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Teeth

I started watching this film with little to no expectations, thinking it was going to be another throw-away ridiculous horror premise. I was pleasantly surprised by my enjoyment of it. Maybe something is wrong with me, but I found the subject matter to be hilarious. That being said, I do not recommend this film for men who dislike the idea of losing their junk.

The film is about a young girl who discovers she is able to exact the revenge of women on all mankind with her power to destroy the outer essence of a man. She fights for the rights of women, showing men that they deserve equal pay and respect, and want to be taken seriously. Through her journey of discovery, she stays true to herself, while asserting her rights to the opposite sex and discovering the beauty inside all women. I'm just kidding, she has vagina teeth that bite off penises and it is gross.

Basically, the main girl is all about abstinence, which was terribly done in the film. They treated it like she was a freak for wanting to wait. Also, she went from not even wanting to kiss anyone to full-on having several sex partners. Maybe this is just a personal gripe with the movie, but I thought that wasn't very consistent for the character. But I guess she has to have sex to bite off wieners anyway. And that is where the true hilariousness of the film begins.

She has a crush on this other guy, who "hasn't jacked it since Easter." (A friend wondered why he would have masturbated on the most important Christian holiday, but whatever). They begin to hang out and he ends up attempting to rape her. This is where I started yelling, "DO IT, HE IS A RAPIST, HE DESERVES IT." And I won't ruin anything here, but the kid walks away missing a few inches. Also, if you are squeamish about genital-related gore, they show everything, included the severed members. But that shit is funny to me, so I enjoyed the movie.

The reason she has a toothy vagina is never fully explained, although there are several pointed shots of a nuclear power plant or some such thing behind her house. Imagine if she were in X-Men. The Toothed Avenger. I would definitely watch that, with a big bowl of popcorn. She would be more of a moral crime-fighter though, and that's pretty heavy ethical stuff, so I don't think Professor Xavier would let her in. I mean, how would she even prove her mutation? Castrate Wolverine? He could probably grow it back. Okay, that's enough.

I can see how some people would be turned off by the subject matter, but I'm going to keep it real here and tell you that I that it was super funny. I understand the male aversion to the old vagina dentata myth, but come on. Rapists getting what they deserve? Priceless.

I guess the only real problem I had with the film was the weird incest side-plot with her step-brother. Yes, they are steps, but they were raised as siblings. Also, the brother names his dog "Mother." So you can see that things are pretty messed up in this movie about teeth-vaginas. Also, acting was laughable a lot of the time. AND what gynecologist sticks four fingers in there to check things out?! She should have called the Better Business Bureau. These are minor flaws in an otherwise satisfying B-movie.

I dare you to watch it.

Special bonus: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/article531013.ece

Be safe!

Comments

JHQMnN

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