November 30, 2004

Crime down, superhero sightings up

In the past two weeks, police officials have noted that crime is down 50% in the Winona area, while sightings of unidentified flying persons are up. Last week a bank robbery was foiled when an unidentified man broke through a brick wall and clubbed the robber with a massively swollen left arm. He then violently kicked the air in celebration and yelled "Pour some sugar on me" before flying off. Police say the masked hero left behind a Monster Ballads CD, which will be held at the police station in case he wants it back.
Posted by mill1991 at 10:07 AM

November 21, 2004

Exclusive Interview with Heisman Trophy Candidate Chris Samp

It's common knowledge that Chris Samp is the greatest player in college football this year. Most people do not know all that much about Chris off the field. That is why this website does a feature called Chris Samp the Person. Previously in Chris Samp the Person, this site's reporting staff documented Samp's grueling victory in the Green Bay Marathon. Fresh off of that award-winning piece, we have put together another amazing article, an exclusive interview with the man himself. We secured exclusive rights in a victory over both 60 Minutes and Dateline in a round-robin style beach volleyball tournament, per Samp's wishes. Samp invited our team out to his training facility on an abandoned farm. His regimen consists of bench pressing deserted tractor engines, doing squats in which he repeatedly lifts the barn off its foundation, and running through the field pulling the hay-bailing machine. During one of his rare breaks he ripped off his shirt and used its shreads to wipe off his sweat, and drank an entire cow dry. We used this break to get in a few questions. His answers follow.

What is it like being so awesome?

I guess i never really thought of that before. Having a website dedicated to me has definitely boosted my self-confidence.

You saw a lot of gimmick defenses this year. Don't you hate those?

Sometimes they're so ridiculous you don't know how to approach them. Most of the time there's a gimmick defense for a reason [Webmaster: because Samp is so awesome]. There's always a weakness to exploit in every defense and for most gimmick defenses we did a pretty good job this year.

What pro receivers, past or present, would you compare yourself to (They don't all have to be white)?

A combination of Todd Heape, Ed McCaffrey, and my idol Jeff Query.

Have you ever trash talked? What did you say?

Yes.. it was a pathetic attempt for a white boy trying to intimidate ..."I'm your worst nightmare" I don't think it worked!!!!

Who would win in a backyard game of 500 between yourself, Superman, and Jon BonJovi?

Superman. He does have the ability to fly and bend steel. Bon Jovi's ability to hit high notes could only slow down Superman.

If Jesus was a DB, what route would you try to run on him?

Thats a good question. I think I would watch a lot of film on him to see if he would play bump coverage or cover 2. I would assume he could read my mind and that would definitely hurt my chances of beating him. Luckily Jesus would be playing for Winona State so I wouldn't have to get embarrassed during a game.

Which record do you think you will break first: Wilt Chamberlain's number or sexual partners, or Jesus's number or performed miracles?

Ummmmm yeah.. I'm just a couple behind Wilt right now. Now that my career is over its kind of been a drought for me.

Are you bigger than Jesus?

Unfortunately Winona State football hasn't commanded as big of a following as Christianity.. So NO. [Webmaster: Obviously, if you are talking delts and lats, Samp is much bigger than Jesus. I think the questions refers to popularity, though.]

If you were The Bachelor, would you go for true love or would you just keep the slutty ones around so you could have fun while you were on the show?

One of the main qualities I want in my wife is to be slutty. So I hope I can find true love with the slutty girls.

Did you see Gilmore Girls? I can't believe Rory's dad came back.

I'm more of a Real World Guy.. Sorry.

Who would win a handsome-off between the Baldwin boys and the Samp boys (normalized for age)?

Balwin boys - I don't think Cooper could carry the Samps to victory.

In the past, while being questioned on camera, your attitude has been compared to that of Shannon Dougherty. Will you continue this attitude toward reporters when you go pro?

As long as they don't have a history of cheating in Euchre games.

If you had to choose from one of the following legendary jinxes, which would it be and why?

