geliebt, aber die heute sagt, "Amerikanishen fussball ist besser als fussball, und Amerikanishen fussballer Chris Samp ist meine hero." Er ist schneller, mehr stark, und kann mehr bier drinken dann jemand, aber er drinkt nur ein bischen, denn die Kinder ihm verehren.

Diese entry, und meine Deutsch, suchen. Schwer. Es tut mir leid. Ich weiss nur ein bischen Deutsche worten.

Continue reading "Chris Samp ist ein ausgezeichnet Fussballer!"

Posted by mill1991 at 7:28 PM

August 17, 2005

Word of his greatness spreads far and wide

Check out the following Samp-related news efforts: Noticably absent from this list is any coverage from philly.com, a website with (until now) a very credible reputation.
Posted by mill1991 at 12:21 PM

August 16, 2005

This just in: Samp still awesome

This website has been getting many hits and comments of late, due to Samp's signing a free agent contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. I thought the least I could do is put some of the latest tidbits of news about the golden child out on the main page. So here goes:
  • Samp played sparingly in the Eagles first preseason game, no doubt because the Eagles, already thin at receiver, need him to be healthy for when the bullets are live. Nonetheless, he managed to lead the Eagles in receiving with one catch for 67 yards.
  • As good of a player as Samp is (he's the best, in case you were unsure), he is an even better person. A recent commenter left a note about a good deed of Samp's that can only be described as Jesus-esque. And unlike most of Samp's good deeds told on this site, it sounds like it actually happened. You can read about it near the bottom of this page (Look for a comment left by a M(r/s). NotWearingPants).
  • Samp is widely expected by experts to be the number one pick in most Fantasy Football drafts. Normally receivers aren't as highly valued as running backs and quarterbacks, but remember, Samp is only considered a receiver because the NFL hasn't officially recognized his actual position of hyper-juggernaut extreme.
Posted by mill1991 at 9:28 AM

April 25, 2005

Samp rebuffs draft attempts; signs with Packers

Over the weekend, Chris Samp turned down draft overtures by every team, signing with the Green Bay Packers as a college free agent. Samp has long been critical of the high salaries given to football players, given the disparity of income in our world. Besides the Minnesota Vikings, every team attempted to draft Samp in the first round, only to be turned down. The Vikings, notorious for draft screwups, attempted to draft Samp in the 7th round. Coach Mike Tice explained that he thought the 7th round was more important than the 1st round, since 7 is bigger than 1. When he was informed otherwise by an assistant, Tice stabbed him in the eye with a pencil, conveniently held aloft by his ample ears.

The Green Bay News Chronicle reported on Samp's signing. I think it is fair to say that the Green Bay Packers have just entered what history will surely remember as "The Chris Samp Era." While there are very few streets in Green Bay not already named for former Packer players, coaches, administrative assistants, cheerleaders, waterboys, or custodians, I believe there is a Washington Avenue in the downtown area that will one day be named after somebody of real importance: Chris Samp.

Posted by mill1991 at 4:03 PM

April 6, 2005

How does Samp stack up to other receivers in the draft?

This year there is a good crop of wide receivers in the NFL Draft, led in large part by Chris Samp (Winona State 1992-2005). In preparation for the big day, it will be informative to look at Samp's "competition" for draft position. Hopefully, heretofore uninformed GMs and scouts will realize that Samp has the advantage over just about every wide receiver in the draft.

Chris Samp vs. Mike Williams (USC)
Samp: Spent the last year rewriting NCAA receiving records and dirtying opposing defensive backs' underwear.
Williams: Didn't play last year.
Advantage: Samp

Chris Samp vs. Braylon Edwards (Michigan)
Samp: Dictated the opponent's gameplan in every single game, was the focus of gimmick defenses, twice was attacked by hyenas during games.
Edwards: Surrounded by top-tier D1 talent, one of many of his team's weapons, and his numbers still pale in comparison to Samp's.
Advantage: Samp

Chris Samp vs. Everybody else
There are other receivers in the draft that are, for whatever reason, still ranked ahead of Samp. One rumor I've heard is that some scouts are afraid that Samp is too intellectual and may become bored with the mundanity of the game. This comes as a result of Samp's performance on the Wonderlic test, in which he was amused by the simplicity of the questions. With the extra time, he proceeded to fold the paper test into a computer, which then answered the questions on the test and registered a perfect score. There is a real possibility of Samp eschewing life as a professional athlete to become a chess grandmaster or Federal Reserve Chairman (Once Mr. Greenspan retires).

