November 3, 2004

Chris Samp the Person

A lot has been written, here and elsewhere, about Chris Samp the football player. What sometimes is lost in all the talk of touchdowns, wins, and YAC (yards after catch) is an understanding of Chris Samp the person. Now, Samp is an extremely humble and private person, loathe to talk himself up or talk about his achievements off the field. Thankfully, he has a world-class hype man to do it for him.

One summertime, Samp and some of his friends were sitting around a campfire at a party. While Samp enjoys hanging out with friends at parties, he rarely consumes any alcohol or other toxins, because his body is fine tuned for pure performance. On this night, the only mixed drink Samp had was raw eggs and red gatorade.

At some point, the topic of the next day's Green Bay Marathon came up. Samp, always supremely confident, suggested that he could run it, despite not training for it. In fact, he had never trained for long distance running of any type. As you can imagine, this was quickly formulated as a friendly dare. Since it was already late, Samp decided to head home immediately to get a rest.

The next morning, Samp awoke early to get to the race on time. It was a crisp fall morning as Samp stepped out of his car in his gray Pumas, tube socks and short running shorts. In his usual confident manner, Samp strutted to the front of the starting line without stretching so much as a single hamstring or quadricep. The only preparation he took was to slather himself in gobs of vaseline. After he was done, the ground was littered with roughly a case of empty petroleum jelly containers. The surface area of Samp's body is quite large due to all the muscles that protrude, so it takes this much oil to cover all the nooks and crannies of God's 8th day creation. At the gun, Samp bursted out to an early lead using the speed he had obtained through years of vigorous weight training.

Early in the race, Samp kept pace with two Kenyans, a Somalian, a Spaniard, and Greg Hines. He proceeded at a relatively good clip up through mile 15. At that point, his complete lack of any kind of long distance training started to take a toll, and he started to cramp up a little. At this very moment, inspirational images started flooding his mind, propelling him to go on. He could hear his loving family yelling proudly "You can do it Bud!" at his football games. He could see his friends on the rec league softball team jumping and cheering as he raced around the bases, ignoring both base coaches, for another in-the-park homerun. He could smell the bananas and bagels that were waiting a short 11 miles away at the finish line.

With a grit and determination that hasn't been seen in this country since Abraham Lincoln fought off the Nazis at the Alamo with a single dagger, Samp trudged on. Soon he was nearing the finish, with the roar of the crowd in his ear and a trail of cracked egg shells following behind him. As he broke through the finish line in first place, Samp collapsed, his greasy body sliding forward for another thirty yards from his momentum and the copious amounts of vaseline he had used. He had given it his all, and he had succeeded to the fullest. It became clear to all watching that Chris Samp was destined to be something special. Posted by mill1991 at November 3, 2004 10:56 AM