  • Campbell's Chunky Soup spokesman
  • Sports Illustrated coverboy
  • Heisman Trophy recipient

Is there a Playboy jinx???? I've already investigated the Heisman jinx because of the publicity that this website has produced.

If you could be an ice cream flavor, what would you be and why?

Fat Free, sugar Free, Strawberry Yogurt. To increase my chances of a chick licking me.

What is a normal day of eating for you?

To eat as much food as possible.

What would you have for your last meal if you had the choice (this is pre-lunch, hence the food questions)?

Lobster, a beer, cheese curds, and pez.

How does it feel to be 8 times the size of the young shoppers at abercrombie (lower-case because this store is meant for tots)?

It makes me think I'm big.

If you could play any other sport, what would it be and would you be as dominating?

Tennis.. Ask Novotny, Gagnon. or Joynt. [Webmaster: I've contacted them all, and they all say yes.]

If you could be a world-class athlete or a world-famous rock star, which would you be and why?

A rock star doesn't get as beat up and they definitely get more women.

When is the earliest time you can remember violently kicking the air out of sheer anger and rage?

Have to be in second grade when i got a toilet twister and than proceeded to pee my pants.

How many stadiums and dorms at Winona State do you think they will name after you?

Probably none but maybe i'll get a plaque in the training room.

Posted by mill1991 at 9:58 PM

November 16, 2004

Winona State vs. Grand Valley State Recap

Chris Samp and his Winona State Warrior's season came to an abrupt ending on Saturday afternoon against the reigning DII national champions Grand Valley State. Samp put forth yet another amazing performance in a game that came down to the final play. His seven catches for 134 yards and a touchdown brought his season totals to 78 catches for 1588 yards and 22 touchdowns over 12 games. Samp sustained an early injury to his right forearm, and team doctors said he might never be able to walk again. But Samp ripped a metal pole out of the bleachers, heated it red hot at a local blacksmith's shop, and proceeded to cauterize his wound. He then went right back on the field to continue his dynamic play.

On the second to last play from scrimmage, an opponent "mistakenly" stepped on his arm as he dove to get out of bounds. After the game I got a close-up of the arm, and it was swollen up as large as his bicep, which is about as big as my upper thigh. Popeye could eat a truckload of spinach and his forearms wouldn't get that large.

It was an exciting game, but Winona State fell 16-13 despite leading Grand Valley State in first downs, total yardage, and obscenities yelled by drunken students. Chris Samp's quest to win the Heisman Trophy is not done, though. Granted, now that the season is over, he can't accumulate more statistics. But Heisman voters aren't swayed only by mindless, cold statistics (even though Samp's are punch-in-the-face amazing). The man behind the statistics is just as important. So, since the games are over, the focus turns to highlighting the selflessness and humanitarianism embodied in Christopher Samp.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:03 AM

November 13, 2004

Winona State vs. Grand Valley State Preview

This Saturday Winona State (10-1) begins it's trek through the playoffs as it hosts defending national champion Grand Valley State (8-2). Chris Samp hopes to continue his ridonkulous season deep into November and December in the hopes that he can hit 10000 yards receiving and 100 touchdowns. His task this week will not be easy, however. Grand Valley State boasts Pro Hopeful Derrick Phillips at the cornerback position. This should be an epic battle, like David and Goliath. Except in this case, Samp is Goliath, and he will throw David through the proverbial screen door like he stole Samp's proverbial toothpaste.
Posted by mill1991 at 9:44 AM

November 10, 2004

November/December Madness!!

Update (12 Nov 2004): If you would like to be part of a pool, e-mail me your picks. No money, but if you see the winner you must buy him or her a drink. Send your picks to mill1991 (at) umn (dot) edu.

Once again that time of year is upon us where all anybody can think about is the DII football playoffs. The field of 24 has been finalized, and everybody will be printing out their brackets, forming office pools, and skipping work to watch all the games. It is possible that you will be thinking so much about DII football that your head will turn into a football (Thanks Ian!).

