Samp rebuffs draft attempts; signs with Packers

Over the weekend, Chris Samp turned down draft overtures by every team, signing with the Green Bay Packers as a college free agent. Samp has long been critical of the high salaries given to football players, given the disparity of income in our world. Besides the Minnesota Vikings, every team attempted to draft Samp in the first round, only to be turned down. The Vikings, notorious for draft screwups, attempted to draft Samp in the 7th round. Coach Mike Tice explained that he thought the 7th round was more important than the 1st round, since 7 is bigger than 1. When he was informed otherwise by an assistant, Tice stabbed him in the eye with a pencil, conveniently held aloft by his ample ears.

The Green Bay News Chronicle reported on Samp's signing. I think it is fair to say that the Green Bay Packers have just entered what history will surely remember as "The Chris Samp Era." While there are very few streets in Green Bay not already named for former Packer players, coaches, administrative assistants, cheerleaders, waterboys, or custodians, I believe there is a Washington Avenue in the downtown area that will one day be named after somebody of real importance: Chris Samp.

How does Samp stack up to other receivers in the draft?

This year there is a good crop of wide receivers in the NFL Draft, led in large part by Chris Samp (Winona State 1992-2005). In preparation for the big day, it will be informative to look at Samp's "competition" for draft position. Hopefully, heretofore uninformed GMs and scouts will realize that Samp has the advantage over just about every wide receiver in the draft.

Chris Samp vs. Mike Williams (USC)
Samp: Spent the last year rewriting NCAA receiving records and dirtying opposing defensive backs' underwear.
Williams: Didn't play last year.
Advantage: Samp

Chris Samp vs. Braylon Edwards (Michigan)
Samp: Dictated the opponent's gameplan in every single game, was the focus of gimmick defenses, twice was attacked by hyenas during games.
Edwards: Surrounded by top-tier D1 talent, one of many of his team's weapons, and his numbers still pale in comparison to Samp's.
Advantage: Samp

Chris Samp vs. Everybody else
There are other receivers in the draft that are, for whatever reason, still ranked ahead of Samp. One rumor I've heard is that some scouts are afraid that Samp is too intellectual and may become bored with the mundanity of the game. This comes as a result of Samp's performance on the Wonderlic test, in which he was amused by the simplicity of the questions. With the extra time, he proceeded to fold the paper test into a computer, which then answered the questions on the test and registered a perfect score. There is a real possibility of Samp eschewing life as a professional athlete to become a chess grandmaster or Federal Reserve Chairman (Once Mr. Greenspan retires).

There is also a possibility that the lack of updates of this website have left scouts scurrying for information about Samp, who maintains a low profile in an attempt to mask his superhero alter ego. I don't know much about any of the other receivers in the draft, but the way I see it, I've already proved Samp is better than the top two receivers. What else do scouts need?

Samp travels forward in time at draft combine

Chris Samp, wide receiver extroardinaire and potential candidate for the papacy, is busy preparing for the upcoming NFL Draft. Samp participated in the pre-draft combine along with several other less talented prospects. During his physical trials, Samp astounded scouts and other on-lookers during his 40-yard dash, as he ran so fast that he broke the universe's speed limit (the speed of light), traveling forward in time approximately 3.8 seconds.

Samp is believed to be the first potential draftee to break the light barrier, although it is rumored that Darrell Green travelled forward in time 2.3 seconds during his draft workout, when timing technology was not as advanced as it is today. In other combine workouts, Samp's exploits were amazing enough that, had he been competing in the World's Strongest Man competition, he probably could have won going away. For instance, he did 30 reps squatting a platform with a bunch of girls in bikinis, and he shattered the combine record for the caber toss.