Temporary Diversion

I hated this movie.  I'll just be honest right off the bat.

I watched it on the Independent Film Channel.  Strike two.  (A joke I continue with my sister is this small dialogue: "You know why indie movies/songs are not popular music/mainstream movies?  Because no one watches/listens to them.  You know why no one watches/listens to them?  Because they suck."  A small joke, I admit.)

I'll be honest, what caught my eye (or ear?) with this film was that it was in French, and I'm a total Francophone whore sometimes.  Or I can be.  And when I saw it on TV, I immediately thought: French+Horror=Awesome.  How I thought that, I don't know, because I've seen a lot of terrible French horror.  (And American, Canadian, German, Japanese, etc…)

So the story is a rehash of the whole "horny kids drive into the woods to be killed by a madman who happens to be attempting to spawn a demon-child."  That old chestnut.  Seen it a thousand times, say no more.  The odd thing was that I'm fairly certain that the brother and sister/husband and wife were all played by the same heavily-mustached Frenchman.  Sometimes I question casting choices, but I really don't know what to say in this situation.  Of course, everyone dies, as can be plainly guessed by the fact that all the major characters are unlikable, promiscuous teenagers.  And we all know what happens to those types of characters in horror films.  It's like some weird moral judgment on sexual intercourse, but when you think about it, horror is all about sex.  Sex and horror go together, just as horror and comedy go together (although not entirely on purpose).  As I commented in my paper on women in horror, the whole penetration of the knife into a young woman may serve as some sick sexual fantasy.  Or it might just be a representation of the acceptance of violence against woman.  Or it could just be I'm reading too much into things.  And where do horror directors get off (no pun intended?) judging sexualized characters, specifically women, when they are presenting violent images that are just as unhealthy to view as massive amounts of sex?  And the swearing that abounds in horror these days, how is that okay and sex is not?  This is why horror is so fascinating to me, I think it really shows the cultural values that are relevant and important to society right now.  Or I could just be bullshitting, I don't really know.

I'm off track.  I also dislike the characterization of anyone who lives in a rural area as some kind of hick or country bumpkin.  You see it time and time again: Haute Tension, The Cottage, Jeepers Creepers, The Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn, The Happening, War of the Worlds, the list goes on and on.  And not just in horror.  Coming from a very rural state, I find this offensive.  I understand that cinema sort of runs on cliches and stereotypes, but I do find it annoying.  Are there hillbillies?  Sure.  But just because someone lives on a farm or in a small town doesn't he or she is a murderous, raving cannibal.  They can come from cities and be well educated and cultured too, you know.  (Hannibal Lector?)

So in conclusion, do not watch this movie.  Unless you find it necessary to witness a French woman stimulating a dog, a man's eyes getting gouged out in some kind of sick copy of Jeepers Creepers, or an entire dialogue about getting a goat off the road, please stay away.  It's movies like this that create this malevolence toward horror in general.  Go watch a good horror movie.  Or just read a book.

Posted by Cassie at 7:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have to admit I was bored, so I decided to watch this one again.  I found it at Wal-Mart for five dollars and said what the hell, I'll buy it.  And I'm so glad I did.  Not only do I remember how much I used to love Winona Ryder, but I get to watch Gary Oldman take on an iconic role and be creepy yet oddly sensual.  My one regret for this film is the inclusion of Keanu Reeves.  Although he's obviously good for a laugh, sometimes I just want to shoot him in the face for thinking he could do anything besides say "whoa" or play air guitar.

Besides the classic 1931 Dracula and Nosferatu, this is really one of the best adaptations of Dracula's story to date.  Of course it took some liberties with the story, making it more of a love story across the centuries than a hunt after an old guy who happens to drink blood and defile virgins.  It makes it a lot more heartwarming and beautiful, but it kind of takes away the fear.  I read the book twice in seventh grade (I was an odd child), and I always love thinking back to it.  I really want to read it again actually.  I should get around to that someday.  But I really think it's a scary story, although I can see where they took into account the sexuality and emotion of it.  Because let's not kid ourselves, what are vampires really about?  The male vampire penetrates the young virgin (albeit with his teeth in her neck) in order to exchange bodily fluids and perform a transformation from innocent young girl to sensual vixen.  Or maybe I'm just reading too much into things.  But Coppola does a wonderful job portraying this raw passion between Mina and Dracula, and I love the way Oldman interacts with Ryder.  The characters have known each other centuries before, and now across time and bodies, they meet again.  It's really quite beautiful, if not creepy and kind of disturbing.  Dracula has been alive for centuries, while Mina's body is just a very young reincarnation of his old love Elisabeta.  So how old is Winona Ryder compared to the Dracula character? 25? 30?  That's kind of gross.

