October 31, 2004

Winona State vs. Wayne State Recap

This Saturday in Winona, Minnesota, the Warriors once again prevailed over a conference foe, defeating Wayne State 27-14 while clinching first place in the NSIC. Heisman hopeful Chris Samp carried the torch for Winona State like Ace Ventura in the bat caves of the Wachati, hauling in ten passes for 155 yards and three touchdowns.

Every week I write a preview with bold predictions, and every week I end up writing a recap that goes even further beyond what I predicted to describe what Samp actually did. For a split second the thought occurred to me that maybe people are growing tired of hearing of Samp's amazing talents and accomplishments. I quickly regained my sanity and realized that getting sick of Samp's accomplishments is like getting sick of Jesus' love.

"Wait a second," you might be thinking. "Did he just compare Chris Samp to Jesus of Nazareth?" Yes, yes I did. Sure, Jesus may have cured more blind people and risen from the dead more often, but there is no doubt that Samp has the edge in the 40, the bench press, and the Wonderlic test.

Posted by mill1991 at 4:26 PM

October 29, 2004

Winona State vs. Wayne State Preview

This Saturday Winona State hits the gridiron against Wayne State. Last year the Warriors from Winona State stormed into Wayne, Nebraska, and demolished the Warriors from Wayne State, burning down their huts and killing their women and children in the process in a 38-13 massacre.

Last year Chris Samp was held to six catches for 89 yards and one score, as the game was easily in hand early and Winona State turned to the ground game. This may be a good time to mention Samp's versatility. Because of his Hulk-like physique and relentless motor, Samp is a dominating blocker when he is not running perfectly crisp pass routes or breezing into the endzone with another touchdown score. In last year's game, Winona State rushed for 244 yards on 40 carries. Unfortunately, "devastating blocks" is not yet an official statistical category, but there's no doubt who would be leading the nation in that category if it existed (Samp).

You may be aware of the second best receiver in Minnesota, Randy Moss, and his tendency to "take a play off" now and again, as well as his girlish blocking ability. Rest assured, Chris Samp does not take any plays off. In fact, his speed allows him to sometimes run two plays in one down. He'll run a 50-yard go route, and after that's finished, come back in time to block for the screen pass play that was actually called.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:37 AM

October 24, 2004

Winona State vs. Minnesota State-Moorhead Recap

Chris Samp once again led the Winona State Warriors to victory in a game that was over as soon as he stepped off the bus. The Warriors prevailed 42-0 on the Dragons home turf, wrapping up a share of the NSIC title in the process. Samp was held to four catches for 89 yards, but had two scores in turning the game into a blowout. His low yardage total was partly due to specialized gimmick defenses in which the Dragons defense had six players covering him, and several of them had baseball bats. In addition, as the game got out of hand, Samp was replaced by an 8-year-old from the Make a Wish foundation, who ended up with 6 catches for 80 yards after receiving five minutes of instruction from Samp.
Posted by mill1991 at 12:20 PM

October 23, 2004

Winona State vs. Minnesota State-Moorhead Preview

Saturday, October 21, 2004, Winona State will be traveling to Moorhead, Minnesota to destroy Minnesota State-Moorhead University in an American football game. Last year, Chris Samp had five catches for 122 yards and a score in leading Winona State to a 50-19 victory. While these are surely very good numbers, they don't convey the full impact that Samp had on the game.

You see, Lex Luther had taken control of a chemical weapons factory near the stadium. Samp heard about this at halftime, and told the coach he had to run to go "tell Superman." The coach turned around to respond, but Samp was already gone, as if in a flash. Sure enough, about 5 minutes after Samp left, Superman showed up and defeated Lex Luther, allowing the game to go on. After Superman left, Samp came back in time to deliver the greatest halftime speech the team had ever heard. Without Samp around to tell Superman about the danger, who knows what might have happened?

