Temporary Diversion

I went to Minot  for Spring Break. I don't care what anyone says, I still love North Dakota. Kamran and I took the train on Thursday night (I skipped Social Psychology on Friday, good for me). It was worse than usual- some little 4 or 5 year old kid watched THE LAND BEFORE TIME until TWO in the morning with NO HEADPHONES. So we had to listen to Little Foot and The Bird Guy and Barney and all those other stupid annoying dinosaur assholes sing about God knows what- Jurassic Park or something. The conductor walked by and told the (father?) of the child to turn the movie off, people are trying to sleep. The guy said, and this is an actual quote, "It's almost over, I think. I'm not sure." He was watching the movie too. His extremely overweight wife/mother/Freudian fixation snored next to little Damien, the demon child watching the worst movie ever made. And so Kamran and I sat awake staring into the Amtrak seats, wondering when this purgatory of awful children's songs would end.

We watched Let the Right One In, a wonderful little Swedish vampire film. It was the first film I've seen in a long while where someone was paler than me. Props to my Swedish relatives. I highly recommend it, it's a little slow but I liked it that way. It was a build-up. The little girl-vampire was adorable, even with blood all over her face, and the boy was a little dork, in an odd Scandinavian way. There's some pretty awesome kills.

Moving on, not a lot happened over break (surprise surprise). I did no homework. I ate too much. Kamran and I made chex mix and puppy chow. My niece Emma, who is six months old, met Kamran for the first time and fell in love with him. She watched him wherever he went and even reached out for him to pick her up, which she's never done for anyone before. She wanted to be with him more than her own damn aunt. What a b-word. I don't really mean that, she's just a baby. But if she's anything like her mother, she will not be very nice in general.

Much of my extended family came to watch my cousin Reid (who I refer to as Regis) play class B basketball. It was pretty fun, I guess. A good way to waste a week, that's what I would call it. I have nothing to say.

Posted by Cassie at 7:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My long-awaited review of this much-anticipated mushy romance with sparkly vampires and Cedric Diggory.

It's been a few months now since I saw this thing, and I've hesitated several times as to whether I should actually write/publish this. That being said, I should be doing homework and since I don't want to, I'm forcing myself to finish this review of this awful film. (I'm so harsh. Right off the bat. You might think I'm too judgmental. If you liked the books/movies, leave now or forever hold your peace.)

I never thought it would be possible to make Bella an even more boring character than she already was in the books, but somehow the filmmakers outdid themselves and made her worse than Stephenie Meyer could have ever dreamed. Kristin Stewart (I think that's her name, don't know, don't care) was in some sort of zombie trance the entire movie. Also, I thought Bella was supposed to be "plain" (and yet at least 17 guys ask her out during the course of the story…) but KS is not at all plain. She is boring however, and slightly annoying.

And then we have Edward: perfect, sexy, and a vampire. Oh what a wonderful erotic novel this would make, with a better writer and some sex scenes. I'm just saying. I still don't understand how these teen girls are all in love and obsessed with Edward. He is borderline abusive, conceited, and in vampire terms, not that cool. In the film, all of these things are even more apparent than in that awful book. (I will never forgive my sister for making me read it). I think he even physically grabs Bella a few times, especially in that weird Hungry-Like-the-Wolf-by-Duran-Duran scene in the forest. That seemed very out of place to me. I expected Merry and Pippin to walk out of the trees looking for Longbottom weed (nerd alert).

I don't even think I can go on. The vampire family looked bored the whole time (the fans will say, "That's how they're described in the book, that's how they're supposed to be!"), the humor was sporadic and out of touch ("Sex. Money. Sex. Money. Cat." The only mention of the word sex in a film about vampires. I've said it before and I'll say it again, vampires are a metaphor for sex. Vampire teeth—>Sleeping virgins—>penetration—>exchange of bodily fluids—>a disease following. It all makes so much sense. You can't have vampires without sex. Impossible. Look at Anne Rice, if you want some good vampire fiction. Nerd alert again.)

And finally, I get to the PSA about teaching young girls about the wrong kinds of values. I know this review has been sporadic at best and kind of a mixture of book and movie, but no one reads this so I really don't care. But all I want to say is that this series is so anti-feminist as to make me physically sick. Bella has no voice, she only lives to "belong" to Edward, who is a terrible/abusive boyfriend, and kind of a controlling narcissistic prick. Bella doesn't make any of her own decisions, she's like a small child who is lost and can't take care of herself. Not a good image for girls to strive for. I hope someone writes something better to replace this awful fad.