I always love throwbacks to older horror, especially in vampire movies.  There are a lot of references to Bela Lugosi and Nosferatu, among others.  The play of the shadows on the wall is especially entertaining and well-done.  The shots of Ryder's and Oldman's faces, the iconic rising of the vampire from his coffin, straight out of Nosferatu, the mirror/shaving scene with Keanu's terrible double-takes, the tears-to-diamonds scene get me every time.  The only scene I could have done without would have to be Jonathan in the pit with the women.  Why on earth they had the women licking Keanu's bleeding nipple, I could not say.  Odd choice.  I mostly try to block it from my memory, but it is really quite disturbing.  Probably the scariest part of the movie.  It could have been much better, but Keanu was there, so all hopes of greatness are lost.

Anthony Hopkins, as always, is wonderful and amazing and kick-ass.  He makes any movie worth watching.  And playing the famous Van Helsing, he can't help but appeal to the audience and breathe life into the character.  He's just so wise and calm and dignified.  But he still terrifies me.  I bet in real life he's just the nicest guy, but I can't stop thinking he might try to rip out my liver and eat it.  I wonder if he even likes fava beans.

But overall, I would say this is one of the better adaptations and that's saying something.  You can't go far in the horror section at the video store without running into Dracula.  But don't pass this one up, it's worth watching at least once.

Posted by Cassie at 8:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I honestly think my brain died for a few minutes in class today.  Or at least I wanted it to.  I also thought about these options: jumping out the second story window, banging my head on the desk, crying, running away, standing up and yelling cuss-words, screaming, and falling asleep.  But of course, I couldn't do any of these things, so I just sat there and did some long division problems.  For some reason unknown to me, long division makes time pass very quickly.  It's like some weird time-space portal that causes the clock to speed up.  Try it sometime, I guarantee it will work.

But how can teachers possibly believe that anything they say is in the least bit interesting?  Do they talk this way at home, with their husbands or wives or children, etc?  I hope not.  I would punch my parents in the head if they talked like that.

And now all I can do is just sit here and be pissed off.  I'm pretty sure my classes can be boiled down to about ten minutes each, and I would get the same amount of information in a better format.  I have no patience left in my entire body for anything as useless as that class.  That's a pretty bold statement, but I think I can back it up.  Whether I will or not depends on my mood, but I guess I'll think about it.  No, I can't write anymore.  I'm sick of thinking.

Posted by Cassie at 2:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I was thinking about doing a short list today, but then that idea turned into a large review of all four Saw movies.  Funny how things work out that way.  First off, I know there are a lot of people who despise Saw (and Hostel, and all those other types of torture horror), and I tend to agree that these movies are less about actual fear than disgust or sadness masked as fear.  Why people continue to take in this much gratuitous and useless violence is beyond me.  Although, yes, I've seen all of these films.  And who am I to denounce violence when I love horror movies and I tend to cheer on the bad guys?  I don't know, that's just the way the world works.  Lots of horror (especially modern horror) keeps up this weird tradition of having violence for the sake of violence.  "Let's see how far we can go before people get sick and vomit."  So without further philosophical discussions of the human obsession with the grotesque and the perverse, here is my badass review of the Saw series thus far:

