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Saw V

Why, oh why did I see this movie?  Is it ironic that a film about torture could be such torture to view?  Blatantly sexist, ridiculously over-the-top, violence for violence's sake, a continuation of the travesty that this series has become.  Why did I have to go to this movie?  I'll tell you why: my cousins wanted to go to a movie.  I had to choose between the two atrocious horror movies: Saw V or High School Musical 3.  I figured I would go to the one that wouldn't haunt me at night.  The one that wouldn't cause me to wake up screaming in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.  Just the thought of Zac Efron gives me the shivers.  Watching the Wildcats singing onscreen would be like tumbling into the abyss, the hell-fires surrounding me as my vertigo causes my blood to freeze in my veins, the empty terror overcoming me.  So Saw V just wasn't scary, comparatively.

I always have to laugh when people tell me certain shitty horror movies are scary.  (Read: The Grudge).  But if anyone tells me this film was scary, I will punch them in the jaw.  I can't believe this movie was even made.  How could anyone still have dignity after attaching his or her name to this film?  I would wear a paper bag over my head.  Oh, and happy day, Saw VI is in production.  Not Saw 6 of course, Saw VI, because that makes it legitimate, like a Shakespearian production.  Roman numerals are just another way to make this film seem worthwhile.  Don't be fooled.  It's just a rehash of the same damn story that was okay and even slightly shocking/scary in the first film.  I won't go into the other films, I will take this one on its own (lack of) merit.  Plus, I've already reviewed the rest and I don't feel like spitting out my own opinions yet again about the same things over and over.

So first off, it was predictable.  People get kidnapped, "twist" at the end that I saw a mile away, maybe eight miles away.  Bad guy gets away to make the next movie.  Dr. Lawrence Gordon is mentioned for absolutely no fathomable reason.  People are stupid and don't listen to the cassette tape (will Jigsaw ever get more technologically advanced?  I'd like to see him put his little messages on people's iPods.)  Everybody dies.  There, now you don't have to see it.  I normally feel extremely bad about ruining the ending of a movie, but you know what?  Fuck it.  If you want to see it that badly, you'll waste your money either way.

Plus these little shit kids sat behind us the whole time kicking our chairs and making annoying noises.  I told on them.  I'm a grown-up now.  I would have kicked their asses, but they were about twelve, and I don't feel like going to jail.  So I did the next best thing.  They were pissed, but they shut up.  What irresponsible parents allowed those little shits to go to that movie by themselves?  They should be put into a Jigsaw trap.  Not really, they would probably just be bored to death.

But it just makes me weep for humanity that these films keep being made.  Although I guess it does give me a lot to write about… But in the end, is it really worth it?


Absolutely not.