Posted by Cassie at 9:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I hate them. They hate me. I have the worst luck with any sort of technology in my life. I ruin everything I touch. My computer. My digital camera. My ipod. Robots. If I were an X-Person (I am not a Man) I would be that little kid from the second movie who changes the TV channels by blinking. Except when I blinked, the TV would explode. The wreckage from the television would destroy my computer, which would have my ipod attached, which would promptly stop working.

I once got an electric shock that burned my finger when I was pulling the cord from my alarm clock out of the wall.

But the latest strife in my life of eternal computer-related misery and woe is the self-destruction of my computer. It just stopped working. It turns on for a second and then does nothing. A little cursor blinks in the corner. Kamran got it to turn back on the first try. The guy at the help desk got it on in one try, but told me it was suffering from MOTHERBOARD FAILURE. What does that mean? I know nothing about computers, I care nothing about computers. But I'm pretty sure that's really bad.

I am praying for it to just miraculously start working again, but I can't find a passage in the Bible that mentions an IT department in heaven.

In a normal pissed-off situation like this, I would either play a shit ton of spider solitaire, or I would listen to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. Unfortunately, I can't do either of these. And so my life is a jumbled mess, I can't check my email every 10 minutes, facebook is out of the question, how am I supposed to check if anyone has tagged me in a new photo? What is the point of life?

And now I realize that this was all my fault. I recently wrote that I shouldn't bring my computer to class, that is was a distraction, that I needed to be able to concentrate and it was ruining my class time. I wrote the post on my computer. My computer must have been watching. It committed suicide because it was unappreciated. Now I realize the error of my ways. I must win back the heart of my poor precious computer.

Posted by Cassie at 8:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm not trying to be mean to Harry Potter or J.K. Rowling or the legions of fans involved in the entire ordeal. I consider myself one of those fans. I was way into Harry Potter at the time. I went to all the book releases. I had a shirt that said "Hogwarts Quidditch." I've read each book more than 3 times. In fact, much more than three times, but I don't want to say how many because it's embarrassing.

But since most of what I write is about things I dislike, I thought I would mix it up and write about things I…dislike. But things that I dislike about something that I generally love. So it's different.

The thing that bothers me the most about Harry Potter is that, while it is creative and revitalized the love of reading for many children and integrated old mythologies and legends into a coherent story format and many twists and turns that brought joy and peace to the world, sometimes it's just so damn predictable. Before you hate me forever and punch a hole through your computer screen in frustration and angst, hear me out.

Wasn't it obvious that Harry was going to defeat Voldemort? Okay, bad example- that had to happen or the world would implode and the fans would have had J.K.'s head on a stick. But here's the main problem with that ending: what does Harry have to live for now? Nothing. His life's work is over at the age of 17. He's like a child actor. I think that in the "Nineteen years later…" part, Rowling should have had him be a strung-out has-been hanging out with Corey Feldman, maybe having his own reality show and running out of the money he earned from being a spokes person for butterbeer. That's the Harry Potter I want to read about.

Also, did he really have to name his kids James, Lily, and "Albus Severus?" Could he honestly not think of any better names? It's so cliche to name your kids after your parents. (Although, thank God he didn't name them Jamarthur or Mollily, which I'm sure Stephenie Meyer would have named her characters' children. I haven't read the fourth one, but I've heard about good ol' Renesme Carlie, or whatever the hell that abortion of a name is.) I've read fanfiction (as much as I hate to admit it) and one of the main things about the "seventh book" writers is that they ALWAYS name Harry's kids after dead characters. Yes, Harry, we get it. Your parents died. But isn't it kind of morbid to name your children after dead people who you really never even knew? I'm just saying.

Also, was Harry required to become a Christ-figure? He died, was resurrected, gave his life for mankind, was the savior. This could be applied to both Jesus and Harry Potter, as blasphemous as it may sound. And in the final epic battle (fuck you if you haven't read it yet, where have you been? I will give you no spoiler alert, because you do not deserve one) Harry just seemed so confident for some reason, even though the entire time he was kind of a whiny little baby. And then he suddenly turns all Clint Eastwood on us and toys around with Voldemort. The whole appeal about Harry was that he was an everyman, he didn't have anything all that special about him. He had insecurities, he was just as scared and confused as the rest of us are during our teen years. But I guess death and resurrection makes you much more confident in yourself. It's like a movie montage of sports training, only more painful and disturbing. Well maybe not more disturbing.

I might have to continue my complaints at another time, because this just turned out to be about only the seventh book. But don't fear, dear reader, I have complaints about each book in turn. Maybe I'll just work my way backwards, toward the inconsistencies of book one. Please don't kill me, mob of HP FANATICS. I will worship your goddess, J.K., if you spare my life. All hail, etc.

Posted by Cassie at 7:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)