Saw I: Being the first in the series is always a plus for any horror film or any film in general really, because people don't know what to expect and they have no preconceived ideas about how the film should play out.  This worked to Saw I's advantage, in my opinion, because there are really only so many movies you can watch about people getting killed in ridiculous ways.  And yet horror movies still exist, so maybe it is an infinite number.  Cary Elwes plays Dr. Lawrence Gordon (I think that's the character's name, and I don't care enough to research anything that is not already in my brain.)  I love Cary Elwes, but just once I wanted him to say, "As you wish," to someone in this film.  It would have worked, I think.  Plus Michael "Ben Linus/Henry Gale" from Lost is in this and I am in love with that bug-eyed little jerk.  He always plays such mean characters.  But he's just so good at it, and he creeps me out.  I don't think he knows how to smile or laugh, he's just constantly in a serious mood.  So basically, the plot played out very well and the twist was very unexpected, for me at least.  I'm usually pretty good at guessing the endings, but this one kept me guessing.  The grossest part for me was probably not the leg-sawing, but the crushing of Emerson's head with the damn toilet cover.  That was so gross.  And just the general dinginess of the bathroom.  That was just too much for me, and I'm sure the filmmakers realized that that would add to the terror.  So I would give this one an A overall.  Maybe I'm too generous, but this is my review, so I make the rules.

Saw II: I liked Donnie Wahlberg, oddly enough.  The whole Amanda-helps-Jigsaw-because-he-changed-her-life-and-she-is-possibly-in-love-with-him-now thing kind of pissed me off because I really don't think that would have happened.  It's kind of ridiculous.  I mean you can argue Stockholm syndrome all day if you want, it was still stupid.  But I guess for a horror sequel, it was okay.  The house thing, it's been done before, but I guess I didn't really mind it.  The kid in the safe at the end, that freaked me out.  I hope he didn't have claustrophobia.  But overall, in sequel terms at least, and low budget no doubt, they accomplished quite a feat.  They kept people interested enough to warrant two further sequels.  Who would have guessed that a series of films about some guy torturing people to death would make so much money?  I guessed it.  And I was right.

Saw III: This movie made me sad beyond sad.  It depressed me for days afterward.  I refuse to ever watch this film again.  It wasn't disturbing, but some things just affect me in this way, they make me sad.  Jigsaw's puzzles just get insultingly stupid.  The producers just want to have a twist at the end, they don't care how we get there.  They realized that the first two had twists, so they can't stop it now.  And they won't stop for the fourth installment either, but I'll get to that in a minute.  My main problem with this film is that no one has any choice in anything except that main guy, I think his name was Jeff.  So Jeff basically gets the choice of life or death for everyone.  Well how does that follow along with Jigsaw's plan of choices?  It doesn't.  You can argue that Amanda had too much control and made things like that, but it would be grabbing for straws.  And that poor kid at the end, he had his body all twisted and whatnot, that was disgusting.  Sometimes I think about his legs snapping, it sounded like someone cracking his or her knuckles.  Is it weird that I think about that and make that connection?  I only think about it really when I think about the Saw series, which isn't a whole lot, but still…

Saw IV:  Moving on.  Although this film technically holds a special place in my heart because I went to it on my second date with my boyfriend.  What a great date movie, he's such a romantic.  Actually, it was cute, he knows I love horror, so he agrees to watch it.  I don't know if he actually likes it or just likes me enough to watch it, but either way, he's pretty swell.  He's the only one who reads this damn thing anyway, so I don't know why I don't just write directly to him instead.  Well anyway, I guess the experience of going to the movie was a good time, but the movie was not so great.  The cop was the heir to Jigsaw's shitty morality.  There, I ruined the ending, now you don't have to go see it.  I feel like I've done you a huge favor, so you owe me.  And Donnie Wahlberg was still inexplicably alive, but then they killed him by having two blocks of ice swing down from the ceiling and squish his head like a watermelon.  Yeah.  Let that sink in for a second.  I shit you not.  Why bring Donnie back if you're just going to immediately kill him?  I hope that's not what the New Kids on the Block are planning.  Watch out, Donnie.

Posted by Cassie at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

First off, I love Vincent Price.  No doubt about it, the man was a genius.  Also, Bill Hader's impression of him on SNL is spot on.  I once got an audiobook of a collection of Edgar Allan Poe tales and poems just because it was read by Vincent Price.  And let me tell you, it made me piss myself with fear and awe.  Not really, that would be weird because I listened to audiobooks at work in the insurance company.  "Hey, here's your insurance policy, oh sorry I don't know what that stain is."  I don't think I want to publish this post anymore.  Oh well, it's already been typed, can't take it back now.  We've gone too far.

