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Lost Boys: The Tribe

I’m making good on my promise to review the “long awaited? (but not by me) sequel to the 1987 teen vampire cult classic The Lost Boys.  About half-way into the film, I found myself thinking, "This actually isn't so bad.  Not half as bad as I thought, and it's a step-up from Fright Night II."  And I'm serious too.  Yes, I know, no one wants to trust a direct-to-DVD release (thank God for netflix, or I would have never wasted my time, money, or energy getting this movie.)  But give this one a chance.  Yeah, it was pretty stupid, but really when compared to current horror movies being actually released in theaters, it was up to par or even better.  There were numerous and plentiful references scattered throughout the movie to make the fanboys happy, and since I consider myself a part of that group, I have to say I screamed when the shirtless saxophone player was shone still playing his sax 20 years and 50 pounds later.  Most of the opening shots were exact, some dialogue references were present, and they even had some Emo band redo Cry Little Sister, for some reason.  So I guess I appreciated the filmmakers throwbacks to an earlier era when the Coreys were thin and drug-free and Kiefer Sutherland hadn't yet gotten a DUI, but you can't base an entire movie on nostalgia.  I wish it were that easy, because then I would be a great filmmaker, but it's just not.

I was told that this would be the onscreen reunion of the Coreys, and I was very disappointed in this.  Corey Feldman had about 15 minutes of screentime, and no lie, Corey Haim had about 15 words, at the very end.  A word of warning: Watch through the credits or you'll miss him.  And Jamison Newlander, who plays Alan Frog (I am such a dork, I didn't even have to look that up) is credited but doesn't make an appearance, that I saw anyway.  I was pleasantly surprised to find out that "Shane," the lead vampire taking Kiefer "David" Sutherland's place was played by Kiefer's real-life little half-brother, Angus Sutherland.  (I almost just wrote Anus.  And then I laughed.)  Angus was good at first, but then he got kind of stale and old, speaking his lines like he was high on something other than blood.

Corey is again speaking in his patented Frog brother baritone, and he says some of the movies worst one-liners, which include but are not limited to:

"Who ordered the stake?"

"There are a lot of things you can learn from comic books."

And my personal favorite (Oh, God, it's so bad.):

"Pop goes the weasel."

I think that all of those lines would have been 100% better if he had said "bitch" afterwards.

But somewhere between the soft-core porn and huge fake boobs flying all over the place, I realized that this was not really a sequel, but a desperate attempt to rejuvenate not only the Lost Boys name, but vampire movies in general.  No one finds vampires all that interesting anymore.  (And don't give me that Twilight crap, I mean real bloodsuckers who aren't part-time models on the side.)  Vampires have been done to death (forgive me for the pun, seriously, I'm so sorry it had to be this way.)  No one cares about Dracula or Nosferatu or Tom Cruise (I do have a theory that he is a real vampire.  How else does Maverick do such a good job in an Anne Rice movie?  I'm telling you, it happened sometime between Rain Man and A Few Good Men.)

So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that good special effects, teen-based slang, and blood spewing sprinkler-style do not a good movie make.  Sure, I'd watch it again, but I wouldn't watch it as many times as I've seen the first one.  That's embarrassing enough.

One last note: I wrote in an earlier post that I thought it was funny that Corey Feldman said, “Your girlfriend’s a suck-monkey."  Apparently no one else has seen the commercial or the movie, because what he actually says is, "Your sister's a suck-monkey."  I'm kind of glad no one called me out on it.  I would have felt embarrassed and sad.  Either way it was a stupid line, but I would like to personally apologize to Corey Feldman for making fun of him.  I know I've apologized to you before, Feldman, but I'm being sincere this time.

Comments

You should post the box art at the top of each post, it'd look cool. Just copy/paste from Google Images.