There is no word on Lex Luther's whereabouts going into this Saturday's tilt in Moorhead.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:50 AM

October 22, 2004

Samp receives conference accolades

Chris Samp was named offensive player of the week in the Northern Sun Intercollegiate Conference after his 180 yard, four touchdown performance against Northern State. This was less surprising than the sun rising this morning. After last Saturday afternoon's amazing display of ass-kickery, I'm surprised he hasn't received a Nobel Prize yet. There isn't currently a Nobel Prize for NCAA Division II football players, but I'm told that the possibility of adding one is being discussed in various committees as we speak, mainly due to the exploits of the possibly divine Chris Samp.
Posted by mill1991 at 11:34 AM

October 21, 2004

Nicknames = Greatness

One of the most important attributes that any athlete can have is a good nickname, a sportsman's nom de plume, if you will. Chris Samp certainly does not have a shortage of rock solid nicknames, many of which have been documented on this site. As a reader suggested, I thought it would be interesting and revealing to the Heisman Trophy voters to make a list of Samp's outstanding nicknames here. I may forget some, and Samp's brilliant fans are coming up with new ones every day, so if you have a good one please add it in the comments section.

Anyways, on to the nicknames:

  • SuperSamp
  • Sampras (for he is also skilled in tennis)
  • Hyper-juggernaut extreme
  • Offensivus Maximus
  • G.O.A.T. (Greatest of all time)
  • Tecmo Bowl
  • Diamond Awesome Butterscotch
  • Deceptive (because white receivers are always "Deceptively fast")
  • President of Warrior Nation
  • The mayor of touchdown city
Posted by mill1991 at 9:17 AM

October 20, 2004

Samp's exploits attracting media attention

It was only a matter of time before Chris Samp's cartoonishly amazing season started to get some notice from the media. There was a story printed today about Samp in the Winonan, a newspaper which is coincidentally based in Winona, MN, but also claims a large nationwide readership.

I am proud to say that this website was used as a reference for the article, though the author did use some of his own words too. Overall I enjoyed the article, but there were some topics that were conspicuous by their absence. For instance, is it possible that Samp is from the planet Krypton and the earth's yellow sun gives him special powers? If so, how does this affect his eligibility? Also, Samp's hordes of fans would have no doubt enjoyed some insight into his personal life. How many children does he have? How much can he bench? Is it true that he created the grand canyon by dragging his axe behind him for miles?

As more media outlets begin to take notice, I will be adding links on the side of this page. And after Samp accepts his Heisman Trophy, my next project is Tim Miller for Pulitzer Prize!

Posted by mill1991 at 8:37 AM

October 18, 2004

Northern State Recap

Chris Samp solidified his case for the Heisman Trophy on Saturday afternoon with a superlative performance against Northern State University. At the end of the day, Samp had racked up nine catches for 180 yards, and four (4!) touchdowns. Watching Samp play football at this point reminds me of watching Mike Novotny play hockey against sixth graders when he was a senior in high school. His numbers are ludicrous. I am proposing the new nickname "Tecmo Bowl" because his stats are like something out of a videogame.

A recent comment pointed out that Samp might not put up the same numbers for a D1 team. I tend to agree. At a D1 school, Samp would have numbers that are merely astounding, as opposed to being godlike as they are currently.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:06 AM

October 16, 2004

Winona State vs. Northern State Preview

This Saturday the Winona State Warriors and their gay hippy warrior mascot return to the friendly confines of Midwest Wireless Stadium to take on Northern State. No, not Northern State, the trio of female hip-hoppers from New York, but the Northern State University football team from Aberdeen, South Dakota. Not that it matters - there isn't a single person in either the rap group or the football team that can cover Chris Samp.

You may remember last year (I sure do), when Winona State defeated Northen State 49-27 at the Metrodome. Samp had nine catches for 154 yards and three scores as the Wolves' secondary was unable to keep up despite their homoerotic stretching routine that several of Samp's friends witnessed before the game. Seriously, it was disturbing.