But he really is great.  Case in point: He's in Edward Scissorhands as the dad/creator of Edward.  Always I plus when you are the maker of Johnny Depp.  Second point of proof: He does the voiceover and creepy laugh in Thriller.  He made Thriller.  Thriller.

It's become really hard to scare me since I've seen too much horror to really be affected by it anymore.  I think The Shining broke that part of my brain.  So I was of course skeptical when my mom picked this one up in a one dollar bargain bin (the best kind of movie.)  But I really enjoyed it.  Not that it scared me, except for one part, but it was decently made, Vincent Price was a creepster, and I watched it with my sister so everything that was slightly silly was laughed at immediately.

So now I get to the part that actually scared me.  There's a scene where a woman (it's been a long time since I watched this) is leaning over to look at something.  She's by herself, the last thing you want to do in a horror movie.  In the basement.  What an idiot.  And then as she's leaning down, out of nowhere, this creepy old witch-lady is standing behind her and you don't even notice it for a little bit until suddenly she's there and you're screaming so loud that your mom stops doing the dishes and runs downstairs into the basement to see if you and your sister are still alive.  It was great.  That's the best part of horror and fear and all that.  It gives you this jolt of adrenaline.  I've never really been in a situation in real life where I was scared out of my mind, so I'm sure that's not so fun.  But in movies, I love it.  Maybe it's just the closest thing to danger where there's no possible way that you'll be injured or killed.  Well unless there's a murderer in the theater or your closet or under your bed or something.

I'll be right back.

Okay, it's all clear.  But seriously, I don't get scared anymore in real life.  Not of horror movies anyway.  They have no effect on me whatsoever.  It makes me a little sad.  Besides the "loud noise jump," I don't really react to them or have any problem with them.  People think I'm crazy for watching horror movies all the time, because most people don't like them or are scared shitless from them, but I'm not.  Back in the day, sure, but not now.  I don't know why, it makes me sad.

Posted by Cassie at 6:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This is the King of All Zombie movies.  Actually, probably not, that would most likely be Night of the Living Dead, but still, this is like the Queen of All Zombie movies, or at least like a Prince or Princess, possibly a Duke/Duchess.  Plus it's a great commentary on consumerism and zombies and how zombies consume things.  The film takes place in a mall.  How better to tell people not to purchase things than to advertise things in a mall and then have zombies wreck the place up a little bit?  Zombies are the best villains ever though.  They shuffle along, as though they know they might have something to do but just can't think of it so they just hobble around in circles good-natured-ly until people with brains arrive on the scene.  They fall down a lot, they don't care about what's going on around them, and maybe they're just looking for love, hope, friendship.  Why do we have to judge zombies, just because they don't have good manners?

So it's been years since I've actually watched this movie.  Is that sad?  A little bit.  I feel bad, loving horror and yet I saw this movie about seven years ago.  I remember quite a bit of it, but still.  It's been awhile.  But funny story, I watched this movie with my dad and sister during a thunder storm.  Just when a very scary part came on screen, the TV and all the lights shut off.  Ali and I screamed because my dad kept making scary noises and being a jerk in general.  It was a good time.  We then lit candles and talked.  And we finished the movie the next day.  I enjoyed it, overall.

I never understood why zombies got such a bad rep, though.  I mean, they're dead and walking around, sure, but they are easily outrun, or out-walked really, not very bright, apparently can't open doors, and are just not too smart.  They eat brains; how can they get to them, they aren't really that strong and I feel like skulls should be strong enough to fend off one's brain from a zombie-related attack.  I think in real life, a zombie would not be able to do too much besides like nibble on your arm or be too loud during a movie.  And they're dead, that's scary I suppose because they might be decayed or have rotting flesh and whatnot, but besides possibly being a little bit visually frightening, I don't think they would do much damage.  What a weird thing to fear.  Even if the dead got out of their graves and walked around attempting to twist the tops off of people's heads in order to taste their delicious, delicious brains, how would they dig themselves out of the ground, they aren't that strong.  That's a proven fact, case in point: malls usually have huge glass doors and windows, and all they do in the film is put trucks in front of them.  Either they are too stupid to get around the trucks, or they are not strong enough to break through glass.  Yeah, that's right.  These skull-smashing zombies can't get through a thin sheet of glass.