The games start on November 13, with Chris Samp's third-seeded Winona State University (10-1) taking on last year's national champion, sixth-seeded Grand Valley State (8-2) in Winona. Keep your eyes open for a full preview closer to game time (or possibly after). All games are played at the home stadium of the higher seed until the championship game, which is held in Florence, Alabama (where else?) on December 11.

This is the time of year when great players separate themselves from good players, and Samp separates himself from the non-divine. Since this is Samp's third and final senior year, he will be looking to go out with a bang, and I expect nothing but top notch thrills. I don't want to spill any secrets, but he was seen this summer at Peninsula State Park (WI) practicing a play where he is the quarterback and he throws it to himself. His longest completion was like 40 yards. If you are going to be anywhere within range of Winona, MN this weekend (within a 10-hour drive, say), there is no reason not to attend the first game.

Posted by mill1991 at 4:34 PM

Honors accumulating for Samp

All season long Chris Samp has been dominating the gridiron from the wide receiver position, and awards are starting to pile up like compliments from a waitress at Hooters. He was recently named offensive player of the year in the NSIC, first-team all conference in the NSIC, and he received an honorary PhD in Football from Oxford. In addition to these awards for himself, Samp helped his quarterback and tight end earn first team all conference, and a fellow receiver earned honorable mention. Finally, his coach was named conference coach of the year. While these are not awards that go directly to Samp, they reinforce the commonly held belief that he makes all of his teammates better and his coaches look smarter. A suitable comparison might be to Shaquille O'Neal, who makes basketball easier for his teammates, except Samp is a much better rapper than Shaq.

As nice as all these awards are, they are not the primary goal. The goal is the Heisman Trophy. Oh, wait, team success, that's the goal. Yeah. Okay, but the second most important goal is the Heisman Trophy. And even that is very close in importance to the first goal.

Posted by mill1991 at 11:17 AM

November 7, 2004

Winona State vs. Concordia-St. Paul Recap

Saturday afternoon in the Metrodome in Minneapolis, MN, Chris Samp and the Warriors of Winona State University avenged their sole conference loss from last year in defeating Concordia-St. Paul 49-41. Samp once again was the catalyst for Winona State, hauling in seven catches for 201 yards and three touchdowns. With the victory Winona State finished the NSIC season undefeated. The only serious challenge came early in the year when the team bus broke down outside an abandoned amusement park en route to a game. Once there, the team became involved in a mystery involving a group of ghosts that would scare away anyone who visited the park. The ghosts ended up just being disguised business men who were trying to scare people away so that they could buy the property at a reduced rate. Samp solved the mystery, fixed the van using a makeshift alternator he had fashioned from parts from some broken shoulder pads, and the team made it to the stadium just barely in time for the game.
Posted by mill1991 at 3:22 PM

November 5, 2004

Winona State vs. Concordia St. Paul

Finally, it is here. This weekend, Winona State University (9-1, 6-0) puts it's unbeaten conference record on the line against hated foe Concordia-St. Paul (7-3, 4-2). Last year, at CSP, Samp was held to a season low one catch for fourteen yards as Concordia-St. Paul triumphed 23-20 in overtime. Allegations later surfaced that the defensive backs from CSP were using an illegal substance, namely Kryptonite.

With all that said, Samp is expected to have a breakout game, in an attempt to seal his bid for the Heisman Trophy. He will have extra incentive because of the disappointment in last year's loss, which was the Warriors only loss in conference. Last week I mentioned that Samp always exceeds even the boldest of predictions that are made in these weekly previews. For this reason, I am going to attempt some outlandish predictions this week, but bare with me. If my record holds up, Samp will still outperform them. So, here goes: I predict that Samp will have 14 catches for 700 yards and 7 touchdowns. If he hits 747 yards, that will put him above 2000 receiving yards on the year.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:55 AM

Samp garners more accolades

It was a busy week for everyone's favorite football player, Chris Samp. First, he was named co-offensive player of the week in the NSIC after his illustrious performance against Wayne State. Given his history making display, one might expect Samp to be the sole possessor of conference player of the week. However, the NSIC hands out the two awards because otherwise Samp would be the only player ever to get the award. By having a co-offensive player of the week, players with lesser skills and accomplishments can still feel like they are special, even though they are not.