After the game, Samp was mobbed by autograph seekers young and old, but he stayed at the stadium for hours after he had to. He is only too happy to accomodate his legions of fans. It is this sort of selflessness that exemplifies Chris Samp. He is truly not just the best college football player in the country, but a better man than the pope and Gandhi combined. Samp is expected to easily surpass his yardage total from the Northern State game last year, with the caveat that, if the game isn't close, he might decide to leave after halftime to volunteer at a local soup kitchen.

Posted by mill1991 at 1:46 PM

October 10, 2004

Winona State vs. Bemidji State Recap

Okay, here is where I would normally exaggerate Chris Samp's greatness to comedic effect. Typically it is difficult to exaggerate how great Samp is because the English language simply contains a small set of descriptions that actually overstate his awesomeness. After his latest performance, however, I dare say that exaggeration is impossible.

Samp once again led the way for Winona State's unstoppable air raid, hauling in six catches for 217 yards, an average of 36.2 yards per catch. Most receivers would simply go down after the 36 yards, but Samp is not content with a mere 36 yards. No, he stretches and pummels his way for that extra two tenths of a yard. Samp also scored two touchdowns (76 and 71 yards) in leading Winona State to a 41-28 victory.

All the extra attention paid to Samp also allowed teammate Jeff Ellestad to pull in nine catches for 138 yards, also an impressive showing. It may be only a matter of time before Mr. Ellestad is in contention for a Heisman Trophy of his own.

Posted by mill1991 at 6:10 PM

October 8, 2004

Bemidji State Preview

Winona State University (5-1, 2-0 NSIC) hits the gridiron at 1:30 P.M. this Saturday afternoon against Bemidji State (5-1, 2-0), in a game that would have a chance of being close if Chris Samp was playing in a wheelchair. Unfortunately, Samp, with his 4.1 speed in the 40, is healthy and will be looking to avenge last years somewhat embarrassing win in which Winona State only prevailed by 26 points.

You may recall that in last year's tilt in Winona, Samp was held to only two catches for 39 yards, but maximized his impact by scoring on both grabs. In addition, the attention Bemidji State's defense focused on Samp freed up teammate Brian Hynes for 102 receiving yards and a touchdown.

Bemidji State has an experienced secondary, led by senior Torry Joubert and junior Chris Canter. After Saturday they will be extremely experienced in getting burned repeatedly by one Chris Samp. The question isn't whether Winona State wins and Samp dominates. The question is, will Samp reach 1000 yards receiving? In this game?

Posted by mill1991 at 9:54 PM

October 6, 2004

What do YOU think of Chris Samp?

I thought I would open up a little forum here. This is the perfect place to show your support for Chris Samp garnering a Heisman Trophy this year. Let's show everybody what a wide fan base he has!
Posted by mill1991 at 12:27 AM

October 5, 2004

An introduction to Chris Samp

This website is dedicated to the greatest football player in college right now, and possibly ever. For now, he is a well-kept secret. Playing at Division II Winona State in Winona, MN, he is able to avoid the distractions of a larger program that could cause his multiple talents to go undeveloped. Soon enough the whole country will hear the name of Chris Samp being announced at the Downtown Athletic Club in New York City as he receives the Heisman Trophy. But, for now, here is a short introduction to the man they call SuperSamp.

  • Full name: Christopher Samp
  • High School: Green Bay Preble, Class of 1999

    Samp was involved in many extracurricular activities besides football. He was Grandmaster of the Chess Club, Chief Retorician of the Debate Team and Czar of the Student Council. Prior to his appointment as czar this was an elected position. The student body flourished to such an extent under his rule that he was declared czar by popular opinion.

  • College: Winona State University

    Winona State is widely regarded as the greatest educational institution in the midwest, if not the entire country. If Jesus had lived in America, he would have gone to Winona State.

  • Position: Wide Receiver

    Samp has scholars of the game redefining the way they think about "positions." Should he be considered "merely" a wide receiver in light of the profound way he can influence an entire game? Many say a new description is needed in order to fully account for his greatness. Proposed titles include "Hyper-juggernaut extreme", "Offensivus Maximus", and "G.O.A.T" (Greatest Of All Time).

Posted by mill1991 at 10:34 PM