Case solved.

Posted by Cassie at 6:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So the first week is over, and I think my classes will be fun.  That doesn't mean I want to go, but at least I might get some enjoyment out of them.  Sometimes.  Maybe.

So here is a short list and grading of each of my classes.  Because I can.

1. French Phonetics: While not the most fun I've ever had in a French class, it is highly amusing to say "ah ah ah ooo ooo ooo ewww ewww ewww" for three straight minutes, while watching the teacher judge your lip formation.  A little creepy, yes, but the trick is not to laugh when you know the girl behind you is saying everything wrong and she thinks she's so good at French.  She's not.  On the plus side, there's barely any homework.  On the minus side, we have to memorize the International Phonetic Alphabet, which sounds like something some guy designed so he could say he made up his own language.  He didn't, what a cop out.  Overall Grade: B-

2. Child Psychology: The teacher seems nice so far, but I don't feel like I've really learned anything yet.  Plus we have to write a reaction paper already this week.  What is that all about?  I expect no homework for the first month.  Maybe it's not a realistic expectation, but I need time to get used to the year, get into the flow of things.  Be lazy.  A little kid came to class the other day, that was pretty cute.  But otherwise it's just a very standard psychology class, complete with the scientific method (to make it seem more legitimate), research methods (never heard of that before…), and discussions of Darwin and Freud (psychologists still have a boner about those two for some reason.)  Overall Grade: C+

3. Film Study: So far it seems interesting enough, and I've always wanted to take a film study class.  And the teacher looks just like that guy who played Rick in Degrassi.  The actor's name is Ephraim Ellis, I think.  Yes, I imdb'ed him because I was sure that he was teaching my film study class.  That would have made me so happy.  But oh well, I still call him Rick when I talk about that class.  Rick says that if we miss one class, we fail.  We miss one assignment, we fail.  We miss his birthday, we fail.  I made that last one up, but I don't want to fail, so I won't miss it, just in case.  Overall Grade: B+, Overall Grade if Rick was really my teacher: A+

4. Research Practicum: Pretty standard, 12 hours per week is a little much for my taste, but it should be fun anyway, since we get to work in a psychology field that interests us.  Yet, why do I have to do this if I'm not going into research psychology?  Yeah, yeah, top research university, they brainwash us into researching, oh I mean they highly encourage research.  They're getting to me already.  Overall Grade: C

5. Cognitive Psychology: The teacher seems awesome, a ball-buster in fact.  And since I'm female, I'll be okay.  All the quizzes and tests are online, unlimited time on quizzes, ten questions each, interesting material, I have a friend/fellow CA in the class, and it only meets twice a week.  Exactly what I want in a class.  We already learned about some weird brain-enhancing techniques, and I love that kind of almost-sci-fi-but-it's-real stuff.  Overall Grade: A+

I think it's going to be an awesome semester, I'm having a great time so far, I have good classes, an amazing job, and I'll be an aunt by the end of the day.  Life is good.

Posted by Cassie at 5:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I just finished reading Alice in Wonderland, and I loved it.  I've decided that when she's old enough, I will read it to my newborn baby niece.  I think she'll appreciate it.  She looks just like me, so hopefully she'll be smart like me.  And hopefully she'll enjoy trippy, drug-induced sequences that don't make any sense but just make you a little confused and vaguely happy.

I don't really know the whole story behind the writing of Alice in Wonderland, I remember reading something about Lewis Carroll telling the story to three little girls in a boat.  A little creepy, but kind of cute if it was innocent.  And one of the girls' names was Alice Liddell.  So he named the character after her and wrote a nice little poem to her that spelled out her full name.  All in all, it was pretty sweet, I suppose.

