November 21, 2004

Exclusive Interview with Heisman Trophy Candidate Chris Samp

It's common knowledge that Chris Samp is the greatest player in college football this year. Most people do not know all that much about Chris off the field. That is why this website does a feature called Chris Samp the Person. Previously in Chris Samp the Person, this site's reporting staff documented Samp's grueling victory in the Green Bay Marathon. Fresh off of that award-winning piece, we have put together another amazing article, an exclusive interview with the man himself. We secured exclusive rights in a victory over both 60 Minutes and Dateline in a round-robin style beach volleyball tournament, per Samp's wishes. Samp invited our team out to his training facility on an abandoned farm. His regimen consists of bench pressing deserted tractor engines, doing squats in which he repeatedly lifts the barn off its foundation, and running through the field pulling the hay-bailing machine. During one of his rare breaks he ripped off his shirt and used its shreads to wipe off his sweat, and drank an entire cow dry. We used this break to get in a few questions. His answers follow.

Football
What is it like being so awesome?

I guess i never really thought of that before. Having a website dedicated to me has definitely boosted my self-confidence.

You saw a lot of gimmick defenses this year. Don't you hate those?

Sometimes they're so ridiculous you don't know how to approach them. Most of the time there's a gimmick defense for a reason [Webmaster: because Samp is so awesome]. There's always a weakness to exploit in every defense and for most gimmick defenses we did a pretty good job this year.

What pro receivers, past or present, would you compare yourself to (They don't all have to be white)?

A combination of Todd Heape, Ed McCaffrey, and my idol Jeff Query.

Have you ever trash talked? What did you say?

Yes.. it was a pathetic attempt for a white boy trying to intimidate ..."I'm your worst nightmare" I don't think it worked!!!!

Who would win in a backyard game of 500 between yourself, Superman, and Jon BonJovi?

Superman. He does have the ability to fly and bend steel. Bon Jovi's ability to hit high notes could only slow down Superman.

Religion
If Jesus was a DB, what route would you try to run on him?

Thats a good question. I think I would watch a lot of film on him to see if he would play bump coverage or cover 2. I would assume he could read my mind and that would definitely hurt my chances of beating him. Luckily Jesus would be playing for Winona State so I wouldn't have to get embarrassed during a game.

Which record do you think you will break first: Wilt Chamberlain's number or sexual partners, or Jesus's number or performed miracles?

Ummmmm yeah.. I'm just a couple behind Wilt right now. Now that my career is over its kind of been a drought for me.

Are you bigger than Jesus?

Unfortunately Winona State football hasn't commanded as big of a following as Christianity.. So NO. [Webmaster: Obviously, if you are talking delts and lats, Samp is much bigger than Jesus. I think the questions refers to popularity, though.]

Culture
If you were The Bachelor, would you go for true love or would you just keep the slutty ones around so you could have fun while you were on the show?

One of the main qualities I want in my wife is to be slutty. So I hope I can find true love with the slutty girls.

Did you see Gilmore Girls? I can't believe Rory's dad came back.

I'm more of a Real World Guy.. Sorry.

Who would win a handsome-off between the Baldwin boys and the Samp boys (normalized for age)?

Balwin boys - I don't think Cooper could carry the Samps to victory.

In the past, while being questioned on camera, your attitude has been compared to that of Shannon Dougherty. Will you continue this attitude toward reporters when you go pro?

As long as they don't have a history of cheating in Euchre games.

Miscellaneous
If you had to choose from one of the following legendary jinxes, which would it be and why?

  • Campbell's Chunky Soup spokesman
  • Sports Illustrated coverboy
  • Heisman Trophy recipient

Is there a Playboy jinx???? I've already investigated the Heisman jinx because of the publicity that this website has produced.

If you could be an ice cream flavor, what would you be and why?

Fat Free, sugar Free, Strawberry Yogurt. To increase my chances of a chick licking me.

What is a normal day of eating for you?

To eat as much food as possible.

What would you have for your last meal if you had the choice (this is pre-lunch, hence the food questions)?

Lobster, a beer, cheese curds, and pez.

How does it feel to be 8 times the size of the young shoppers at abercrombie (lower-case because this store is meant for tots)?

It makes me think I'm big.

If you could play any other sport, what would it be and would you be as dominating?

Tennis.. Ask Novotny, Gagnon. or Joynt. [Webmaster: I've contacted them all, and they all say yes.]

If you could be a world-class athlete or a world-famous rock star, which would you be and why?

A rock star doesn't get as beat up and they definitely get more women.

When is the earliest time you can remember violently kicking the air out of sheer anger and rage?

Have to be in second grade when i got a toilet twister and than proceeded to pee my pants.

How many stadiums and dorms at Winona State do you think they will name after you?

Probably none but maybe i'll get a plaque in the training room.

Posted by mill1991 at November 21, 2004 9:58 PM