Next, Samp was named to the Harlon Hill Ballot for Division II player of the year. Given his front-running status for the Heisman Trophy, which is given to the best player in all of college football, it would seem he is a shoe-in. Like many other things, however, there may be some politics involved. Also, there may be some bylaws that prevent a player from winning both trophies. That's okay, Samp has plenty of other awards on his mantel.

Finally, Samp has gained an extreme amount of notoriety on the "internet." As stated in an article about this website, there is a disproportionately low number of fan sites for Chris Samp. Now, however, if you google "Chris Samp", this site is the first link to come up. In addition, if you google for "Heisman Trophy," this website comes up on only the fourth page of results. That may not sound great, but consider how many people write about the Heisman Trophy for major websites like ESPN and such. So, you might be wondering if there is anything you can do to help move it up even further. Well, there is, and it's completely painless (unless you have some kind of debilitating disease). Just go google "Heisman Trophy," and click on the link to this webpage. This tells google that this is a relevant result to that query and helps to move it up in the list.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:40 AM

November 3, 2004

Chris Samp the Person

A lot has been written, here and elsewhere, about Chris Samp the football player. What sometimes is lost in all the talk of touchdowns, wins, and YAC (yards after catch) is an understanding of Chris Samp the person. Now, Samp is an extremely humble and private person, loathe to talk himself up or talk about his achievements off the field. Thankfully, he has a world-class hype man to do it for him.

One summertime, Samp and some of his friends were sitting around a campfire at a party. While Samp enjoys hanging out with friends at parties, he rarely consumes any alcohol or other toxins, because his body is fine tuned for pure performance. On this night, the only mixed drink Samp had was raw eggs and red gatorade.

At some point, the topic of the next day's Green Bay Marathon came up. Samp, always supremely confident, suggested that he could run it, despite not training for it. In fact, he had never trained for long distance running of any type. As you can imagine, this was quickly formulated as a friendly dare. Since it was already late, Samp decided to head home immediately to get a rest.

The next morning, Samp awoke early to get to the race on time. It was a crisp fall morning as Samp stepped out of his car in his gray Pumas, tube socks and short running shorts. In his usual confident manner, Samp strutted to the front of the starting line without stretching so much as a single hamstring or quadricep. The only preparation he took was to slather himself in gobs of vaseline. After he was done, the ground was littered with roughly a case of empty petroleum jelly containers. The surface area of Samp's body is quite large due to all the muscles that protrude, so it takes this much oil to cover all the nooks and crannies of God's 8th day creation. At the gun, Samp bursted out to an early lead using the speed he had obtained through years of vigorous weight training.

Early in the race, Samp kept pace with two Kenyans, a Somalian, a Spaniard, and Greg Hines. He proceeded at a relatively good clip up through mile 15. At that point, his complete lack of any kind of long distance training started to take a toll, and he started to cramp up a little. At this very moment, inspirational images started flooding his mind, propelling him to go on. He could hear his loving family yelling proudly "You can do it Bud!" at his football games. He could see his friends on the rec league softball team jumping and cheering as he raced around the bases, ignoring both base coaches, for another in-the-park homerun. He could smell the bananas and bagels that were waiting a short 11 miles away at the finish line.

With a grit and determination that hasn't been seen in this country since Abraham Lincoln fought off the Nazis at the Alamo with a single dagger, Samp trudged on. Soon he was nearing the finish, with the roar of the crowd in his ear and a trail of cracked egg shells following behind him. As he broke through the finish line in first place, Samp collapsed, his greasy body sliding forward for another thirty yards from his momentum and the copious amounts of vaseline he had used. He had given it his all, and he had succeeded to the fullest. It became clear to all watching that Chris Samp was destined to be something special.

Posted by mill1991 at 10:56 AM