And Alice In Wonderland is just such a memorable story, even if the only thing you know of it is the Disney movie.  The book is a lot creepier and more bizarre.  Tweedledee and Tweedledum seem like murderous weirdos.  The Queen is an annoying little bitch, and so is the king.  The Cheshire Cat freaks me out.  Poor Alice.  And everyone in Wonderland just seems to tell Alice to shut up and they all go on with their flawed logic and ridiculous puns.  But she always makes it through and comes out on top.  She's such a plucky heroine.

Some of my favorite quotes:

1. Alice: "Curioser and curioser."

2. The Duchess: "If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does."

3. The King: "Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

4. Alice: "If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?"

5. Cheshire Cat: "If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there."

So I guess that's my review of Alice In Wonderland.  I loved it.  It was wonderful.  So I guess I'll stop, since I've come to the end.

Posted by Cassie at 5:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It’s raining.  Not a great day, but not a terrible one.  Sounds like a haiku.

“The leaf shakes in wind. 

Blowing in the soothing breeze. 

Classes are boring.â€? 

I feel no creativity at the moment, so I didn’t want to write a review of anything.  I’m listening to the Beatles and reading Alice in Wonderland.  I love it, very trippy and weird.  Good times.

I had a child psychology class this morning, I have a cognitive psychology class tonight.  Not too shabby.  The teacher seemed nice.  Otherwise pretty standard fare for a first day back in the fall.  It’s too hot though. 

“Rainy, hot, muggy. 

The stale classroom makes me sick. 

I wish I weren’t here.�

I think I’ll just haiku it up today, describe my life in a 5-7-5.  That’s a pretty accurate assessment of my emotional state at the moment.  If I really try, I can easily write sentences that sound like they belong in textbooks.  “Throughout the course of each hectic yet monotonous day, my life as an average college-aged student has become a more typical representation of the adolescent malaise seen most clearly in the late teens and early twenties.  A typical day in the life of such a student consists most commonly of an acute discontentment, a disconsolate maladjustment to the fact that the child-mind must be abandoned in order to become a contributing member of society, and that adult life is not represented clearly in the play-acting so popular among young children.â€?  I just made that up.  I think I will write a bullshit textbook of sentences like that, with no real research or facts behind it and just market it as some new child-rearing strategy.  It would have to be leather-bound, and people would smoke pipes while reading it, and guffaw at their children’s emotions.

“My leather-bound books

Prove to the world my smartness.

Education? Ha.�

Posted by Cassie at 12:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I’ve been trying to catch up on older episodes of The Office.  I’m on season two right now, and I really like it.  I loved the British version, and I avoided the Americanization for a long time, but I decided to give it a try and I’m really enjoying it.

Steve Carell is just amazing.  I loved him in The 40 Year Old Virgin, he’s so earnest and intense.  I wonder if he ever worked in a place like that or if he had a boss like that.  He actually reminds me of my mom’s boss.  I know that’s terrible to say, but it’s true.  At some points in the show, I love Michael Scott.  Like in “Take Your Daughter to Work Day," when he's so nice to the kids.  He can be sweet when he's not being such a jackass.  But in other episodes, I actually hate him and can't believe anyone could ever put up with him.  Ever.  Like in "Michael's Birthday."  Or "The Injury."  Or "Dwight's Speech."  Or really some point of every episode.  He always has to make things about himself.  "Oh, Kevin might have skin cancer?  Well it's my birthday."  "I burned my foot.  Dwight has a concussion.  I think my injury is way worse than his and I should be treated as such."  "Dwight just spoke to a thousand people and killed.  But I enthralled Dwight with a bar story.  Therefore I am better."  I just want to slap him sometimes.  Most of the time.

But I do enjoy the whole "that's what she said" thing.

Everyone always talks about Dwight being the funniest part of the show, and the Pam and Jim love story.  But I think what makes the show so great is the supporting cast.  Kevin, Kelly, Ryan, Oscar, Meredith.  All hilarious.  But everyone forgets them.  So I just wanted to say they are great.  Kudos, supporting cast.

I realize this is not a horror show.  Although arguably working in an office like that could be pretty horrible.

Posted by Cassie at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)