There is also a possibility that the lack of updates of this website have left scouts scurrying for information about Samp, who maintains a low profile in an attempt to mask his superhero alter ego. I don't know much about any of the other receivers in the draft, but the way I see it, I've already proved Samp is better than the top two receivers. What else do scouts need?

Posted by mill1991 at 12:16 PM

April 4, 2005

Samp travels forward in time at draft combine

Chris Samp, wide receiver extroardinaire and potential candidate for the papacy, is busy preparing for the upcoming NFL Draft. Samp participated in the pre-draft combine along with several other less talented prospects. During his physical trials, Samp astounded scouts and other on-lookers during his 40-yard dash, as he ran so fast that he broke the universe's speed limit (the speed of light), traveling forward in time approximately 3.8 seconds.

Samp is believed to be the first potential draftee to break the light barrier, although it is rumored that Darrell Green travelled forward in time 2.3 seconds during his draft workout, when timing technology was not as advanced as it is today. In other combine workouts, Samp's exploits were amazing enough that, had he been competing in the World's Strongest Man competition, he probably could have won going away. For instance, he did 30 reps squatting a platform with a bunch of girls in bikinis, and he shattered the combine record for the caber toss.

Posted by mill1991 at 12:09 PM

December 15, 2004

Matt Leinert takes Heisman - Chris Samp's lawyers protesting Ohio ballots

In an announcement that sent shockwaves through the world of college football, someone not named Chris Samp took home the Heisman Trophy earlier this week. The award was given to Matt Leinert, quarterback for USC, which is widely considered the Winona State of D1 football. Nonetheless, it is surprising, given that Samp recently finished one of the most successful seasons in the history of college athletics.

Even more surprising is that Samp was not even in the top five, and did not appear to have received any votes at all. An anonymous source affiliated with the awarding committee has told me that Samp's name did not even appear on the ballots. Given his extraordinary season, how is it possible that Samp was not given this once-prestigous award? One theory is that Samp fell off the radar when he left the country to help with famine relief in sub-Saharan Africa. Another possibility is that there was some confusion between Chris Samp and his 50 brothers, and the votes were split between them. Finally, there is a real possibility that award voters considered Samp to be ineligible for the Heisman because they perceived him to be either a superhero or demigod of some sort.

Posted by mill1991 at 12:20 PM

December 5, 2004

Chris Samp's name misspelled on Harlon Hill finalist list

Well, the final three candidates for the Harlon Hill Trophy (red-headed step child to the Heisman Trophy) have been released, and boy, the National Harlon Hill Award Committee must be embarrassed. On their website, they not only misspelled Samp's name, but they got his school, number, position, height, weight, bio, and picture wrong as well. The candidates listed are Drew Beard, Chad Friehauf, and Derrick Wimbush. I'm not sure which one is the mistake, since none of the information is even a close approximation to how Samp spells his name and various other information. This has to be a black eye for the organization, which is trying to gain some credibility in awarding the best football player in division II, especially after last year's debacle in which an administrative mix-up resulted in wheelchair-bound astrophysicist Stephen Hawking winning the award. Nonetheless, Hawking recognized the prestige of the award and placed in a prominent position on his mantel after first using it to knock off his Albert Einstein Award.
Posted by mill1991 at 1:44 PM

November 30, 2004

Crime down, superhero sightings up

In the past two weeks, police officials have noted that crime is down 50% in the Winona area, while sightings of unidentified flying persons are up. Last week a bank robbery was foiled when an unidentified man broke through a brick wall and clubbed the robber with a massively swollen left arm. He then violently kicked the air in celebration and yelled "Pour some sugar on me" before flying off. Police say the masked hero left behind a Monster Ballads CD, which will be held at the police station in case he wants it back.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:07 AM